Knock you down

Sometimes you've just gotta take the hand that you got dealt and do the best you can. And sometimes, that hand is great. But for the most part, you get sucky hands dealt to you. And that's just life. You have to buck up, put on your best poker face, and pretend everything's okay. 

Everything's not always gonna be okay. But it also won't always be bad. You'll hit a super low, rough patch. But eventually, you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Hopefully. 

But who's fault is it, really?

Have you ever considered that maybe you lead yourself on the most? It's not always the other person behind all of your heartbreak. Some of it, maybe. But certainly not all of it. You start imagining yourself with that person, imagining a future, things you can do together, and you've lead yourself on. You've put yourself in a position where you now expect something much more than the other party was ready to give you, because you lead yourself on.

I'm guilty of this. On so many accounts. It's not something you can just prevent or stop. It's not a conscious decision. But one day, you'll realize that you've put yourself in this position and there's no going back. And you continue leading yourself on, because it's harder to stop. And so you just keep digging yourself deeper and deeper into this hole of despair.

And it's your fault.

I don't think a lot of people realize the lack of a choice there is behind this. I don't think any miserable person thinks, "Ya know, I'd really like to lead myself on and imagine my life with this person that is no longer in my life. Yeah. Sounds good." and it's not even a conscious decision to think about said person. It just happens, the end, no exceptions.

We lead ourselves on more than others lead us on. We imagine feelings and situations that aren't there. You can say, "I think he broke up with his girlfriend, I think he's available" as much as you want, and you'll start to believe, start to hope. And then you'll have something confirm that you're wrong, or something you've been ignoring will become more self evident, and you'll be hit with this wall of despair. And it's not their fault.

It's yours.

We get ourselves in these situations. No one else did. And now that you're in this situation, you just have to deal with it. You have to deal with the fruitless hoping, and then the crash afterwards. And that's just life.

Because we lead ourselves on.

And I say this simply because we need to stop blaming others for our pain. We can't be mad at someone else because we're stuck on them. That person is doing NOTHING to keep you feeling those things. Their existence in the past is all that it takes, and now it's too late.

Nothing is skin deep

"You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful, and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick? Then there's other people, when you meet them you think, "Not bad, they're okay," and then you get to know them and...and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality's written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful."

I was talking to one of the teachers at my school this morning after my Oral Exam was over. We started talking about my roommates and how we'd gotten through the first few months of living together. We spent a good 20-30 minutes talking about expectations, love languages, personality types, and communication. And right before I left I said something along the lines of, "I'm so blessed to have the roommates that I have. I've grown  to love them way more than I ever expected to."

As you get to know someone, your vision of them evolves. If I look back at memories of my roommates when I first met them 4 months ago, the people that they seem to be are entirely different.

When I saw them before, I saw them as a stranger saw them. I saw Mariah's blonde hair, positive attitude, and sweet smile. I saw Bonnie's short 5'2" body, her bubbly/giggly personality, and huge eyes. 4 months later, I see such entirely different things when I see them. Because we've gone through so much. Those girls were incredibly beautiful when I met them. But to me, they are so much more beautiful. I've seen them cry, pee their pants laughing, stuffing their faces, seen the conflicts with family members, watched them struggle with school. And, somehow more importantly, they've seen me through the same things. They've seen me get my heart broken, heard me swear(sorry girls), had to endure me talking about my boyfriend for hours on end, seen me shove 21 grapes in my mouth(multiple times).

When I look at Mariah, I still see her blonde hair, her sweet smile, her positive attitude. But now I see the reason for that attitude. I see how in love she is with the gospel. I see how devoted she is to those that she loves. I see her for a fraction of the amazing woman that she is. When I look at Bonnie, I still see her curly brown hair, huge eyes, giggles, and tiny body. But now I see the huge personality to go with that tiny body. I see what a strength she is to all those around her. I see her for the comfort I've seen her give almost anyone that's walked through our doors. I see her for her automatic acceptance and love for everyone she meets. I see a glimpse of the wonderful person she is.

I can't imagine seeing these girls any other way. They've become so incredibly beautiful to me, somehow moreso than when we first met.

I didn't mean to turn this into a roommate appreciation post. But, I seriously love my roommates. They've been there with me during my absolute darkest days. They've seen me through so much, and refrained from judging. They've wiped my tears, rolled their eyes at my lame tractor jokes, and listened patiently as I get off on HUGE tangents when I tell stories(Really. You needed to know which direction Midway is).

People are so beautiful. There is not an ugly person out there. You just have to look past the surface to see how incredibly beautiful everyone is. This is definitely something I need to work on. I see people, judge them, and then dismiss them. The last few months have definitely taught me the value of getting to know people and looking past what is blatantly obvious. I want people to give me that same chance. I don't want people to see me, think I'm not worth their time, and pass over me. If I see the beauty in others, I can begin to see the beauty in myself.

I seriously love my roommates.

Hey, I've never met you, let's become best friends

Okay, this is another one of those topics that I probably post about way too often. But this is something that is on my mind a TON, and I keep getting little reminders of it.

5 months ago, I had a random conversation with a friend of mine while I was at work. It was just like every other night when I'd get bored and text him. He happened to mention a friend of his that was moving to SLC, where I was planning on moving, and I realized that it was someone I knew. The very next day, a friend of mine mentioned to another girl that I was planning on moving to SLC. These two girls became my roommates a few short months later.

Bonnie pressured me into going to a ward game night 3 months ago, which I desperately didn't want to go to. I had a random conversation with a guy I didn't know, and he ended up becoming one of my best friends. And through him, I met SO many other people that have become so close to my heart.

A month ago, I asked a random guy I'd only spoken with a few times to go to the Sadie Hawkins dance. He has become one of my and my roommates best friends since this time.

I had a random conversation with a girl in my ward last week, and we started talking about my dissatisfaction with my job, and from that I now have a new job.

Seriously. From the randomest situations, the most wonderful things come to fruition. You don't meet someone and think "I bet they'll be my husband", but sometimes that happens. It's random, and it doesn't make sense. There are all these circumstantial things, outside of our power, that are so amazing. It's so reassuring to know that there's someone out there, placing these people in my path, looking out for me, knowing exactly what I need to help me through that point in my life.

Sometimes it's hard to just let it go, and trust that everything happens for a reason. Life throws you curveballs, but it's never more than you can handle. Sometimes, a lot of the time, it does feel like it's gotten past the breaking point. There have been plenty of times where I feel at my wits end, ready to just give up, especially in the past month.

But then I'll remember all of the blessings I have, all the amazing people that I've been blessed with, because of insignificant little moments, and I remember that it'll all work out. There will be other random moments in the future that will introduce me to people to help me through new hardships.

Seriously blessed to have this girl so I don't have to walk to church alone.

A hilarious series of unfortunate events

Disclaimer: The chances of you finding humor in this post are pretty small.

Once upon a time I decided to ask Bonnie on a roomie date. A girls night of sorts. And when I do something, I go big or go home. So I had a big evening planned. Dinner at home, jamba juice, the planetarium, the jingle bus, and then some hot chocolate before we walked through the lights at temple square on our way home. However. Almost everything that could hilariously go wrong, did.

Dinner went off without a hitch. Looking back at it(even though it was only a few hours ago) we are shocked that nothing went wrong with dinner.

After eating, we bundle up(three coats each...it's freezing out there) and head to Jamba Juice. Now, about 3 weeks ago when I started planning this ordeal, I bought a groupon for Jamba Juice. So we head to our nearest Jamba Juice. And upon getting there, we are informed that they don't have "the software" to accept our groupon. So we pull up directions to the nearest Jamba Juice, in Sugarhouse. We leave, and Bonnie mixes up the directions. Twice. And then when we're roughly 30 seconds away, we get lost and spend another 5 minutes getting back to the right road.

This is where it gets really interesting. We spent probably 30 minutes trying to get access to my groupon/them trying to accept it. We ended up walking to Barnes and Noble to use their wifi. While we waited for it to load, we went up the escalators because Bonnie insisted. And one of us said something funny enough to make Bonnie almost pee her pants. And then, when we finally get it to work, the man behind the counter(who does not speak English very well) says to Bonnie, "Your smile..it reminds me of my ex....sister-in-law". However, he took a long enough pause that we were sure he was going to say "ex-wife" and so we ended up laughing uncomfortably as he made our smoothies.

The whole smoothie ordeal took almost an hour and a half. Most of that was spent trying to get wifi to open the GPS. It's about time one of us gets a smart phone....

We head back to the apartment to park the car so we can head to the Planetarium. Which was an ordeal in itself. As we were walking to the trax station, Bonnie got seriously freaked because someone walked towards her and lets say it put us in tears, laughing. We were laughing SO much at this point, that I started telling somewhat depressing stories to prevent anyone from peeing their pants. And basically the moment I finished the story, Bonnie found something to laugh at...

We get on the train...however. We got on the green line. Instead of the blue line. Which isn't usually a problem. Except we ended up going the wrong direction a little bit. Normally, trax would let us off DIRECTLY in front of the Planetarium. But it took us the opposite direction, so we had to walk 3 blocks in 8 degree weather to get there.

The Planetarium went smoothly, until we were about to leave. We were starting to think that our luck was turning good. But then we walk into the bathroom. And the janitor is standing in the bathroom. Which wouldn't be a problem. Except he has his hands in the back of his pants. So we just stand there for a minute, not sure of what to say.  And then he turns around and says hi, and we ask to use the bathroom. As we're trying to put our many layers back on before leaving said bathroom, I accidentally placed one of my coats under the automatic soap dispenser. Hilarity ensued. And the janitor opened the door about 5 times in the few minutes it took us to wash our hands and layer back up, and each time he seemed so surprised to see us in the bathroom. Like, what, did you expect us to evaporate?

Luckily for us, the trip home was uneventful. We caught the train just as it pulled into the station, we stopped at Starbucks, decided to forego the jingle bus, as we were tuckered out, and walked through temple square. We only stopped about every 5 feet so Bonnie could take pictures. ;)

Again, if you managed to read through this post without thinking we were some of the most boring people on the planet...I hope you enjoyed yourself? I guess?

"Your smile...reminds me of my ex.....sister-in-law."

B: "Just so you know, that's the InstaCare, right there."
A: "Is that like Urgent Care?"
B: "No, it's InstaCare."
A: "Yeah, but is that like the ER? Or what?"
B: "No. It's like the Emergency Room."
A: "...that's what the ER is..."

"Is the temple in our selfie?!"

"We could have our smoothies, be back in the car, and on the way to the planetarium if we had a smart phone!"

B: "Are we going to the Unitarium?!"
A: "...what."

A: "!! I scratched my forehead!"
B: "...and I licked my finger...?"
A: "This is serious. Not like, itched it. Like, bleeding scratched it."

Bundled up on Trax. :)

Wait, is this real life?

Everyday, I wake up, and it's like I'm slowly emerging from a body of water. My dreams are still in my mind and it takes a few minutes for me to realize that I'm conscious. It's like, as I wake up, I can see my dream world slipping away slowly, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Part of me wants to stay in the dreams, because they're comfortable, I can relive good moments. But then part of me longs for me to emerge to consciousness, I can't get there fast enough, because my dreams remind me of the things I'm missing, the reasons I'm sad. It's like I can't win. I want to take things from my subconscious and replace them for the things in my waking life, until I have a comfortable mix of both.