Your infinite worth

I can see your pain.

I've always seen it.

I know you thought you did a bang up job of hiding it.

But it was always there.

I could see it in your beautiful blue eyes when you spoke about your father.

I knew you'd had a hard day when I'd see the cans of empty energy drinks littering your coffee table.

You always said you were an open book, letting everyone see everything. But there was always that part of you that you tried so hard to keep locked up.

I could see you struggle to share, the desire you had to let someone else to help you share the ginormous burden you held on your back.

But you always stopped yourself as soon as sharing got too painful.

You went through a lot. You had a lot of people hurt you. You loved so hard, so openly, to everyone. And so many people shut you out, damaged you.

And you still loved. Everyone.

I have never been more inspired in such a short period of time. I've never met someone who's taught me more about people, about loving others, and been such a perfect example of being Christlike at all times.

You hid your pain behind that persona, your signature.

But you became so beautiful to me on those days that you became vulnerable. Those nights, in the dark, the sleepy, tearfilled eyes, the whispered words of honesty.

It's always amazed me, how, after every single thing, you've still opened up your heart to anyone that would take the time to look at you.

Not because you needed more love in your life. You have plenty of people offering their love. But because you wanted to make sure EVERYONE else had a chance to have as much love as possible.

You would've willingly given your life for someone that didn't give you a second thought, because you saw their infinite worth.

And yet, almost no one saw yours.

And the love came pouring in...

I received such a strong response from my last post. I had so many people thanking me for sharing, for being strong, and I had so so so many people telling me how much they loved me.

It makes me incredibly grateful for the people I have around me. The Lord has truly blessed me when he placed people in my life. It felt so good to finally share, to finally get everything off my chest. At first, I felt very vulnerable, almost scared. But, after a day or so, I just felt relief. For about a day or so, people treated me differently. Like I was fragile.

But I'm the same person I was a week and a half ago.

I don't want anyone to treat me any differently just because they understand my past, and what I'm currently going through. I'm the same person. Treat me the same. :)

I'm not always depressed. I have good days. I strive to be as happy as possible. Some days are easier than others. I just want to make sure you all know that.

That being said, my life is so much better now that I've shared. I no longer feel like I have to hide. I feel like I can be open about what I'm going through. I'm talking to the people closest to me and they are helping me considerably.

So, I just wanted to say thank you, to everyone. For your support, your love, everything. :)

See? I'm happy :)

You can only hide for so long

***DISCLAIMER: I am about to basically bare my soul to you. If you find this annoying, please don't read***

"Hey, Aurora, why are you wearing your headband on your forehead like that?"
"Aurora, take the headband off."
"EVERYONE LOOK. AURORA'S A BOY."

I can literally look back at my life, and pinpoint the day that set the ground for my depression.

Now, I'm not saying that I've been depressed since I was 6. And I'm also not saying that someone calling me a boy is a cause for depression.

Let's remember that I was 6.

Earlier that day, my mother had been meaning to cut my bangs. And gosh dang it, I was sick of my bangs. So, I did what any rational 6 year old would do.

I decided to cut them off.

So, 6 year old me walked into our bathroom, climbed onto our little white stool, and cut my bangs at the roots, in a very jagged line. Horrified at the outcome, I hoped my mother wouldn't notice the difference when I walked out of the bathroom.

She noticed.

Later that day, after my sisters baptism, a girl in our ward came up and started making fun of me. And at the tender age of 6, I was crushed. Heart broken.

But I got over it.

However, that was just the first of many incidents with this girl. She would see me at church and whisper mean things in my ear when no one was listening. She'd hit me as she walked past me in the hall. If I saw her outside of church? Perfect, there were less people to watch as she would hit me and say horrible things about me.

This went on for two years.

The very last time I saw her, was the day before my family moved from Missouri to New Mexico. I was 8 years old, and my mother had sent my little sister and I to their house to be babysat so she could do some last minute packing. This girls mother babied my little sister, who was 4, and sent me outside with her daughter.

Let's just say that was a painful day, and then we'll move on, okay?

A lot of people are going to say, "Why didn't you tell anyone?" Well, I tried telling her mother, because I didn't think MY mother could do anything about it. Her mother said that I was making things up. I told my best friend at the time, but really, what can two 7 year old girls do against that 9 year old girl? Absolutely nothing. And I thought that if my older sister got wind of me tattling, and not being able to take a hit, that I would never hear the end of it. And I was very afraid that if I told my mother that this would be something else for her to make fun of me for, another reason to hit me. So, I kept silent.

I lived a very happy, bully-free life for the next couple of years. And I let everything that had happened in Missouri live in the past. I was young, there was no reason to hold a grudge against a girl that had obviously been in pain. I just forgot about the whole thing.

Then, shortly after my 12th birthday, it all started again.

This is where I have to be careful with my stories. This was in my somewhat recent past. I don't want to point fingers, to blame. I have forgiven all those that have hurt me in the past. That being said...I'll continue with my story.

I had been friends with a group of girls. Out of the blue, I was ejected from that group. And that group turned on me. It was rarely physical, but very, very emotional.

I spent a year of my life very depressed. I felt like I didn't have anyone that I could turn to. I wasn't friends with my sisters, my mother, anyone in my family. Literally every friend that I had had, no longer wanted anything to do with me. I was lost. However, I didn't like this uber sad feeling I always had, obviously, so I kept trying. Something my 12 year old brain didn't quite grasp was that I should probably try to make friends ELSEWHERE. But no, I kept trying with the SAME group of girls. If you guessed that NOTHING good came out of this, you would be 110% correct.

I was contemplating suicide. Very strongly. I know this seems extreme, I mean, it wasn't THAT bad. I'm not saying it was rational. It just was. And...I made a few, very feeble, attempts on my life. Please don't press me for details, that's still under lock and key. The thing was, I didn't WANT to die. I just...didn't want to live.

On a very pivotal night, I met someone that totally turned everything around for me. I stopped having suicidal thoughts, for the most part.

As I got older, the bullying and abuse got a little bit easier to handle. But, it was still there, and very prominent in my life. I would get the usual mean words, hateful notes, etc. I'd get thrown in the dumpsters after seminary on a somewhat regular basis. On one occasion it bruised my tailbone severely. I would get judged, and mocked, and made fun of, up until the beginning of the summer 2013.

March 2013 I did something really hard. And...it sorta messed me up. I lost the person I confided in the most, the person that kept my chin up when I was feeling especially insecure, a certain persons comments were really hurting, or my depression was threatening to come back. I no longer had a partner in crime. And guys, I felt so so guilty for what I did. I still do. It's one of those things that has stayed with me for a while.

I betrayed someone's trust so entirely, that I betrayed my own trust. Does that even make sense?

I've been left by a lot people in my life. Only three have impacted the way that I feel about myself. This is one of them. The other two impacted me in different ways, and they are definitely supplementary to my depression, but I'm not at the point where I can rehash those things. They're still a little too personal.

The point of this post is...well, this is my story. I'm letting the cat out of the bag. I can count on one hand how many people know ANY of this story, and I am the sole person that knows all of this.

And now you all know. yayy...

It's about time I share this. Even though this hurts, I have to come to terms with why I feel the way I feel, ya know? I kept allllll of behind VERY thick walls until October 2013. That's a really long time to keep all that pain to yourself. And the first time I told someone about part of this...man, I can't tell you how good it felt. And it gets easier every time I tell part of it. And I have to come to terms with my problems. If you're still reading this, you're probably really bored. Because this story is neither fun or fascinating.

I'm battling with depression, an eating disorder, and self harm. And basically...this is my story.

This post isn't so I can get pity from anyone, but the point of it is basically to say, literally anyone could be struggling. For the most part, I've done a pretty good job of hiding ALL of this. You never know who's struggling.

15 things I learned in my first semester in college

Okay, so, I got a really great response for my last post. It seriously made me feel so so good to hear all that positive feedback. I worked on that post for a few days, so it seriously melted my heart(in the best way possible) to hear all that. Thanks for boosting my ego, ya'll. ;)

I'm currently working on another post that probably won't even be that great, but, in the meantime, here's a list for you that's not even very impressive:

1. It's okay to completely change your plans.

2. It's okay to have a crappy retail job until you get your footing.

3. You (probably) won't marry your first boyfriend into college. That's okay.

4. You can't let anyone else tell you how you're feeling.

5. It's okay to spend a little bit of time trying to figure out who you are, what you believe, how you wanna present yourself.

6. You'll get homesick.

7. Your mom is one of the best people you'll ever know.

8. You don't have to go on pity dates with everyone who asks you.

9. It's okay to cry in the shower.

10. You're gonna want to fold your laundry, or else your roommates might hate you.

11. It's okay to have a day every once in a while to mope around and do nothing.

12. Prioritizing isn't just a myth your mama told you about. You really need to do that stuff.

13. Don't dismiss people right away. Give everyone time to prove themselves.

14. That being said, you don't have to continue spending time with someone who you seriously don't like that you've given a fair chance.

15. It's important to be yourself. Always.

We weren't meant to work out

In a parallel universe, maybe we grew up together.

Maybe we were neighbors.

Or we were in the same primary class. Maybe you would hold my hand during class, or blow me kisses in the hallway, to be later reprimanded by your mother.

When we were 8, we'd meet on the street adjacent to our houses, and we'd ride our bikes up and down the street, laughing as we'd almost run into each other. And afterwards we'd race up and down the dirt hill behind my house.

As we grew older, into our teen years, we'd lay on the trampoline in your backyard, laughing as we pointed out made-up constellations.

I would've been there for you when girls broke your heart, and you would've let me cry on your shoulder when boys broke mine.

I would've been the friend that you called when your anxiety got bad, or your parents were fighting, and you needed a confidant.

Maybe, somewhere in those confusing years, is when we would've fallen in love.

You and me, walking home, hand in hand. My parents telling you not to keep me out so late. You apologizing, but giving my hand a squeeze saying that it was worth it. My younger siblings adoring you, jumping on you and swinging from your neck whenever you walked through the front door. You'd be invited over for family dinner on a regular basis. My mom would think you're hilarious, my dad would love your motivation.

You'd go on your mission, and I'd still be here, two years later, waiting.

You'd meet my grandparents, and my grandma would fret over how skinny you were, and my grandpa would find someway to embarrass you. My brothers-in-law would ask when you were joining the family, and we'd laugh it off, answering with snarky comments, but really we'd both be wondering the same thing.

When you finally popped the question, it would've been just the kind of thing that perfectly defined us and our relationship.

We would get married young, by some standards, but it would be just perfect for us. We'd struggle to make ends meet, as we tried to follow your dreams, and to follow mine as well. But no matter how hard it got, we'd still love each other, still want to make it work.

Can you imagine how adorable our babies would be? They'd get my nose, your eyes. They'd get your drive, my creativity. We'd take them to the park and watch them run around on their fat little legs, bringing dandelions and pebbles to us with grins on their faces, proud of their finds. We'd cuddle up on the couch with our 5 little sleepy kiddos and watch the same Disney Movies we'd watched when we were their age, reminiscing in the years we'd known. We'd climb into bed at night, exhausted, but so in love with the little family that we were raising.

We'd get old, your hair would start to fall out, maybe mine would too. Our kids would grow up, move out, and cause our remaining hair to go grey from the stress of it all. But we'd still love each other. I'd still look at you every morning and think that you were the most handsome man that I'd ever met. Because you would be.

We'd celebrate the milestones together. 25 years, 50, 60, together. Not many couples make it that far, but we did.

We'd make it through everything, every fight, every poopy diaper, every distressed teenager, because we loved each other. Our end goal would remain the same, our love would become somehow stronger, and we'd last through it all.

Sometimes I imagine a world, only slightly different than the one you and I live in now. I imagine a world where, this isn't just a line of thought, but it's a reality. It's a world where we worked out.

But it's not.

That world is a few tracks off from the one you and I are living in.

We are not in that world. You are not with me. I can imagine, for a few blissful moments, that it's so. And those 10 minutes of fantasy will be beautiful. But then I'll wake up, return to the real world, and face every day without you, knowing what could've been.

The truth is, we weren't meant to work out like that. You weren't meant to grow up down the street from me. My grandma wasn't meant to fuss over you. You weren't meant to have a strong bond with my little brother, and an even stronger one with my baby sister. You weren't meant to live out your days on this earth with me.

You were meant for someone else.

Maybe you and I could've survived through the coming obstacles. But maybe not. And maybe that's the sole reason that life didn't play out like this, that life took a drastic track change, out of the blue. Because for some reason, I'd have challenges you couldn't help me with. And there were things that I wouldn't be able to help you with. And we'd both have to struggle independently. And that's not how a relationship works.

I know that that's not how things worked.

I know that this is how things are working now.

I know it, I just have to accept it.

Who's to say my ankles are fat?

It seems like no matter how confident a person you are, there are always going to be those people that try to tear you down. It could be something small and insignificant. It could be something big. And for some people, the more confident, they can let that insult roll right off of them, and continue to be the wonderful people that they are, untainted.

And I'm jealous of those people.

Because I fall in a different category of people. The people that let those snide comments stick to them like gum sticks to the bottom of a picnic table. The longer those mean words are in the mind, the harder it is to remove them, just like the gum(gross analogy, I know. Bear with me).

Everyone has insecurities, small or large. If you let those insecurities hold you back, well, you'll miss out on a lot of things.

I'm one of those people that's held on to every little mindless remark. And then I let other insecurities stem off of them. Oh, I have a really dry nose? Officially obsessed with that fact.

And that's so dumb. Why should I care if I have dry skin on my nose? Why should ANYBODY care? The answer is, simply, I'm the only one that cares. On the off chance that someone even NOTICES, they're just going to dismiss it, because they're not going to care. It's a little dry skin, whatever, next observation, please. When you focus on an insecurity, you're the only one noticing. You're the only one grieving over the fact that your voice is a little bit gravelly, even though you're a girl. Seriously. You're the only one who notices.

And your insecurities? Other people find them endearing, cute, even. Sometimes those are the things people love about you? Yeah, I love that you have a gap between your teeth. Yeah, I love that you pick all your nail polish off within a day of painting your nails. Yeah, I love that your eyebrows are uneven. Yeah, I love that you can eat as much, if not more, than the average growing male. Someone out there loves those things you're beating yourself up over. So cut it out, and learn to love yourself.

That being said. I have an incredibly hard time accepting my faults. And I know I've done posts similar to this one before, so I'm sorry if this is a little bit too repetitive for you.  If you're getting annoyed, please bathe yourself in the nearest toilet. I assure you that you'll be a lot more tolerant of my ramblings after doing so.

This post is basically helping me accept my faults, my insecurities. I'm letting you guys see some of them. I'm a beautiful, worthwhile human being. I shouldn't be beating myself up over tiny, temporal flaws, but rather, loving myself the way God made me.

No hate. This was a hard post for me to write, a hard picture for me to post. I'm putting this out there for me, so I can accept myself.

And hey. I love you, random citizen.

The unspoken word

Sometimes I'm bad with words. So I'll let others do the talking for me.

Wide Awake ~ Katy Perry
Breathe ~ Taylor Swift
If You Ever Come Back ~ The Script
Keep Your Head Up ~ Andy Grammar
Come In With The Rain ~ Taylor Swift
Bad News ~ Kanye West
The Hardest Part ~ Coldplay
Suddenly I See ~ KT Tunstall
I Almost Do ~ Taylor Swift
Coldest Winter ~ Kanye West
Wrecking Ball ~ Miley Cyrus
Rolling in the Deep ~ Adele