Last winter was mild. Which I'm grateful for. I hate the winter. I type this as snow falls heavily outside my window, adding to the foot high snow already covering everything.
I don't hate winter because of the snow. I hate it because it's hard to travel, and it makes being outside uncomfortable. It's so so beautiful. But it makes my anxiety go through the roof.
But I digress. I was talking about last year.
Seth and I started dating last September. And as our relationship blossomed and continued, we entered the winter months. Being long distance, I was worried. We were both worried. Driving to see each other might not be an option anymore. So, we prayed and hoped a lot. Hoping that the roads would stay clear, that the snow and bad weather would be minimal.
And it was. We were really blessed with a mild winter. Looking back, I'm honestly amazed.
The first time it really snowed, was right after Christmas. I was in St. George, visiting him. We drove back to Orem in the snow(which was miserable), because I was moving a few days later. My car broke down, everything was falling apart, but we made it to my new apartment with all of my stuff safely. Even though it was now snowing, AND my car was broken down. We were essentially stranded.
But we made the best of it. We built a fort in my living room, and cuddled day in and day out. We had plans to go out for NYE, but our situation made it impossible. He knew that I'd bought a dress, so he told me to still get all dolled up, he had a plan. We walked down the snowy street to the grocery store(we later found out that there was one closer). Then, while I showered and got ready, he made dinner.
I walked out in my dress, and his face lit up. It was similar to his face when he saw me on our wedding day(but not quite as great). He kissed me, telling me how beautiful I was, and wow, he couldn't believe it. We ate chicken enchiladas on the kitchen floor, and then danced until midnight in our socks.
And it was the perfect holiday.
This year will be so different. Making snow angels in the foot of snow while our dog runs around, jumping up at the falling flakes. Sledding(it's a must), and all of the cute, instagram worthy pictures(can you tell we're millenials?). I hate ice skating, but for him, I'd go.
And I want to take him to the Midway ice castles. They are breathtakingly beautiful. And they are so close to my grandmas house, we can stop by there afterwards for nachos and hot cocoa. Plus, it'll be a good excuse to visit the place we got married.
And of course, the temple square lights. We went last year, on the way home from visiting my family for Thanksgiving, and we went last night, with my family. But I don't anticipate it being our last visit there.
And Christmas. Man, am I excited for Christmas with Seth. We're going to visit my family for Christmas(we can't pass up Christmas bingo with my siblings). But when we get back, we both have a day off, and we're going to spend that day having Christmas, just us and the dog.
I hate winter for so many reasons. But I'll find a million reasons to love it this season, because I love the people I get to spend it with.
Inspired by this LDR Blogs Writing prompt: Winterwishes
Monday, December 14, 2015
Monday, November 23, 2015
Stop asking me how I lost weight
Like basically every female out there, I can testify that the "Freshman Fifteen" is very real.
When I moved away from home, I weighed 124 pounds. I was generally pretty fit, working out multiple times a week, eating pretty healthy.
Within the first semester in college, I had blown up, considering how small I had been before. My mother kept telling me that it was me just "filling out". My boyfriend(now ex :) ) made comments on how I was "getting chubby".
That summer, I went to Paris. And I definitely let myself indulge in all the croissants I could get my hands on.
When I came back from Paris, I weighed about 170 pounds.
That's a lot of weight to gain in a very short amount of time. I don't want to hear any "You're tall, it's okay", "You still looked good!" "That's still small" "Your mom is right, you were just filling out.".
Any or all of those could be accurate. But the means that that weight was gained was unhealthy, and the rate at which it was gained was also not healthy.
When I got back from Paris, I started dating Seth. And by the time we got married, I'd managed to lose basically all of that weight, now fluctuating between 125 and 130 pounds.
A lot of people, specifically people that met me around August-November of last year, have made comments about my weight. And I've dodged that same question, so many times. "How did you lose all that weight?!" They say it like it's so amazing, that someone can lose weight.
First of all, if you want to lose weight, there are healthy ways to do so. You eat right, and you exercise. There are no shortcuts.
However, I didn't take that healthy route.
For about three years, I've struggled with an eating disorder. I've talked about this before, and the reasons behind it isn't something that I really want to get into at the moment. When it started getting really bad was roughly two months into my freshman year in college, two years ago. I wasn't used to my body acting this way when I ate food, and so I fought back, in the most unhealthy way possible. I stopped eating. I would not eat for days, and then binge. So, obviously, I didn't lose weight. In fact, I gained weight.
That continued for about a year.
When I came home from France, I started to feel really sick. I lost my appetite, I found almost no desire to eat. And about a month after that started, I started throwing up. I wasn't physically able to keep anything down.
Because my body was so sick, and rejecting any sort of food, I slowly started to lose weight. I got sick enough that a year ago, over Thanksgiving break, my mother and I dragged my poor boyfriend along with me to 7 different doctors appointments over the course of just 2 days. Acupuncturists, blood work, my primary doctor, MRIs, the works. It was kind of a stressful few days.
And the stupidest part, is that I did it to myself. I literally did it to myself. Shortly after this "hell week", I was diagnosed with Panic disorder. My anxiety levels had reached such a high point that it was causing me to be physically ill.
Once I learned to manage my body and emotions better, a lot of the sickness went away. It was now just an occasional sickness. And I had dealt with it long enough that I was, for the most part, able to handle it and appear to be functioning at a normal level.
Because I was able to eat, again, I started gaining weight again. Which is absolutely natural.
So what did I do?
I stopped eating. And I started throwing up.
Seth was gone from January-March earlier this year.
The first thing he said when he saw me again?
"Wow, you're tiny."
I'd starved myself to reach this sickly ideal. Literally, sickly.
It's something I deal with, I'm learning to cope with.
I've received, and continue to receive, help. I've gained some weight since I got married, and most of me is okay with that fact. I'm being healthy.
I'm not writing this to have people more worried about me.
I'm writing this to say that being skinny isn't, and shouldn't, be a desirable goal. I may be skinny, but that doesn't mean that I'm healthy.
For some people, it is.
I just want people to stop looking at me in awe, "wow, tell me your secrets!" The secret is to hate yourself and your body and push yourself past the limits.
So don't follow in my footsteps. I'm not a good role model.
Stop asking me how I lost weight. Stop asking me how I manage to be so skinny.
When I moved away from home, I weighed 124 pounds. I was generally pretty fit, working out multiple times a week, eating pretty healthy.
Within the first semester in college, I had blown up, considering how small I had been before. My mother kept telling me that it was me just "filling out". My boyfriend(now ex :) ) made comments on how I was "getting chubby".
That summer, I went to Paris. And I definitely let myself indulge in all the croissants I could get my hands on.
When I came back from Paris, I weighed about 170 pounds.
That's a lot of weight to gain in a very short amount of time. I don't want to hear any "You're tall, it's okay", "You still looked good!" "That's still small" "Your mom is right, you were just filling out.".
Any or all of those could be accurate. But the means that that weight was gained was unhealthy, and the rate at which it was gained was also not healthy.
When I got back from Paris, I started dating Seth. And by the time we got married, I'd managed to lose basically all of that weight, now fluctuating between 125 and 130 pounds.
A lot of people, specifically people that met me around August-November of last year, have made comments about my weight. And I've dodged that same question, so many times. "How did you lose all that weight?!" They say it like it's so amazing, that someone can lose weight.
First of all, if you want to lose weight, there are healthy ways to do so. You eat right, and you exercise. There are no shortcuts.
However, I didn't take that healthy route.
For about three years, I've struggled with an eating disorder. I've talked about this before, and the reasons behind it isn't something that I really want to get into at the moment. When it started getting really bad was roughly two months into my freshman year in college, two years ago. I wasn't used to my body acting this way when I ate food, and so I fought back, in the most unhealthy way possible. I stopped eating. I would not eat for days, and then binge. So, obviously, I didn't lose weight. In fact, I gained weight.
That continued for about a year.
When I came home from France, I started to feel really sick. I lost my appetite, I found almost no desire to eat. And about a month after that started, I started throwing up. I wasn't physically able to keep anything down.
Because my body was so sick, and rejecting any sort of food, I slowly started to lose weight. I got sick enough that a year ago, over Thanksgiving break, my mother and I dragged my poor boyfriend along with me to 7 different doctors appointments over the course of just 2 days. Acupuncturists, blood work, my primary doctor, MRIs, the works. It was kind of a stressful few days.
And the stupidest part, is that I did it to myself. I literally did it to myself. Shortly after this "hell week", I was diagnosed with Panic disorder. My anxiety levels had reached such a high point that it was causing me to be physically ill.
Once I learned to manage my body and emotions better, a lot of the sickness went away. It was now just an occasional sickness. And I had dealt with it long enough that I was, for the most part, able to handle it and appear to be functioning at a normal level.
Because I was able to eat, again, I started gaining weight again. Which is absolutely natural.
So what did I do?
I stopped eating. And I started throwing up.
Seth was gone from January-March earlier this year.
The first thing he said when he saw me again?
"Wow, you're tiny."
I'd starved myself to reach this sickly ideal. Literally, sickly.
It's something I deal with, I'm learning to cope with.
I've received, and continue to receive, help. I've gained some weight since I got married, and most of me is okay with that fact. I'm being healthy.
I'm not writing this to have people more worried about me.
I'm writing this to say that being skinny isn't, and shouldn't, be a desirable goal. I may be skinny, but that doesn't mean that I'm healthy.
For some people, it is.
I just want people to stop looking at me in awe, "wow, tell me your secrets!" The secret is to hate yourself and your body and push yourself past the limits.
So don't follow in my footsteps. I'm not a good role model.
Stop asking me how I lost weight. Stop asking me how I manage to be so skinny.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Sunrises and amazing views
It was dark as we drove up to the La Verkin overlook on Saturday morning. Our headlights cut through the dark in front of us, startling a couple making out. Within a few minutes of us being there, they had driven off, annoyed that we'd interrupted them. Sorry, not sorry.
We climbed out of the car, wrapped in a blanket, only to be pushed back into the car by the wind. My mood wasn't deflated, and we simply wrapped ourselves up in the back seat instead, waiting, as the sky gradually got lighter.
We talked and laughed and cuddled, his cold toes pressed against my legs. We both wore our fuzziest pajamas, his blue with stars, mine black with polka dots.
I didn't want to forget a single moment.
As the sun rose over the horizon, and the sky exploded into hues of pink and orange, Seth looked down at me and smiled. "So..." he started, diverting my attention from the marvelous sky to the marvelous guy I'd been dating for the past month. "We've had a lot of fun in the last month. I really enjoy spending time with you. And I think I'd like to only date you...and we don't have to put a label on it, we don't have to call it anything, if you don't want to. But I want to know that you're only with me." He looked down at me tentatively, not sure how I'd respond. A smile slowly spread across my face as I responded, "Does this mean I get to call you my boyfriend?" He laughed and kissed me, in response.
"Yes, you can call me your boyfriend."
My teeth touched his lips as he kissed me, my smile too big for me to kiss him back properly.
That was a year ago, October 11, 2014. We'd spent the previous month testing the waters, seeing if we wanted to make this a real thing. I remember getting jealous every time he mentioned another girl, whenever he hung out with another girl, and I know that he reciprocated those feelings towards me and other young men.
We drove down that hill later, as the sun shone, warming everything up, and I held his hand, an impossibly large smile on my face. Ha. He was mine.
That was a year ago. Exactly a year ago. Today, it's October 11, 2015. This morning we woke up and drove to the Sandy Amphitheater park, overlooking the city we live in, as we watched the sunrise. Coincidentally, this is the same place that he proposed to me.
I reflect over the last year I've had with this man, a year of adventures, a year of love,, and a year of many "yes"s.
Yes, I'll go on a date with you.
Yes, I'll be your girlfriend.
Yes, I'll wait for you on your mission.
Yes, I still want to date you.
Yes, I'll marry you.
Yes, I do.
I am so in love with this man, this man that is mine.
Our future is full of other yes's, other sunrises, other adventures.
I couldn't be more grateful for the experiences we've had, and I'm excited for all the experiences in our future.
We climbed out of the car, wrapped in a blanket, only to be pushed back into the car by the wind. My mood wasn't deflated, and we simply wrapped ourselves up in the back seat instead, waiting, as the sky gradually got lighter.
We talked and laughed and cuddled, his cold toes pressed against my legs. We both wore our fuzziest pajamas, his blue with stars, mine black with polka dots.
I didn't want to forget a single moment.
As the sun rose over the horizon, and the sky exploded into hues of pink and orange, Seth looked down at me and smiled. "So..." he started, diverting my attention from the marvelous sky to the marvelous guy I'd been dating for the past month. "We've had a lot of fun in the last month. I really enjoy spending time with you. And I think I'd like to only date you...and we don't have to put a label on it, we don't have to call it anything, if you don't want to. But I want to know that you're only with me." He looked down at me tentatively, not sure how I'd respond. A smile slowly spread across my face as I responded, "Does this mean I get to call you my boyfriend?" He laughed and kissed me, in response.
"Yes, you can call me your boyfriend."
My teeth touched his lips as he kissed me, my smile too big for me to kiss him back properly.
That was a year ago, October 11, 2014. We'd spent the previous month testing the waters, seeing if we wanted to make this a real thing. I remember getting jealous every time he mentioned another girl, whenever he hung out with another girl, and I know that he reciprocated those feelings towards me and other young men.
We drove down that hill later, as the sun shone, warming everything up, and I held his hand, an impossibly large smile on my face. Ha. He was mine.
That was a year ago. Exactly a year ago. Today, it's October 11, 2015. This morning we woke up and drove to the Sandy Amphitheater park, overlooking the city we live in, as we watched the sunrise. Coincidentally, this is the same place that he proposed to me.
I reflect over the last year I've had with this man, a year of adventures, a year of love,, and a year of many "yes"s.
Yes, I'll go on a date with you.
Yes, I'll be your girlfriend.
Yes, I'll wait for you on your mission.
Yes, I still want to date you.
Yes, I'll marry you.
Yes, I do.
I am so in love with this man, this man that is mine.
Our future is full of other yes's, other sunrises, other adventures.
I couldn't be more grateful for the experiences we've had, and I'm excited for all the experiences in our future.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
When I Find Myself at a Loss of Words...
I often find myself looking at my husband, and I have a loss of words. I, someone who prides herself on being very good with words, can't think of a single word to describe how I feel.
There have been times that I've tried to explain to him these thoughts, these word-less thoughts. But I'm met with somewhat blank stares as the words struggle to leave my tongue.
I so badly want to be able to express the way I feel.
There had been so many times while I was a teenager, that I was ready to give up. There were times that I did give up. There were times that I thought my life was over, and that was how I intended it to be. I had my heart broken, by friends, situations, boys. I felt lonely. I felt the weight of so many things a young 13 year old girl shouldn't have to deal with. Or a 16 year old girl. Or an 18 year old girl.
And he makes all of that worth it.
I've always understood that we experience everything for a reason. Everything is put in our path to help us learn lessons. I've had nights where I sobbed in my bed, paced my kitchen screaming my feelings, and drowned my feelings in a bath, as I wished that I'd never had to learn these lessons. Getting mad at God for teaching me lessons is such painful ways. I knew I was supposed to learn these things. But I didn't want to learn them.
But as these experiences are in my past, and as I look at my husband sitting next to me as we eat breakfast on a Sunday morning, I'm grateful that I learned these lessons. And I'm grateful that he learned painful lessons as well. Because they shaped us into the people that we are now, and they prepared us to be with each other.
Getting to roll over every morning and feel his arms pull me closer to him, it makes me glad I never gave up.
At work about a month ago or so, a handful of my coworkers got into a conversation about "settlers and reachers" in a relationship. By their theory, in every relationship there is one individual that settles, and one that has to reach to meet the other. I mentioned it to Seth and we kinda laughed about it. The thing is, we each feel like we're the reacher. I look at Seth, and I think he is so handsome. I think he is a beautiful person, inside and out. I see the most tender and sweet man I've ever met. I've never had someone treat me as well as he does. And I ask myself daily how I got to be so lucky to get to have him as my eternal companion. But I know that Seth feels the same. Which makes me feel even more loved, even more valuable.
I've been having horrible nightmares over the past few months, waking me up with panic attacks and a cold sweat. Seth is always so patient with them, always waking up and coming to my side to comfort me. Just a few nights ago, I was dreading going to sleep because of a particularly bad nightmare I'd had a few nights before. So he held me in bed, and sang to me until I fell asleep. I felt so blessed to have someone who cared so much about me.
I can't imagine that I'm an easy person to be married to. I love cooking but hate doing dishes, folding laundry is the bane of my existence, and I never replace the roll of toilet paper. I have anxiety and depression, and Seth leaves me every morning worried that I'll be safe throughout that day. Not just "I hope the roads are safe on her way to work", but he worries about my mental and emotional state, because what isn't keeping me safe is myself. He worries about me every single time I'm not with him. Because he wants to protect me and he wants me to be safe. But he knows that I'm a big girl and I can keep myself safe. It doesn't stop him from worrying, though.
Seth accepts every single issue I bring forth, and doesn't even blink an eye. He loves me, and all of my injuries, issues, and insecurities, and he does it all unconditionally.
I look over at my husband every morning as he's still sleeping, and my eyes look over his cheekbones, crooked nose, and messy hair, and I love every inch of it. I think he's breathtaking in those soft moments.
I looked over at him while we sat in a theater a few months back, and watched his face as he took in the music and dancing in front of us. I watched his reaction, witnessed the love that he had for the art, the desire within him, and felt his hand on mine. And I swear I'd never seen a more attractive being.
I looked at him on May 15th as I held his hands and felt tears come to my eyes, as we promised ourselves to each other. I looked at him and felt my whole body fill with so much love that I thought I wouldn't be able to stand. I thought I could never feel so much of an emotion as I did on that day.
But I prove myself wrong every day. Every day when I look at his beautiful face, my heart leaps forward, propelling me to him. I lose my breath as I am reminded of how much I love him.
I am finding myself, again, at a loss of words to try to describe the way he makes me feel. I guess this is what love is supposed to feel like. I can very confidently say that I never felt this kind of love before I met this man I am lucky enough to call my husband. I laugh when I remember the boys I once thought I "loved".
I don't think I'll ever be able to articulate my thoughts coherently enough to explain how in love I am with Seth. But for now, it is enough to just know he feels the same way.
There have been times that I've tried to explain to him these thoughts, these word-less thoughts. But I'm met with somewhat blank stares as the words struggle to leave my tongue.
I so badly want to be able to express the way I feel.
There had been so many times while I was a teenager, that I was ready to give up. There were times that I did give up. There were times that I thought my life was over, and that was how I intended it to be. I had my heart broken, by friends, situations, boys. I felt lonely. I felt the weight of so many things a young 13 year old girl shouldn't have to deal with. Or a 16 year old girl. Or an 18 year old girl.
And he makes all of that worth it.
I've always understood that we experience everything for a reason. Everything is put in our path to help us learn lessons. I've had nights where I sobbed in my bed, paced my kitchen screaming my feelings, and drowned my feelings in a bath, as I wished that I'd never had to learn these lessons. Getting mad at God for teaching me lessons is such painful ways. I knew I was supposed to learn these things. But I didn't want to learn them.
But as these experiences are in my past, and as I look at my husband sitting next to me as we eat breakfast on a Sunday morning, I'm grateful that I learned these lessons. And I'm grateful that he learned painful lessons as well. Because they shaped us into the people that we are now, and they prepared us to be with each other.
Getting to roll over every morning and feel his arms pull me closer to him, it makes me glad I never gave up.
At work about a month ago or so, a handful of my coworkers got into a conversation about "settlers and reachers" in a relationship. By their theory, in every relationship there is one individual that settles, and one that has to reach to meet the other. I mentioned it to Seth and we kinda laughed about it. The thing is, we each feel like we're the reacher. I look at Seth, and I think he is so handsome. I think he is a beautiful person, inside and out. I see the most tender and sweet man I've ever met. I've never had someone treat me as well as he does. And I ask myself daily how I got to be so lucky to get to have him as my eternal companion. But I know that Seth feels the same. Which makes me feel even more loved, even more valuable.
I've been having horrible nightmares over the past few months, waking me up with panic attacks and a cold sweat. Seth is always so patient with them, always waking up and coming to my side to comfort me. Just a few nights ago, I was dreading going to sleep because of a particularly bad nightmare I'd had a few nights before. So he held me in bed, and sang to me until I fell asleep. I felt so blessed to have someone who cared so much about me.
I can't imagine that I'm an easy person to be married to. I love cooking but hate doing dishes, folding laundry is the bane of my existence, and I never replace the roll of toilet paper. I have anxiety and depression, and Seth leaves me every morning worried that I'll be safe throughout that day. Not just "I hope the roads are safe on her way to work", but he worries about my mental and emotional state, because what isn't keeping me safe is myself. He worries about me every single time I'm not with him. Because he wants to protect me and he wants me to be safe. But he knows that I'm a big girl and I can keep myself safe. It doesn't stop him from worrying, though.
Seth accepts every single issue I bring forth, and doesn't even blink an eye. He loves me, and all of my injuries, issues, and insecurities, and he does it all unconditionally.
I look over at my husband every morning as he's still sleeping, and my eyes look over his cheekbones, crooked nose, and messy hair, and I love every inch of it. I think he's breathtaking in those soft moments.
I looked over at him while we sat in a theater a few months back, and watched his face as he took in the music and dancing in front of us. I watched his reaction, witnessed the love that he had for the art, the desire within him, and felt his hand on mine. And I swear I'd never seen a more attractive being.
I looked at him on May 15th as I held his hands and felt tears come to my eyes, as we promised ourselves to each other. I looked at him and felt my whole body fill with so much love that I thought I wouldn't be able to stand. I thought I could never feel so much of an emotion as I did on that day.
But I prove myself wrong every day. Every day when I look at his beautiful face, my heart leaps forward, propelling me to him. I lose my breath as I am reminded of how much I love him.
I am finding myself, again, at a loss of words to try to describe the way he makes me feel. I guess this is what love is supposed to feel like. I can very confidently say that I never felt this kind of love before I met this man I am lucky enough to call my husband. I laugh when I remember the boys I once thought I "loved".
I don't think I'll ever be able to articulate my thoughts coherently enough to explain how in love I am with Seth. But for now, it is enough to just know he feels the same way.
Friday, October 2, 2015
McCausland Family Update
First of all, Seth and I are alive and well.
So many things have happened over the last few months that we've been married.
We got a dog. He is the sweetest dog, and a wonderful addition to our little family. I'm grateful for him everyday. He keeps us company when only one of us is home, he keeps us safe(we live in a pretty ghetto neighboorhood...), and he loves us so much that it makes us feel like a family. He's a rescue, and he's about 8 years old. So, he's a grumpy old man, but we still adore him.
Seth and I both got new jobs. Or rather, I got a new job, and Seth got a promotion. We both enjoy where we work, and we're happy.
We got bed bugs. This was one of the most stressful experiences of my life. We'd been getting bitten since we first moved into the apartment earlier in the summer. But, we had a huge spider problem in the apartment, and we assumed it was that. Once the spiders went away, and we were still getting bitten, we started exploring all the other options. We didn't even consider it being bed bugs, until one day we went to go wash our sheets, and the bed bugs had gotten bad enough that we could see them. I'll spare you the details, just know it was disgusting. I was also sick that day, so we had to spend that day switching back and forth from me throwing up, and us hauling the infested mattress out to the dump. It was kinda a miserable week. Thank heavens, we are now bed bug free. We are able to sleep through the night without waking up to itch the myriad of bites covering our bodies. So, we're happy.
I went back to school. It's just been part time(nothing like the 17 credits I was taking last year). It's been a struggle, trying to juggle part time school with a full time job, but now that the semester is almost half over, haha, I'm getting the hang of it. I changed my major to English/Writing with a minor in French. I am loving it.
I started writing more. I know I haven't been writing HERE very much, but I really have been writing. I started writing for LDR Blogs, which is a website based on Long Distance Relationships. Because my LDR has ended(since Seth and I are now married), I don't write here a ton. However, I also got hired on at Unwritten, where I write about 2 articles a week. It has been such a wonderful creative outlet, and it's wonderful knowing that I'm a published author. And it's been a wonderful starting point. I just recently got offered to write basically the same type of articles, but to get paid for it(!!!) at a similar website. So, I'm just beginning to dip my toes into that. We'll see how well it works out. I'm excited for this new adventure, though.
I lost weight, and Seth gained weight. Since Seth and I started dating(which is when I stopped blogging so much) I was about 40 pounds heavier than I am now. So, I lost quite a bit of weight. Most of it was before we got married. I am very pleased, though, that instead of gaining marriage weight, I've lost about 5 pounds since we got married. And Seth has been putting on some weight(I've been trying to feed him more caloricly dense food) and he's pretty pleased with that.
There have been other milestones and things that we've accomplished since getting married, that don't really seem like things that we'd share with he public. But Seth has gotten cast in Forever Plaid at a theater in Magna, I've gotten a better handle on my anxiety(which has been huge for me), and we have grown together SO much.
We are so happy, and I am so blessed every single day for the wonderful man I get to call my husband.
We are so blessed. I am so happy to have a wonderful partner who I have the opportunity to spend forever with.
We love you all!!
 |
| Look how happy and married we are!! |
So many things have happened over the last few months that we've been married.
We got a dog. He is the sweetest dog, and a wonderful addition to our little family. I'm grateful for him everyday. He keeps us company when only one of us is home, he keeps us safe(we live in a pretty ghetto neighboorhood...), and he loves us so much that it makes us feel like a family. He's a rescue, and he's about 8 years old. So, he's a grumpy old man, but we still adore him.
 |
| This picture is SUPPOSED to make you scared of our dog. |
Seth and I both got new jobs. Or rather, I got a new job, and Seth got a promotion. We both enjoy where we work, and we're happy.
 |
| I'm sorry.. |
We got bed bugs. This was one of the most stressful experiences of my life. We'd been getting bitten since we first moved into the apartment earlier in the summer. But, we had a huge spider problem in the apartment, and we assumed it was that. Once the spiders went away, and we were still getting bitten, we started exploring all the other options. We didn't even consider it being bed bugs, until one day we went to go wash our sheets, and the bed bugs had gotten bad enough that we could see them. I'll spare you the details, just know it was disgusting. I was also sick that day, so we had to spend that day switching back and forth from me throwing up, and us hauling the infested mattress out to the dump. It was kinda a miserable week. Thank heavens, we are now bed bug free. We are able to sleep through the night without waking up to itch the myriad of bites covering our bodies. So, we're happy.
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| This is our "we're exhausted because of bed bugs" face. |
I went back to school. It's just been part time(nothing like the 17 credits I was taking last year). It's been a struggle, trying to juggle part time school with a full time job, but now that the semester is almost half over, haha, I'm getting the hang of it. I changed my major to English/Writing with a minor in French. I am loving it.
I started writing more. I know I haven't been writing HERE very much, but I really have been writing. I started writing for LDR Blogs, which is a website based on Long Distance Relationships. Because my LDR has ended(since Seth and I are now married), I don't write here a ton. However, I also got hired on at Unwritten, where I write about 2 articles a week. It has been such a wonderful creative outlet, and it's wonderful knowing that I'm a published author. And it's been a wonderful starting point. I just recently got offered to write basically the same type of articles, but to get paid for it(!!!) at a similar website. So, I'm just beginning to dip my toes into that. We'll see how well it works out. I'm excited for this new adventure, though.
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| This is how smart I look when I'm writing stuff. |
I lost weight, and Seth gained weight. Since Seth and I started dating(which is when I stopped blogging so much) I was about 40 pounds heavier than I am now. So, I lost quite a bit of weight. Most of it was before we got married. I am very pleased, though, that instead of gaining marriage weight, I've lost about 5 pounds since we got married. And Seth has been putting on some weight(I've been trying to feed him more caloricly dense food) and he's pretty pleased with that.
There have been other milestones and things that we've accomplished since getting married, that don't really seem like things that we'd share with he public. But Seth has gotten cast in Forever Plaid at a theater in Magna, I've gotten a better handle on my anxiety(which has been huge for me), and we have grown together SO much.
We are so happy, and I am so blessed every single day for the wonderful man I get to call my husband.
We are so blessed. I am so happy to have a wonderful partner who I have the opportunity to spend forever with.
We love you all!!
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
I Would Walk 500 Miles...
When you start dating someone, two separate worlds are being combined, forced to mesh in places, while other aspects join together flawlessly.
Every relationship is different, and there are different "deal breakers" in every couples view.
Being Long Distance, a lot of those things don't come out until you get the opportunity to spend more time with someone in person, which sometimes means that you've been dating for a significant amount of time already.
By the time Seth realized that I had a problem, we'd already been dating for a few months, he was head over heels for me, and he was way too invested in our relationship for him to end it.
I have a horrible taste in music.
Well, at least, according to HIM.
I think my taste in music is fine.
Seth likes Indie/Hipster/very obscure music.
Which I also enjoy, don't get me wrong.
But I am definitely a "I know every Taylor Swift song ever by heart" kind of girl. Pop music is my love. More often than not, Seth ends up rolling his eyes and listening to my music somewhat begrudgingly.
Seth may disagree on these songs, but these are ten songs that I feel like perfectly describe Seth's and my relationship.
Lucky (Jason Mraz)
Little Things (One Direction)
I'm Gonna Be(500 Miles) (Sleeping At Last)
Perfect For Me (Ron Pope)
The Girl (City and Colour)
Can't Stop Thinking About You (Steve Moakler)
Come to Me (Goo Goo Dolls)
The Quiz (Hello Saferide)
Kiss You (One Direction)
Trumpets (Jason Derulo)
Inspired by this ldr blog prompt: Top Ten.
Every relationship is different, and there are different "deal breakers" in every couples view.
Being Long Distance, a lot of those things don't come out until you get the opportunity to spend more time with someone in person, which sometimes means that you've been dating for a significant amount of time already.
By the time Seth realized that I had a problem, we'd already been dating for a few months, he was head over heels for me, and he was way too invested in our relationship for him to end it.
I have a horrible taste in music.
Well, at least, according to HIM.
I think my taste in music is fine.
Seth likes Indie/Hipster/very obscure music.
Which I also enjoy, don't get me wrong.
But I am definitely a "I know every Taylor Swift song ever by heart" kind of girl. Pop music is my love. More often than not, Seth ends up rolling his eyes and listening to my music somewhat begrudgingly.
Seth may disagree on these songs, but these are ten songs that I feel like perfectly describe Seth's and my relationship.
Lucky (Jason Mraz)
Little Things (One Direction)
I'm Gonna Be(500 Miles) (Sleeping At Last)
Perfect For Me (Ron Pope)
The Girl (City and Colour)
Can't Stop Thinking About You (Steve Moakler)
Come to Me (Goo Goo Dolls)
The Quiz (Hello Saferide)
Kiss You (One Direction)
Trumpets (Jason Derulo)
Inspired by this ldr blog prompt: Top Ten.
Monday, July 20, 2015
A smile, and the best surprise
Last winter was surprisingly mild, but you wouldn't hear me complaining. The one time we got hit with snow was at the end of December/beginning of January, and we didn't see it again. I was grateful for the warmth during the summer. I was also grateful for the clear roads.
Last December, it had been a few weeks longer seeing Seth than I was used to. The longest we usually went without each other was two weeks(we were spoiled, as long as long distance relationships were concerned). I had been searching for a car, and the plan was to drive down to visit him the week before I went home for Christmas. It had been almost a month since I'd last seen him, and I was sorely disappointed that my car search had turned up nothing. The weekend was quickly approaching, and I sadly had to tell Seth that it would be an additional two weeks before we got to see each other.
I was very blessed that semester to have one of the best, and sweetest, roommates I've ever had. While crying and telling her how sad I was that I couldn't go and see him, she offered to drive me down that weekend.
But we didn't tell Seth.
The plan was to leave Saturday evening, after Torie got off work. At about 9 am, that Saturday, Torie woke me up with a smile, telling me that someone had agreed to cover her shift, and we could leave immediately. I have never jumped out of bed faster. I was packed, showered, and ready to go within an hour. We stopped off and fueled both us and her car, and began our 4.5 hour drive.
It was one of the most fun car trips I've ever had. Made more exciting by my jumping up and down on the edge of my seat, eagerly anticipating arriving.
Seth and I had agreed to facetime that night, to makeup for the fact that we wouldn't get to see each other. We got there slightly later than anticipated(gas/potty breaks always take more time than you think), and it was just starting to get dark(it was getting dark at like, 4 pm, though). With my heart beating out of my chest, I called him from his porch, and tried(unsuccessfully) to sound sad.
"Hey, babe. Listen..something came up. Torie is trying to get out of an awkward date tonight, and I agreed to hang out with them instead. I won't be able to facetime you tonight...but we could always face time tomorrow."
"...really?"
I knocked on the door.
"Yeah. And hey, listen, I have to go, we're about to leave. It was super last minute. I'm so sorry. I'll call you when I get home, for sure."
His dad opened the door, with a look of surprise and joy. I whispered a hello, as I heard Seth confused, and sad. on the other line, say goodbye.
"Does he know you're here?" His dad asked, after enveloping me in a hug.
"No" I grinned, practically skipping to the stairs, to head down to his room.
As soon as I opened the door to the stairwell, I saw him. Standing in his sweats, holding a cat to his chest, and his face broke into a smile.
"I knew it! You sounded WAY too happy when you told me we couldn't facetime tonight." I giggled and grinned as I ran down the stairs to hug him.
It ended up as a short visit, just spending time with him and his family. But it was one of my favorites, getting to spend that time with him before he left for his mission.
Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Visits.
Last December, it had been a few weeks longer seeing Seth than I was used to. The longest we usually went without each other was two weeks(we were spoiled, as long as long distance relationships were concerned). I had been searching for a car, and the plan was to drive down to visit him the week before I went home for Christmas. It had been almost a month since I'd last seen him, and I was sorely disappointed that my car search had turned up nothing. The weekend was quickly approaching, and I sadly had to tell Seth that it would be an additional two weeks before we got to see each other.
I was very blessed that semester to have one of the best, and sweetest, roommates I've ever had. While crying and telling her how sad I was that I couldn't go and see him, she offered to drive me down that weekend.
But we didn't tell Seth.
The plan was to leave Saturday evening, after Torie got off work. At about 9 am, that Saturday, Torie woke me up with a smile, telling me that someone had agreed to cover her shift, and we could leave immediately. I have never jumped out of bed faster. I was packed, showered, and ready to go within an hour. We stopped off and fueled both us and her car, and began our 4.5 hour drive.
It was one of the most fun car trips I've ever had. Made more exciting by my jumping up and down on the edge of my seat, eagerly anticipating arriving.
Seth and I had agreed to facetime that night, to makeup for the fact that we wouldn't get to see each other. We got there slightly later than anticipated(gas/potty breaks always take more time than you think), and it was just starting to get dark(it was getting dark at like, 4 pm, though). With my heart beating out of my chest, I called him from his porch, and tried(unsuccessfully) to sound sad.
"Hey, babe. Listen..something came up. Torie is trying to get out of an awkward date tonight, and I agreed to hang out with them instead. I won't be able to facetime you tonight...but we could always face time tomorrow."
"...really?"
I knocked on the door.
"Yeah. And hey, listen, I have to go, we're about to leave. It was super last minute. I'm so sorry. I'll call you when I get home, for sure."
His dad opened the door, with a look of surprise and joy. I whispered a hello, as I heard Seth confused, and sad. on the other line, say goodbye.
"Does he know you're here?" His dad asked, after enveloping me in a hug.
"No" I grinned, practically skipping to the stairs, to head down to his room.
As soon as I opened the door to the stairwell, I saw him. Standing in his sweats, holding a cat to his chest, and his face broke into a smile.
"I knew it! You sounded WAY too happy when you told me we couldn't facetime tonight." I giggled and grinned as I ran down the stairs to hug him.
It ended up as a short visit, just spending time with him and his family. But it was one of my favorites, getting to spend that time with him before he left for his mission.
Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Visits.
Saturday, June 6, 2015
The Last First Date
"I'm sorry, I got a little bit lost on my way to your apartment, I'll be there in an hour instead of 30 minutes! Sorry!"
I rolled over, after reading this text. It was 12:30 PM on a Saturday, and I was still in bed. Obviously, I was still in bed. I'd been out with a few friends the night before, and even though I knew I had a date at 1 PM, I was staying in bed as long as possible.
At 1:00, with more apologetic texts sitting in my unread texts, I forced myself out of bed, and towards a mirror. What I saw looked horrendous, but I didn't really care. I didn't shower, quickly doctoring my hair, putting on a minimal amount of makeup, and putting on one of the rejected outfits from the night before.
At roughly 1:20, I got a text saying that he was there, but he couldn't find my building. I assured him that no one ever could, and I'd meet him in the parking lot. I put on my favorite aviators, locked my front door, and headed down the three flights of stairs.
I had never met Seth. One of my closest friends had told me that I'd be a really good match with him, but I was still hung up on a crush from earlier in the year, before school started. Plus, this boy lived 4 1/2 hours away from me. I was still kinda floored that he was driving all that way for this date. But he'd assured me that he was coming into town anyway to visit his brother, and he just wanted to take me to a casual lunch. I knew he was interested in me, we'd texted and snapchatted over the course of the last few months, as I'd been out of the country until a few weeks before.
I walked into the hot and sunny parking lot, and spotted him right away. He had the passenger door open, bent over as he cleaned something off the floor. When he spotted me coming, he shut the door and came up to me. After exchanging a quick, and slightly awkward hug, he opened my door for me.
Wow. Chivalry. Something I hadn't witnessed in a long time, since my boyfriend when I was four, and that doesn't really count.
He drove me to the cutest hole-in-the-wall Italian restaurant, ordered us matching salads(he didn't order his with dressing, which is gross), and we sat and talked.
He was sending the vibes. I knew he was interested. He was playing it cool, but his eyes would sparkle when we'd make eye contact, and he'd start smiling ever so slightly when I would talk to him.
But I tried shutting him down. I told him about all of my ex-boyfriends in the recent years. It didn't phase him, he responded with stories of his own exes. I talked to him about all of the weird things that I did. He laughed and told me that he did them too, and then supplied stories.
As we got back into the car, I invited him to come over and make cookies.
And that was one of the best decisions of my life.
We made the cookies together, me trying to figure out how to share a kitchen, while he told me funny stories and I laughed.
He set up a movie on my laptop, and as I turned towards him from the kitchen, holding a plate of cookies, he asked me how to properly pronounce my last name. "It's pronounced 'Fack-rull'. Kinda like 'Fat Girl'." We both glanced at the mound of cookies in my arms. "I know what this looks like..." I said, staring at the cookies. He laughed. I loved his laugh.
Throughout the movie, we started moving closer to each other. After the movie, we watched a musical. He showed me a few youtube videos. We talked about our shared interest in How I Met Your Mother. I knew he wanted to kiss me, but he was too chicken to try it.
He later told me that he was afraid to mess it up.
He ended up staying until 5 am. We sat on my couch and laughed and joked and I probably almost peed myself at some point. He looked at me like no boy ever had, and I liked it. I never wanted him to stop.
His smile made that 4 1/2 hour distance worth it, every single time.
It was the best, and the last, first date.
Inspired by this LDR Blogs Prompt: Date Night
I rolled over, after reading this text. It was 12:30 PM on a Saturday, and I was still in bed. Obviously, I was still in bed. I'd been out with a few friends the night before, and even though I knew I had a date at 1 PM, I was staying in bed as long as possible.
At 1:00, with more apologetic texts sitting in my unread texts, I forced myself out of bed, and towards a mirror. What I saw looked horrendous, but I didn't really care. I didn't shower, quickly doctoring my hair, putting on a minimal amount of makeup, and putting on one of the rejected outfits from the night before.
At roughly 1:20, I got a text saying that he was there, but he couldn't find my building. I assured him that no one ever could, and I'd meet him in the parking lot. I put on my favorite aviators, locked my front door, and headed down the three flights of stairs.
I had never met Seth. One of my closest friends had told me that I'd be a really good match with him, but I was still hung up on a crush from earlier in the year, before school started. Plus, this boy lived 4 1/2 hours away from me. I was still kinda floored that he was driving all that way for this date. But he'd assured me that he was coming into town anyway to visit his brother, and he just wanted to take me to a casual lunch. I knew he was interested in me, we'd texted and snapchatted over the course of the last few months, as I'd been out of the country until a few weeks before.
I walked into the hot and sunny parking lot, and spotted him right away. He had the passenger door open, bent over as he cleaned something off the floor. When he spotted me coming, he shut the door and came up to me. After exchanging a quick, and slightly awkward hug, he opened my door for me.
Wow. Chivalry. Something I hadn't witnessed in a long time, since my boyfriend when I was four, and that doesn't really count.
He drove me to the cutest hole-in-the-wall Italian restaurant, ordered us matching salads(he didn't order his with dressing, which is gross), and we sat and talked.
He was sending the vibes. I knew he was interested. He was playing it cool, but his eyes would sparkle when we'd make eye contact, and he'd start smiling ever so slightly when I would talk to him.
But I tried shutting him down. I told him about all of my ex-boyfriends in the recent years. It didn't phase him, he responded with stories of his own exes. I talked to him about all of the weird things that I did. He laughed and told me that he did them too, and then supplied stories.
As we got back into the car, I invited him to come over and make cookies.
And that was one of the best decisions of my life.
We made the cookies together, me trying to figure out how to share a kitchen, while he told me funny stories and I laughed.
He set up a movie on my laptop, and as I turned towards him from the kitchen, holding a plate of cookies, he asked me how to properly pronounce my last name. "It's pronounced 'Fack-rull'. Kinda like 'Fat Girl'." We both glanced at the mound of cookies in my arms. "I know what this looks like..." I said, staring at the cookies. He laughed. I loved his laugh.
Throughout the movie, we started moving closer to each other. After the movie, we watched a musical. He showed me a few youtube videos. We talked about our shared interest in How I Met Your Mother. I knew he wanted to kiss me, but he was too chicken to try it.
He later told me that he was afraid to mess it up.
He ended up staying until 5 am. We sat on my couch and laughed and joked and I probably almost peed myself at some point. He looked at me like no boy ever had, and I liked it. I never wanted him to stop.
His smile made that 4 1/2 hour distance worth it, every single time.
It was the best, and the last, first date.
Inspired by this LDR Blogs Prompt: Date Night
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Giving and Getting
I can recall countless nights, before Seth and I were engaged, where I'd get home from 9 hour at school, 4 hours at work, and just sit on my floor and cry. Because I was tired, and I wanted someone to be there, to be a comfort, and my boyfriend was four hours away.
But I can also recall, all of the times that Seth realized what kind of a day I'd had, how upset I was. I would come home to candy on my pillow(delivered by his brother, who lived near me). I would be drowning in math homework and on the verge of tears, and I would receive a phone call telling me to come downstairs, because he had driven up as a surprise, and he had a picnic for me. I would be missing him and I would find a stuffed animal delivered to my door.
He never came up short.
Being able to call him, and fall asleep talking to him, was one of the biggest comforts. That Seth was just a phone call away. And if needed, just a four hour drive. We were lucky it wasn't longer.
But any relationship is a two way street, right? I can't have the most loving and giving boyfriend, and not reciprocate that, and somehow manage to keep him. Although I feel that I can never be quite as incredible as he is, I always strive to put as much into the relationship as I am getting out of it.
I've been in countless relationships in the past, where I felt like I was dating a brick wall. No matter what kind of effort I was putting forth, I got little to nothing in return.
And it always made me wondering if it was because of ME. If in a different relationship, with a better person, would they put forth that effort? Would they be a good boyfriend?
It makes you feel like the boys who treat a girl right are figments of your imagination.
I'm not saying that in order to be treated right, you need a boy who will give you presents and surprise you at your door. Every couple is different, and what is perfect and comfortable for you may not be what is perfect and comfortable for me.
I'm happy with Seth, in a way I had never been happy in a relationship before. I found someone who I loved, and was able to return that love to me fully.
Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Happiness
But I can also recall, all of the times that Seth realized what kind of a day I'd had, how upset I was. I would come home to candy on my pillow(delivered by his brother, who lived near me). I would be drowning in math homework and on the verge of tears, and I would receive a phone call telling me to come downstairs, because he had driven up as a surprise, and he had a picnic for me. I would be missing him and I would find a stuffed animal delivered to my door.
He never came up short.
Being able to call him, and fall asleep talking to him, was one of the biggest comforts. That Seth was just a phone call away. And if needed, just a four hour drive. We were lucky it wasn't longer.
But any relationship is a two way street, right? I can't have the most loving and giving boyfriend, and not reciprocate that, and somehow manage to keep him. Although I feel that I can never be quite as incredible as he is, I always strive to put as much into the relationship as I am getting out of it.
I've been in countless relationships in the past, where I felt like I was dating a brick wall. No matter what kind of effort I was putting forth, I got little to nothing in return.
And it always made me wondering if it was because of ME. If in a different relationship, with a better person, would they put forth that effort? Would they be a good boyfriend?
It makes you feel like the boys who treat a girl right are figments of your imagination.
I'm not saying that in order to be treated right, you need a boy who will give you presents and surprise you at your door. Every couple is different, and what is perfect and comfortable for you may not be what is perfect and comfortable for me.
I'm happy with Seth, in a way I had never been happy in a relationship before. I found someone who I loved, and was able to return that love to me fully.
Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Happiness
Thursday, May 7, 2015
A moment is still just a moment
Every decision you make, every moment, is significant. Because of the sheer magnitude of these moments, not every moment will register with you consciously. But then you'll have a moment, one that will make you stop and think, and you'll have clarity, and you'll realize that somehow, you were waiting for this moment, even though you didn't know it. Like when you leave the eye doctor with a new prescription and the whole world is crisp around you, and you'd forgotten what it was like to see. Like when you hold your new baby sister and her tiny eyes open up a little and she wraps her tiny, crinkly hand around your finger, and you realize that there is nothing more precious in the world. There are moments all around us, defining moments, that open our eyes. They kind of hit you, sometimes in a really hard, stricken kind of way, and others in a gentle tap, letting you know that it's important. But they hit you.
Seth was always very upfront with his feelings, from the very beginning. He let me know what he was feeling. For me, it was a lot slower. I remember thinking that I wished that I was in love, that I was feeling what he was feeling. He seemed so sure, and I just wasn't. He'd look at me like he couldn't believe I was real, and I'd look at him like I wasn't sure if I wanted him to look at me like that.
There were a lot of little moments, moments that I felt like I had a taste of love. The funny thing about love is that it keeps growing. There's no standard amount that you reach, and then you're done. There's no capacity to love. Love is limitless, and that in itself is so marvelous. I had moments, where I thought I'd found it. I thought to myself, "this is it. This is how I'm going to feel forever." I had moments that I thought defined us, defined my love for Seth, defined and solidified the fact that I wanted to be with him forever.
I remember walking around, Seth so patient, all night, holding his hand as we walked around downtown Salt Lake City, and I'd shown him all of the places I'd lived/worked when I'd been there the year before. I remember being overwhelmed with nostalgia, and Seth just kissed my hand and let me keep talking, reminiscing in stupid things. And the drive home that night, his hand in mine as he sang along to Jason Mraz, and my heart seemed so warm, and I told him I loved him for the first time. I'm pretty sure that he didn't stop smiling for at least an hour.
I remember the day we said goodbye before he was set apart as a missionary. My heart was warm, but in a very different way. I felt like I was being ripped apart, truly leaving a part of my heart with him. I remember him walking me out to my car, and holding me as I sobbed, telling him how much I loved him and how wonderful I thought he was. I didn't want to let go, knowing this was the last time I'd be holding him for two years. I remember pulling away, because I had a long drive and an appointment to make, and kissing him and feeling my tears stream down my face, falling onto his cheeks, mixing in with his own tears. It broke my heart to drive away that day, seeing him stand in the driveway in that huge grey Crossfit hoodie, barely able to see the road through my tears, my hands shaking. I wondered how I could let him leave, when I loved him so much.
But not even that was "the" moment.
I feel like there will never be one "the" moment. Among all of the millions of moments that pass by, every day, every week, every month, there will continue to be more moments. Moments when I look at him as he's singing in the car and realize that I love him more than I thought. Moments where he'll kiss my hand and look at me and my heart will stop for a moment. Moments where we're dancing in the kitchen while we wait for the food to finish cooking and I'll be so glad that I chose HIM to be with forever.
Every day with Seth is a defining moment. Every single day I re-realize why I love him and why I'm marrying him. And that's how I know that he's the one. That is my defining moment. My defining moment came when I sat down to write this, and realized that I couldn't possibly pick ONE moment.
Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Defining Moment
Seth was always very upfront with his feelings, from the very beginning. He let me know what he was feeling. For me, it was a lot slower. I remember thinking that I wished that I was in love, that I was feeling what he was feeling. He seemed so sure, and I just wasn't. He'd look at me like he couldn't believe I was real, and I'd look at him like I wasn't sure if I wanted him to look at me like that.
There were a lot of little moments, moments that I felt like I had a taste of love. The funny thing about love is that it keeps growing. There's no standard amount that you reach, and then you're done. There's no capacity to love. Love is limitless, and that in itself is so marvelous. I had moments, where I thought I'd found it. I thought to myself, "this is it. This is how I'm going to feel forever." I had moments that I thought defined us, defined my love for Seth, defined and solidified the fact that I wanted to be with him forever.
I remember walking around, Seth so patient, all night, holding his hand as we walked around downtown Salt Lake City, and I'd shown him all of the places I'd lived/worked when I'd been there the year before. I remember being overwhelmed with nostalgia, and Seth just kissed my hand and let me keep talking, reminiscing in stupid things. And the drive home that night, his hand in mine as he sang along to Jason Mraz, and my heart seemed so warm, and I told him I loved him for the first time. I'm pretty sure that he didn't stop smiling for at least an hour.
I remember the day we said goodbye before he was set apart as a missionary. My heart was warm, but in a very different way. I felt like I was being ripped apart, truly leaving a part of my heart with him. I remember him walking me out to my car, and holding me as I sobbed, telling him how much I loved him and how wonderful I thought he was. I didn't want to let go, knowing this was the last time I'd be holding him for two years. I remember pulling away, because I had a long drive and an appointment to make, and kissing him and feeling my tears stream down my face, falling onto his cheeks, mixing in with his own tears. It broke my heart to drive away that day, seeing him stand in the driveway in that huge grey Crossfit hoodie, barely able to see the road through my tears, my hands shaking. I wondered how I could let him leave, when I loved him so much.
But not even that was "the" moment.
I feel like there will never be one "the" moment. Among all of the millions of moments that pass by, every day, every week, every month, there will continue to be more moments. Moments when I look at him as he's singing in the car and realize that I love him more than I thought. Moments where he'll kiss my hand and look at me and my heart will stop for a moment. Moments where we're dancing in the kitchen while we wait for the food to finish cooking and I'll be so glad that I chose HIM to be with forever.
Every day with Seth is a defining moment. Every single day I re-realize why I love him and why I'm marrying him. And that's how I know that he's the one. That is my defining moment. My defining moment came when I sat down to write this, and realized that I couldn't possibly pick ONE moment.
Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Defining Moment
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Feels like home
You're that feeling, when you finish a long hike, and you get to the summit, and you look out across the wonderful world that God created for us, and you lose your breath for a moment because of the unimaginable and indescribable beauty.
You're that feeling, when you come home after a long day of work, and you get to kick off your shoes and sink onto your couch and close your eyes for a moment, finally feeling peace.
The moment when you bite into a new food you've never tried, and your tastebuds are flooded with something new and wonderful and you wonder how you lived your whole life without that food.
That moment when you're in a crowd of people and you walk past an attractive stranger, and you make eye contact, and your stomach flies up to your throat, releasing butterflies into your abdomen.
When you hear a new song for the first time and it's so catchy and you feel the music in your soul and you wish you knew the words so you could belt along, but you just let the music fill you up and you soak it up.
The feeling at the end of a long road trip, and you have a full bladder, and you can finally use the toilet.
You're the feeling when you see that your phone didn't crack after you dropped it on concrete.
You're the feeling when you see a beautiful sunrise and your eyes can't take in the colors fast enough.
You're the feeling you get when you hear a baby laughing.
You are most definitely that feeling when you see your food coming in the restaurant and it is much past your dinner time.
The feeling when you walk into a clean hotel room and it smells nice and you can just throw yourself onto the bed and you feel soft and comfortable and new all at once.
You're like walking into a museum you've never been to before, being able to marvel at all that was created by amazing hands.
You're like reading a good book, and never wanting it to end, and wishing that you could forget and start over so you could experience it for the first time all over again.
You're when the fever finally breaks when you've been sick for days, and you can finally relax and you know that your body is working miracles.
You're the feeling when you put on fuzzy socks on Christmas Day.
You're like walking into Barnes and Noble.
The feeling of showering after a long week of camping.
The feeling of having a friend introduce you to a new restaurant, exciting but enthralling while still making you the right amount of nervous.
You're starting a new series on Netflix, comfortable, enjoyable, and much too addicting.
You're the feeling when you get to the end of a roller coaster, and your heart is beating fast, and adrenaline is coursing through your veins, and you realize that that was the most exhilarating experience, and you want to do it over again.
You're every stupid analogy and more.
You're like looking at every sunrise, every horizon, every beautiful skyline, every natural work of God.
You're like every piece of art, made by the common hands trying to bring beauty into the world.
You're like every new experience, exciting and wonderful and breathtaking.
You're like every good memory, comfortable and loving and warm.
You have a way of making everything remind me of you. In the best possible way.
You're that feeling, when you come home after a long day of work, and you get to kick off your shoes and sink onto your couch and close your eyes for a moment, finally feeling peace.
The moment when you bite into a new food you've never tried, and your tastebuds are flooded with something new and wonderful and you wonder how you lived your whole life without that food.
That moment when you're in a crowd of people and you walk past an attractive stranger, and you make eye contact, and your stomach flies up to your throat, releasing butterflies into your abdomen.
When you hear a new song for the first time and it's so catchy and you feel the music in your soul and you wish you knew the words so you could belt along, but you just let the music fill you up and you soak it up.
The feeling at the end of a long road trip, and you have a full bladder, and you can finally use the toilet.
You're the feeling when you see that your phone didn't crack after you dropped it on concrete.
You're the feeling when you see a beautiful sunrise and your eyes can't take in the colors fast enough.
You're the feeling you get when you hear a baby laughing.
You are most definitely that feeling when you see your food coming in the restaurant and it is much past your dinner time.
The feeling when you walk into a clean hotel room and it smells nice and you can just throw yourself onto the bed and you feel soft and comfortable and new all at once.
You're like walking into a museum you've never been to before, being able to marvel at all that was created by amazing hands.
You're like reading a good book, and never wanting it to end, and wishing that you could forget and start over so you could experience it for the first time all over again.
You're when the fever finally breaks when you've been sick for days, and you can finally relax and you know that your body is working miracles.
You're the feeling when you put on fuzzy socks on Christmas Day.
You're like walking into Barnes and Noble.
The feeling of showering after a long week of camping.
The feeling of having a friend introduce you to a new restaurant, exciting but enthralling while still making you the right amount of nervous.
You're starting a new series on Netflix, comfortable, enjoyable, and much too addicting.
You're the feeling when you get to the end of a roller coaster, and your heart is beating fast, and adrenaline is coursing through your veins, and you realize that that was the most exhilarating experience, and you want to do it over again.
You're every stupid analogy and more.
You're like looking at every sunrise, every horizon, every beautiful skyline, every natural work of God.
You're like every piece of art, made by the common hands trying to bring beauty into the world.
You're like every new experience, exciting and wonderful and breathtaking.
You're like every good memory, comfortable and loving and warm.
You have a way of making everything remind me of you. In the best possible way.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
It's the little things
I miss the way one simple touch from you would give me butterflies.
I miss driving to Salt Lake with you.
I miss knowing you were one phone call away.
I miss your lips.
I miss playing with that little curl of hair at the back of your neck.
I miss you letting me pick the music in the car.
I miss the look you'd give me every time I sang along to "Look at me now".
I miss going to Taco Bell with you.
I miss you picking me up from work and buying me dinner.
I miss the way you'd look dumbfounded when I'd come out after getting all dolled up.
I miss you kissing my hand.
I miss dancing in the kitchen in our socks.
I miss cuddling on the couch.
I miss you telling me how cute me nails were.
I miss falling asleep talking to you.
I miss holding your hand.
I miss hearing you say I love you.
I miss you in every single way, in every little way. The things that I took for granted are the things that I miss the most.
I miss you.
I miss driving to Salt Lake with you.
I miss knowing you were one phone call away.
I miss your lips.
I miss playing with that little curl of hair at the back of your neck.
I miss you letting me pick the music in the car.
I miss the look you'd give me every time I sang along to "Look at me now".
I miss going to Taco Bell with you.
I miss you picking me up from work and buying me dinner.
I miss the way you'd look dumbfounded when I'd come out after getting all dolled up.
I miss you kissing my hand.
I miss dancing in the kitchen in our socks.
I miss cuddling on the couch.
I miss you telling me how cute me nails were.
I miss falling asleep talking to you.
I miss holding your hand.
I miss hearing you say I love you.
I miss you in every single way, in every little way. The things that I took for granted are the things that I miss the most.
I miss you.
The power of No
I was having a conversation with a friend this morning about a recent experience with a guy, and she stopped and said, "You know, I wish I could just copy and paste this conversation and just post it online. Because guys don't realize how hard it is to say no. And they don't understand that just because she isn't saying no out loud and there's no sex doesn't make it okay."
Since it was kinda a personal experience, obviously I don't really want it copy and pasted all over the internet. BUT. It got me thinking.
I called my mother this morning, after the conversation with the friend, and gave her the watered down version of the story and told her that I was upset, and why. And we talked about how it's hard, as a female, to say no.
Now, before any guys get out their pitchforks and start yelling about how girls have turned them down, calm down, don't get your panties in a wad, and listen.
Obviously every girl and every guy is different. So not every girl will be able to relate to me. Not every guy is going to be like the guys I will describe in this post. I have met SO many guys who are wonderfully respectful and amazing. Obviously there will be a variation in behaviors all across the board.
I've always had a really hard time saying no. I feel mean. I have NEVER said no to a date before. And this is 100% due to the fact that I don't want to upset those guys. I mean, guys, I feel for you. You have to work up the courage to ask out this girl. And then she says no? I am so so sorry. And so, I have always said yes. I mean, if a second date comes around and I don't want to go, I say so, because at that point it would be unfair in a totally different way.
But I digress.
When I was in my middle school age-early teen years, I was a really quiet and reserved person. I never stood up for myself(which is a different post), and I never voiced my opinions. And coming out of that phase has been a struggle. I still identify myself as an introverted quiet girl.
I remember being newly 16, and getting a phone call from a boy that I had had a HUGE crush on previously, and he asked me on a date. I was, obviously, SO excited. It was set up as a double date(which was the rule), and when they came to pick me up I was practically bouncing, because this boy liked me enough to ask me out! Woohoo!
As the night progressed, however, my opinion of the date changed dramatically. We all went to a movie theater, and he got very handsy. I voiced my opinion once, quietly, that I didn't want to be close to him. I ended up excusing myself and sitting in the bathroom for half an hour. When I came back, I sat as far away from him in my seat as possible. But he just reached over and grabbed me and pulled me close to him. And since my first statement of "I don't want to sit this close to you" had gone ignored, I didn't see the point of saying anything else, and so I subtly tried to move occasionally away from him. Which obviously didn't work. And I figured that it wasn't that big of a deal. When he took me home, he tried to kiss me, but I leaned away and opened my front door really quickly and said goodnight. And I haven't spoken to that boy since then.
Unfortunately, last year I was in a really toxic relationship. I was afraid of the guy I was dating. I didn't know how to break up with him though, because of the circumstances, and I thought that I would get hurt if I tried to break it off. So instead, I just ignored his texts and tried to act disinterested in public settings. Obviously, the relationship had started because of a mutual interest. This guy was a real charmer(aren't all the worst guys like this, though?). Shortly after we started dating(we're talking just a few weeks into it), he asked for inappropriate pictures. I was shocked, and since it was just via text, I politely told him that I didn't think so. From there, it escalated to threats of being molested, to him coming to my apartment one night when none of my roommates were home and attempting to force himself on me. Luckily I had enough adrenaline that I punched him where it hurt and told him to leave, and he did. Shortly thereafter, I moved, and hallelujah, I haven't seen him since.
And my last story(I'm sorry for being long winded). Very recently, I had a friend of mine invite me to hang out with him and a few other friends. Since I'm planning on leaving Utah in a few weeks, I accepted, and we hung out. However, throughout the night, he kept attempting to hold my hand and be close to me and cuddle and I expressed my discomfort to him. I told him that I felt weird and wrong and I mentioned my boyfriend, Seth, that I still wasn't at a point where I wanted to be dating anyone. And he said something along the lines of, "Yes, I can understand how that would be weird" and didn't let go of me. And, like with my first story, I tried to move away from him slowly, but it didn't really work. At the end of the night, he pulled out of a hug and kissed me. It wasn't something I wanted to happen and I was really upset.
The key here, is that in these situations(especially with the first and last) that I expressed my discomfort, but didn't receive any sort of feedback, and so I felt uncomfortable and unsure of what to say or do. And I know SO many girls who have experienced the same thing in varying degrees.
I understand that not every guy is like this, and I understand that there are a lot of guys who would respect a girl and their desires. This post isn't about those boys.
Like I said at the beginning of this post. Just because it isn't about sex doesn't make this any less important. We're not talking about consent, but I guess we sort of are. We're talking about comfort and respect.
Girls, I know we feel obligated to be nice to a guy. And so we feel that, as long as it's not a SERIOUS issue, that it's okay if we just grin and bear it, because they didn't respond well to our requests.
But girls. We deserve so much better. We deserve to be respected. It doesn't matter how significant or insignificant the situation. This isn't okay. It's okay to say "no".
I'm saying this for myself just as much as anyone else. It's okay to say "I don't feel comfortable" and it's okay to remove yourself from the situation if they don't respond well.
But also, boys, if a girl very quietly expresses that she has different desires than you, YOU NEED TO LISTEN. Just because it's a very small comment doesn't mean it's a small request. Just like it took you a lot of courage to ask her out, it took a lot of courage for her to speak up.
Rant over. Sorry guys.
Since it was kinda a personal experience, obviously I don't really want it copy and pasted all over the internet. BUT. It got me thinking.
I called my mother this morning, after the conversation with the friend, and gave her the watered down version of the story and told her that I was upset, and why. And we talked about how it's hard, as a female, to say no.
Now, before any guys get out their pitchforks and start yelling about how girls have turned them down, calm down, don't get your panties in a wad, and listen.
Obviously every girl and every guy is different. So not every girl will be able to relate to me. Not every guy is going to be like the guys I will describe in this post. I have met SO many guys who are wonderfully respectful and amazing. Obviously there will be a variation in behaviors all across the board.
I've always had a really hard time saying no. I feel mean. I have NEVER said no to a date before. And this is 100% due to the fact that I don't want to upset those guys. I mean, guys, I feel for you. You have to work up the courage to ask out this girl. And then she says no? I am so so sorry. And so, I have always said yes. I mean, if a second date comes around and I don't want to go, I say so, because at that point it would be unfair in a totally different way.
But I digress.
When I was in my middle school age-early teen years, I was a really quiet and reserved person. I never stood up for myself(which is a different post), and I never voiced my opinions. And coming out of that phase has been a struggle. I still identify myself as an introverted quiet girl.
I remember being newly 16, and getting a phone call from a boy that I had had a HUGE crush on previously, and he asked me on a date. I was, obviously, SO excited. It was set up as a double date(which was the rule), and when they came to pick me up I was practically bouncing, because this boy liked me enough to ask me out! Woohoo!
As the night progressed, however, my opinion of the date changed dramatically. We all went to a movie theater, and he got very handsy. I voiced my opinion once, quietly, that I didn't want to be close to him. I ended up excusing myself and sitting in the bathroom for half an hour. When I came back, I sat as far away from him in my seat as possible. But he just reached over and grabbed me and pulled me close to him. And since my first statement of "I don't want to sit this close to you" had gone ignored, I didn't see the point of saying anything else, and so I subtly tried to move occasionally away from him. Which obviously didn't work. And I figured that it wasn't that big of a deal. When he took me home, he tried to kiss me, but I leaned away and opened my front door really quickly and said goodnight. And I haven't spoken to that boy since then.
Unfortunately, last year I was in a really toxic relationship. I was afraid of the guy I was dating. I didn't know how to break up with him though, because of the circumstances, and I thought that I would get hurt if I tried to break it off. So instead, I just ignored his texts and tried to act disinterested in public settings. Obviously, the relationship had started because of a mutual interest. This guy was a real charmer(aren't all the worst guys like this, though?). Shortly after we started dating(we're talking just a few weeks into it), he asked for inappropriate pictures. I was shocked, and since it was just via text, I politely told him that I didn't think so. From there, it escalated to threats of being molested, to him coming to my apartment one night when none of my roommates were home and attempting to force himself on me. Luckily I had enough adrenaline that I punched him where it hurt and told him to leave, and he did. Shortly thereafter, I moved, and hallelujah, I haven't seen him since.
And my last story(I'm sorry for being long winded). Very recently, I had a friend of mine invite me to hang out with him and a few other friends. Since I'm planning on leaving Utah in a few weeks, I accepted, and we hung out. However, throughout the night, he kept attempting to hold my hand and be close to me and cuddle and I expressed my discomfort to him. I told him that I felt weird and wrong and I mentioned my boyfriend, Seth, that I still wasn't at a point where I wanted to be dating anyone. And he said something along the lines of, "Yes, I can understand how that would be weird" and didn't let go of me. And, like with my first story, I tried to move away from him slowly, but it didn't really work. At the end of the night, he pulled out of a hug and kissed me. It wasn't something I wanted to happen and I was really upset.
The key here, is that in these situations(especially with the first and last) that I expressed my discomfort, but didn't receive any sort of feedback, and so I felt uncomfortable and unsure of what to say or do. And I know SO many girls who have experienced the same thing in varying degrees.
I understand that not every guy is like this, and I understand that there are a lot of guys who would respect a girl and their desires. This post isn't about those boys.
Like I said at the beginning of this post. Just because it isn't about sex doesn't make this any less important. We're not talking about consent, but I guess we sort of are. We're talking about comfort and respect.
Girls, I know we feel obligated to be nice to a guy. And so we feel that, as long as it's not a SERIOUS issue, that it's okay if we just grin and bear it, because they didn't respond well to our requests.
But girls. We deserve so much better. We deserve to be respected. It doesn't matter how significant or insignificant the situation. This isn't okay. It's okay to say "no".
I'm saying this for myself just as much as anyone else. It's okay to say "I don't feel comfortable" and it's okay to remove yourself from the situation if they don't respond well.
But also, boys, if a girl very quietly expresses that she has different desires than you, YOU NEED TO LISTEN. Just because it's a very small comment doesn't mean it's a small request. Just like it took you a lot of courage to ask her out, it took a lot of courage for her to speak up.
Rant over. Sorry guys.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Falling slowly
I will not fall for you all at once. No, I'll fall for you gradually-falling for the little things. Like the way you laugh mid-kiss sometimes, and look at me like you can't believe what's happening. Or the way you reach over in your sleepy state and pull me close to you as if you cannot keep me close enough. Or simply the way you look at me when I laugh; laughing with you is my favorite. It's like looking directly into your core and seeing how truly vulnerable you can be; laughing with me yet hoping I won't break your heart. But what you don't know is that I could never break your heart, because it is the most beautiful thing about you.
I remember the day you told me about the skeletons in your closet, as I told you about mine. Opening up to reveal your vulnerabilities says a lot about you. I remember holding you and telling you that everyone has baggage, but I wanted to be the person to help you pack that baggage and take you on an adventure.
What I wanted so badly for you to see is that I'm the girl who will be there for you when you need reminding how amazing you are, because life has you convinced otherwise. The girl who will cherish any time spent with you, simply because it is a chance to be near to you. I'm the girl who will make you homemade chicken noodle soup and herbal tea when you're not feeling well. I'm the girl that will keep you around even if you jump the gun and tell me you love me on the second date, because I can see that you're doing your best to express your feelings.
You're the boy that saw my scars. You kissed the physical ones, and you accepted my emotional ones. You assured me that past was past, and I told you that mistakes don't define you. You're the boy that accepted me for who I was, and loved every inch of me.
I want to be the girl who stands by you through every moment of self-doubt, and reminds you of the qualities I see every time I look at you.
I want you to see my scars, when they're distorted by wrinkles and sun spots, and kiss them and tell me you love me for everything.
I want to continue falling for you slowly, every single day. I'll fall when I hear you laugh, the way the skin around your eyes crinkle up and your eyes seem to dance. I'll fall when you grab my hand, and I'll feel electricity transfer from your skin to mine. I'll fall when you look me in the eyes and tell me you love me, when my heart feels on fire, because I know I love you too.
I remember the day you told me about the skeletons in your closet, as I told you about mine. Opening up to reveal your vulnerabilities says a lot about you. I remember holding you and telling you that everyone has baggage, but I wanted to be the person to help you pack that baggage and take you on an adventure.
What I wanted so badly for you to see is that I'm the girl who will be there for you when you need reminding how amazing you are, because life has you convinced otherwise. The girl who will cherish any time spent with you, simply because it is a chance to be near to you. I'm the girl who will make you homemade chicken noodle soup and herbal tea when you're not feeling well. I'm the girl that will keep you around even if you jump the gun and tell me you love me on the second date, because I can see that you're doing your best to express your feelings.
You're the boy that saw my scars. You kissed the physical ones, and you accepted my emotional ones. You assured me that past was past, and I told you that mistakes don't define you. You're the boy that accepted me for who I was, and loved every inch of me.
I want to be the girl who stands by you through every moment of self-doubt, and reminds you of the qualities I see every time I look at you.
I want you to see my scars, when they're distorted by wrinkles and sun spots, and kiss them and tell me you love me for everything.
I want to continue falling for you slowly, every single day. I'll fall when I hear you laugh, the way the skin around your eyes crinkle up and your eyes seem to dance. I'll fall when you grab my hand, and I'll feel electricity transfer from your skin to mine. I'll fall when you look me in the eyes and tell me you love me, when my heart feels on fire, because I know I love you too.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Tender Mercies
I'm just feeling really grateful lately, for:
-Roommates who can offer words of comfort when I'm sad.
-Emails.
-A great bishop.
-A job.
-Good books.
-Sisters who lend me said books.
-Cute underwear.
-A body that is finally functioning well enough to need three meals a day.
-A group of girls that have missionary boyfriends and understand me.
-A boyfriend who is devoting himself to the Lord.
-Hair.
-The Postal service.
-The American Humane Society.
-Tator Tots.
-Stuffed animals to squeeze when I'm lonely.
-Kittens.
-The knowledge to cook(s/o to my mama).
-A wonderful, supporting family.
-A car that gets amazing gas mileage.
-Gloves to keep my hands warm while I drive.
-Ballet.
-Friends from Freshman year that have stuck around.
-Mondays.
-Etsy.
-Selfie taking skills(gotta be grateful for everything, ya know?).
-A heart that is capable of feeling so much.
-The gospel.
-Taylor Swift.
-Kombucha.
-Edamame.
-Snail Mail.
-Amazon.com.
-Stores that carry giftcards, so I don't have to go to every individual place to purchase them.
-Groupon.
-A roommate that is willing to act as a soundboard when necessary.
-A roommate that will let me talk about my boyfriend for hours on end and not complain.
-A boyfriend that is worth talking about for hours.
-My mother.
-Lint rollers.
-Chinese takeout.
-The fact that I don't have a tumor in my brain(still celebrating this, even though it's been a few months).
-Public transportation.
-The library.
-Roommates who can offer words of comfort when I'm sad.
-Emails.
-A great bishop.
-A job.
-Good books.
-Sisters who lend me said books.
-Cute underwear.
-A body that is finally functioning well enough to need three meals a day.
-A group of girls that have missionary boyfriends and understand me.
-A boyfriend who is devoting himself to the Lord.
-Hair.
-The Postal service.
-The American Humane Society.
-Tator Tots.
-Stuffed animals to squeeze when I'm lonely.
-Kittens.
-The knowledge to cook(s/o to my mama).
-A wonderful, supporting family.
-A car that gets amazing gas mileage.
-Gloves to keep my hands warm while I drive.
-Ballet.
-Friends from Freshman year that have stuck around.
-Mondays.
-Etsy.
-Selfie taking skills(gotta be grateful for everything, ya know?).
-A heart that is capable of feeling so much.
-The gospel.
-Taylor Swift.
-Kombucha.
-Edamame.
-Snail Mail.
-Amazon.com.
-Stores that carry giftcards, so I don't have to go to every individual place to purchase them.
-Groupon.
-A roommate that is willing to act as a soundboard when necessary.
-A roommate that will let me talk about my boyfriend for hours on end and not complain.
-A boyfriend that is worth talking about for hours.
-My mother.
-Lint rollers.
-Chinese takeout.
-The fact that I don't have a tumor in my brain(still celebrating this, even though it's been a few months).
-Public transportation.
-The library.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
The chance to say Hello
I've said goodbye in many places. Wal-Mart parking lots, driveways, at my door, at your door, inside a car, at the MTC... Being in a long distance relationship, you end up saying a lot of goodbyes.
I remember at the end of your first visit. I had no idea the kind of impact you would have on my life. I said goodbye briefly at my door, not even giving you a hug.
And I remember our last goodbye. Full of tears and feelings of my heart being broken, wanting to comfort you but not being able to.
You would think after so many months of goodbyes, that they would be getting easier.
But being in a long distance relationship makes me cherish our moments more. Every time we have an entire weekend together, I savor every moment, knowing that we may not have moments like these for a while.
I've been in long distance relationships before this. But never one that left me feeling secure and loved no matter how far away you were.
The nature of this kind of relationship calls for a lot of goodbyes. A lot of moments apart.
But the nature of this relationship welcomes so many hellos. Hellos that mean so much because of the time spent away. Hellos that are cherished and longed for and looked forward to.
I would say a thousand goodbyes to have the change to say just that one Hello.
I remember at the end of your first visit. I had no idea the kind of impact you would have on my life. I said goodbye briefly at my door, not even giving you a hug.
And I remember our last goodbye. Full of tears and feelings of my heart being broken, wanting to comfort you but not being able to.
You would think after so many months of goodbyes, that they would be getting easier.
But being in a long distance relationship makes me cherish our moments more. Every time we have an entire weekend together, I savor every moment, knowing that we may not have moments like these for a while.
I've been in long distance relationships before this. But never one that left me feeling secure and loved no matter how far away you were.
The nature of this kind of relationship calls for a lot of goodbyes. A lot of moments apart.
But the nature of this relationship welcomes so many hellos. Hellos that mean so much because of the time spent away. Hellos that are cherished and longed for and looked forward to.
I would say a thousand goodbyes to have the change to say just that one Hello.
Monday, January 12, 2015
Oops
So, obviously, my plan to post a self-portrait every week failed after just two weeks. Apparently I'm not good at committing myself to posting unless I'm travelling and have exciting things to update you on. But, I have excuses ready to explain why I never posted/finished that project...
Excuse #1: I was taking 17 credits at school. (And it kinda sucked/overwhelmed me)
Excuse #2: I was working two part time jobs.
Excuse #3: I was in a long distance relationship.
I feel bad for stating the last one, because I make it seem like an inconvenience. The only reason I can get away with this post is because said boyfriend just left on a mission, and he won't be reading this post. So ha!
I debated with myself a lot on whether or not to write this post, because in the past, this blog has been to discuss topics that are interesting/talk about travelling, and I didn't really use it to just give updates on my life. And then I remembered that this is MY blog and I can post whatever I want.
But if you're not into me posting all about my missionary boyfriend, I get that, and you don't have to read.
(Also, I promise to maybe start posting more, and I also promise that not all of them will be Seth-related. #sorrynotsorry)
This semester was a whirlwind and I loved every second of it.**
**That was a lie. My bad.
I'm gonna start from the beginning and this may be boring and I'm sorry and really, you don't have to read the whole thing.
Fall of 2013, I started living with Bonnie Doughty(seriously one of my favorite people on this planet!!). I am an avid tweeter, and so I ended up mentioning her a lot on my twitter profile. Because of Bonnie's contagiously outgoing personality and adorable innocence, essentially every guy that meets her falls head over heels at some point. A boy from Bonnies past(who had crushed on her hardcore when he was 14-15) started favoriting all of the tweets I posted concerning her, and he eventually just started following me, occasionally replying to me to express how hilarious he found me.
I hate admitting that our relationship budded online, so I'll just mention that last October, when I worked at Forever 21, Seth came in and bought the ugliest shirt I've ever seen, and he remembers me very well. So. We met in person first(ha!).
Towards the end of my stay in France, Seth reached out to me and started talking to me a lot, and we got to know each other and became really good friends. Once I was back in Orem, he borrowed his sisters car and drove up to take me to lunch, and we hit it off better than I could have ever imagined or anticipated, and we've essentially been inseparable ever since. Despite the fact that he lived in Southern Utah, a 4 hour drive away from me, we would find ways to see each other almost weekly.
Seth left on his mission this last Wednesday, on January 7th, and I couldn't be more proud of him. I am honestly so excited for him and the experiences he'll have over the next two years, and I'm also excited for me and the experiences that I'll get to have.
I feel like the topic of "Missionary Girlfriends" is somewhat frowned upon, so I want to discuss it a little bit.
Before I met Seth, I was one of those people that would roll their eyes every single time I saw someone post anything about their "missionary boyfriend". My older sister once started waiting for a missionary, but ended up getting married to someone different right after the missionary got home(**Which is great, the guy she married was perfectly matched for her and it was the person she was supposed to marry). It's definitely been a humbling experience, dating someone who is on a mission. And I've been getting a lot of support from my mother, my roommate, and the various facebook groups for Missionary Girlfriends that I'm now a part of.
Everyone waits for missionaries different ways(even though I'm not "waiting") and I feel like there is a lot of negative energy towards both the girlfriends and the missionaries. The purpose of my post isn't to debate which way is right, or to discount anyone's methods or feelings, but it slightly makes my blood boil when someone says that "as soon as you find another guy to kiss you'll forget about him" or "a lot can happen in two years". A lot happens in two years, a lot WILL happen in two years, I am not limiting myself while Seth is gone, I'm open to any experiences that happen to me, etc. However, even if I DID chose to officially wait and I didn't date anyone while he was gone, would that be anyone's place to judge me? No.
Sorry, I digress.
I mean, I feel that this post didn't really have a point other than the fact that I've read enough blog posts discounting "Missionary Girlfriends" that I was getting mad. The decision for a girl to wait for a missionary is the same as a girls decision to date someone that is physically present with them constantly. They're different methods, but they have the same purpose and the same end goal. You never know what the relationship or connection is between two people, so don't judge or discount any other persons decisions or relationships because it's different than yours or how you would handle the situation.
Rant over.
Excuse #1: I was taking 17 credits at school. (And it kinda sucked/overwhelmed me)
Excuse #2: I was working two part time jobs.
Excuse #3: I was in a long distance relationship.
I feel bad for stating the last one, because I make it seem like an inconvenience. The only reason I can get away with this post is because said boyfriend just left on a mission, and he won't be reading this post. So ha!
I debated with myself a lot on whether or not to write this post, because in the past, this blog has been to discuss topics that are interesting/talk about travelling, and I didn't really use it to just give updates on my life. And then I remembered that this is MY blog and I can post whatever I want.
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| Proof that I can post whatever I want! |
(Also, I promise to maybe start posting more, and I also promise that not all of them will be Seth-related. #sorrynotsorry)
This semester was a whirlwind and I loved every second of it.**
**That was a lie. My bad.
I'm gonna start from the beginning and this may be boring and I'm sorry and really, you don't have to read the whole thing.
Fall of 2013, I started living with Bonnie Doughty(seriously one of my favorite people on this planet!!). I am an avid tweeter, and so I ended up mentioning her a lot on my twitter profile. Because of Bonnie's contagiously outgoing personality and adorable innocence, essentially every guy that meets her falls head over heels at some point. A boy from Bonnies past(who had crushed on her hardcore when he was 14-15) started favoriting all of the tweets I posted concerning her, and he eventually just started following me, occasionally replying to me to express how hilarious he found me.
I hate admitting that our relationship budded online, so I'll just mention that last October, when I worked at Forever 21, Seth came in and bought the ugliest shirt I've ever seen, and he remembers me very well. So. We met in person first(ha!).
Towards the end of my stay in France, Seth reached out to me and started talking to me a lot, and we got to know each other and became really good friends. Once I was back in Orem, he borrowed his sisters car and drove up to take me to lunch, and we hit it off better than I could have ever imagined or anticipated, and we've essentially been inseparable ever since. Despite the fact that he lived in Southern Utah, a 4 hour drive away from me, we would find ways to see each other almost weekly.
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| The whole family(plus me) dropping him off at the MTC! |
I feel like the topic of "Missionary Girlfriends" is somewhat frowned upon, so I want to discuss it a little bit.
Before I met Seth, I was one of those people that would roll their eyes every single time I saw someone post anything about their "missionary boyfriend". My older sister once started waiting for a missionary, but ended up getting married to someone different right after the missionary got home(**Which is great, the guy she married was perfectly matched for her and it was the person she was supposed to marry). It's definitely been a humbling experience, dating someone who is on a mission. And I've been getting a lot of support from my mother, my roommate, and the various facebook groups for Missionary Girlfriends that I'm now a part of.
Everyone waits for missionaries different ways(even though I'm not "waiting") and I feel like there is a lot of negative energy towards both the girlfriends and the missionaries. The purpose of my post isn't to debate which way is right, or to discount anyone's methods or feelings, but it slightly makes my blood boil when someone says that "as soon as you find another guy to kiss you'll forget about him" or "a lot can happen in two years". A lot happens in two years, a lot WILL happen in two years, I am not limiting myself while Seth is gone, I'm open to any experiences that happen to me, etc. However, even if I DID chose to officially wait and I didn't date anyone while he was gone, would that be anyone's place to judge me? No.
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| Also like how you shouldn't judge this picture. |
I mean, I feel that this post didn't really have a point other than the fact that I've read enough blog posts discounting "Missionary Girlfriends" that I was getting mad. The decision for a girl to wait for a missionary is the same as a girls decision to date someone that is physically present with them constantly. They're different methods, but they have the same purpose and the same end goal. You never know what the relationship or connection is between two people, so don't judge or discount any other persons decisions or relationships because it's different than yours or how you would handle the situation.
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| The day he went into the MTC. Also wearing the same shirt as on our first date, cuz I'm cheesy that way. |
Rant over.
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