"It's killing me to see you go, after all this time."
Life is one of those confusing things no one really understands, like a person that enjoys eating mayonnaise out of the jar. It just doesn't make sense.
Have you ever sat and just thought about how circumstantial everything is? Like, if you hadn't made ONE decision to go to a certain party, you never would've met your spouse. I think about this all the time. My life is full of circumstantial events that led me to the people that I love and the places that I am.
If my Young Women leaders hadn't advised me to go to the Recognition Dinner when I was 13, I wouldn't have met my best friend.
If my mom hadn't been SOOOO into TJEd when I was younger, I wouldn't have found Williamsburg Academy, and I wouldn't know ANY of these amazing people that I associate with.
If I hadn't been forced into going to YFF 2 years ago, I wouldn't have been led to meet so many people that have changed my life. In fact, I'm not even sure I would be alive. I also wouldn't have met my roommates.
If I hadn't been pressured into going to game night a few months ago, I wouldn't have met one of my best friends.
Outside forces. I didn't want to participate in any of those activities, but good things came from each and every one. I was put in uncomfortable situations that pushed me outside my comfort zone and I'm a better person for it, and I know amazing people that are such a blessing to me.
A bad day isn't a bad life. That's something I constantly have to remind myself. Just because I have days where I want to throw in the towel, doesn't mean that I have a bad life. In fact, I don't really have a right to be unhappy with my life. There are so many people with so much less than me. It doesn't really matter how unhappy I am, my life ain't half bad and I should be grateful for what I've got. I can whine and complain all I want. I can say "If I only lived in New Mexico still, I'd be happy" or "If I had my dog, I'd still be happy" or even "If I could just meet the person I'm supposed to marry, I'd be happy" and NONE of that would mean I could be happy. Was I happy in New Mexico? No. I had my dog earlier this year, and was I happy? No. I can either choose to be happy or not, no matter my circumstances.
That being sad, it's okay to have bad days. I think you're allowed to have a day when you sit in your bed in your pajamas, wallowing a little bit, and crying. It's okay to not always be happy. But then that day ends and you need to let that bad day be in the past. Still working on that last part.
Most of my posts don't make a lot of coherent sense, and that's probably because I let my mind wander as I write and I have a lot of conflicting opinions. I have flawed logic.
I guess my point is this. Everything is circumstantial. But what you choose to do with those circumstances is yours. You can have horrible circumstances but be incredibly happy, and vice versa. And that's where one of the biggest flaws of society is, in my opinion. A lot of people think that it's all circumstances. But it's not. You decide how you deal with those circumstances.
Have a good day, ya'll. Or have a bad day. It's up to you. Me? I'm gonna continue having a not-so-great day, and I'm gonna go get ice cream with my roommate.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Real talk
No matter how hard you try to convince someone of their worth, they won't believe it until they want to.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Return of the Awkward
Holla. I haven't done a Thursday post in a million years, so I made one for you.
The last one of these failed miserably. I apologize. From the very bottom of my apologetic organ.
Awkward:
This is one of those things that was so hilariously funny, and not at all awkward for me, but probably was for my wonderfully naive roommate.
Bonnie and I are at the gym last week, riding the little bike machines. The setting she had her bike was on was so that the difficulty level of the bike would change as she rode. So as we're biking, Bonnie loudly announces, "I'M EASY!" She was, of course, referring to the difficulty level on her bike. But I don't think any of the guys in the gym took it that way...
Another gym story. A few days ago, Bonnie and I are on the bike machines again. I had brought my iPod and so I'm jamming out to Macklemore and T-Swizzle (sorry, not sorry) and Bonnie, feeling left out, pulls her bike closer to mine, grabs the free earbud, and starts listening with me. It wasn't really awkward at all, but we got some hilariously wonderful looks.
Dang, it seems sorta like all I do is go to the gym. I swear, this is probably the last thing I'll mention about the gym. Probably. So, Bonnie and I had just finished our workout and we were in a room stretching. A man with huge biceps walks in, and the following conversation ensues:
Man: Are you guys doing the circuit workout?
Me: No.
Bonnie: We're just using this room cuz no one was in it.
Me: Are you doing the circuit workout?
Man: No. I just wanted to use this machine because it really isolates my biceps.
Bonnie: Oh hahahaha.
*silence for a few minutes as Bonnie and I continue stretching*
Man: Wow, you guys are so flexible.
Me: *silence*
Bonnie: Hahaha I used to be more flexible before I started running.
Man: Well you're way more flexible than I am.
Bonnie: I'd trade it for your arms!
Man: When I'm bored I hold my breath until I turn purple.
Okay, he didn't say that last bit. I just blocked him out and kept stretching. The very best part of this is that Bonnie didn't realize that he was hitting on us until later that night when about 50 people tried affirming that, yes, he was hitting on us.
I don't really know which section to put this in. It was incredibly funny, but it probably seems highly awkward to everyone that wasn't present. So it'll go in this section.
Last night I was at a friends house, and one of my friends sits down on the floor, cross legged, and informs us that he has a hole in the crotch of his pants. And then two of my other friends took turns throwing coins into the hole from the couch.
I was at said friends house a few nights ago. There was this guy, Conner, there. I was there for maybe 2 1/2 hours. Conner was there for the majority of that time. We got there at the same time.
Conner: It's nice to meet you, Aurora!
Me: I've met you before...
Conner: Not officially. I don't think we've ever spoken.
Me: I took pictures of you at the planetarium.
Conner: ....what?
Me: We've had this conversation before...like twice.
Conner: I don't remember this...
Me: You were at the planetarium with a bunch of girls and one other guy. And I took pictures for you guys at the moon.
Conner: ....no.
Me: Yeah. You handed me your phone and had me take pictures.
Conner: Crazy, I don't remember that.
I swear, this guy has short term memory loss. I left for about 20 minutes to make a phone call, and then came back inside. When Conner left, he stood up and shook hands with everyone, and then he got to me, and in all seriousness said, "Wait. Were you here the whole time? When did you get here?"
I guess I just have one of those faces, yo. Easily forgettable. ;)
I don't know whether to classify this as awkward or what...but one of my friends had a fire in their apartment complex last weekend. He called me 3 times within the course of 30 minutes to ask if he could come crash on my couch. And I woke up every time he called. But because he didn't call from his phone, I didn't answer. I had dreams for a few nights after that that people were calling me because they were in serious situations and needed help.
About 3 weeks ago, there was a really dumb dance for our ward. A friend of mine from Provo came to visit for the dance. Part way through the night he met a girl and spent a good bit of the rest of the evening with her. I left the dance a bit early and went to hang out with some friends. My roommates went out with friends after the dance and I ended up being home first. So I went to bed at a reasonable hour(okay, 2:30 isn't that reasonable). About an hour later I hear Bonnie come home. And she's conversing with a guy.
Bonnie: Shh, we don't want to wake up Aurora.
Guy: Is she awake?
Me: YES SHE'S AWAKE.
*lots of laughing*
Me: Shut the eff up, guys, I'm sleeping.
Guy: Hey Aurora.
Me: WHAT THE CRAP, BONNIE?!
*more laughing*
Me: Bonnie, this isn't funny. Who the crap is that?
*more laughing*
Me: Bonnie, what the actual poop. I never bring guys over this late.
*more laughing*
Guy: It's just Spencer.
Me: REALLY, BONNIE?!
Guy: And Daniel. And Austin.
Me: BONNIE WHAT THE POOP.
*more laughing*
Me: You brought 3 FRICKIN GUYS OVER AT THIS UNGODLY HOUR?!
Bonnie: No no it's only one guy.
At this point I got up and walked over there. It was my friend Daniel, from Provo, and he had a very valid excuse for being there. He had to crash on our couch cuz he was locked out of his car. And then I felt so so so bad for yelling at them. They both thought it was hilarious so that's good. The lesson we learn from this is to not wake Aurora up. Ever.
Awesome:
Today in class, as our teacher discussed when our paper was due (at midnight) he said something along the lines of "please don't do this right before midnight" and then said, "You don't write well under the influence of diet coke" and I thought it was really funny.
Monday was my friend Anela's birthday, yes? Guys she's 18 and an adult and everything is wonderful. The whole night was a huge adventure. See, I wanted to surprise her. I went to go visit her, but I didn't want to tell her that. So I told her that my friend was driving to Provo that night and that he would stop by Saratoga Springs to drop off a package. He was originally going to make the trip with me, but I ended up going alone. So. I'm driving to her house. Now, it's important to know that I am absolutely horrible with directions. So I was doing really really well and I was just a few miles from her house and I got lost. I missed the turnoff into her neighborhood and I kept going. After a while I caved and called her to ask for directions. But I didn't want her to know that it was me going. So, I prayed that she wouldn't hear the driving noises.
Me: Hey girl. So Austin is on his way to your house. And he's lost. He was supposed to turn at *street name* and now he's at *street name*. How far is he?
Anela: Okay. Uhm. Let me pull it up on my computer. Okay, if he's at *street name* then he went wayyy too far.
Me: I knew it. Gah, he's so dumb. Okay, where does he need to go? Should he turn back around?
Anela: He should turn back and then turn on *street name* and then *street name* and then my street,which is *street name*.
Me: Okay, I'm texting him as I'm talking to you, and he says he's at *street name*.
Anela: Do you have access to a computer?
Me: Nope. I uh, my computer is dead. And my roommate is using hers and won't let me use it.
Anela: *something snarky and funny that I don't 100% remember*
Me: Hahaha yeah. Okay. I'm gonna call Austin and tell him where to go and then I'll call you back after he drops the package off.
A few minutes later I got lost again and had to call her again and ask which house was hers. I finally get there and she opens the door and flips out. She must've been super tired to not have picked up on the fact that I was the one coming to visit her. But guys it was so so nice to get to see her and we had the best of conversations and it was just the best thing ever. Also, I'd like to apologize to Austin for continuously calling him dumb as I drove to Anela's house. That was probably the funniest part. Cuz seriously, I kept saying "Oh my goodness, he is so dumb. Why can't he find it? Seriously, he's gotta be so dumb." Sorry bro.
My mom sent me some stuff that I really super needed this week, so that was super awesome.
Speaking of my family, they came to visit me a few weeks ago. And besides it being the highlight of the month, I got free groceries. AND a rose. My dad came to my apartment at some point over the weekend that they were here. And there is a rose bush right outside my apartment. So he picked a rose off and brought it to my mom. And then when they went back home, he gave it to me. Which I think is really funny because it came from my own rose garden...BUT what's really awesome is that it still hasn't totally died. And it's been almost two weeks.
Brooke was able to come visit me about 3 weeks ago. Guys, it was so great to see her. I've missed her so so much.
My roommate, Bonnie, is a vegetarian. And she's out of town for the weekend. SO I get to eat all the meat I want to. Woohoo.
Everything else mildly funny or interesting that has happened to me in the past little while is even more boring than all this. So I'll be keeping all that to myself.
Even tho I get to eat bunches of meat this weekend, I'm still real sad that Bonnie isn't here. So here's a picture of Bonnie and I. Good luck to her with her marathon this weekend!!
The last one of these failed miserably. I apologize. From the very bottom of my apologetic organ.
Awkward:
This is one of those things that was so hilariously funny, and not at all awkward for me, but probably was for my wonderfully naive roommate.
Bonnie and I are at the gym last week, riding the little bike machines. The setting she had her bike was on was so that the difficulty level of the bike would change as she rode. So as we're biking, Bonnie loudly announces, "I'M EASY!" She was, of course, referring to the difficulty level on her bike. But I don't think any of the guys in the gym took it that way...
Another gym story. A few days ago, Bonnie and I are on the bike machines again. I had brought my iPod and so I'm jamming out to Macklemore and T-Swizzle (sorry, not sorry) and Bonnie, feeling left out, pulls her bike closer to mine, grabs the free earbud, and starts listening with me. It wasn't really awkward at all, but we got some hilariously wonderful looks.
Dang, it seems sorta like all I do is go to the gym. I swear, this is probably the last thing I'll mention about the gym. Probably. So, Bonnie and I had just finished our workout and we were in a room stretching. A man with huge biceps walks in, and the following conversation ensues:
Man: Are you guys doing the circuit workout?
Me: No.
Bonnie: We're just using this room cuz no one was in it.
Me: Are you doing the circuit workout?
Man: No. I just wanted to use this machine because it really isolates my biceps.
Bonnie: Oh hahahaha.
*silence for a few minutes as Bonnie and I continue stretching*
Man: Wow, you guys are so flexible.
Me: *silence*
Bonnie: Hahaha I used to be more flexible before I started running.
Man: Well you're way more flexible than I am.
Bonnie: I'd trade it for your arms!
Man: When I'm bored I hold my breath until I turn purple.
Okay, he didn't say that last bit. I just blocked him out and kept stretching. The very best part of this is that Bonnie didn't realize that he was hitting on us until later that night when about 50 people tried affirming that, yes, he was hitting on us.
I don't really know which section to put this in. It was incredibly funny, but it probably seems highly awkward to everyone that wasn't present. So it'll go in this section.
Last night I was at a friends house, and one of my friends sits down on the floor, cross legged, and informs us that he has a hole in the crotch of his pants. And then two of my other friends took turns throwing coins into the hole from the couch.
I was at said friends house a few nights ago. There was this guy, Conner, there. I was there for maybe 2 1/2 hours. Conner was there for the majority of that time. We got there at the same time.
Conner: It's nice to meet you, Aurora!
Me: I've met you before...
Conner: Not officially. I don't think we've ever spoken.
Me: I took pictures of you at the planetarium.
Conner: ....what?
Me: We've had this conversation before...like twice.
Conner: I don't remember this...
Me: You were at the planetarium with a bunch of girls and one other guy. And I took pictures for you guys at the moon.
Conner: ....no.
Me: Yeah. You handed me your phone and had me take pictures.
Conner: Crazy, I don't remember that.
I swear, this guy has short term memory loss. I left for about 20 minutes to make a phone call, and then came back inside. When Conner left, he stood up and shook hands with everyone, and then he got to me, and in all seriousness said, "Wait. Were you here the whole time? When did you get here?"
I guess I just have one of those faces, yo. Easily forgettable. ;)
I don't know whether to classify this as awkward or what...but one of my friends had a fire in their apartment complex last weekend. He called me 3 times within the course of 30 minutes to ask if he could come crash on my couch. And I woke up every time he called. But because he didn't call from his phone, I didn't answer. I had dreams for a few nights after that that people were calling me because they were in serious situations and needed help.
About 3 weeks ago, there was a really dumb dance for our ward. A friend of mine from Provo came to visit for the dance. Part way through the night he met a girl and spent a good bit of the rest of the evening with her. I left the dance a bit early and went to hang out with some friends. My roommates went out with friends after the dance and I ended up being home first. So I went to bed at a reasonable hour(okay, 2:30 isn't that reasonable). About an hour later I hear Bonnie come home. And she's conversing with a guy.
Bonnie: Shh, we don't want to wake up Aurora.
Guy: Is she awake?
Me: YES SHE'S AWAKE.
*lots of laughing*
Me: Shut the eff up, guys, I'm sleeping.
Guy: Hey Aurora.
Me: WHAT THE CRAP, BONNIE?!
*more laughing*
Me: Bonnie, this isn't funny. Who the crap is that?
*more laughing*
Me: Bonnie, what the actual poop. I never bring guys over this late.
*more laughing*
Guy: It's just Spencer.
Me: REALLY, BONNIE?!
Guy: And Daniel. And Austin.
Me: BONNIE WHAT THE POOP.
*more laughing*
Me: You brought 3 FRICKIN GUYS OVER AT THIS UNGODLY HOUR?!
Bonnie: No no it's only one guy.
At this point I got up and walked over there. It was my friend Daniel, from Provo, and he had a very valid excuse for being there. He had to crash on our couch cuz he was locked out of his car. And then I felt so so so bad for yelling at them. They both thought it was hilarious so that's good. The lesson we learn from this is to not wake Aurora up. Ever.
Awesome:
Today in class, as our teacher discussed when our paper was due (at midnight) he said something along the lines of "please don't do this right before midnight" and then said, "You don't write well under the influence of diet coke" and I thought it was really funny.
Monday was my friend Anela's birthday, yes? Guys she's 18 and an adult and everything is wonderful. The whole night was a huge adventure. See, I wanted to surprise her. I went to go visit her, but I didn't want to tell her that. So I told her that my friend was driving to Provo that night and that he would stop by Saratoga Springs to drop off a package. He was originally going to make the trip with me, but I ended up going alone. So. I'm driving to her house. Now, it's important to know that I am absolutely horrible with directions. So I was doing really really well and I was just a few miles from her house and I got lost. I missed the turnoff into her neighborhood and I kept going. After a while I caved and called her to ask for directions. But I didn't want her to know that it was me going. So, I prayed that she wouldn't hear the driving noises.
Me: Hey girl. So Austin is on his way to your house. And he's lost. He was supposed to turn at *street name* and now he's at *street name*. How far is he?
Anela: Okay. Uhm. Let me pull it up on my computer. Okay, if he's at *street name* then he went wayyy too far.
Me: I knew it. Gah, he's so dumb. Okay, where does he need to go? Should he turn back around?
Anela: He should turn back and then turn on *street name* and then *street name* and then my street,which is *street name*.
Me: Okay, I'm texting him as I'm talking to you, and he says he's at *street name*.
Anela: Do you have access to a computer?
Me: Nope. I uh, my computer is dead. And my roommate is using hers and won't let me use it.
Anela: *something snarky and funny that I don't 100% remember*
Me: Hahaha yeah. Okay. I'm gonna call Austin and tell him where to go and then I'll call you back after he drops the package off.
A few minutes later I got lost again and had to call her again and ask which house was hers. I finally get there and she opens the door and flips out. She must've been super tired to not have picked up on the fact that I was the one coming to visit her. But guys it was so so nice to get to see her and we had the best of conversations and it was just the best thing ever. Also, I'd like to apologize to Austin for continuously calling him dumb as I drove to Anela's house. That was probably the funniest part. Cuz seriously, I kept saying "Oh my goodness, he is so dumb. Why can't he find it? Seriously, he's gotta be so dumb." Sorry bro.
My mom sent me some stuff that I really super needed this week, so that was super awesome.
Speaking of my family, they came to visit me a few weeks ago. And besides it being the highlight of the month, I got free groceries. AND a rose. My dad came to my apartment at some point over the weekend that they were here. And there is a rose bush right outside my apartment. So he picked a rose off and brought it to my mom. And then when they went back home, he gave it to me. Which I think is really funny because it came from my own rose garden...BUT what's really awesome is that it still hasn't totally died. And it's been almost two weeks.
Brooke was able to come visit me about 3 weeks ago. Guys, it was so great to see her. I've missed her so so much.
My roommate, Bonnie, is a vegetarian. And she's out of town for the weekend. SO I get to eat all the meat I want to. Woohoo.
Everything else mildly funny or interesting that has happened to me in the past little while is even more boring than all this. So I'll be keeping all that to myself.
Even tho I get to eat bunches of meat this weekend, I'm still real sad that Bonnie isn't here. So here's a picture of Bonnie and I. Good luck to her with her marathon this weekend!!
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Let's lie away our feelings, yeah?
If I come up to you and tell you you're beautiful, it makes you feel good, yeah? And if I were to come up and say you were ugly, it would have the opposite effect, yeah?
I was having a conversation with a close friend last week and self-esteem came up. Before I moved to Utah I had a pretty convincing persona of being confident. And then I moved and that persona was shattered. Hey, I'm a teenage girl. Do you really expect me to be happy and confident all the time? If you do, you can please go give yourself a bath in the toilet.
This friend and I got pretty deep into self-esteem. And by this, I mean he got pretty deep into self-esteem and I listened, because I have a super hard time opening up to people and conversing about important things before I trust them a whole hecka lot. But I'm super good at listening, so it all works, ya know?
There is a huge difference between self-esteem and just esteem. I hate it when people say "this is your self-esteem boost for the day". Because the act of THEM giving me that boost is nice, but it's not self-esteem. That would imply that it's coming from myself. Which is what self-esteem is. Relying solely on other peoples' opinions for your self-esteem means that you don't have good self-esteem. Because no matter how much other people like you, if you don't like yourself, you're screwed. Sorry bro. That's life.
So this goes hand in hand with confidence. If you're confident in yourself, you've got self-esteem. No matter what anyone says to you you can still smile and know you're a good person.
Guys, I'm 18. I'm not as old as I'd like to be. I'm young and still a teenager. So, yeah, my self-esteem is not at a high point. And since moving, it's pretty dang low. BUT that's something I need to fix for myself. And that's not really a concept I'd really thought about too deeply. Being confident sucks, cuz it takes way less effort to just rely on other peoples opinions. That's a miserable option, but definitely easier. And hey, I'm sick of that.
My name is Aurora Eliza Fackrell. I'm insecure about the size of my hands and the sounds my stomach makes. I wish I was a few inches shorter, so I slouch a lot. I hate the way my legs look so much, I almost never allow people to see them. I swear sometimes. I'm an awkward individual and I'm not actually okay with it. I'm afraid to assert my opinion on others. I don't like to speak up. I let people walk all over me because I'm afraid of rejection. I play off my feelings like they're nothing, even when they're eating me up. And I ignore peoples' attempts to talk about my feelings/try to make me feel better, because I don't want to inconvenience them. My best friend for the whole of 2013 has been my dog. My name is Aurora Fackrell, and I have flaws. And I'm working towards being okay with these flaws. If you wanna judge me for these things, be my guest.
I was having a conversation with a close friend last week and self-esteem came up. Before I moved to Utah I had a pretty convincing persona of being confident. And then I moved and that persona was shattered. Hey, I'm a teenage girl. Do you really expect me to be happy and confident all the time? If you do, you can please go give yourself a bath in the toilet.
This friend and I got pretty deep into self-esteem. And by this, I mean he got pretty deep into self-esteem and I listened, because I have a super hard time opening up to people and conversing about important things before I trust them a whole hecka lot. But I'm super good at listening, so it all works, ya know?
There is a huge difference between self-esteem and just esteem. I hate it when people say "this is your self-esteem boost for the day". Because the act of THEM giving me that boost is nice, but it's not self-esteem. That would imply that it's coming from myself. Which is what self-esteem is. Relying solely on other peoples' opinions for your self-esteem means that you don't have good self-esteem. Because no matter how much other people like you, if you don't like yourself, you're screwed. Sorry bro. That's life.
So this goes hand in hand with confidence. If you're confident in yourself, you've got self-esteem. No matter what anyone says to you you can still smile and know you're a good person.
Guys, I'm 18. I'm not as old as I'd like to be. I'm young and still a teenager. So, yeah, my self-esteem is not at a high point. And since moving, it's pretty dang low. BUT that's something I need to fix for myself. And that's not really a concept I'd really thought about too deeply. Being confident sucks, cuz it takes way less effort to just rely on other peoples opinions. That's a miserable option, but definitely easier. And hey, I'm sick of that.
My name is Aurora Eliza Fackrell. I'm insecure about the size of my hands and the sounds my stomach makes. I wish I was a few inches shorter, so I slouch a lot. I hate the way my legs look so much, I almost never allow people to see them. I swear sometimes. I'm an awkward individual and I'm not actually okay with it. I'm afraid to assert my opinion on others. I don't like to speak up. I let people walk all over me because I'm afraid of rejection. I play off my feelings like they're nothing, even when they're eating me up. And I ignore peoples' attempts to talk about my feelings/try to make me feel better, because I don't want to inconvenience them. My best friend for the whole of 2013 has been my dog. My name is Aurora Fackrell, and I have flaws. And I'm working towards being okay with these flaws. If you wanna judge me for these things, be my guest.
 |
| Really missing my puppy right about now. |
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