Stop asking me how I lost weight

Like basically every female out there, I can testify that the "Freshman Fifteen" is very real.

When I moved away from home, I weighed 124 pounds. I was generally pretty fit, working out multiple times a week, eating pretty healthy.

Within the first semester in college, I had blown up, considering how small I had been before. My mother kept telling me that it was me just "filling out". My boyfriend(now ex :) ) made comments on how I was "getting chubby".

That summer, I went to Paris. And I definitely let myself indulge in all the croissants I could get my hands on.

When I came back from Paris, I weighed about 170 pounds.

That's a lot of weight to gain in a very short amount of time. I don't want to hear any "You're tall, it's okay", "You still looked good!" "That's still small" "Your mom is right, you were just filling out.".

Any or all of those could be accurate. But the means that that weight was gained was unhealthy, and the rate at which it was gained was also not healthy.

When I got back from Paris, I started dating Seth. And by the time we got married, I'd managed to lose basically all of that weight, now fluctuating between 125 and 130 pounds.

A lot of people, specifically people that met me around August-November of last year, have made comments about my weight. And I've dodged that same question, so many times. "How did you lose all that weight?!" They say it like it's so amazing, that someone can lose weight.

First of all, if you want to lose weight, there are healthy ways to do so. You eat right, and you exercise. There are no shortcuts.

However, I didn't take that healthy route.

For about three years, I've struggled with an eating disorder. I've talked about this before, and the reasons behind it isn't something that I really want to get into at the moment. When it started getting really bad was roughly two months into my freshman year in college, two years ago. I wasn't used to my body acting this way when I ate food, and so I fought back, in the most unhealthy way possible. I stopped eating. I would not eat for days, and then binge. So, obviously, I didn't lose weight. In fact, I gained weight.

That continued for about a year.

When I came home from France, I started to feel really sick. I lost my appetite, I found almost no desire to eat. And about a month after that started, I started throwing up. I wasn't physically able to keep anything down.

Because my body was so sick, and rejecting any sort of food, I slowly started to lose weight. I got sick enough that a year ago, over Thanksgiving break, my mother and I dragged my poor boyfriend along with me to 7 different doctors appointments over the course of just 2 days. Acupuncturists, blood work, my primary doctor, MRIs, the works. It was kind of a stressful few days.

And the stupidest part, is that I did it to myself. I literally did it to myself. Shortly after this "hell week", I was diagnosed with Panic disorder. My anxiety levels had reached such a high point that it was causing me to be physically ill.

Once I learned to manage my body and emotions better, a lot of the sickness went away. It was now just an occasional sickness. And I had dealt with it long enough that I was, for the most part, able to handle it and appear to be functioning at a normal level.

Because I was able to eat, again, I started gaining weight again. Which is absolutely natural.

So what did I do?

I stopped eating. And I started throwing up.

Seth was gone from January-March earlier this year.

The first thing he said when he saw me again?

"Wow, you're tiny."

I'd starved myself to reach this sickly ideal. Literally, sickly.

It's something I deal with, I'm learning to cope with.

I've received, and continue to receive, help. I've gained some weight since I got married, and most of me is okay with that fact. I'm being healthy.

I'm not writing this to have people more worried about me.

I'm writing this to say that being skinny isn't, and shouldn't, be a desirable goal. I may be skinny, but that doesn't mean that I'm healthy.

For some people, it is.

I just want people to stop looking at me in awe, "wow, tell me your secrets!" The secret is to hate yourself and your body and push yourself past the limits.

So don't follow in my footsteps. I'm not a good role model.

Stop asking me how I lost weight. Stop asking me how I manage to be so skinny.

Sunrises and amazing views

It was dark as we drove up to the La Verkin overlook on Saturday morning. Our headlights cut through the dark in front of us, startling a couple making out. Within a few minutes of us being there, they had driven off, annoyed that we'd interrupted them. Sorry, not sorry.

We climbed out of the car, wrapped in a blanket, only to be pushed back into the car by the wind. My mood wasn't deflated, and we simply wrapped ourselves up in the back seat instead, waiting, as the sky gradually got lighter.

We talked and laughed and cuddled, his cold toes pressed against my legs. We both wore our fuzziest pajamas, his blue with stars, mine black with polka dots.

I didn't want to forget a single moment.

As the sun rose over the horizon, and the sky exploded into hues of pink and orange, Seth looked down at me and smiled. "So..." he started, diverting my attention from the marvelous sky to the marvelous guy I'd been dating for the past month. "We've had a lot of fun in the last month. I really enjoy spending time with you. And I think I'd like to only date you...and we don't have to put a label on it, we don't have to call it anything, if you don't want to. But I want to know that you're only with me." He looked down at me tentatively, not sure how I'd respond. A smile slowly spread across my face as I responded, "Does this mean I get to call you my boyfriend?" He laughed and kissed me, in response.

"Yes, you can call me your boyfriend."

My teeth touched his lips as he kissed me, my smile too big for me to kiss him back properly.

That was a year ago, October 11, 2014. We'd spent the previous month testing the waters, seeing if we wanted to make this a real thing. I remember getting jealous every time he mentioned another girl, whenever he hung out with another girl, and I know that he reciprocated those feelings towards me and other young men.

We drove down that hill later, as the sun shone, warming everything up, and I held his hand, an impossibly large smile on my face. Ha. He was mine.

That was a year ago. Exactly a year ago. Today, it's October 11, 2015. This morning we woke up and drove to the Sandy Amphitheater park, overlooking the city we live in, as we watched the sunrise. Coincidentally, this is the same place that he proposed to me.

I reflect over the last year I've had with this man, a year of adventures, a year of love,, and a year of many "yes"s.

Yes, I'll go on a date with you.

Yes, I'll be your girlfriend.

Yes, I'll wait for you on your mission.

Yes, I still want to date you.

Yes, I'll marry you.

Yes, I do.

I am so in love with this man, this man that is mine.

Our future is full of other yes's, other sunrises, other adventures.

I couldn't be more grateful for the experiences we've had, and I'm excited for all the experiences in our future.

When I Find Myself at a Loss of Words...

I often find myself looking at my husband, and I have a loss of words. I, someone who prides herself on being very good with words, can't think of a single word to describe how I feel.

There have been times that I've tried to explain to him these thoughts, these word-less thoughts. But I'm met with somewhat blank stares as the words struggle to leave my tongue.

I so badly want to be able to express the way I feel.

There had been so many times while I was a teenager, that I was ready to give up. There were times that I did give up. There were times that I thought my life was over, and that was how I intended it to be. I had my heart broken, by friends, situations, boys. I felt lonely. I felt the weight of so many things a young 13 year old girl shouldn't have to deal with. Or a 16 year old girl. Or an 18 year old girl.

And he makes all of that worth it.

I've always understood that we experience everything for a reason. Everything is put in our path to help us learn lessons. I've had nights where I sobbed in my bed, paced my kitchen screaming my feelings, and drowned my feelings in a bath, as I wished that I'd never had to learn these lessons. Getting mad at God for teaching me lessons is such painful ways. I knew I was supposed to learn these things. But I didn't want to learn them.

But as these experiences are in my past, and as I look at my husband sitting next to me as we eat breakfast on a Sunday morning, I'm grateful that I learned these lessons. And I'm grateful that he learned painful lessons as well. Because they shaped us into the people that we are now, and they prepared us to be with each other.

Getting to roll over every morning and feel his arms pull me closer to him, it makes me glad I never gave up.

At work about a month ago or so, a handful of my coworkers got into a conversation about "settlers and reachers" in a relationship. By their theory, in every relationship there is one individual that settles, and one that has to reach to meet the other. I mentioned it to Seth and we kinda laughed about it. The thing is, we each feel like we're the reacher. I look at Seth, and I think he is so handsome. I think he is a beautiful person, inside and out. I see the most tender and sweet man I've ever met. I've never had someone treat me as well as he does. And I ask myself daily how I got to be so lucky to get to have him as my eternal companion. But I know that Seth feels the same. Which makes me feel even more loved, even more valuable.

I've been having horrible nightmares over the past few months, waking me up with panic attacks and a cold sweat. Seth is always so patient with them, always waking up and coming to my side to comfort me. Just a few nights ago, I was dreading going to sleep because of a particularly bad nightmare I'd had a few nights before. So he held me in bed, and sang to me until I fell asleep. I felt so blessed to have someone who cared so much about me.

I can't imagine that I'm an easy person to be married to. I love cooking but hate doing dishes, folding laundry is the bane of my existence, and I never replace the roll of toilet paper. I have anxiety and depression, and Seth leaves me every morning worried that I'll be safe throughout that day. Not just "I hope the roads are safe on her way to work", but he worries about my mental and emotional state, because what isn't keeping me safe is myself. He worries about me every single time I'm not with him. Because he wants to protect me and he wants me to be safe. But he knows that I'm a big girl and I can keep myself safe. It doesn't stop him from worrying, though.

Seth accepts every single issue I bring forth, and doesn't even blink an eye. He loves me, and all of my injuries, issues, and insecurities, and he does it all unconditionally.

I look over at my husband every morning as he's still sleeping, and my eyes look over his cheekbones, crooked nose, and messy hair, and I love every inch of it. I think he's breathtaking in those soft moments.

I looked over at him while we sat in a theater a few months back, and watched his face as he took in the music and dancing in front of us. I watched his reaction, witnessed the love that he had for the art, the desire within him, and felt his hand on mine. And I swear I'd never seen a more attractive being.

I looked at him on May 15th as I held his hands and felt tears come to my eyes, as we promised ourselves to each other. I looked at him and felt my whole body fill with so much love that I thought I wouldn't be able to stand. I thought I could never feel so much of an emotion as I did on that day.

But I prove myself wrong every day. Every day when I look at his beautiful face, my heart leaps forward, propelling me to him. I lose my breath as I am reminded of how much I love him.

I am finding myself, again, at a loss of words to try to describe the way he makes me feel. I guess this is what love is supposed to feel like. I can very confidently say that I never felt this kind of love before I met this man I am lucky enough to call my husband. I laugh when I remember the boys I once thought I "loved".

I don't think I'll ever be able to articulate my thoughts coherently enough to explain how in love I am with Seth. But for now, it is enough to just know he feels the same way.

McCausland Family Update

First of all, Seth and I are alive and well.

Look how happy and married we are!!

So many things have happened over the last few months that we've been married.

We got a dog. He is the sweetest dog, and a wonderful addition to our little family. I'm grateful for him everyday. He keeps us company when only one of us is home, he keeps us safe(we live in a pretty ghetto neighboorhood...), and he loves us so much that it makes us feel like a family. He's a rescue, and he's about 8 years old. So, he's a grumpy old man, but we still adore him.

This picture is SUPPOSED to make you scared of our dog. 

Seth and I both got new jobs. Or rather, I got a new job, and Seth got a promotion. We both enjoy where we work, and we're happy.

I'm sorry..

We got bed bugs. This was one of the most stressful experiences of my life. We'd been getting bitten since we first moved into the apartment earlier in the summer. But, we had a huge spider problem in the apartment, and we assumed it was that. Once the spiders went away, and we were still getting bitten, we started exploring all the other options. We didn't even consider it being bed bugs, until one day we went to go wash our sheets, and the bed bugs had gotten bad enough that we could see them. I'll spare you the details, just know it was disgusting. I was also sick that day, so we had to spend that day switching back and forth from me throwing up, and us hauling the infested mattress out to the dump. It was kinda a miserable week. Thank heavens, we are now bed bug free. We are able to sleep through the night without waking up to itch the myriad of bites covering our bodies. So, we're happy.

This is our "we're exhausted because of bed bugs" face.

I went back to school. It's just been part time(nothing like the 17 credits I was taking last year). It's been a struggle, trying to juggle part time school with a full time job, but now that the semester is almost half over, haha, I'm getting the hang of it. I changed my major to English/Writing with a minor in French. I am loving it.

I started writing more. I know I haven't been writing HERE very much, but I really have been writing. I started writing for LDR Blogs, which is a website based on Long Distance Relationships. Because my LDR has ended(since Seth and I are now married), I don't write here a ton. However, I also got hired on at Unwritten, where I write about 2 articles a week. It has been such a wonderful creative outlet, and it's wonderful knowing that I'm a published author. And it's been a wonderful starting point. I just recently got offered to write basically the same type of articles, but to get paid for it(!!!) at a similar website. So, I'm just beginning to dip my toes into that. We'll see how well it works out. I'm excited for this new adventure, though.

This is how smart I look when I'm writing stuff.

I lost weight, and Seth gained weight. Since Seth and I started dating(which is when I stopped blogging so much) I was about 40 pounds heavier than I am now. So, I lost quite a bit of weight. Most of it was before we got married. I am very pleased, though, that instead of gaining marriage weight, I've lost about 5 pounds since we got married. And Seth has been putting on some weight(I've been trying to feed him more caloricly dense food) and he's pretty pleased with that.

There have been other milestones and things that we've accomplished since getting married, that don't really seem like things that we'd share with he public. But Seth has gotten cast in Forever Plaid at a theater in Magna, I've gotten a better handle on my anxiety(which has been huge for me), and we have grown together SO much.

We are so happy, and I am so blessed every single day for the wonderful man I get to call my husband.

We are so blessed. I am so happy to have a wonderful partner who I have the opportunity to spend forever with.

We love you all!!

I Would Walk 500 Miles...

When you start dating someone, two separate worlds are being combined, forced to mesh in places, while other aspects join together flawlessly.

Every relationship is different, and there are different "deal breakers" in every couples view.

Being Long Distance, a lot of those things don't come out until you get the opportunity to spend more time with someone in person, which sometimes means that you've been dating for a significant amount of time already.

By the time Seth realized that I had a problem, we'd already been dating for a few months, he was head over heels for me, and he was way too invested in our relationship for him to end it.

I have a horrible taste in music.

Well, at least, according to HIM.

I think my taste in music is fine.

Seth likes Indie/Hipster/very obscure music.

Which I also enjoy, don't get me wrong.

But I am definitely a "I know every Taylor Swift song ever by heart" kind of girl. Pop music is my love. More often than not, Seth ends up rolling his eyes and listening to my music somewhat begrudgingly.

Seth may disagree on these songs, but these are ten songs that I feel like perfectly describe Seth's and my relationship.

Lucky (Jason Mraz)

Little Things (One Direction)

I'm Gonna Be(500 Miles) (Sleeping At Last)

Perfect For Me (Ron Pope)

The Girl (City and Colour)

Can't Stop Thinking About You (Steve Moakler)

Come to Me (Goo Goo Dolls)

The Quiz (Hello Saferide)

Kiss You (One Direction)

Trumpets (Jason Derulo)


Inspired by this ldr blog prompt: Top Ten.

A smile, and the best surprise

Last winter was surprisingly mild, but you wouldn't hear me complaining. The one time we got hit with snow was at the end of December/beginning of January, and we didn't see it again. I was grateful for the warmth during the summer. I was also grateful for the clear roads.

Last December, it had been a few weeks longer seeing Seth than I was used to. The longest we usually went without each other was two weeks(we were spoiled, as long as long distance relationships were concerned). I had been searching for a car, and the plan was to drive down to visit him the week before I went home for Christmas. It had been almost a month since I'd last seen him, and I was sorely disappointed that my car search had turned up nothing. The weekend was quickly approaching, and I sadly had to tell Seth that it would be an additional two weeks before we got to see each other.

I was very blessed that semester to have one of the best, and sweetest, roommates I've ever had. While crying and telling her how sad I was that I couldn't go and see him, she offered to drive me down that weekend.

But we didn't tell Seth.

The plan was to leave Saturday evening, after Torie got off work. At about 9 am, that Saturday, Torie woke me up with a smile, telling me that someone had agreed to cover her shift, and we could leave immediately. I have never jumped out of bed faster. I was packed, showered, and ready to go within an hour. We stopped off and fueled both us and her car, and began our 4.5 hour drive.

It was one of the most fun car trips I've ever had. Made more exciting by my jumping up and down on the edge of my seat, eagerly anticipating arriving.

Seth and I had agreed to facetime that night, to makeup for the fact that we wouldn't get to see each other. We got there slightly later than anticipated(gas/potty breaks always take more time than you think), and it was just starting to get dark(it was getting dark at like, 4 pm, though). With my heart beating out of my chest, I called him from his porch, and tried(unsuccessfully) to sound sad.

"Hey, babe. Listen..something came up. Torie is trying to get out of an awkward date tonight, and I agreed to hang out with them instead. I won't be able to facetime you tonight...but we could always face time tomorrow."

"...really?"

I knocked on the door.

"Yeah. And hey, listen, I have to go, we're about to leave. It was super last minute. I'm so sorry. I'll call you when I get home, for sure."

His dad opened the door, with a look of surprise and joy. I whispered a hello, as I heard Seth confused, and sad. on the other line, say goodbye.

"Does he know you're here?" His dad asked, after enveloping me in a hug.

"No" I grinned, practically skipping to the stairs, to head down to his room.

As soon as I opened the door to the stairwell, I saw him. Standing in his sweats, holding a cat to his chest, and his face broke into a smile.

"I knew it! You sounded WAY too happy when you told me we couldn't facetime tonight." I giggled and grinned as I ran down the stairs to hug him.

It ended up as a short visit, just spending time with him and his family. But it was one of my favorites, getting to spend that time with him before he left for his mission.

Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Visits.

The Last First Date

"I'm sorry, I got a little bit lost on my way to your apartment, I'll be there in an hour instead of 30 minutes! Sorry!"

I rolled over, after reading this text. It was 12:30 PM on a Saturday, and I was still in bed. Obviously, I was still in bed. I'd been out with a few friends the night before, and even though I knew I had a date at 1 PM, I was staying in bed as long as possible.

At 1:00, with more apologetic texts sitting in my unread texts, I forced myself out of bed, and towards a mirror. What I saw looked horrendous, but I didn't really care. I didn't shower, quickly doctoring my hair, putting on a minimal amount of makeup, and putting on one of the rejected outfits from the night before.

At roughly 1:20, I got a text saying that he was there, but he couldn't find my building. I assured him that no one ever could, and I'd meet him in the parking lot. I put on my favorite aviators, locked my front door, and headed down the three flights of stairs.

I had never met Seth. One of my closest friends had told me that I'd be a really good match with him, but I was still hung up on a crush from earlier in the year, before school started. Plus, this boy lived 4 1/2 hours away from me. I was still kinda floored that he was driving all that way for this date. But he'd assured me that he was coming into town anyway to visit his brother, and he just wanted to take me to a casual lunch. I knew he was interested in me, we'd texted and snapchatted over the course of the last few months, as I'd been out of the country until a few weeks before.

I walked into the hot and sunny parking lot, and spotted him right away. He had the passenger door open, bent over as he cleaned something off the floor. When he spotted me coming, he shut the door and came up to me. After exchanging a quick, and slightly awkward hug, he opened my door for me.

Wow. Chivalry. Something I hadn't witnessed in a long time, since my boyfriend when I was four, and that doesn't really count.

He drove me to the cutest hole-in-the-wall Italian restaurant, ordered us matching salads(he didn't order his with dressing, which is gross), and we sat and talked.

He was sending the vibes. I knew he was interested. He was playing it cool, but his eyes would sparkle when we'd make eye contact, and he'd start smiling ever so slightly when I would talk to him.

But I tried shutting him down. I told him about all of my ex-boyfriends in the recent years. It didn't phase him, he responded with stories of his own exes. I talked to him about all of the weird things that I did. He laughed and told me that he did them too, and then supplied stories.

As we got back into the car, I invited him to come over and make cookies.

And that was one of the best decisions of my life.

We made the cookies together, me trying to figure out how to share a kitchen, while he told me funny stories and I laughed.

He set up a movie on my laptop, and as I turned towards him from the kitchen, holding a plate of cookies, he asked me how to properly pronounce my last name. "It's pronounced 'Fack-rull'. Kinda like 'Fat Girl'." We both glanced at the mound of cookies in my arms. "I know what this looks like..." I said, staring at the cookies. He laughed. I loved his laugh.

Throughout the movie, we started moving closer to each other. After the movie, we watched a musical. He showed me a few youtube videos. We talked about our shared interest in How I Met Your Mother. I knew he wanted to kiss me, but he was too chicken to try it.

He later told me that he was afraid to mess it up.

He ended up staying until 5 am. We sat on my couch and laughed and joked and I probably almost peed myself at some point. He looked at me like no boy ever had, and I liked it. I never wanted him to stop.

His smile made that 4 1/2 hour distance worth it, every single time.

It was the best, and the last, first date.

Inspired by this LDR Blogs Prompt: Date Night