Sacrifice for love

There are a lot of things in life that can't be explained. I'm an explainer, or a fixer. I like to make sure everyone fully understands things, is totally prepared, before they begin something.

Because of this innate tendency, the last week has been especially hard.

Sometimes you're faced with a decision so immense, so crucial, that the weight of it keeps you up at night sobbing, the air in you lungs feels strange, like it shouldn't be there, and you can only think, "someone else will come take this responsibility."

But no one does. It's part of growing up. There comes a point in your life when you can no longer expect those responsible for you to take on your burdens and make your decisions for you. There comes a time where you have to go beyond what you're capable.

This past week, I had to make the hardest decision of my life. It's a decision that's been eating away at me for months. Almost a year. It's been a constant battle inside of me. Do I do the obviously RIGHT thing, or do I do the easier thing? The right thing causes pain for multiple parties. The easy thing causes no pain for me. But it causes a great deal of pain for someone I care deeply for.

This past week I put the inner battle aside and faced my fears. My fears of loss, of being hated, and abandonment.

Friday morning I had the hardest conversation of my life. I said things I didn't want to say. My brain was SCREAMING. at me to shut up. To say, "April fools everything is fine". But I couldn't. A conversation quickly went from "How is it being a new adult?" to "this is really serious". As I hung up the phone I was holding back tears, my mom hugging me as I gave in and started sobbing. She assured me that I'd done the right thing. I knew I had, but you just feel so bad. I betrayed someone's trust so utterly and completely, as a trade for their safety. Safety they didn't know they were missing.

Moments after I'd calmed down, my greatest fears were confirmed, the effects had started, the hatred set into place. My mom had turned around for a moment, to put away laundry. I fell to the ground, a choked scream escaping my throat, the tears coming down my face in a waterfall.

I cried the rest of the day and into the night.

This was a very painful experience. Although I wish I could change the outcome, I don't regret the decision I made. Because I *know* that I was put in this persons life for a reason. Not only as a source of comfort, for the both of us, over the past few years, but to save her. To save her from the fate that was waiting her. To be her only friend brave enough to put my foot down and say, "this isn't okay".

I lost my best friend on Friday. And not a day has gone past that I don't break down in tears. There is nothing I have ever done that's harder, no one I've mourned over more, than my best friend.

Sometimes we have to make hard decisions. A decision to put aside the comfort of a friendship for someone else's well being. To say, "I love you more than me. I love you SO much that I'll sacrifice my happiness for yours." And sure, that happiness isn't immediate. But it's coming.

There is nothing worse than the loss of your best friend. Ever. To know that there is ONE person on the planet that you could say ANYTHING to, and not get judged, the one person you don't compare yourself to, the one person you love more than yourself, to know they hate you...it is the most heart wrenching feeling.

Sometimes there are decisions that seem impossible to take on. Decisions so immense that you scream for someone to lift them off. But once you stop AVOIDING that decision, the ball begins rolling. Things begin changing, improving. And someday down the road, I hope with all my heart that she can look back and say, "I am so grateful for what she did for me." And hey, if she can't, I don't blame her. But I know that I've done what I can to make her life better and that's all I can hope my friends would do for me.