The power of No

I was having a conversation with a friend this morning about a recent experience with a guy, and she stopped and said, "You know, I wish I could just copy and paste this conversation and just post it online. Because guys don't realize how hard it is to say no. And they don't understand that just because she isn't saying no out loud and there's no sex doesn't make it okay."

Since it was kinda a personal experience, obviously I don't really want it copy and pasted all over the internet. BUT. It got me thinking.

I called my mother this morning, after the conversation with the friend, and gave her the watered down version of the story and told her that I was upset, and why. And we talked about how it's hard, as a female, to say no.

Now, before any guys get out their pitchforks and start yelling about how girls have turned them down, calm down, don't get your panties in a wad, and listen.

Obviously every girl and every guy is different. So not every girl will be able to relate to me. Not every guy is going to be like the guys I will describe in this post. I have met SO many guys who are wonderfully respectful and amazing. Obviously there will be a variation in behaviors all across the board.

I've always had a really hard time saying no. I feel mean. I have NEVER said no to a date before. And this is 100% due to the fact that I don't want to upset those guys. I mean, guys, I feel for you. You have to work up the courage to ask out this girl. And then she says no? I am so so sorry. And so, I have always said yes. I mean, if a second date comes around and I don't want to go, I say so, because at that point it would be unfair in a totally different way.

But I digress.

When I was in my middle school age-early teen years, I was a really quiet and reserved person. I never stood up for myself(which is a different post), and I never voiced my opinions. And coming out of that phase has been a struggle. I still identify myself as an introverted quiet girl.

I remember being newly 16, and getting a phone call from a boy that I had had a HUGE crush on previously, and he asked me on a date. I was, obviously, SO excited. It was set up as a double date(which was the rule), and when they came to pick me up I was practically bouncing, because this boy liked me enough to ask me out! Woohoo!

As the night progressed, however, my opinion of the date changed dramatically. We all went to a movie theater, and he got very handsy. I voiced my opinion once, quietly, that I didn't want to be close to him. I ended up excusing myself and sitting in the bathroom for half an hour. When I came back, I sat as far away from him in my seat as possible. But he just reached over and grabbed me and pulled me close to him. And since my first statement of "I don't want to sit this close to you" had gone ignored, I didn't see the point of saying anything else, and so I subtly tried to move occasionally away from him. Which obviously didn't work. And I figured that it wasn't that big of a deal. When he took me home, he tried to kiss me, but I leaned away and opened my front door really quickly and said goodnight. And I haven't spoken to that boy since then.

Unfortunately, last year I was in a really toxic relationship. I was afraid of the guy I was dating. I didn't know how to break up with him though, because of the circumstances, and I thought that I would get hurt if I tried to break it off. So instead, I just ignored his texts and tried to act disinterested in public settings. Obviously, the relationship had started because of a mutual interest. This guy was a real charmer(aren't all the worst guys like this, though?). Shortly after we started dating(we're talking just a few weeks into it), he asked for inappropriate pictures. I was shocked, and since it was just via text, I politely told him that I didn't think so. From there, it escalated to threats of being molested, to him coming to my apartment one night when none of my roommates were home and attempting to force himself on me. Luckily I had enough adrenaline that I punched him where it hurt and told him to leave, and he did. Shortly thereafter, I moved, and hallelujah, I haven't seen him since.

And my last story(I'm sorry for being long winded). Very recently, I had a friend of mine invite me to hang out with him and a few other friends. Since I'm planning on leaving Utah in a few weeks, I accepted, and we hung out. However, throughout the night, he kept attempting to hold my hand and be close to me and cuddle and I expressed my discomfort to him. I told him that I felt weird and wrong and I mentioned my boyfriend, Seth, that I still wasn't at a point where I wanted to be dating anyone. And he said something along the lines of, "Yes, I can understand how that would be weird" and didn't let go of me. And, like with my first story, I tried to move away from him slowly, but it didn't really work. At the end of the night, he pulled out of a hug and kissed me. It wasn't something I wanted to happen and I was really upset.

The key here, is that in these situations(especially with the first and last) that I expressed my discomfort, but didn't receive any sort of feedback, and so I felt uncomfortable and unsure of what to say or do. And I know SO many girls who have experienced the same thing in varying degrees.

I understand that not every guy is like this, and I understand that there are a lot of guys who would respect a girl and their desires. This post isn't about those boys.

Like I said at the beginning of this post. Just because it isn't about sex doesn't make this any less important. We're not talking about consent, but I guess we sort of are. We're talking about comfort and respect.

Girls, I know we feel obligated to be nice to a guy. And so we feel that, as long as it's not a SERIOUS issue, that it's okay if we just grin and bear it, because they didn't respond well to our requests.

But girls. We deserve so much better. We deserve to be respected. It doesn't matter how significant or insignificant the situation. This isn't okay. It's okay to say "no".

I'm saying this for myself just as much as anyone else. It's okay to say "I don't feel comfortable" and it's okay to remove yourself from the situation if they don't respond well.

But also, boys, if a girl very quietly expresses that she has different desires than you, YOU NEED TO LISTEN. Just because it's a very small comment doesn't mean it's a small request. Just like it took you a lot of courage to ask her out, it took a lot of courage for her to speak up.

Rant over. Sorry guys.