Giving and Getting

I can recall countless nights, before Seth and I were engaged, where I'd get home from 9 hour at school, 4 hours at work, and just sit on my floor and cry. Because I was tired, and I wanted someone to be there, to be a comfort, and my boyfriend was four hours away.

But I can also recall, all of the times that Seth realized what kind of a day I'd had, how upset I was. I would come home to candy on my pillow(delivered by his brother, who lived near me). I would be drowning in math homework and on the verge of tears, and I would receive a phone call telling me to come downstairs, because he had driven up as a surprise, and he had a picnic for me. I would be missing him and I would find a stuffed animal delivered to my door.

He never came up short.

Being able to call him, and fall asleep talking to him, was one of the biggest comforts. That Seth was just a phone call away. And if needed, just a four hour drive. We were lucky it wasn't longer.

But any relationship is a two way street, right? I can't have the most loving and giving boyfriend, and not reciprocate that, and somehow manage to keep him. Although I feel that I can never be quite as incredible as he is, I always strive to put as much into the relationship as I am getting out of it.

I've been in countless relationships in the past, where I felt like I was dating a brick wall. No matter what kind of effort I was putting forth, I got little to nothing in return.

And it always made me wondering if it was because of ME. If in a different relationship, with a better person, would they put forth that effort? Would they be a good boyfriend?

It makes you feel like the boys who treat a girl right are figments of your imagination.

I'm not saying that in order to be treated right, you need a boy who will give you presents and surprise you at your door. Every couple is different, and what is perfect and comfortable for you may not be what is perfect and comfortable for me.

I'm happy with Seth, in a way I had never been happy in a relationship before. I found someone who I loved, and was able to return that love to me fully.

Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Happiness

A moment is still just a moment

Every decision you make, every moment, is significant. Because of the sheer magnitude of these moments, not every moment will register with you consciously. But then you'll have a moment, one that will make you stop and think, and you'll have clarity, and you'll realize that somehow, you were waiting for this moment, even though you didn't know it. Like when you leave the eye doctor with a new prescription and the whole world is crisp around you, and you'd forgotten what it was like to see. Like when you hold your new baby sister and her tiny eyes open up a little and she wraps her tiny, crinkly hand around your finger, and you realize that there is nothing more precious in the world. There are moments all around us, defining moments, that open our eyes. They kind of hit you, sometimes in a really hard, stricken kind of way, and others in a gentle tap, letting you know that it's important. But they hit you.

Seth was always very upfront with his feelings, from the very beginning. He let me know what he was feeling. For me, it was a lot slower. I remember thinking that I wished that I was in love, that I was feeling what he was feeling. He seemed so sure, and I just wasn't. He'd look at me like he couldn't believe I was real, and I'd look at him like I wasn't sure if I wanted him to look at me like that.

There were a lot of little moments, moments that I felt like I had a taste of love. The funny thing about love is that it keeps growing. There's no standard amount that you reach, and then you're done. There's no capacity to love. Love is limitless, and that in itself is so marvelous. I had moments, where I thought I'd found it. I thought to myself, "this is it. This is how I'm going to feel forever." I had moments that I thought defined us, defined my love for Seth, defined and solidified the fact that I wanted to be with him forever.

I remember walking around, Seth so patient, all night, holding his hand as we walked around downtown Salt Lake City, and I'd shown him all of the places I'd lived/worked when I'd been there the year before. I remember being overwhelmed with nostalgia, and Seth just kissed my hand and let me keep talking, reminiscing in stupid things. And the drive home that night, his hand in mine as he sang along to Jason Mraz, and my heart seemed so warm, and I told him I loved him for the first time. I'm pretty sure that he didn't stop smiling for at least an hour.

I remember the day we said goodbye before he was set apart as a missionary. My heart was warm, but in a very different way. I felt like I was being ripped apart, truly leaving a part of my heart with him. I remember him walking me out to my car, and holding me as I sobbed, telling him how much I loved him and how wonderful I thought he was. I didn't want to let go, knowing this was the last time I'd be holding him for two years. I remember pulling away, because I had a long drive and an appointment to make, and kissing him and feeling my tears stream down my face, falling onto his cheeks, mixing in with his own tears. It broke my heart to drive away that day, seeing him stand in the driveway in that huge grey Crossfit hoodie, barely able to see the road through my tears, my hands shaking. I wondered how I could let him leave, when I loved him so much.

But not even that was "the" moment.

I feel like there will never be one "the" moment. Among all of the millions of moments that pass by, every day, every week, every month, there will continue to be more moments. Moments when I look at him as he's singing in the car and realize that I love him more than I thought. Moments where he'll kiss my hand and look at me and my heart will stop for a moment. Moments where we're dancing in the kitchen while we wait for the food to finish cooking and I'll be so glad that I chose HIM to be with forever.

Every day with Seth is a defining moment. Every single day I re-realize why I love him and why I'm marrying him. And that's how I know that he's the one. That is my defining moment. My defining moment came when I sat down to write this, and realized that I couldn't possibly pick ONE moment.

Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Defining Moment

Feels like home

You're that feeling, when you finish a long hike, and you get to the summit, and you look out across the wonderful world that God created for us, and you lose your breath for a moment because of the unimaginable and indescribable beauty.

You're that feeling, when you come home after a long day of work, and you get to kick off your shoes and sink onto your couch and close your eyes for a moment, finally feeling peace.

The moment when you bite into a new food you've never tried, and your tastebuds are flooded with something new and wonderful and you wonder how you lived your whole life without that food.

That moment when you're in a crowd of people and you walk past an attractive stranger, and you make eye contact, and your stomach flies up to your throat, releasing butterflies into your abdomen.

When you hear a new song for the first time and it's so catchy and you feel the music in your soul and you wish you knew the words so you could belt along, but you just let the music fill you up and you soak it up.

The feeling at the end of a long road trip, and you have a full bladder, and you can finally use the toilet.

You're the feeling when you see that your phone didn't crack after you dropped it on concrete.

You're the feeling when you see a beautiful sunrise and your eyes can't take in the colors fast enough.

You're the feeling you get when you hear a baby laughing.

You are most definitely that feeling when you see your food coming in the restaurant and it is much past your dinner time.

The feeling when you walk into a clean hotel room and it smells nice and you can just throw yourself onto the bed and you feel soft and comfortable and new all at once.

You're like walking into a museum you've never been to before, being able to marvel at all that was created by amazing hands.

You're like reading a good book, and never wanting it to end, and wishing that you could forget and start over so you could experience it for the first time all over again.

You're when the fever finally breaks when you've been sick for days, and you can finally relax and you know that your body is working miracles.

You're the feeling when you put on fuzzy socks on Christmas Day.

You're like walking into Barnes and Noble.

The feeling of showering after a long week of camping.

The feeling of having a friend introduce you to a new restaurant, exciting but enthralling while still making you the right amount of nervous.

You're starting a new series on Netflix, comfortable, enjoyable, and much too addicting.

You're the feeling when you get to the end of a roller coaster, and your heart is beating fast, and adrenaline is coursing through your veins, and you realize that that was the most exhilarating experience, and you want to do it over again.

You're every stupid analogy and more.

You're like looking at every sunrise, every horizon, every beautiful skyline, every natural work of God.

You're like every piece of art, made by the common hands trying to bring beauty into the world.

You're like every new experience, exciting and wonderful and breathtaking.

You're like every good memory, comfortable and loving and warm.

You have a way of making everything remind me of you. In the best possible way.

It's the little things

I miss the way one simple touch from you would give me butterflies.

I miss driving to Salt Lake with you.

I miss knowing you were one phone call away.

I miss your lips.

I miss playing with that little curl of hair at the back of your neck.

I miss you letting me pick the music in the car.

I miss the look you'd give me every time I sang along to "Look at me now".

I miss going to Taco Bell with you.

I miss you picking me up from work and buying me dinner.

I miss the way you'd look dumbfounded when I'd come out after getting all dolled up.

I miss you kissing my hand.

I miss dancing in the kitchen in our socks.

I miss cuddling on the couch.

I miss you telling me how cute me nails were.

I miss falling asleep talking to you.

I miss holding your hand.

I miss hearing you say I love you.

I miss you in every single way, in every little way. The things that I took for granted are the things that I miss the most.

I miss you.

The power of No

I was having a conversation with a friend this morning about a recent experience with a guy, and she stopped and said, "You know, I wish I could just copy and paste this conversation and just post it online. Because guys don't realize how hard it is to say no. And they don't understand that just because she isn't saying no out loud and there's no sex doesn't make it okay."

Since it was kinda a personal experience, obviously I don't really want it copy and pasted all over the internet. BUT. It got me thinking.

I called my mother this morning, after the conversation with the friend, and gave her the watered down version of the story and told her that I was upset, and why. And we talked about how it's hard, as a female, to say no.

Now, before any guys get out their pitchforks and start yelling about how girls have turned them down, calm down, don't get your panties in a wad, and listen.

Obviously every girl and every guy is different. So not every girl will be able to relate to me. Not every guy is going to be like the guys I will describe in this post. I have met SO many guys who are wonderfully respectful and amazing. Obviously there will be a variation in behaviors all across the board.

I've always had a really hard time saying no. I feel mean. I have NEVER said no to a date before. And this is 100% due to the fact that I don't want to upset those guys. I mean, guys, I feel for you. You have to work up the courage to ask out this girl. And then she says no? I am so so sorry. And so, I have always said yes. I mean, if a second date comes around and I don't want to go, I say so, because at that point it would be unfair in a totally different way.

But I digress.

When I was in my middle school age-early teen years, I was a really quiet and reserved person. I never stood up for myself(which is a different post), and I never voiced my opinions. And coming out of that phase has been a struggle. I still identify myself as an introverted quiet girl.

I remember being newly 16, and getting a phone call from a boy that I had had a HUGE crush on previously, and he asked me on a date. I was, obviously, SO excited. It was set up as a double date(which was the rule), and when they came to pick me up I was practically bouncing, because this boy liked me enough to ask me out! Woohoo!

As the night progressed, however, my opinion of the date changed dramatically. We all went to a movie theater, and he got very handsy. I voiced my opinion once, quietly, that I didn't want to be close to him. I ended up excusing myself and sitting in the bathroom for half an hour. When I came back, I sat as far away from him in my seat as possible. But he just reached over and grabbed me and pulled me close to him. And since my first statement of "I don't want to sit this close to you" had gone ignored, I didn't see the point of saying anything else, and so I subtly tried to move occasionally away from him. Which obviously didn't work. And I figured that it wasn't that big of a deal. When he took me home, he tried to kiss me, but I leaned away and opened my front door really quickly and said goodnight. And I haven't spoken to that boy since then.

Unfortunately, last year I was in a really toxic relationship. I was afraid of the guy I was dating. I didn't know how to break up with him though, because of the circumstances, and I thought that I would get hurt if I tried to break it off. So instead, I just ignored his texts and tried to act disinterested in public settings. Obviously, the relationship had started because of a mutual interest. This guy was a real charmer(aren't all the worst guys like this, though?). Shortly after we started dating(we're talking just a few weeks into it), he asked for inappropriate pictures. I was shocked, and since it was just via text, I politely told him that I didn't think so. From there, it escalated to threats of being molested, to him coming to my apartment one night when none of my roommates were home and attempting to force himself on me. Luckily I had enough adrenaline that I punched him where it hurt and told him to leave, and he did. Shortly thereafter, I moved, and hallelujah, I haven't seen him since.

And my last story(I'm sorry for being long winded). Very recently, I had a friend of mine invite me to hang out with him and a few other friends. Since I'm planning on leaving Utah in a few weeks, I accepted, and we hung out. However, throughout the night, he kept attempting to hold my hand and be close to me and cuddle and I expressed my discomfort to him. I told him that I felt weird and wrong and I mentioned my boyfriend, Seth, that I still wasn't at a point where I wanted to be dating anyone. And he said something along the lines of, "Yes, I can understand how that would be weird" and didn't let go of me. And, like with my first story, I tried to move away from him slowly, but it didn't really work. At the end of the night, he pulled out of a hug and kissed me. It wasn't something I wanted to happen and I was really upset.

The key here, is that in these situations(especially with the first and last) that I expressed my discomfort, but didn't receive any sort of feedback, and so I felt uncomfortable and unsure of what to say or do. And I know SO many girls who have experienced the same thing in varying degrees.

I understand that not every guy is like this, and I understand that there are a lot of guys who would respect a girl and their desires. This post isn't about those boys.

Like I said at the beginning of this post. Just because it isn't about sex doesn't make this any less important. We're not talking about consent, but I guess we sort of are. We're talking about comfort and respect.

Girls, I know we feel obligated to be nice to a guy. And so we feel that, as long as it's not a SERIOUS issue, that it's okay if we just grin and bear it, because they didn't respond well to our requests.

But girls. We deserve so much better. We deserve to be respected. It doesn't matter how significant or insignificant the situation. This isn't okay. It's okay to say "no".

I'm saying this for myself just as much as anyone else. It's okay to say "I don't feel comfortable" and it's okay to remove yourself from the situation if they don't respond well.

But also, boys, if a girl very quietly expresses that she has different desires than you, YOU NEED TO LISTEN. Just because it's a very small comment doesn't mean it's a small request. Just like it took you a lot of courage to ask her out, it took a lot of courage for her to speak up.

Rant over. Sorry guys.

Falling slowly

I will not fall for you all at once. No, I'll fall for you gradually-falling for the little things. Like the way you laugh mid-kiss sometimes, and look at me like you can't believe what's happening. Or the way you reach over in your sleepy state and pull me close to you as if you cannot keep me close enough. Or simply the way you look at me when I laugh; laughing with you is my favorite. It's like looking directly into your core and seeing how truly vulnerable you can be; laughing with me yet hoping I won't break your heart. But what you don't know is that I could never break your heart, because it is the most beautiful thing about you.


I remember the day you told me about the skeletons in your closet, as I told you about mine. Opening up to reveal your vulnerabilities says a lot about you. I remember holding you and telling you that everyone has baggage, but I wanted to be the person to help you pack that baggage and take you on an adventure.


What I wanted so badly for you to see is that I'm the girl who will be there for you when you need reminding how amazing you are, because life has you convinced otherwise. The girl who will cherish any time spent with you, simply because it is a chance to be near to you. I'm the girl who will make you homemade chicken noodle soup and herbal tea when you're not feeling well. I'm the girl that will keep you around even if you jump the gun and tell me you love me on the second date, because I can see that you're doing your best to express your feelings.


You're the boy that saw my scars. You kissed the physical ones, and you accepted my emotional ones. You assured me that past was past, and I told you that mistakes don't define you. You're the boy that accepted me for who I was, and loved every inch of me.


I want to be the girl who stands by you through every moment of self-doubt, and reminds you of the qualities I see every time I look at you.


I want you to see my scars, when they're distorted by wrinkles and sun spots, and kiss them and tell me you love me for everything.


I want to continue falling for you slowly, every single day. I'll fall when I hear you laugh, the way the skin around your eyes crinkle up and your eyes seem to dance. I'll fall when you grab my hand, and I'll feel electricity transfer from your skin to mine. I'll fall when you look me in the eyes and tell me you love me, when my heart feels on fire, because I know I love you too.

Tender Mercies

I'm just feeling really grateful lately, for:

-Roommates who can offer words of comfort when I'm sad.

-Emails.

-A great bishop.

-A job.

-Good books.

-Sisters who lend me said books.

-Cute underwear.

-A body that is finally functioning well enough to need three meals a day.

-A group of girls that have missionary boyfriends and understand me.

-A boyfriend who is devoting himself to the Lord.

-Hair.

-The Postal service.

-The American Humane Society.

-Tator Tots.

-Stuffed animals to squeeze when I'm lonely.

-Kittens.

-The knowledge to cook(s/o to my mama).

-A wonderful, supporting family.

-A car that gets amazing gas mileage.

-Gloves to keep my hands warm while I drive.

-Ballet.

-Friends from Freshman year that have stuck around.

-Mondays.

-Etsy.

-Selfie taking skills(gotta be grateful for everything, ya know?).

-A heart that is capable of feeling so much.

-The gospel.

-Taylor Swift.

-Kombucha.

-Edamame.

-Snail Mail.

-Amazon.com.

-Stores that carry giftcards, so I don't have to go to every individual place to purchase them.

-Groupon.

-A roommate that is willing to act as a soundboard when necessary.

-A roommate that will let me talk about my boyfriend for hours on end and not complain.

-A boyfriend that is worth talking about for hours.

-My mother.

-Lint rollers.

-Chinese takeout.

-The fact that I don't have a tumor in my brain(still celebrating this, even though it's been a few months).

-Public transportation.

-The library.