Giving and Getting

I can recall countless nights, before Seth and I were engaged, where I'd get home from 9 hour at school, 4 hours at work, and just sit on my floor and cry. Because I was tired, and I wanted someone to be there, to be a comfort, and my boyfriend was four hours away.

But I can also recall, all of the times that Seth realized what kind of a day I'd had, how upset I was. I would come home to candy on my pillow(delivered by his brother, who lived near me). I would be drowning in math homework and on the verge of tears, and I would receive a phone call telling me to come downstairs, because he had driven up as a surprise, and he had a picnic for me. I would be missing him and I would find a stuffed animal delivered to my door.

He never came up short.

Being able to call him, and fall asleep talking to him, was one of the biggest comforts. That Seth was just a phone call away. And if needed, just a four hour drive. We were lucky it wasn't longer.

But any relationship is a two way street, right? I can't have the most loving and giving boyfriend, and not reciprocate that, and somehow manage to keep him. Although I feel that I can never be quite as incredible as he is, I always strive to put as much into the relationship as I am getting out of it.

I've been in countless relationships in the past, where I felt like I was dating a brick wall. No matter what kind of effort I was putting forth, I got little to nothing in return.

And it always made me wondering if it was because of ME. If in a different relationship, with a better person, would they put forth that effort? Would they be a good boyfriend?

It makes you feel like the boys who treat a girl right are figments of your imagination.

I'm not saying that in order to be treated right, you need a boy who will give you presents and surprise you at your door. Every couple is different, and what is perfect and comfortable for you may not be what is perfect and comfortable for me.

I'm happy with Seth, in a way I had never been happy in a relationship before. I found someone who I loved, and was able to return that love to me fully.

Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Happiness

A moment is still just a moment

Every decision you make, every moment, is significant. Because of the sheer magnitude of these moments, not every moment will register with you consciously. But then you'll have a moment, one that will make you stop and think, and you'll have clarity, and you'll realize that somehow, you were waiting for this moment, even though you didn't know it. Like when you leave the eye doctor with a new prescription and the whole world is crisp around you, and you'd forgotten what it was like to see. Like when you hold your new baby sister and her tiny eyes open up a little and she wraps her tiny, crinkly hand around your finger, and you realize that there is nothing more precious in the world. There are moments all around us, defining moments, that open our eyes. They kind of hit you, sometimes in a really hard, stricken kind of way, and others in a gentle tap, letting you know that it's important. But they hit you.

Seth was always very upfront with his feelings, from the very beginning. He let me know what he was feeling. For me, it was a lot slower. I remember thinking that I wished that I was in love, that I was feeling what he was feeling. He seemed so sure, and I just wasn't. He'd look at me like he couldn't believe I was real, and I'd look at him like I wasn't sure if I wanted him to look at me like that.

There were a lot of little moments, moments that I felt like I had a taste of love. The funny thing about love is that it keeps growing. There's no standard amount that you reach, and then you're done. There's no capacity to love. Love is limitless, and that in itself is so marvelous. I had moments, where I thought I'd found it. I thought to myself, "this is it. This is how I'm going to feel forever." I had moments that I thought defined us, defined my love for Seth, defined and solidified the fact that I wanted to be with him forever.

I remember walking around, Seth so patient, all night, holding his hand as we walked around downtown Salt Lake City, and I'd shown him all of the places I'd lived/worked when I'd been there the year before. I remember being overwhelmed with nostalgia, and Seth just kissed my hand and let me keep talking, reminiscing in stupid things. And the drive home that night, his hand in mine as he sang along to Jason Mraz, and my heart seemed so warm, and I told him I loved him for the first time. I'm pretty sure that he didn't stop smiling for at least an hour.

I remember the day we said goodbye before he was set apart as a missionary. My heart was warm, but in a very different way. I felt like I was being ripped apart, truly leaving a part of my heart with him. I remember him walking me out to my car, and holding me as I sobbed, telling him how much I loved him and how wonderful I thought he was. I didn't want to let go, knowing this was the last time I'd be holding him for two years. I remember pulling away, because I had a long drive and an appointment to make, and kissing him and feeling my tears stream down my face, falling onto his cheeks, mixing in with his own tears. It broke my heart to drive away that day, seeing him stand in the driveway in that huge grey Crossfit hoodie, barely able to see the road through my tears, my hands shaking. I wondered how I could let him leave, when I loved him so much.

But not even that was "the" moment.

I feel like there will never be one "the" moment. Among all of the millions of moments that pass by, every day, every week, every month, there will continue to be more moments. Moments when I look at him as he's singing in the car and realize that I love him more than I thought. Moments where he'll kiss my hand and look at me and my heart will stop for a moment. Moments where we're dancing in the kitchen while we wait for the food to finish cooking and I'll be so glad that I chose HIM to be with forever.

Every day with Seth is a defining moment. Every single day I re-realize why I love him and why I'm marrying him. And that's how I know that he's the one. That is my defining moment. My defining moment came when I sat down to write this, and realized that I couldn't possibly pick ONE moment.

Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Defining Moment