Homeskooled

I wish I could have a picture of the exact moment that I totally ate concrete this afternoon, because I need another reminder of how graceful I am.

Yesterday was my birthday and it was filled with the people I love most and I am so grateful to everyone that was there. Bonnie woke me up with a stocking full of candy and crayons, and a ginormous coloring book. I got a package from my family, who I got to facetime shortly after opening it. Two of my dear friends made me a shirt that said "#HOMESKOOLED" and I love it to pieces and I wore it today, when I totally biffed it on the longboard.

And my father posted on my facebook wall and I laughed so hard upon reading it. Seriously. Hilarious.

I have been so beyond stressed and everything has been crazy lately. It was so nice to have a day that was much more low-key and it was one of the best birthdays I've ever had.

I'm so blessed by those around me.

Aaand...now this is the end of an incredibly boring blog post. Sorry yo.

And at last, I see the light...

On November 1st, 2013, my mood perfectly matched the cloudy gloom hovering over downtown Salt Lake City. I thought my world had come to an end, sure that I would never recover. Even after you had moved on, I hadn't. For months, I clung to a hope that someday, you'd return to the inverted city, and we'd pick up right where we left off. I thought I'd never be over it. Everyone I knew prayed that I would get over it, because frankly, it was getting annoying.

It took 3 1/2 months.

Having the little bit of perspective that I have, finally, I can say that I'm grateful it ended.

You were a great guy. You taught me a lot about myself. You showed me how to love myself, how to open up, how to share what I needed to, how to get help. I learned that it was okay to fall quickly, and I learned to fall for myself as well.

I also learned that you were a bit of a douchenozzle.

My name in your phone was "Danger Slut ;)". I thought it was funny at the time. It's not.

I thought it was funny how you would call your mom and call her a whore or a skank. It's not.

You liked video games way too much. There's nothing wrong with video games. But when they took priority over me? On multiple ocassions? Yeah no.

Everyone has baggage. I get it. I can handle baggage. *I* have baggage. But if you're gonna constantly tell me that I can't handle all your baggage? I shouldn't even try.

You had a bad past. You let me know, and I'm grateful for that. But you shouldn't glorify your past, talk about it almost as if you're proud of it. I loved that you were honest about your past. But there's no need to bring it up everyday... Please.

You would always joke that the day we met was the best day of MY life, but for you, it was just another Sunday.

The way you would objectify me, sometimes make me feel like such an object?

"Aurora, do you know why we're friends?" "Because I bring you ice cream." "No, that's because you're in love with me." "Than why?" "Because I love your butt." It was funny the first time.

Dead fishing is just gross. Please no.

After the first few days of us dating, you would usually only kiss me when other people were around, for your own comidic satisfaction. Not because you loved me, or because I wanted to kiss you.

Let me repeat. I am not an object.

My sister hated you. You tore us apart. You honestly didn't mean to. But I should've listened to her.

You were my first love, and I was absolutely smitten by you.

And I never wanna have a love like that again.

The real reason I quit my job

"Hey, I'm on my way to work now. Please text me when you leave. I love you, and I'm going to miss you so much." I felt like I was sending my entire heart away as I sent that text, breathing into the cold air, shoving my hands into the pockets of my plaid peacoat at 9:45 on November 1st.

My boyfriend was moving.

And it was the saddest thing of my life.

He and I fit together so well, I couldn't imagine finding someone who fit better. We had talked about marriage, somewhat seriously, and even though we would fight about it more often than not, we had ultimately decided that it was a mutual desire. He had even called my little sister asking for advice on how to pop the question.

We had known for 3 weeks that he was leaving. And we had spent 2 of those weeks pretending it wasn't happening. And then, the final week, I spent every moment I wasn't at work or in class, with him. I spent those few moments between said activities with tears streaming down my face.

And the last day before he moved? I woke up with tears in my eyes. I cried my way through the day, as I sat in class, doing homework, getting my Halloween costume ready. I had to hold back on the costume makeup and make sure that what makeup I WAS wearing was waterproof.

His last words the night before, as he kissed me goodbye on the stairs outside his apartment, caused my heart to feel like it was being ripped in half. "Hey, I really care about you, okay? I always will. I love you, Aurora." he said, before shutting the door. I called back, "Yeah, okay, I care about you too," in the joking manner that I normally would. The second the door shut, I pressed my face against the wall, his door still in sight, sobs racking through my body. I heard the door opening again, and I slipped around the corner so he wouldn't have to see the mess I had become.

I clocked into work, and tried to pretend that my eyes weren't puffy and red as I got chatted in. I got my daily assignment, dressing room, and struggled all morning to blink away tears. I blew off the questions from coworkers when they asked what was wrong. I told them I had allergies, which we all knew was BS. When my emotions got bad enough, I would rush to the bathroom to throw up, and I made excuses(at least one of my coworkers was convinced I was pregnant). I processed box after box of shoes that I couldn't actually see past the veil of tears over my eyes.

There was one box of shoes that I will never forget.

Shortly after 12, after 2 hours of struggling to keep myself together, I stood in the dressing room, processing a box of some of the ugliest shoes I'd ever seen, and I looked up to see the most beautiful human being walking towards me.

I had always thought my boyfriend was attractive. But he seemed to almost glow as he walked up to me, in his jeans and a red hoodie.

My face broke into the biggest smile. "You are literally the last person I expected to see today." I said, as he came forward and enveloped me in his arms. He laughed, kissing me. "I know. That's why I'm here."

"I thought you left at 7, though." I pulled away, not wanting to get in trouble for PDA.

"We had a bunch of errands we had to run. I had to practically beg Kevin to let me stop by and say goodbye to you." He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes and my knees threatened to buckle. I looked down at the shoes, my eyes no longer threatening to spill over, for that brief, blissful moment.

"I can't stay," he said, as I felt my heart drop down to my feet. "Kevin is idling outside. He'll kill me if I take more than a minute." He reached out for me, holding me to his chest.

"I don't want you to leave me," I whispered, fighting back tears.

He pulled away, pressing his lips against mine for the last time. "This isn't for forever. I love you, Aurora."

"I love you too," I choked out.

As I watched that beautiful man walk away, I lost it. I leaned against the table, bent over double, as sobs threatened to loudly leave my throat, as my eyes burned with tears that couldn't be released fast enough. I saw him, barely visible through my tears, look back at me with so much sadness that it made my heart break even more than it already was, if that was even possible, right before he headed down the broken escalators.

The rest of the day my heart felt like it was going to stop working. I had never felt so much pain in my entire life. I begged my boss to let me leave early, and she refused. My eyes threatened to leak at the most inconvenient moments. My stomach lurched and twisted while I would be talking to customers, directing them to their dressing rooms, my eyes glazed over with tears.

Everyday, walking into that dressing room, was like a wound being ripped back open, for two months. Every time I'd see those hideous shiny shoes, a small part of me died.

I couldn't face everyday with that reminder of what I'd lost.

And so, I quit my job. I found somewhere new, somewhere that wasn't full of memories of him picking me up for lunch dates, of anticipating going to his place as soon as I got off work, the memories of him dropping me off and picking me up at work. The memory of my loss.

I quit my job because there was nothing else I could do to stop the pain.

Just another Sunday night

Being with you was like the kind of heart pattering that you're afraid will be audible to everyone in the vicinity.

It was sweaty palms, quick pulse, fast blinking, and explosive butterflies.

It was sweet, slow, and meaningful.

It was lingering, omnipresent. On my mind when I was sorting clothes at work, when I'd be walking under the street lights at 2 am, when I was making pinwheels for my roommates, when I'd wear those red pants you loved, or the navy sweater you adored, or when anyone would mention the Classic Doctor Who.

It was the kind of love that was reciprocated.

It was the best kind of love.

It was not being able to eat for the first week because the thought of you left me feeling too twitterpated and full of feelings to leave room for food.

It was feeling comfortable snuggling up on the couch and crying about the stupid things on my mind.

It was french fries and ice cream on bad days.

It was you pretending that I was 20 for the first few weeks, because the fact that I was 18 and you loving me was scary to you.

It was knowing that you were just as baby hungry as anyone I knew, and totally being okay with you referring to my belly as "the fungeon" when speaking of our future children.

It was feeding you beef jerky when you were wearing gloves.

It was feeling comfortable screaming along to Taylor Swift, because you thought it was funny.

It was loving that I could listen to Eminem with you, and listening to you keep up with him.

It was not being afraid to talk to you for hours outside while I felt incredibly vulnerable.

It was you starting to say "Super" in front of everything, the way that I do.

It was me sticking my neck out with a goofy grin and saying "noooooo" when something goes wrong, just like you do.

It was letting me beat you at video games, with that goofy smile on your face.

It was you covering my eyes when a shark would come on tv.

It was being okay with you seeing me in sweats and a big t shirt.

It was arguing about where we would live once we got married, since we'd kind of taken it as a fact.

It was constant quotes from "The Evil Dead" and "Army of Darkness".

It was falling asleep on your couch, woken up with a kiss.

It was piggy back rides to the grocery store.

It was watching you leave my apartment huddled under my flower printed fleece blanket, because it was too cold outside.

It was you surprise visiting me at work, and having lunch with me on my lunch breaks.

It was telling you about my family, and you enjoying it.

It was you being okay with me seeing you cry.

It was your proclamation of love to everyone who could hear when I brought you ice cream.

It was everything that I could want in a relationship, everything that I thought love was.

But at the end of the day...the day we met was the best day of my life, but for you, it was just a regular Sunday.

Lucky

I miss my mothers graying hair.

I miss being embarrassed going in public with my father and he was mistaken to be much younger.

I miss cooking with my oldest sister.

I miss Taco Bell runs with my sister just younger than I, jamming out to Macklemore and eating in the parking lot behind Pizza 9.

I miss playing with my little neice, trying to get her to say my name.

I miss snuggling with my sisters.

I miss my little brother knocking on my door in the mornings, and coming in to snuggle with me as I did homework.

I miss having my siblings slowly huddle up behind me as I watched Doctor Who.

I miss horsing around with my siblings, having them use my legs as a jungle gym.

I miss the white plastic tablecloth that my mom(who is the coolest) let the kids color on during school time.

I miss going on errands with my mom.

I miss all the hugs, snuggles, and kisses. There is no family better than mine, no love more wonderful than that which my family gives me.

I miss all the little things that seemed insignificant.

You never realize how truly lucky you are until later.

I am so so excited to be reunited with my lovely family next month.

I'm the most blessed girl around.

My roommates alleged double life

"Nose goes!" Everyone slapped their fingers to their noses, not wanting to be the last one.

"Aaand...Bonnie. You're first. Go outside while we discuss this," and with that, Bonnie walked outside, huddled under her blanket, while we discussed how to conduct this round of "Psychiatrist".

Just as we were about to call Bonnie back inside, we heard a shattering and some profane words from the porch. We heard Bonnie laughing, and then the porch door opened, a guy in a beanie holding Bonnie. He set her down, left, and then returned with a case of beer.

"Hey, guys, I'm Spencer. Is Mariah here?" We all blinked a few times before letting him know that Mariah was on a date but she should be home soon, sorry bro. He looked confused.

"Well, I brought beer!" he said, I suppose trying to make friends?

There was dead silence in the apartment.

"That's great! Except...none of us drink," I responded, sensing how awkward he felt.

His bewilderment was apparent. "Well...I guess I'll just put this in the kitchen," he said, moving past me.

"Yeah. So, how do you know Mariah?" I asked, as he tried to get himself and his beer around the many people crowded into the living room.

"We work together at the coffee garden." He said, finally making it to the hallway before the kitchen.

"Hey that's awesome. Wait. Except, Mariah doesn't work at the coffee garden."

The awkward silence was almost as awkward as the previous one.

"Wait...she doesn't? Uhm...am I at the right place? 174 N Main St?" I honestly felt really bad for this guy.

"No...this is 180 N Main St."

Seriously. I didn't know so many awkward silences could exist within such a short period of time.

"Oh." He honestly looked like he didn't know how to handle the situation.

"Uhm. Do you. Uh...you could. Uhm. Well." Seriously. Is there a polite way to say 'this way too the door please leave now'?

He blinked a few times and looked sincerely lost.

"Uh. Well. If you go out the doors and head to the left, you'll find 174." I motioned awkwardly towards the front door. "There are stairs." I added stupidly.

He still looked lost. I didn't want to seem rude and open the front door, so we all just stood there for a few more dreadfully awkward moments.

"All right. Well. It was nice meeting you guys, I guess." He said, opening the front door.

"Hope you find the right apartment..."