I have done a very bad job explaining this in the past, and many people have different opinions/views on this matter, with no fault to themselves. With that being said, I will continue.
I am sorta like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. No, I don't have an evil side. BUT I have two polar opposite sides. Many of you are probably nodding your head right now, because you see where I'm going. Sometimes, I am sweet and empathetic and serious and civilized. And then I'll be hyper and random and bouncing off the walls. And *I* feel that they are BOTH equally me.
Most people know me for the hyper individual, but a select few prefer my calm side.
One of the ways I've explained it in the past is that I was forced to come out of my shell and individualize myself when I was 12, and I went a little far, and now people expect me to be crazy. While this is TRUE, I have to just say, I *enjoy* being crazy. I enjoy walking around on my knees, chasing my siblings and singing to them in creepy voices.I enjoy eating obscene amounts of sugar and then drawing on my stomach. I enjoy pointing my magic wand out the window at people. If you can't handle that, then I'm sorry.
So, I guess this post is less to explain HOW I act, but more to explain WHY I act that way.
As aforementioned, I was forced to come out of my shell when I was 12. Up to that point, I was highly shy, and almost introverted. ALMOST. I had lots of friends, but I was socially awkward(still am heh heh), and I wasn't interesting. I was REALLY boring. And that's okay with me. Despite all of this, I had a best friend. We'll call her...Clarissa, cuz I don't know a single soul with that name, so no one will get offended. Clarissa and I were bestestestest friends. But things started getting weird. And by that, I mean that she made up excuses when I wanted to hang out and such. However, being ELEVEN, I didn't pick up any hints and I kept bugging her and treating her the same. One day, after blowing me off, then showing up on my street with another friend, then blowing me off again, I called her. And asked if she wanted to hang out the following day, since she'd been busy today(I still didn't catch on...). And she very bluntly said, "Aurora, I don't want to be friends with you anymore. Are you cool with that?" She didn't give me any reason. She didn't tell me WHY she suddenly hated me. I said "sure" and hung up. And then promptly called back to tell her very angrily that I was NOT cool with that, but if she didn't want to be my friend then I wouldn't be hers. And then I proceeded to rip up all of the mall photo booth pictures of us, stupid notes we'd written, and I bawled. And it killed me to relay all of this to my mother.
Now, I had other friends besides Clarissa. BUT they were all connected to her. And I realized about two days later that I was only friends with them because of my connection to Clarissa, and they no longer wanted anything to do with me.
Camp that year was living Hell, if you were wondering.
I spent a good year in a constant friendless state, constantly being bullied by these 3-4 girls I had considered my friends. This was before I realized I could be friends with my older sister. Eventually, I had to get out of my shell. It took a whole YEAR to do so. And then I finally did, and I met my best friend. Within 5 minutes, I knew that we were gonna be close for forever(forever ended last year...but that's not pertinent). But it was weird. It was like, all of the social deprivation I'd felt in the last year came to bite me in those 2 hours. I mean this in the way that I acted in a way that I'd NEVER acted before. I acted crazy. I was obnoxious. I was laughing over everything and being silly. And it steadily got worse. I was giddy from a friendship. That sounds weird, but it's how it was. This girl sorta saved my life. The year preceding our meeting, I had considered suicide multiple times. I don't want you all freaking out. Suicide is not a taboo word, though we all treat it like one. ANYWAY. I got steadily worse. But just around her. Most of you are thinking, "Oh, that's how everyone is with their best friend". Yes, that's true. But, it started leaking out into my EVERYDAY life. I would be at home and I would be acting random and my mom noticed. All the time. I morphed into this other being with a new personality. At this point, at around age 13-14, I was struggling to individualize myself. I look a lot like some of my sisters, and I didn't want to be associated with them. So, subconsciously, I spiraled out of random control. I act nothing like my sisters. My older sister is flirtatious and sweet and funny. My sister just younger than me is somewhat awkward in social situations(not her fault). I am as out there and random and strange as you can get(Fun fact: I've noticed my 13 year old sister trying to morph herself into who I am...).
At around age 15-16, I realized that there is a balance. So, I balanced myself. I learned to be serious and calm and sweet and empathetic. I can still be that random girl tho. I am both. I am Mictor Hyckyll(combine Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde, if you didn't get that..).
I can act like two entirely different people sometimes. Yes, this bugs me. I know that I feel obligated to act a certain way because of a reputation I have to be hilarious(let's face it...I am. ;)). And sometimes I struggle with this. Sometimes I hate myself for who I am. But, that's part of life. I don't regret any of the struggles that I've gone through, and I don't regret the way I act(for the most part) and I love myself. Not in a conceited way, but I don't hate myself.
So. I just felt like I needed to explain this, because of conversations I've had with some people over the summer and it's been bugging me.
Before I get on to my picture, I will just add...this is one of my bigger insecurities. So please, respect what I've said. I know I kinda blew it off in the last little bit, but it's still a big deal to me. It's really hard to explain what I mean, and if I say anything else concerning the matter I will confuse everyone in the US plus Canada.
Now. My day yesterday, after I posted. Well, I took the cinnamon challenge. Heh heh heh. I'll probably post a link to the youtube video tomorrow, since I have yet to upload it. And after that, I was so so so busy. I didn't go to bed til 12:30, and not because I wanted to stay up. I had a butt load of homework once I got home from work, and then I had to eat cuz I skipped dinner, and then I was on dishes. I am so exhausted. I came home from seminary today and took an hour long nap. And had weird dreams(I always have weird dreams). Speaking of which, this 14 year old boy in my ward keeps making random appearances in my dreams. Like, he'll be in it long enough for me to notice, and then disappear. And I made the mistake of telling the girl I drive to Seminary, because she felt the need to tell him. It will be so awkward to see him tonight...
Anyway. The story behind todays picture.
I wear pants on my head because I refuse to conform. That's basically the story.
You know that song that goes, "looking like a fool with yo pants on the ground"? Yeah, that doesn't apply to me. ;)
One last thing. I've decided to add an applicable song lyric to all of my photo of the day posts. So, it'll be a lyric that describes how I've felt that day/since the last time I posted. Make sense?
Applicable song lyric: "And it was enchanting to meet you. All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you."
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