Okay, so, I got a really great response for my last post. It seriously made me feel so so good to hear all that positive feedback. I worked on that post for a few days, so it seriously melted my heart(in the best way possible) to hear all that. Thanks for boosting my ego, ya'll. ;)
I'm currently working on another post that probably won't even be that great, but, in the meantime, here's a list for you that's not even very impressive:
1. It's okay to completely change your plans.
2. It's okay to have a crappy retail job until you get your footing.
3. You (probably) won't marry your first boyfriend into college. That's okay.
4. You can't let anyone else tell you how you're feeling.
5. It's okay to spend a little bit of time trying to figure out who you are, what you believe, how you wanna present yourself.
6. You'll get homesick.
7. Your mom is one of the best people you'll ever know.
8. You don't have to go on pity dates with everyone who asks you.
9. It's okay to cry in the shower.
10. You're gonna want to fold your laundry, or else your roommates might hate you.
11. It's okay to have a day every once in a while to mope around and do nothing.
12. Prioritizing isn't just a myth your mama told you about. You really need to do that stuff.
13. Don't dismiss people right away. Give everyone time to prove themselves.
14. That being said, you don't have to continue spending time with someone who you seriously don't like that you've given a fair chance.
15. It's important to be yourself. Always.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
We weren't meant to work out
In a parallel universe, maybe we grew up together.
Maybe we were neighbors.
Or we were in the same primary class. Maybe you would hold my hand during class, or blow me kisses in the hallway, to be later reprimanded by your mother.
When we were 8, we'd meet on the street adjacent to our houses, and we'd ride our bikes up and down the street, laughing as we'd almost run into each other. And afterwards we'd race up and down the dirt hill behind my house.
As we grew older, into our teen years, we'd lay on the trampoline in your backyard, laughing as we pointed out made-up constellations.
I would've been there for you when girls broke your heart, and you would've let me cry on your shoulder when boys broke mine.
I would've been the friend that you called when your anxiety got bad, or your parents were fighting, and you needed a confidant.
Maybe, somewhere in those confusing years, is when we would've fallen in love.
You and me, walking home, hand in hand. My parents telling you not to keep me out so late. You apologizing, but giving my hand a squeeze saying that it was worth it. My younger siblings adoring you, jumping on you and swinging from your neck whenever you walked through the front door. You'd be invited over for family dinner on a regular basis. My mom would think you're hilarious, my dad would love your motivation.
You'd go on your mission, and I'd still be here, two years later, waiting.
You'd meet my grandparents, and my grandma would fret over how skinny you were, and my grandpa would find someway to embarrass you. My brothers-in-law would ask when you were joining the family, and we'd laugh it off, answering with snarky comments, but really we'd both be wondering the same thing.
When you finally popped the question, it would've been just the kind of thing that perfectly defined us and our relationship.
We would get married young, by some standards, but it would be just perfect for us. We'd struggle to make ends meet, as we tried to follow your dreams, and to follow mine as well. But no matter how hard it got, we'd still love each other, still want to make it work.
Can you imagine how adorable our babies would be? They'd get my nose, your eyes. They'd get your drive, my creativity. We'd take them to the park and watch them run around on their fat little legs, bringing dandelions and pebbles to us with grins on their faces, proud of their finds. We'd cuddle up on the couch with our 5 little sleepy kiddos and watch the same Disney Movies we'd watched when we were their age, reminiscing in the years we'd known. We'd climb into bed at night, exhausted, but so in love with the little family that we were raising.
We'd get old, your hair would start to fall out, maybe mine would too. Our kids would grow up, move out, and cause our remaining hair to go grey from the stress of it all. But we'd still love each other. I'd still look at you every morning and think that you were the most handsome man that I'd ever met. Because you would be.
We'd celebrate the milestones together. 25 years, 50, 60, together. Not many couples make it that far, but we did.
We'd make it through everything, every fight, every poopy diaper, every distressed teenager, because we loved each other. Our end goal would remain the same, our love would become somehow stronger, and we'd last through it all.
Sometimes I imagine a world, only slightly different than the one you and I live in now. I imagine a world where, this isn't just a line of thought, but it's a reality. It's a world where we worked out.
But it's not.
That world is a few tracks off from the one you and I are living in.
We are not in that world. You are not with me. I can imagine, for a few blissful moments, that it's so. And those 10 minutes of fantasy will be beautiful. But then I'll wake up, return to the real world, and face every day without you, knowing what could've been.
The truth is, we weren't meant to work out like that. You weren't meant to grow up down the street from me. My grandma wasn't meant to fuss over you. You weren't meant to have a strong bond with my little brother, and an even stronger one with my baby sister. You weren't meant to live out your days on this earth with me.
You were meant for someone else.
Maybe you and I could've survived through the coming obstacles. But maybe not. And maybe that's the sole reason that life didn't play out like this, that life took a drastic track change, out of the blue. Because for some reason, I'd have challenges you couldn't help me with. And there were things that I wouldn't be able to help you with. And we'd both have to struggle independently. And that's not how a relationship works.
I know that that's not how things worked.
I know that this is how things are working now.
I know it, I just have to accept it.
Maybe we were neighbors.
Or we were in the same primary class. Maybe you would hold my hand during class, or blow me kisses in the hallway, to be later reprimanded by your mother.
When we were 8, we'd meet on the street adjacent to our houses, and we'd ride our bikes up and down the street, laughing as we'd almost run into each other. And afterwards we'd race up and down the dirt hill behind my house.
As we grew older, into our teen years, we'd lay on the trampoline in your backyard, laughing as we pointed out made-up constellations.
I would've been there for you when girls broke your heart, and you would've let me cry on your shoulder when boys broke mine.
I would've been the friend that you called when your anxiety got bad, or your parents were fighting, and you needed a confidant.
Maybe, somewhere in those confusing years, is when we would've fallen in love.
You and me, walking home, hand in hand. My parents telling you not to keep me out so late. You apologizing, but giving my hand a squeeze saying that it was worth it. My younger siblings adoring you, jumping on you and swinging from your neck whenever you walked through the front door. You'd be invited over for family dinner on a regular basis. My mom would think you're hilarious, my dad would love your motivation.
You'd go on your mission, and I'd still be here, two years later, waiting.
You'd meet my grandparents, and my grandma would fret over how skinny you were, and my grandpa would find someway to embarrass you. My brothers-in-law would ask when you were joining the family, and we'd laugh it off, answering with snarky comments, but really we'd both be wondering the same thing.
When you finally popped the question, it would've been just the kind of thing that perfectly defined us and our relationship.
We would get married young, by some standards, but it would be just perfect for us. We'd struggle to make ends meet, as we tried to follow your dreams, and to follow mine as well. But no matter how hard it got, we'd still love each other, still want to make it work.
Can you imagine how adorable our babies would be? They'd get my nose, your eyes. They'd get your drive, my creativity. We'd take them to the park and watch them run around on their fat little legs, bringing dandelions and pebbles to us with grins on their faces, proud of their finds. We'd cuddle up on the couch with our 5 little sleepy kiddos and watch the same Disney Movies we'd watched when we were their age, reminiscing in the years we'd known. We'd climb into bed at night, exhausted, but so in love with the little family that we were raising.
We'd get old, your hair would start to fall out, maybe mine would too. Our kids would grow up, move out, and cause our remaining hair to go grey from the stress of it all. But we'd still love each other. I'd still look at you every morning and think that you were the most handsome man that I'd ever met. Because you would be.
We'd celebrate the milestones together. 25 years, 50, 60, together. Not many couples make it that far, but we did.
We'd make it through everything, every fight, every poopy diaper, every distressed teenager, because we loved each other. Our end goal would remain the same, our love would become somehow stronger, and we'd last through it all.
Sometimes I imagine a world, only slightly different than the one you and I live in now. I imagine a world where, this isn't just a line of thought, but it's a reality. It's a world where we worked out.
But it's not.
That world is a few tracks off from the one you and I are living in.
We are not in that world. You are not with me. I can imagine, for a few blissful moments, that it's so. And those 10 minutes of fantasy will be beautiful. But then I'll wake up, return to the real world, and face every day without you, knowing what could've been.
The truth is, we weren't meant to work out like that. You weren't meant to grow up down the street from me. My grandma wasn't meant to fuss over you. You weren't meant to have a strong bond with my little brother, and an even stronger one with my baby sister. You weren't meant to live out your days on this earth with me.
You were meant for someone else.
Maybe you and I could've survived through the coming obstacles. But maybe not. And maybe that's the sole reason that life didn't play out like this, that life took a drastic track change, out of the blue. Because for some reason, I'd have challenges you couldn't help me with. And there were things that I wouldn't be able to help you with. And we'd both have to struggle independently. And that's not how a relationship works.
I know that that's not how things worked.
I know that this is how things are working now.
I know it, I just have to accept it.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Who's to say my ankles are fat?
It seems like no matter how confident a person you are, there are always going to be those people that try to tear you down. It could be something small and insignificant. It could be something big. And for some people, the more confident, they can let that insult roll right off of them, and continue to be the wonderful people that they are, untainted.
And I'm jealous of those people.
Because I fall in a different category of people. The people that let those snide comments stick to them like gum sticks to the bottom of a picnic table. The longer those mean words are in the mind, the harder it is to remove them, just like the gum(gross analogy, I know. Bear with me).
Everyone has insecurities, small or large. If you let those insecurities hold you back, well, you'll miss out on a lot of things.
I'm one of those people that's held on to every little mindless remark. And then I let other insecurities stem off of them. Oh, I have a really dry nose? Officially obsessed with that fact.
And that's so dumb. Why should I care if I have dry skin on my nose? Why should ANYBODY care? The answer is, simply, I'm the only one that cares. On the off chance that someone even NOTICES, they're just going to dismiss it, because they're not going to care. It's a little dry skin, whatever, next observation, please. When you focus on an insecurity, you're the only one noticing. You're the only one grieving over the fact that your voice is a little bit gravelly, even though you're a girl. Seriously. You're the only one who notices.
And your insecurities? Other people find them endearing, cute, even. Sometimes those are the things people love about you? Yeah, I love that you have a gap between your teeth. Yeah, I love that you pick all your nail polish off within a day of painting your nails. Yeah, I love that your eyebrows are uneven. Yeah, I love that you can eat as much, if not more, than the average growing male. Someone out there loves those things you're beating yourself up over. So cut it out, and learn to love yourself.
That being said. I have an incredibly hard time accepting my faults. And I know I've done posts similar to this one before, so I'm sorry if this is a little bit too repetitive for you. If you're getting annoyed, please bathe yourself in the nearest toilet. I assure you that you'll be a lot more tolerant of my ramblings after doing so.
This post is basically helping me accept my faults, my insecurities. I'm letting you guys see some of them. I'm a beautiful, worthwhile human being. I shouldn't be beating myself up over tiny, temporal flaws, but rather, loving myself the way God made me.
No hate. This was a hard post for me to write, a hard picture for me to post. I'm putting this out there for me, so I can accept myself.
And hey. I love you, random citizen.
And I'm jealous of those people.
Because I fall in a different category of people. The people that let those snide comments stick to them like gum sticks to the bottom of a picnic table. The longer those mean words are in the mind, the harder it is to remove them, just like the gum(gross analogy, I know. Bear with me).
Everyone has insecurities, small or large. If you let those insecurities hold you back, well, you'll miss out on a lot of things.
I'm one of those people that's held on to every little mindless remark. And then I let other insecurities stem off of them. Oh, I have a really dry nose? Officially obsessed with that fact.
And that's so dumb. Why should I care if I have dry skin on my nose? Why should ANYBODY care? The answer is, simply, I'm the only one that cares. On the off chance that someone even NOTICES, they're just going to dismiss it, because they're not going to care. It's a little dry skin, whatever, next observation, please. When you focus on an insecurity, you're the only one noticing. You're the only one grieving over the fact that your voice is a little bit gravelly, even though you're a girl. Seriously. You're the only one who notices.
And your insecurities? Other people find them endearing, cute, even. Sometimes those are the things people love about you? Yeah, I love that you have a gap between your teeth. Yeah, I love that you pick all your nail polish off within a day of painting your nails. Yeah, I love that your eyebrows are uneven. Yeah, I love that you can eat as much, if not more, than the average growing male. Someone out there loves those things you're beating yourself up over. So cut it out, and learn to love yourself.
That being said. I have an incredibly hard time accepting my faults. And I know I've done posts similar to this one before, so I'm sorry if this is a little bit too repetitive for you. If you're getting annoyed, please bathe yourself in the nearest toilet. I assure you that you'll be a lot more tolerant of my ramblings after doing so.
This post is basically helping me accept my faults, my insecurities. I'm letting you guys see some of them. I'm a beautiful, worthwhile human being. I shouldn't be beating myself up over tiny, temporal flaws, but rather, loving myself the way God made me.
No hate. This was a hard post for me to write, a hard picture for me to post. I'm putting this out there for me, so I can accept myself.
And hey. I love you, random citizen.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
The unspoken word
Sometimes I'm bad with words. So I'll let others do the talking for me.
Wide Awake ~ Katy Perry
Breathe ~ Taylor Swift
If You Ever Come Back ~ The Script
Keep Your Head Up ~ Andy Grammar
Come In With The Rain ~ Taylor Swift
Bad News ~ Kanye West
The Hardest Part ~ Coldplay
Suddenly I See ~ KT Tunstall
I Almost Do ~ Taylor Swift
Coldest Winter ~ Kanye West
Wrecking Ball ~ Miley Cyrus
Rolling in the Deep ~ Adele
Wide Awake ~ Katy Perry
Breathe ~ Taylor Swift
If You Ever Come Back ~ The Script
Keep Your Head Up ~ Andy Grammar
Come In With The Rain ~ Taylor Swift
Bad News ~ Kanye West
The Hardest Part ~ Coldplay
Suddenly I See ~ KT Tunstall
I Almost Do ~ Taylor Swift
Coldest Winter ~ Kanye West
Wrecking Ball ~ Miley Cyrus
Rolling in the Deep ~ Adele
Monday, December 30, 2013
Knock you down
Sometimes you've just gotta take the hand that you got dealt and do the best you can. And sometimes, that hand is great. But for the most part, you get sucky hands dealt to you. And that's just life. You have to buck up, put on your best poker face, and pretend everything's okay.
Everything's not always gonna be okay. But it also won't always be bad. You'll hit a super low, rough patch. But eventually, you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Hopefully.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
But who's fault is it, really?
Have you ever considered that maybe you lead yourself on the most? It's not always the other person behind all of your heartbreak. Some of it, maybe. But certainly not all of it. You start imagining yourself with that person, imagining a future, things you can do together, and you've lead yourself on. You've put yourself in a position where you now expect something much more than the other party was ready to give you, because you lead yourself on.
I'm guilty of this. On so many accounts. It's not something you can just prevent or stop. It's not a conscious decision. But one day, you'll realize that you've put yourself in this position and there's no going back. And you continue leading yourself on, because it's harder to stop. And so you just keep digging yourself deeper and deeper into this hole of despair.
And it's your fault.
I don't think a lot of people realize the lack of a choice there is behind this. I don't think any miserable person thinks, "Ya know, I'd really like to lead myself on and imagine my life with this person that is no longer in my life. Yeah. Sounds good." and it's not even a conscious decision to think about said person. It just happens, the end, no exceptions.
We lead ourselves on more than others lead us on. We imagine feelings and situations that aren't there. You can say, "I think he broke up with his girlfriend, I think he's available" as much as you want, and you'll start to believe, start to hope. And then you'll have something confirm that you're wrong, or something you've been ignoring will become more self evident, and you'll be hit with this wall of despair. And it's not their fault.
It's yours.
We get ourselves in these situations. No one else did. And now that you're in this situation, you just have to deal with it. You have to deal with the fruitless hoping, and then the crash afterwards. And that's just life.
Because we lead ourselves on.
And I say this simply because we need to stop blaming others for our pain. We can't be mad at someone else because we're stuck on them. That person is doing NOTHING to keep you feeling those things. Their existence in the past is all that it takes, and now it's too late.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Nothing is skin deep
"You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful, and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick? Then there's other people, when you meet them you think, "Not bad, they're okay," and then you get to know them and...and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality's written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful."
I was talking to one of the teachers at my school this morning after my Oral Exam was over. We started talking about my roommates and how we'd gotten through the first few months of living together. We spent a good 20-30 minutes talking about expectations, love languages, personality types, and communication. And right before I left I said something along the lines of, "I'm so blessed to have the roommates that I have. I've grown to love them way more than I ever expected to."
As you get to know someone, your vision of them evolves. If I look back at memories of my roommates when I first met them 4 months ago, the people that they seem to be are entirely different.
When I saw them before, I saw them as a stranger saw them. I saw Mariah's blonde hair, positive attitude, and sweet smile. I saw Bonnie's short 5'2" body, her bubbly/giggly personality, and huge eyes. 4 months later, I see such entirely different things when I see them. Because we've gone through so much. Those girls were incredibly beautiful when I met them. But to me, they are so much more beautiful. I've seen them cry, pee their pants laughing, stuffing their faces, seen the conflicts with family members, watched them struggle with school. And, somehow more importantly, they've seen me through the same things. They've seen me get my heart broken, heard me swear(sorry girls), had to endure me talking about my boyfriend for hours on end, seen me shove 21 grapes in my mouth(multiple times).
When I look at Mariah, I still see her blonde hair, her sweet smile, her positive attitude. But now I see the reason for that attitude. I see how in love she is with the gospel. I see how devoted she is to those that she loves. I see her for a fraction of the amazing woman that she is. When I look at Bonnie, I still see her curly brown hair, huge eyes, giggles, and tiny body. But now I see the huge personality to go with that tiny body. I see what a strength she is to all those around her. I see her for the comfort I've seen her give almost anyone that's walked through our doors. I see her for her automatic acceptance and love for everyone she meets. I see a glimpse of the wonderful person she is.
I can't imagine seeing these girls any other way. They've become so incredibly beautiful to me, somehow moreso than when we first met.
I didn't mean to turn this into a roommate appreciation post. But, I seriously love my roommates. They've been there with me during my absolute darkest days. They've seen me through so much, and refrained from judging. They've wiped my tears, rolled their eyes at my lame tractor jokes, and listened patiently as I get off on HUGE tangents when I tell stories(Really. You needed to know which direction Midway is).
People are so beautiful. There is not an ugly person out there. You just have to look past the surface to see how incredibly beautiful everyone is. This is definitely something I need to work on. I see people, judge them, and then dismiss them. The last few months have definitely taught me the value of getting to know people and looking past what is blatantly obvious. I want people to give me that same chance. I don't want people to see me, think I'm not worth their time, and pass over me. If I see the beauty in others, I can begin to see the beauty in myself.
I was talking to one of the teachers at my school this morning after my Oral Exam was over. We started talking about my roommates and how we'd gotten through the first few months of living together. We spent a good 20-30 minutes talking about expectations, love languages, personality types, and communication. And right before I left I said something along the lines of, "I'm so blessed to have the roommates that I have. I've grown to love them way more than I ever expected to."
As you get to know someone, your vision of them evolves. If I look back at memories of my roommates when I first met them 4 months ago, the people that they seem to be are entirely different.
When I saw them before, I saw them as a stranger saw them. I saw Mariah's blonde hair, positive attitude, and sweet smile. I saw Bonnie's short 5'2" body, her bubbly/giggly personality, and huge eyes. 4 months later, I see such entirely different things when I see them. Because we've gone through so much. Those girls were incredibly beautiful when I met them. But to me, they are so much more beautiful. I've seen them cry, pee their pants laughing, stuffing their faces, seen the conflicts with family members, watched them struggle with school. And, somehow more importantly, they've seen me through the same things. They've seen me get my heart broken, heard me swear(sorry girls), had to endure me talking about my boyfriend for hours on end, seen me shove 21 grapes in my mouth(multiple times).
When I look at Mariah, I still see her blonde hair, her sweet smile, her positive attitude. But now I see the reason for that attitude. I see how in love she is with the gospel. I see how devoted she is to those that she loves. I see her for a fraction of the amazing woman that she is. When I look at Bonnie, I still see her curly brown hair, huge eyes, giggles, and tiny body. But now I see the huge personality to go with that tiny body. I see what a strength she is to all those around her. I see her for the comfort I've seen her give almost anyone that's walked through our doors. I see her for her automatic acceptance and love for everyone she meets. I see a glimpse of the wonderful person she is.
I can't imagine seeing these girls any other way. They've become so incredibly beautiful to me, somehow moreso than when we first met.
I didn't mean to turn this into a roommate appreciation post. But, I seriously love my roommates. They've been there with me during my absolute darkest days. They've seen me through so much, and refrained from judging. They've wiped my tears, rolled their eyes at my lame tractor jokes, and listened patiently as I get off on HUGE tangents when I tell stories(Really. You needed to know which direction Midway is).
People are so beautiful. There is not an ugly person out there. You just have to look past the surface to see how incredibly beautiful everyone is. This is definitely something I need to work on. I see people, judge them, and then dismiss them. The last few months have definitely taught me the value of getting to know people and looking past what is blatantly obvious. I want people to give me that same chance. I don't want people to see me, think I'm not worth their time, and pass over me. If I see the beauty in others, I can begin to see the beauty in myself.
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| I seriously love my roommates. |
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