"Life makes love look hard". Or, makes everything look hard...

"It's killing me to see you go, after all this time."

Life is one of those confusing things no one really understands, like a person that enjoys eating mayonnaise out of the jar. It just doesn't make sense.

Have you ever sat and just thought about how circumstantial everything is? Like, if you hadn't made ONE decision to go to a certain party, you never would've met your spouse. I think about this all the time. My life is full of circumstantial events that led me to the people that I love and the places that I am.

If my Young Women leaders hadn't advised me to go to the Recognition Dinner when I was 13, I wouldn't have met my best friend.
If my mom hadn't been SOOOO into TJEd when I was younger, I wouldn't have found Williamsburg Academy, and I wouldn't know ANY of these amazing people that I associate with.
If I hadn't been forced into going to YFF 2 years ago, I wouldn't have been led to meet so many people that have changed my life. In fact, I'm not even sure I would be alive. I also wouldn't have met my roommates.
If I hadn't been pressured into going to game night a few months ago, I wouldn't have met one of my best friends.

Outside forces. I didn't want to participate in any of those activities, but good things came from each and every one. I was put in uncomfortable situations that pushed me outside my comfort zone and I'm a better person for it, and I know amazing people that are such a blessing to me.

A bad day isn't a bad life. That's something I constantly have to remind myself. Just because I have days where I want to throw in the towel, doesn't mean that I have a bad life. In fact, I don't really have a right to be unhappy with my life. There are so many people with so much less than me. It doesn't really matter how unhappy I am, my life ain't half bad and I should be grateful for what I've got. I can whine and complain all I want. I can say "If I only lived in New Mexico still, I'd be happy" or "If I had my dog, I'd still be happy" or even "If I could just meet the person I'm supposed to marry, I'd be happy" and NONE of that would mean I could be happy. Was I happy in New Mexico? No. I had my dog earlier this year, and was I happy? No. I can either choose to be happy or not, no matter my circumstances.

That being sad, it's okay to have bad days. I think you're allowed to have a day when you sit in your bed in your pajamas, wallowing a little bit, and crying. It's okay to not always be happy. But then that day ends and you need to let that bad day be in the past. Still working on that last part.

Most of my posts don't make a lot of coherent sense, and that's probably because I let my mind wander as I write and I have a lot of conflicting opinions. I have flawed logic.

I guess my point is this. Everything is circumstantial. But what you choose to do with those circumstances is yours. You can have horrible circumstances but be incredibly happy, and vice versa. And that's where one of the biggest flaws of society is, in my opinion. A lot of people think that it's all circumstances. But it's not. You decide how you deal with those circumstances.

Have a good day, ya'll. Or have a bad day. It's up to you. Me? I'm gonna continue having a not-so-great day, and I'm gonna go get ice cream with my roommate.

Real talk

No matter how hard you try to convince someone of their worth, they won't believe it until they want to.

Return of the Awkward

Holla. I haven't done a Thursday post in a million years, so I made one for you.

The last one of these failed miserably. I apologize. From the very bottom of my apologetic organ.

Awkward:

This is one of those things that was so hilariously funny, and not at all awkward for me, but probably was for my wonderfully naive roommate.
Bonnie and I are at the gym last week, riding the little bike machines. The setting she had her bike was on was so that the difficulty level of the bike would change as she rode. So as we're biking, Bonnie loudly announces, "I'M EASY!" She was, of course, referring to the difficulty level on her bike. But I don't think any of the guys in the gym took it that way...

Another gym story. A few days ago, Bonnie and I are on the bike machines again. I had brought my iPod and so I'm jamming out to Macklemore and T-Swizzle (sorry, not sorry) and Bonnie, feeling left out, pulls her bike closer to mine, grabs the free earbud, and starts listening with me. It wasn't really awkward at all, but we got some hilariously wonderful looks.

Dang, it seems sorta like all I do is go to the gym. I swear, this is probably the last thing I'll mention about the gym. Probably. So, Bonnie and I had just finished our workout and we were in a room stretching. A man with huge biceps walks in, and the following conversation ensues:
Man: Are you guys doing the circuit workout?
Me: No.
Bonnie: We're just using this room cuz no one was in it.
Me: Are you doing the circuit workout?
Man: No. I just wanted to use this machine because it really isolates my biceps.
Bonnie: Oh hahahaha.
*silence for a few minutes as Bonnie and I continue stretching*
Man: Wow, you guys are so flexible.
Me: *silence*
Bonnie: Hahaha I used to be more flexible before I started running.
Man: Well you're way more flexible than I am.
Bonnie: I'd trade it for your arms!
Man: When I'm bored I hold my breath until I turn purple.
Okay, he didn't say that last bit. I just blocked him out and kept stretching. The very best part of this is that Bonnie didn't realize that he was hitting on us until later that night when about 50 people tried affirming that, yes, he was hitting on us.

I don't really know which section to put this in. It was incredibly funny, but it probably seems highly awkward to everyone that wasn't present. So it'll go in this section.
Last night I was at a friends house, and one of my friends sits down on the floor, cross legged, and informs us that he has a hole in the crotch of his pants. And then two of my other friends took turns throwing coins into the hole from the couch.

I was at said friends house a few nights ago. There was this guy, Conner, there. I was there for maybe 2 1/2 hours. Conner was there for the majority of that time. We got there at the same time.
Conner: It's nice to meet you, Aurora!
Me: I've met you before...
Conner: Not officially. I don't think we've ever spoken.
Me: I took pictures of you at the planetarium.
Conner: ....what?
Me: We've had this conversation before...like twice.
Conner: I don't remember this...
Me: You were at the planetarium with a bunch of girls and one other guy. And I took pictures for you guys at the moon.
Conner: ....no.
Me: Yeah. You handed me your phone and had me take pictures.
Conner: Crazy, I don't remember that.
I swear, this guy has short term memory loss. I left for about 20 minutes to make a phone call, and then came back inside. When Conner left, he stood up and shook hands with everyone, and then he got to me, and in all seriousness said, "Wait. Were you here the whole time? When did you get here?"
I guess I just have one of those faces, yo. Easily forgettable. ;)

I don't know whether to classify this as awkward or what...but one of my friends had a fire in their apartment complex last weekend. He called me 3 times within the course of 30 minutes to ask if he could come crash on my couch. And I woke up every time he called. But because he didn't call from his phone, I didn't answer. I had dreams for a few nights after that that people were calling me because they were in serious situations and needed help.

About 3 weeks ago, there was a really dumb dance for our ward. A friend of mine from Provo came to visit for the dance. Part way through the night he met a girl and spent a good bit of the rest of the evening with her. I left the dance a bit early and went to hang out with some friends. My roommates went out with friends after the dance and I ended up being home first. So I went to bed at a reasonable hour(okay, 2:30 isn't that reasonable). About an hour later I hear Bonnie come home. And she's conversing with a guy.
Bonnie: Shh, we don't want to wake up Aurora.
Guy: Is she awake?
Me: YES SHE'S AWAKE.
*lots of laughing*
Me: Shut the eff up, guys, I'm sleeping.
Guy: Hey Aurora.
Me: WHAT THE CRAP, BONNIE?!
*more laughing*
Me: Bonnie, this isn't funny. Who the crap is that?
*more laughing*
Me: Bonnie, what the actual poop. I never bring guys over this late.
*more laughing*
Guy: It's just Spencer.
Me: REALLY, BONNIE?!
Guy: And Daniel. And Austin.
Me: BONNIE WHAT THE POOP.
*more laughing*
Me: You brought 3 FRICKIN GUYS OVER AT THIS UNGODLY HOUR?!
Bonnie: No no it's only one guy.
At this point I got up and walked over there. It was my friend Daniel, from Provo, and he had a very valid excuse for being there. He had to crash on our couch cuz he was locked out of his car. And then I felt so so so bad for yelling at them. They both thought it was hilarious so that's good. The lesson we learn from this is to not wake Aurora up. Ever.


Awesome:

Today in class, as our teacher discussed when our paper was due (at midnight) he said something along the lines of "please don't do this right before midnight" and then said, "You don't write well under the influence of diet coke" and I thought it was really funny.

Monday was my friend Anela's birthday, yes? Guys she's 18 and an adult and everything is wonderful. The whole night was a huge adventure. See, I wanted to surprise her. I went to go visit her, but I didn't want to tell her that. So I told her that my friend was driving to Provo that night and that he would stop by Saratoga Springs to drop off a package. He was originally going to make the trip with me, but I ended up going alone. So. I'm driving to her house. Now, it's important to know that I am absolutely horrible with directions. So I was doing really really well and I was just a few miles from her house and I got lost. I missed the turnoff into her neighborhood and I kept going. After a while I caved and called her to ask for directions. But I didn't want her to know that it was me going. So, I prayed that she wouldn't hear the driving noises.
Me: Hey girl. So Austin is on his way to your house. And he's lost. He was supposed to turn at *street name* and now he's at *street name*. How far is he?
Anela: Okay. Uhm. Let me pull it up on my computer. Okay, if he's at *street name* then he went wayyy too far.
Me: I knew it. Gah, he's so dumb. Okay, where does he need to go? Should he turn back around?
Anela: He should turn back and then turn on *street name* and then *street name* and then my street,which is *street name*.
Me: Okay, I'm texting him as I'm talking to you, and he says he's at *street name*.
Anela: Do you have access to a computer?
Me: Nope. I uh, my computer is dead. And my roommate is using hers and won't let me use it.
Anela: *something snarky and funny that I don't 100% remember*
Me: Hahaha yeah. Okay. I'm gonna call Austin and tell him where to go and then I'll call you back after he drops the package off.
A few minutes later I got lost again and had to call her again and ask which house was hers. I finally get there and she opens the door and flips out. She must've been super tired to not have picked up on the fact that I was the one coming to visit her. But guys it was so so nice to get to see her and we had the best of conversations and it was just the best thing ever. Also, I'd like to apologize to Austin for continuously calling him dumb as I drove to Anela's house. That was probably the funniest part. Cuz seriously, I kept saying "Oh my goodness, he is so dumb. Why can't he find it? Seriously, he's gotta be so dumb." Sorry bro.

My mom sent me some stuff that I really super needed this week, so that was super awesome.

Speaking of my family, they came to visit me a few weeks ago. And besides it being the highlight of the month, I got free groceries. AND a rose. My dad came to my apartment at some point over the weekend that they were here. And there is a rose bush right outside my apartment. So he picked a rose off and brought it to my mom. And then when they went back home, he gave it to me. Which I think is really funny because it came from my own rose garden...BUT what's really awesome is that it still hasn't totally died. And it's been almost two weeks.

Brooke was able to come visit me about 3 weeks ago. Guys, it was so great to see her. I've missed her so so much.

My roommate, Bonnie, is a vegetarian. And she's out of town for the weekend. SO I get to eat all the meat I want to. Woohoo.

Everything else mildly funny or interesting that has happened to me in the past little while is even more boring than all this. So I'll be keeping all that to myself.

Even tho I get to eat bunches of meat this weekend, I'm still real sad that Bonnie isn't here. So here's a picture of Bonnie and I. Good luck to her with her marathon this weekend!!

Let's lie away our feelings, yeah?

If I come up to you and tell you you're beautiful, it makes you feel good, yeah? And if I were to come up and say you were ugly, it would have the opposite effect, yeah?

I was having a conversation with a close friend last week and self-esteem came up. Before I moved to Utah I had a pretty convincing persona of being confident. And then I moved and that persona was shattered. Hey, I'm a teenage girl. Do you really expect me to be happy and confident all the time? If you do, you can please go give yourself a bath in the toilet.

This friend and I got pretty deep into self-esteem. And by this, I mean he got pretty deep into self-esteem and I listened, because I have a super hard time opening up to people and conversing about important things before I trust them a whole hecka lot. But I'm super good at listening, so it all works, ya know?

There is a huge difference between self-esteem and just esteem. I hate it when people say "this is your self-esteem boost for the day". Because the act of THEM giving me that boost is nice, but it's not self-esteem. That would imply that it's coming from myself. Which is what self-esteem is. Relying solely on other peoples' opinions for your self-esteem means that you don't have good self-esteem. Because no matter how much other people like you, if you don't like yourself, you're screwed. Sorry bro. That's life.

So this goes hand in hand with confidence. If you're confident in yourself, you've got self-esteem. No matter what anyone says to you you can still smile and know you're a good person.

Guys, I'm 18. I'm not as old as I'd like to be. I'm young and still a teenager. So, yeah, my self-esteem is not at a high point. And since moving, it's pretty dang low. BUT that's something I need to fix for myself. And that's not really a concept I'd really thought about too deeply. Being confident sucks, cuz it takes way less effort to just rely on other peoples opinions. That's a miserable option, but definitely easier. And hey, I'm sick of that.

My name is Aurora Eliza Fackrell. I'm insecure about the size of my hands and the sounds my stomach makes. I wish I was a few inches shorter, so I slouch a lot. I hate the way my legs look so much, I almost never allow people to see them. I swear sometimes. I'm an awkward individual and I'm not actually okay with it. I'm afraid to assert my opinion on others. I don't like to speak up. I let people walk all over me because I'm afraid of rejection. I play off my feelings like they're nothing, even when they're eating me up. And I ignore peoples' attempts to talk about my feelings/try to make me feel better, because I don't want to inconvenience them. My best friend for the whole of 2013 has been my dog. My name is Aurora Fackrell, and I have flaws. And I'm working towards being okay with these flaws. If you wanna judge me for these things, be my guest.

Really missing my puppy right about now. 

Someone needs to put a toaster in Krissi's oven...

Bonnie says it's been too long since I last posted. And since she's apparently my mother now, I guess I better post.

So Saturday morning Bonnie and Mariah, my roommates, wake up and decide that they're going to St. George for the weekend. They invited me but I had work that evening so I opted out. They left and all was well. For about two hours. See, they wrote this nice little note on our whiteboard:

This is where it gets funny, depending on how you look at it.

So, I work at 3, right? It's about 2:15 or so, so I decide to make some food because chances are my lunch break won't be until 7 or so (I was right). Because I'm fat, I decided to make some french fries. So I turn the oven on to 350, and then start scrubbing and cutting potatoes. I get almost done with my potato cutting when I notice the oven is smelling worse than usual. It usually smells like gas, because it's really old. So I didn't really think it was weird. But it was smelling REALLY BAD. So I turn around, and there are flames coming out of the broiler. So I go turn off the oven and I stand back and look at it for a second. Then I call my sister, thinking that maybe I could put it out somehow, ya know? Well she instructs me to call 911 STAT (she's super smart). They're there super fast, the fire didn't spread. The oven was toast (you'll get why that's funny in a minute) and the linoleum under the oven is a bit melted and charred.

One of the nice firemen asked me if I'd left a pot holder or paper towel in the oven, because that would make sense. And I told him no, really there was NOTHING in the oven.

He comes back a few minutes later kind of laughing. And says, "So, it wasn't a pot holder. Someone put a toaster in the oven." I abruptly stopped crying and just said, "I'm gonna kill my roommate." and the firemen all laughed kinda nervously and asked me to please not kill my roommate.

Sorry for all the crappy pictures, I was too lazy to get my camera out for all these. You can see the toaster in the broiler if you look close enough.

It's pretty funny now. When it happened I was so mad and so upset. It like, ruined my day.

Soot got everywhere. Like everywhere. I spent 2 hours scrubbing ash off the kitchen floor on Monday. There is ash in literally every room of the apartment. Still. We'll touch something and then realize there's ash on it. Exhibit A.

This is Rachel. With the ash on her face from my screen door. She looks really hot but she doesn't believe me and it's not because I hate her, which is what she believes, but really I really really love her a lot.

Also, yesterday I got a package from my mama.

It made me really happy. Like a lot. Lots of food. :)

And here are some pictures of me and Bonnie because she's my mom now apparently. (Just kidding I love my mom more sorry)

College life is good yo.

Bucket List

I am a strong believer in goals. And not only in goals, but in the fact that we should always be working towards something.

I have always had a bucket list. Ever since I was 10 and didn't know it was called a bucket list. My list then consisted of meeting about every Disney star ever, and riding a train. I have since ridden a train and lost interest in Disney stars.

I am on my 4th or 5th revision since my first list 8 years ago. Some of the things on the list are things that I am actually working towards, others are things that, although it would be cool to complete them, they're there more for fun, not really because I'm working towards them. Some of them are goals that will be taken off as I outgrow them. And some of them are personal goals.

I'm posting this because I like being understood, and this is one of those things, like someones movie collection and key ring, that really help you see who they are.

I just really like having organized lists, okay?

So, some of the items on my list will not be included, just because they're more personal. I'll just leave an empty number there.

No judging, yo.

1. Get in a taxi and yell "follow that car!"
2.
3. Change someone's life.
4. Go to London.
5.
6. Ride a horse on the beach.
7. Go to an airport and buy tickets for a random flight.
8. Write something in wet cement (handprints when I was 6 don't count)
9. Send a message in a bottle.
10. Cover the entire driveway with chalk.
11.
12. Publish a book.
13. Eat spaghetti like in Lady and the Tramp.
14. Propose to a stranger with a ring pop.
15. Travel around the world with someone I love.
16.
17. Throw a dart at a map and travel where it lands.
18. Ride an Elephant.
19. Marry my best friend in the Manti Temple.
20. Sleep under the stars (completed 8/15/2013)
21. Ride a dolphin.
22. Make melted crayon art.
23. See a broadway play.
24. Hang a lock on the love bridge in Paris.
25. Become a professional photographer.
26. Be on an episode of Doctor Who.
27.
28. Be in two places at once.
29. Go on a road trip with no destination.
30. Run the Disney Princess Marathon .
31. Play hide and seek in IKEA.
32. Work as a Disney Princess.
33. Have all my grandparents at my wedding.
34. Set foot on all 7 continents.
35. Learn how to surf.
36. Catch the bride's bouquet.
37. Learn how to longboard.
38. See the Aurora Borealis.
39. Go to the Doctor Who Experience in Cardiff.
40. Go to the San Diego Comic Con.
41. Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
42. Hold a baby lion.
43. Learn how to tie a tie.
44. Ride a mattress down the stairs.
45. Experience a White Christmas.
46. (completed 6/16/11)
47. Visit a nutelleria.
48. Visit the bookstore dressed as Belle.
49. Own a black dog named Sirius or Padfoot.
50. Go to Boston in the Fall.
51. Sleep on the beach.
52. Visit a castle.
53. Be a guest on Ellen.
54. Visit Hogwarts Castle.
55. Take Pictures at "Lake Silencio".
56. Go zorbing.
57. Go skydiving.
58. Ride a Hot Air Balloon.
59. Go to Disney Land.
60. Lay in the middle of the road at night like in the Notebook.
61. Kiss a dolphin.
62. Go to Time Square.
63. Sing in the rain with someone I love.
64. Go to a masquerade party.
65. See the Roman Collosseum.
66. Bungee Jump.
67. Straddle the equator.
68. Straddle the Prime Meridian.
69. Go on the Color Run.
70. Go to India.
71.
72. Study Abroad.
73. Photograph a wedding.
74. Run a Marathon.
75. Visit Niagara Falls.
76. Go to a temple in every US state.
77. Visit the Caribbean.
78. Ride a gondola in Venice.
79. Meet Benedict Cumberbatch and tell him that he floats my boat.
80. Be on the radio.
81. Go to Stonehenge.
82. Be in a movie.
83. Zipline in Costa Rica.
84. Drop a watermelon off a building.
85. Learn how to juggle.
86. Make an adventure book like in Up.
87. Cosplay as Doctor Who Character.
88. Ride the highest roller coaster.
89. Have a shaving cream fight.
90. See Mount Rushmore.
91. Feel David Tennant's hair.
92. Go on an LDS Mission.
93.
94. Meet JK Rowling.
95. Knit a sweater.
96. Go to all the Smithsonian museums.
97. Go to the Olympics.
98. Learn Sign Language.
99. Become Fluent in another language.
100. Pee in every ocean.
101. Make cotton candy.
102. Climb K2.


So, you may have learned a lot from this list. I'm a hopeless romantic, I love to travel. A lot of the things on there, I'm afraid to do. But I want to do them nonetheless.

The ones that weren't included just didn't feel like things I wanted on the internet for the whole world to look at and criticize. Those things will be shared with people that I'd like to share with as I feel necessary. It's good to have personal goals, yes?

Moving slow and moving out

 As you all know, I moved. If you don't know that, please refer to the last million posts where I referred to moving. And then weep because you're not my roommate. And then weep because you feel bad for my roommates.

Today I went to the wrong class on accident and sat for 3 hours wanting to take the apple from my roommate because I was so hungry. So I guess you could say that school has started off with a bang.

Moving is hard but it's also fun. Well, the aftermath is fun. I love living so close to the temple, it's like the BEST thing. I can sit outside on my porch and look at it while I eat Second Breakfast.

My roommate, Bonnie, likes putting her feet on people and I think it's funny.

I spend so much of my time with my sister and her husband and I really love that. In fact, my roommate, Bonnie, thought that Dustan was my brother, like by blood. We thought it was pretty funny.

I miss my dog. Anyone that goes and sees him, please give him a kiss for me and tell him I love him and that I'll see him for Christmas.

Now, here's the real reason for this post.

So this post is long overdue. Last year, right before Finals began before Christmas, I decided that I would redo my bedroom as a reward for finishing finals. So, that's what I did. My mom and I talked colors, and I scoured pinterest for ideas, came up with a few of my own, and then the following pictures was the result. I meant to post these in January but my room was never clean enough...haha...and when I moved, my bedroom became sadly clean. And now this wonderful bedroom is the guest room. So if you ever wish to spend the night at my house in New Mexico, expect to stay in the coolest bedroom EVER.

K, this is the coolest thing ever. This is a section of the 4th Harry Potter book, right before the second task. That's my favorite book and it mentioned Dobby, who is my favoritest, so it had to be that part. It took me 30+ hours to paint that. Bam.

Although I'd like to take 100% credit for this, Rachel painted Tink there.

Again, I'd like to take the credit..but I can't. Rachel is the artist in the family, not me. When she visited for Christmas she painted this. Just so you know placement wise, this is flying over my wardrobe. 

Yeah, this is a TARDIS. Yeah it took me like, 15+ hours to make. Thank goodness for little sisters who will hold levels and help you make straight lings with painters tape and don't even get that mad when you rub paint on their pants. 

This is my sock drawer. And it's way cooler than your sock drawer. When my dad saw it for the first time he looked at me quizzically and then said "Who's the Master?" I then went into an indepth explanation of who The Master is, a Timelord from Doctor Who. And then I realized he was referring to the dresser and I had to again explain indepth the rold of the house elf. He hasn't asked me anything concerning my room since. ;) 

This is French for "Let's Go!" It also happens to be the Tenth Doctors catchphrase. 

Dumble-door. Get it? GET IT?! Okay I think it's really funny...

So yeah, my new bedroom is about a million times less cool, but I'm sure that my roommates appreciate that at least somewhat.

Holla.