Cheesy post, and not even sorry

I remember my first day in Salt Lake City like it was yesterday.

Mariah and I walked up A St., what seemed like the biggest hill of my life, with my mother, to go to the leasing office to get the keys to our apartment. Then we got in Mariah's shakey gold minivan and headed over to Main St. to our new apartment.

And the key didn't work.

Naturally, Mariah ran around to the back, where she had left the back door unlocked, and came and opened the porch door, expecting my poor mother and I to jump down 5 feet into my new home.

It smelled old and painty at the same time and I hated it.

Now, 9 months later, the day that I packed up, it still smelled old, but I loved it.

This year has been full of amazing people, and amazing experiences. It's been full of awkward encounters, tears, laughs, freezing cold, smelly kitchens, and Barbie movies. And it's been the best school year I've ever experienced.

So. Shoutout to the amazing people I've met.

Bonnie and Mo-Mo. I could not have asked for better roommates. I mean. Look at this.

I love the way that Mariah keeps a positive mind, no matter the situation. Her love for everyone around her is infectious. She cares so so much. And I love the way that she never wears shoes(the above picture proves my point). I mean, unless forced to, she never wears shoes. You can often find her walking into a room barefoot, getting off of her longboard, and wearing a skirt. It's just how it goes. And I love it. Our taco bell dates, paying all in change, will forever be my favorite. I love that Mariah was patient with me the first three months, and we were able to get over our adversity towards one another, because she is now so so close to my heart, and I couldn't replace that.

And Bonnie. Bonnie and I clicked right away. I remember her calling me from outside the apartment, telling me that she was here, but wasn't sure where it was. I came out in mypajamas, and she was standing there, just the most adorable thing I'd ever seen in her basketball shorts. She almost peed herself when I made a joke about using voice commands to hang up, and I wondered if that was normal. I thought we were close at the end of last semester, but as I look from where we are right now, it's hard to believe that I ever thought that was close. I've missed her these last two weeks since she left.

God really blessed me when he paired me with these two this year. I will be forever grateful.

And here's a quick shoutout to a few other lovelies.

"Noraa" for being the glue that started our relationship with him and Matt, and encouraging me in my grape stuffing pursuits. He introduced me to a new way of card playing, and always answers my health questions, with a vast knowledge that puts me in awe.

And Mr. Matt Dobbins. He came into our lives for roughly three weeks, but he's kept in contact this entire semester, and it always warms my heart when he surprise visits us. This sweetheart bought us groceries once when we were living off of avocadoes, and he was the start to the majority of our adventures last semester.

Much unlike our norm, we met these two boys within the first few weeks of the Winter Semester. They have been the cause of so much joy and laughter.

Rex is so enthusiastic about his plans to "take over the world" and he is so hard working, it is inspiring. He reminds me of my father in the best possible way, and his love for the gospel always blows me off my feet. Hearing him talk about his mission is one of my favorite things. I strongly support him moving to Provo this fall.

(I couldn't pick only one picture of my three boys, so you get three. Ha)

Justin reminds me of the importance of knowing what it is that you believe and you support. He takes nothing for granted, and he makes sure that he studies all of his beliefs, being so informed that it'll knock your socks off. Justin taught me that I don't need to be ashamed of who I am, and what I struggle with. We became so comfortable so fast that it was crazy ridiculous. He's been my confidant all semester and I love him so much for it.

And then Jake. Jake appeared in my apartment one night when I came home from work. We met Jake last semester, but we didn't decide to invite him into our home on a regular basis until a month ago. Thanks to whichever member of the group decided he was the perfect addition, because he definitely has been. Jake has a vast knowledge of the best places to build bonfires, and is super great at making faces for the camera, nbd. (And like Rex, I 110% support his possible decision to move to Provo this fall.)

These three boys this semester have been such a blessing and such a source of comfort.

My heart is heavy as I prepare to leave Salt Lake in two days. I'm so excited for this summer and the wonderful opportunities that I have, but part of me doesn't want to leave Utah. Or rather, I'd like to take the three boys, and my two lovely roommates, and stick them in my pocket, and bring them to Paris with me.

Please.

I will forever be grateful for the experiences that I've had this year, and the friends that I've made, and I fully expect to stay in contact with each of them, and I also expect to receive wedding invites to the rest of their weddings(Aaron got married last week, and Mariah gets married June 28th!), because I can't imagine not being in contact with these wonderful people for the rest of my life.

Don't have too much fun in Utah without me ;)

The only thing left is prayer

There are billions of people on this planet. Billions.

And you pass by at least a dozen of those people a day. On a normal day, I come in contact with a few hundred.

And to us, each of those people is just a face. Just a body. Sometimes, even just an object.

But those people, whose faces just become a part of the masses, has entire lives, with hundreds of people aware of them, worrying about them, caring about them.

You would never know, walking by a random face, that they just got married. Or that they got the promotion that they were hoping for. Or that the cut their finger while making salad the night before. Or that they've had a loved one pass.

A week ago, a good friend of mine experienced a great loss. His wife of one month, Kaitlin Bridge, passed. Kaitlin had leukemia, and had relapsed in the beginning of March. Their wedding wasn't scheduled until mid-April, but they got special permission from her doctor to postpone her admittance to the hospital by a few days so they could get married. They were sealed in the Salt Lake City Temple, and she was admitted to the hospital to start chemo the next day.

It broke my heart when I heard that she had passed.

Kaitlin was such a sweet, sweet girl. And I had been friends with her new husband, Connor, for a while. I sat at work after hearing the news, at a loss for words, as tears came to my eyes.

I know that the Lord has a knowledge of all things, past and present, and that there was a reason he brought one of His beloved daughters back to him earlier than those of us on earth would've liked. I don't understand, but it gives me hope, knowing that they had the chance to be sealed, and that she is smiling down on him, pain free, wishing him the best.

My love and prayers continue to go out to Connor, and Kaitlin's family.

<3

Don't grow up

The longer I've lived away from home, the more grateful I am for my wonderful parents and all they've done for me.

I remember many, many years, however, when I didn't feel like this. At all. I remember resenting my parents wishes and regulations, and kicking against the pricks.

The more I've thought about this over the last few months, the more I've been reminded of my many younger siblings, specifically my sisters. They're going through the same things that I went through. So, this post is dedicated to my younger sisters, so they don't make the same mistakes that I did.

1. Love our parents.
Take a moment and just revel in the love our parents have for you. Not every kid has it as lucky as us, with parents who are so understanding and accepting, and so full of love. The love they have for us is equal and unconditional. Let them know that you're grateful for that love.

2. Listen to our parents.
I know that a lot of the things our parents say don't make sense. Or they do make sense, but we feel like we know better than them. Please trust me when I say that they know better than we do. if they advise you not to date a boy, listen to them. If they enforce curfew, keep up your end. If they ask you to stay in one night, please, PLEASE listen to them. They have years of experience, and insights that you don't. Take advantage of those, because you no longer have the close guidance once you move out.

3. Respect our parents.
Last one of these, I promise. Even if you obey our parents to the letter, it won't mean much if you don't respect them and their decisions. One of the best ways to show love is through respect. Let them know that, even though you might not understand all of their desires and decisions, you at least trust and respect their judgment. They were once your age. They get it. I promise.

4. Squeeze the kiddos.
You have roughly a thousand siblings. ;) But seriously, we were so lucky to get so many wonderful siblings. And I know it's sometimes hard to appreciate them when you're living with them, but remind each other that you love each other. Give hugs and kisses openly to each other.

5. Your words mean a lot.
Use your words wisely. They can have so much weight. Pick your words carefully, and speak like you would like to be spoken to.

6. Learn.
Once you move out, you'll be working, you'll have an enormous school work load, and the time to learn whatever your heart desires will be over much too quickly. Take advantage of this time. Soak up knowledge and experience. Cook lots. Learn how to clean(seriously). Snuggle with mom and read books together. Go on walks around the neighborhood. Go rock hunting. Take pictures of the sunset. Make mudpies(in a contained area, so mom doesn't kill me ;) ). Draw pictures and hang them on the wall(but please don't draw pictures ON the wall, this isn't Croods). Spend time just enjoying the presence of your siblings and parents. Don't hide in your rooms on Sunday. Lay on the floor with Dad and the puppy, listen as he falls asleep reading "Work and the Glory" to you. Pay attention when you all watch "17 Miracles". Soak everything up.

7. Be creative.
In every way possible. Learn what you love doing, explore everything.

8. Your family are the best friends you could have.
Friend. Boyfriend. Girlfriend. All of the above include the word "end". But family doesn't. We all want to get to the Celestial Kingdom together, and you won't be going with the cute boy from Sunday School(probably), or the friend down the street. I'm not saying that those aren't relationships worth cultivating, but the most important relationships are those within the home.

9. Talk to our parents.
When something is wrong, please tell them. This is seriously one of the things I regret the most, now that I've moved out. Things are so much harder to deal with when you're dealing with them alone. Talk to mom about all of your feelings. Have debates with add about health and fitness ideas. Cry in their arms when something goes wrong, and feel no shame. Because they will always love and support you, no matter your problem.

10. Keep your eyes on the Lord.
This is so important. It's very easy to lose sight of this, and it just gets harder once you move away from home. Solidify your standards now, so there will be no questions later. I know you've heard this a thousand times in Sunday School, but this is so important. Be steadfast, and never have any doubt in the Lord.

I miss each of you every single day. I miss your goofy smiles, the way you'd use my legs as a jungle gym, and how you can't pronounce your "r's" yet. The pictures mom and dad send of you melt my heart. You will never know the degree of love everyone has for you.

Ya'll are adorable. I love you. Keep dancing to Enya and Jack Johnson. I'll see you in a month and a half!

Love, your big sister <3

When all else is gone, at least there is bacon

Life has been going so fast the past month or so, I have barely enough time to breathe.

About a month ago, I picked up a second job. I am now working between 60 and 80 hours a week.

I've been making a lot of plans and preparations for this summer and next semester.

I've been learning a second language.

I've been doing homework like crazy, and I still seem to be failing.

Bonnie and I dipped our toes into the paleo pool a little over two weeks ago.

I still drink a lot of kombucha.

I would never waste bacon.

My lovely family came to visit and gah I love them so much.

I have a few huuuuuge updates, but, nothing is set in stone yet. So. You'll have to wait another month or so to get information on them.

I seriously feel as though my creative pool has been drained, because I feel as if I never have anything to share here.

 

Homeskooled

I wish I could have a picture of the exact moment that I totally ate concrete this afternoon, because I need another reminder of how graceful I am.

Yesterday was my birthday and it was filled with the people I love most and I am so grateful to everyone that was there. Bonnie woke me up with a stocking full of candy and crayons, and a ginormous coloring book. I got a package from my family, who I got to facetime shortly after opening it. Two of my dear friends made me a shirt that said "#HOMESKOOLED" and I love it to pieces and I wore it today, when I totally biffed it on the longboard.

And my father posted on my facebook wall and I laughed so hard upon reading it. Seriously. Hilarious.

I have been so beyond stressed and everything has been crazy lately. It was so nice to have a day that was much more low-key and it was one of the best birthdays I've ever had.

I'm so blessed by those around me.

Aaand...now this is the end of an incredibly boring blog post. Sorry yo.

And at last, I see the light...

On November 1st, 2013, my mood perfectly matched the cloudy gloom hovering over downtown Salt Lake City. I thought my world had come to an end, sure that I would never recover. Even after you had moved on, I hadn't. For months, I clung to a hope that someday, you'd return to the inverted city, and we'd pick up right where we left off. I thought I'd never be over it. Everyone I knew prayed that I would get over it, because frankly, it was getting annoying.

It took 3 1/2 months.

Having the little bit of perspective that I have, finally, I can say that I'm grateful it ended.

You were a great guy. You taught me a lot about myself. You showed me how to love myself, how to open up, how to share what I needed to, how to get help. I learned that it was okay to fall quickly, and I learned to fall for myself as well.

I also learned that you were a bit of a douchenozzle.

My name in your phone was "Danger Slut ;)". I thought it was funny at the time. It's not.

I thought it was funny how you would call your mom and call her a whore or a skank. It's not.

You liked video games way too much. There's nothing wrong with video games. But when they took priority over me? On multiple ocassions? Yeah no.

Everyone has baggage. I get it. I can handle baggage. *I* have baggage. But if you're gonna constantly tell me that I can't handle all your baggage? I shouldn't even try.

You had a bad past. You let me know, and I'm grateful for that. But you shouldn't glorify your past, talk about it almost as if you're proud of it. I loved that you were honest about your past. But there's no need to bring it up everyday... Please.

You would always joke that the day we met was the best day of MY life, but for you, it was just another Sunday.

The way you would objectify me, sometimes make me feel like such an object?

"Aurora, do you know why we're friends?" "Because I bring you ice cream." "No, that's because you're in love with me." "Than why?" "Because I love your butt." It was funny the first time.

Dead fishing is just gross. Please no.

After the first few days of us dating, you would usually only kiss me when other people were around, for your own comidic satisfaction. Not because you loved me, or because I wanted to kiss you.

Let me repeat. I am not an object.

My sister hated you. You tore us apart. You honestly didn't mean to. But I should've listened to her.

You were my first love, and I was absolutely smitten by you.

And I never wanna have a love like that again.

The real reason I quit my job

"Hey, I'm on my way to work now. Please text me when you leave. I love you, and I'm going to miss you so much." I felt like I was sending my entire heart away as I sent that text, breathing into the cold air, shoving my hands into the pockets of my plaid peacoat at 9:45 on November 1st.

My boyfriend was moving.

And it was the saddest thing of my life.

He and I fit together so well, I couldn't imagine finding someone who fit better. We had talked about marriage, somewhat seriously, and even though we would fight about it more often than not, we had ultimately decided that it was a mutual desire. He had even called my little sister asking for advice on how to pop the question.

We had known for 3 weeks that he was leaving. And we had spent 2 of those weeks pretending it wasn't happening. And then, the final week, I spent every moment I wasn't at work or in class, with him. I spent those few moments between said activities with tears streaming down my face.

And the last day before he moved? I woke up with tears in my eyes. I cried my way through the day, as I sat in class, doing homework, getting my Halloween costume ready. I had to hold back on the costume makeup and make sure that what makeup I WAS wearing was waterproof.

His last words the night before, as he kissed me goodbye on the stairs outside his apartment, caused my heart to feel like it was being ripped in half. "Hey, I really care about you, okay? I always will. I love you, Aurora." he said, before shutting the door. I called back, "Yeah, okay, I care about you too," in the joking manner that I normally would. The second the door shut, I pressed my face against the wall, his door still in sight, sobs racking through my body. I heard the door opening again, and I slipped around the corner so he wouldn't have to see the mess I had become.

I clocked into work, and tried to pretend that my eyes weren't puffy and red as I got chatted in. I got my daily assignment, dressing room, and struggled all morning to blink away tears. I blew off the questions from coworkers when they asked what was wrong. I told them I had allergies, which we all knew was BS. When my emotions got bad enough, I would rush to the bathroom to throw up, and I made excuses(at least one of my coworkers was convinced I was pregnant). I processed box after box of shoes that I couldn't actually see past the veil of tears over my eyes.

There was one box of shoes that I will never forget.

Shortly after 12, after 2 hours of struggling to keep myself together, I stood in the dressing room, processing a box of some of the ugliest shoes I'd ever seen, and I looked up to see the most beautiful human being walking towards me.

I had always thought my boyfriend was attractive. But he seemed to almost glow as he walked up to me, in his jeans and a red hoodie.

My face broke into the biggest smile. "You are literally the last person I expected to see today." I said, as he came forward and enveloped me in his arms. He laughed, kissing me. "I know. That's why I'm here."

"I thought you left at 7, though." I pulled away, not wanting to get in trouble for PDA.

"We had a bunch of errands we had to run. I had to practically beg Kevin to let me stop by and say goodbye to you." He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes and my knees threatened to buckle. I looked down at the shoes, my eyes no longer threatening to spill over, for that brief, blissful moment.

"I can't stay," he said, as I felt my heart drop down to my feet. "Kevin is idling outside. He'll kill me if I take more than a minute." He reached out for me, holding me to his chest.

"I don't want you to leave me," I whispered, fighting back tears.

He pulled away, pressing his lips against mine for the last time. "This isn't for forever. I love you, Aurora."

"I love you too," I choked out.

As I watched that beautiful man walk away, I lost it. I leaned against the table, bent over double, as sobs threatened to loudly leave my throat, as my eyes burned with tears that couldn't be released fast enough. I saw him, barely visible through my tears, look back at me with so much sadness that it made my heart break even more than it already was, if that was even possible, right before he headed down the broken escalators.

The rest of the day my heart felt like it was going to stop working. I had never felt so much pain in my entire life. I begged my boss to let me leave early, and she refused. My eyes threatened to leak at the most inconvenient moments. My stomach lurched and twisted while I would be talking to customers, directing them to their dressing rooms, my eyes glazed over with tears.

Everyday, walking into that dressing room, was like a wound being ripped back open, for two months. Every time I'd see those hideous shiny shoes, a small part of me died.

I couldn't face everyday with that reminder of what I'd lost.

And so, I quit my job. I found somewhere new, somewhere that wasn't full of memories of him picking me up for lunch dates, of anticipating going to his place as soon as I got off work, the memories of him dropping me off and picking me up at work. The memory of my loss.

I quit my job because there was nothing else I could do to stop the pain.

Just another Sunday night

Being with you was like the kind of heart pattering that you're afraid will be audible to everyone in the vicinity.

It was sweaty palms, quick pulse, fast blinking, and explosive butterflies.

It was sweet, slow, and meaningful.

It was lingering, omnipresent. On my mind when I was sorting clothes at work, when I'd be walking under the street lights at 2 am, when I was making pinwheels for my roommates, when I'd wear those red pants you loved, or the navy sweater you adored, or when anyone would mention the Classic Doctor Who.

It was the kind of love that was reciprocated.

It was the best kind of love.

It was not being able to eat for the first week because the thought of you left me feeling too twitterpated and full of feelings to leave room for food.

It was feeling comfortable snuggling up on the couch and crying about the stupid things on my mind.

It was french fries and ice cream on bad days.

It was you pretending that I was 20 for the first few weeks, because the fact that I was 18 and you loving me was scary to you.

It was knowing that you were just as baby hungry as anyone I knew, and totally being okay with you referring to my belly as "the fungeon" when speaking of our future children.

It was feeding you beef jerky when you were wearing gloves.

It was feeling comfortable screaming along to Taylor Swift, because you thought it was funny.

It was loving that I could listen to Eminem with you, and listening to you keep up with him.

It was not being afraid to talk to you for hours outside while I felt incredibly vulnerable.

It was you starting to say "Super" in front of everything, the way that I do.

It was me sticking my neck out with a goofy grin and saying "noooooo" when something goes wrong, just like you do.

It was letting me beat you at video games, with that goofy smile on your face.

It was you covering my eyes when a shark would come on tv.

It was being okay with you seeing me in sweats and a big t shirt.

It was arguing about where we would live once we got married, since we'd kind of taken it as a fact.

It was constant quotes from "The Evil Dead" and "Army of Darkness".

It was falling asleep on your couch, woken up with a kiss.

It was piggy back rides to the grocery store.

It was watching you leave my apartment huddled under my flower printed fleece blanket, because it was too cold outside.

It was you surprise visiting me at work, and having lunch with me on my lunch breaks.

It was telling you about my family, and you enjoying it.

It was you being okay with me seeing you cry.

It was your proclamation of love to everyone who could hear when I brought you ice cream.

It was everything that I could want in a relationship, everything that I thought love was.

But at the end of the day...the day we met was the best day of my life, but for you, it was just a regular Sunday.

My roommates alleged double life

"Nose goes!" Everyone slapped their fingers to their noses, not wanting to be the last one.

"Aaand...Bonnie. You're first. Go outside while we discuss this," and with that, Bonnie walked outside, huddled under her blanket, while we discussed how to conduct this round of "Psychiatrist".

Just as we were about to call Bonnie back inside, we heard a shattering and some profane words from the porch. We heard Bonnie laughing, and then the porch door opened, a guy in a beanie holding Bonnie. He set her down, left, and then returned with a case of beer.

"Hey, guys, I'm Spencer. Is Mariah here?" We all blinked a few times before letting him know that Mariah was on a date but she should be home soon, sorry bro. He looked confused.

"Well, I brought beer!" he said, I suppose trying to make friends?

There was dead silence in the apartment.

"That's great! Except...none of us drink," I responded, sensing how awkward he felt.

His bewilderment was apparent. "Well...I guess I'll just put this in the kitchen," he said, moving past me.

"Yeah. So, how do you know Mariah?" I asked, as he tried to get himself and his beer around the many people crowded into the living room.

"We work together at the coffee garden." He said, finally making it to the hallway before the kitchen.

"Hey that's awesome. Wait. Except, Mariah doesn't work at the coffee garden."

The awkward silence was almost as awkward as the previous one.

"Wait...she doesn't? Uhm...am I at the right place? 174 N Main St?" I honestly felt really bad for this guy.

"No...this is 180 N Main St."

Seriously. I didn't know so many awkward silences could exist within such a short period of time.

"Oh." He honestly looked like he didn't know how to handle the situation.

"Uhm. Do you. Uh...you could. Uhm. Well." Seriously. Is there a polite way to say 'this way too the door please leave now'?

He blinked a few times and looked sincerely lost.

"Uh. Well. If you go out the doors and head to the left, you'll find 174." I motioned awkwardly towards the front door. "There are stairs." I added stupidly.

He still looked lost. I didn't want to seem rude and open the front door, so we all just stood there for a few more dreadfully awkward moments.

"All right. Well. It was nice meeting you guys, I guess." He said, opening the front door.

"Hope you find the right apartment..."

15 things I learned in my first semester in college

Okay, so, I got a really great response for my last post. It seriously made me feel so so good to hear all that positive feedback. I worked on that post for a few days, so it seriously melted my heart(in the best way possible) to hear all that. Thanks for boosting my ego, ya'll. ;)

I'm currently working on another post that probably won't even be that great, but, in the meantime, here's a list for you that's not even very impressive:

1. It's okay to completely change your plans.

2. It's okay to have a crappy retail job until you get your footing.

3. You (probably) won't marry your first boyfriend into college. That's okay.

4. You can't let anyone else tell you how you're feeling.

5. It's okay to spend a little bit of time trying to figure out who you are, what you believe, how you wanna present yourself.

6. You'll get homesick.

7. Your mom is one of the best people you'll ever know.

8. You don't have to go on pity dates with everyone who asks you.

9. It's okay to cry in the shower.

10. You're gonna want to fold your laundry, or else your roommates might hate you.

11. It's okay to have a day every once in a while to mope around and do nothing.

12. Prioritizing isn't just a myth your mama told you about. You really need to do that stuff.

13. Don't dismiss people right away. Give everyone time to prove themselves.

14. That being said, you don't have to continue spending time with someone who you seriously don't like that you've given a fair chance.

15. It's important to be yourself. Always.

Nothing is skin deep

"You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful, and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick? Then there's other people, when you meet them you think, "Not bad, they're okay," and then you get to know them and...and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality's written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful."

I was talking to one of the teachers at my school this morning after my Oral Exam was over. We started talking about my roommates and how we'd gotten through the first few months of living together. We spent a good 20-30 minutes talking about expectations, love languages, personality types, and communication. And right before I left I said something along the lines of, "I'm so blessed to have the roommates that I have. I've grown  to love them way more than I ever expected to."

As you get to know someone, your vision of them evolves. If I look back at memories of my roommates when I first met them 4 months ago, the people that they seem to be are entirely different.

When I saw them before, I saw them as a stranger saw them. I saw Mariah's blonde hair, positive attitude, and sweet smile. I saw Bonnie's short 5'2" body, her bubbly/giggly personality, and huge eyes. 4 months later, I see such entirely different things when I see them. Because we've gone through so much. Those girls were incredibly beautiful when I met them. But to me, they are so much more beautiful. I've seen them cry, pee their pants laughing, stuffing their faces, seen the conflicts with family members, watched them struggle with school. And, somehow more importantly, they've seen me through the same things. They've seen me get my heart broken, heard me swear(sorry girls), had to endure me talking about my boyfriend for hours on end, seen me shove 21 grapes in my mouth(multiple times).

When I look at Mariah, I still see her blonde hair, her sweet smile, her positive attitude. But now I see the reason for that attitude. I see how in love she is with the gospel. I see how devoted she is to those that she loves. I see her for a fraction of the amazing woman that she is. When I look at Bonnie, I still see her curly brown hair, huge eyes, giggles, and tiny body. But now I see the huge personality to go with that tiny body. I see what a strength she is to all those around her. I see her for the comfort I've seen her give almost anyone that's walked through our doors. I see her for her automatic acceptance and love for everyone she meets. I see a glimpse of the wonderful person she is.

I can't imagine seeing these girls any other way. They've become so incredibly beautiful to me, somehow moreso than when we first met.

I didn't mean to turn this into a roommate appreciation post. But, I seriously love my roommates. They've been there with me during my absolute darkest days. They've seen me through so much, and refrained from judging. They've wiped my tears, rolled their eyes at my lame tractor jokes, and listened patiently as I get off on HUGE tangents when I tell stories(Really. You needed to know which direction Midway is).

People are so beautiful. There is not an ugly person out there. You just have to look past the surface to see how incredibly beautiful everyone is. This is definitely something I need to work on. I see people, judge them, and then dismiss them. The last few months have definitely taught me the value of getting to know people and looking past what is blatantly obvious. I want people to give me that same chance. I don't want people to see me, think I'm not worth their time, and pass over me. If I see the beauty in others, I can begin to see the beauty in myself.

I seriously love my roommates.

Hey, I've never met you, let's become best friends

Okay, this is another one of those topics that I probably post about way too often. But this is something that is on my mind a TON, and I keep getting little reminders of it.

5 months ago, I had a random conversation with a friend of mine while I was at work. It was just like every other night when I'd get bored and text him. He happened to mention a friend of his that was moving to SLC, where I was planning on moving, and I realized that it was someone I knew. The very next day, a friend of mine mentioned to another girl that I was planning on moving to SLC. These two girls became my roommates a few short months later.

Bonnie pressured me into going to a ward game night 3 months ago, which I desperately didn't want to go to. I had a random conversation with a guy I didn't know, and he ended up becoming one of my best friends. And through him, I met SO many other people that have become so close to my heart.

A month ago, I asked a random guy I'd only spoken with a few times to go to the Sadie Hawkins dance. He has become one of my and my roommates best friends since this time.

I had a random conversation with a girl in my ward last week, and we started talking about my dissatisfaction with my job, and from that I now have a new job.

Seriously. From the randomest situations, the most wonderful things come to fruition. You don't meet someone and think "I bet they'll be my husband", but sometimes that happens. It's random, and it doesn't make sense. There are all these circumstantial things, outside of our power, that are so amazing. It's so reassuring to know that there's someone out there, placing these people in my path, looking out for me, knowing exactly what I need to help me through that point in my life.

Sometimes it's hard to just let it go, and trust that everything happens for a reason. Life throws you curveballs, but it's never more than you can handle. Sometimes, a lot of the time, it does feel like it's gotten past the breaking point. There have been plenty of times where I feel at my wits end, ready to just give up, especially in the past month.

But then I'll remember all of the blessings I have, all the amazing people that I've been blessed with, because of insignificant little moments, and I remember that it'll all work out. There will be other random moments in the future that will introduce me to people to help me through new hardships.

Seriously blessed to have this girl so I don't have to walk to church alone.

A hilarious series of unfortunate events

Disclaimer: The chances of you finding humor in this post are pretty small.

Once upon a time I decided to ask Bonnie on a roomie date. A girls night of sorts. And when I do something, I go big or go home. So I had a big evening planned. Dinner at home, jamba juice, the planetarium, the jingle bus, and then some hot chocolate before we walked through the lights at temple square on our way home. However. Almost everything that could hilariously go wrong, did.

Dinner went off without a hitch. Looking back at it(even though it was only a few hours ago) we are shocked that nothing went wrong with dinner.

After eating, we bundle up(three coats each...it's freezing out there) and head to Jamba Juice. Now, about 3 weeks ago when I started planning this ordeal, I bought a groupon for Jamba Juice. So we head to our nearest Jamba Juice. And upon getting there, we are informed that they don't have "the software" to accept our groupon. So we pull up directions to the nearest Jamba Juice, in Sugarhouse. We leave, and Bonnie mixes up the directions. Twice. And then when we're roughly 30 seconds away, we get lost and spend another 5 minutes getting back to the right road.

This is where it gets really interesting. We spent probably 30 minutes trying to get access to my groupon/them trying to accept it. We ended up walking to Barnes and Noble to use their wifi. While we waited for it to load, we went up the escalators because Bonnie insisted. And one of us said something funny enough to make Bonnie almost pee her pants. And then, when we finally get it to work, the man behind the counter(who does not speak English very well) says to Bonnie, "Your smile..it reminds me of my ex....sister-in-law". However, he took a long enough pause that we were sure he was going to say "ex-wife" and so we ended up laughing uncomfortably as he made our smoothies.

The whole smoothie ordeal took almost an hour and a half. Most of that was spent trying to get wifi to open the GPS. It's about time one of us gets a smart phone....

We head back to the apartment to park the car so we can head to the Planetarium. Which was an ordeal in itself. As we were walking to the trax station, Bonnie got seriously freaked because someone walked towards her and lets say it put us in tears, laughing. We were laughing SO much at this point, that I started telling somewhat depressing stories to prevent anyone from peeing their pants. And basically the moment I finished the story, Bonnie found something to laugh at...

We get on the train...however. We got on the green line. Instead of the blue line. Which isn't usually a problem. Except we ended up going the wrong direction a little bit. Normally, trax would let us off DIRECTLY in front of the Planetarium. But it took us the opposite direction, so we had to walk 3 blocks in 8 degree weather to get there.

The Planetarium went smoothly, until we were about to leave. We were starting to think that our luck was turning good. But then we walk into the bathroom. And the janitor is standing in the bathroom. Which wouldn't be a problem. Except he has his hands in the back of his pants. So we just stand there for a minute, not sure of what to say.  And then he turns around and says hi, and we ask to use the bathroom. As we're trying to put our many layers back on before leaving said bathroom, I accidentally placed one of my coats under the automatic soap dispenser. Hilarity ensued. And the janitor opened the door about 5 times in the few minutes it took us to wash our hands and layer back up, and each time he seemed so surprised to see us in the bathroom. Like, what, did you expect us to evaporate?

Luckily for us, the trip home was uneventful. We caught the train just as it pulled into the station, we stopped at Starbucks, decided to forego the jingle bus, as we were tuckered out, and walked through temple square. We only stopped about every 5 feet so Bonnie could take pictures. ;)

Again, if you managed to read through this post without thinking we were some of the most boring people on the planet...I hope you enjoyed yourself? I guess?

"Your smile...reminds me of my ex.....sister-in-law."

B: "Just so you know, that's the InstaCare, right there."
A: "Is that like Urgent Care?"
B: "No, it's InstaCare."
A: "Yeah, but is that like the ER? Or what?"
B: "No. It's like the Emergency Room."
A: "...that's what the ER is..."

"Is the temple in our selfie?!"

"We could have our smoothies, be back in the car, and on the way to the planetarium if we had a smart phone!"

B: "Are we going to the Unitarium?!"
A: "...what."

A: "!! I scratched my forehead!"
B: "...and I licked my finger...?"
A: "This is serious. Not like, itched it. Like, bleeding scratched it."

Bundled up on Trax. :)

"What in the freak just happened?"

You know those times when something so incredibly funny happened, but if you tried to explain it to someone, it wouldn't be funny in the slightest, because it was so in the moment?

That is 100% how my whole night went yesterday.

I was going to tell you all about it. I was. I was going to talk about the delays on the way to the grocery store, the kitchen failures, the disappointment in the movie, throwing apples, and bladder malfunctions. But I feel that it wouldn't be nearly as funny to you as it is to me. So, I'd like to share with you. But I won't. So please just imagine I just told you a horribly funny story and laugh very hard. Basically the same thing.

Feelings, guys. Here are a few.

I'm really grateful for Bonnie. I love her buckets. I was so blessed to be given her as a roommate. She's one of the best people I know and I adore her to bits and pieces. She is the perfect amount of comforting and reprimanding. When I'm having a bad day, she listens, and then makes me affirm myself, and lifts my spirits in a way that I wouldn't expect. Seriously. No one else is ever allowed to have her as a roommate because I'm selfish and I want her for forever.

My mama is one of the very best people on this entire planet, hands down. I have never ever received better advice than what she gives me. She presents things and solutions to my problems in such a light that I wonder why I didn't think of it before, because it's so simple. She gives me so much inspiration and hope.

Brooke, my best friend. If you ever need someone to call and just vent to, and cry, then she's your girl. Except for I'm calling dibs, so you actually can't. Sorry, not sorry.

One last one. I promise I'm almost done. Austin. He's seriously been such an amazing friend and such a source of happiness and comfort since I moved to Utah. I can't even begin to express my gratitude for this guy or how wonderful he is. Everyone he interacts with is a lucky person, because he sees the value in every single person in such an incredible and genuine way, it blows my mind. So so grateful to have him in my life, even though he just moved and that makes me sadder than I could express.

I'd also like to briefly point out that there are a billion other people that I love.

And also, just throwing this out there, but also, apparently I say 'ya know?' too often. What even. I wasn't even aware that I said this until yesterday. And now I catch myself saying it about 50 million times a day. Just thought I'd inform you all, just in case you were curious.

I feel like if I write for too much longer that it would turn into a diary entry, basically, and that's not exactly what this blog is for. So ima shut up now, and snuggle with my lovely roommate Bonnie while watching an episode of Glee. Don't hate.

Sleep well, friends. :)

Let's lie away our feelings, yeah?

If I come up to you and tell you you're beautiful, it makes you feel good, yeah? And if I were to come up and say you were ugly, it would have the opposite effect, yeah?

I was having a conversation with a close friend last week and self-esteem came up. Before I moved to Utah I had a pretty convincing persona of being confident. And then I moved and that persona was shattered. Hey, I'm a teenage girl. Do you really expect me to be happy and confident all the time? If you do, you can please go give yourself a bath in the toilet.

This friend and I got pretty deep into self-esteem. And by this, I mean he got pretty deep into self-esteem and I listened, because I have a super hard time opening up to people and conversing about important things before I trust them a whole hecka lot. But I'm super good at listening, so it all works, ya know?

There is a huge difference between self-esteem and just esteem. I hate it when people say "this is your self-esteem boost for the day". Because the act of THEM giving me that boost is nice, but it's not self-esteem. That would imply that it's coming from myself. Which is what self-esteem is. Relying solely on other peoples' opinions for your self-esteem means that you don't have good self-esteem. Because no matter how much other people like you, if you don't like yourself, you're screwed. Sorry bro. That's life.

So this goes hand in hand with confidence. If you're confident in yourself, you've got self-esteem. No matter what anyone says to you you can still smile and know you're a good person.

Guys, I'm 18. I'm not as old as I'd like to be. I'm young and still a teenager. So, yeah, my self-esteem is not at a high point. And since moving, it's pretty dang low. BUT that's something I need to fix for myself. And that's not really a concept I'd really thought about too deeply. Being confident sucks, cuz it takes way less effort to just rely on other peoples opinions. That's a miserable option, but definitely easier. And hey, I'm sick of that.

My name is Aurora Eliza Fackrell. I'm insecure about the size of my hands and the sounds my stomach makes. I wish I was a few inches shorter, so I slouch a lot. I hate the way my legs look so much, I almost never allow people to see them. I swear sometimes. I'm an awkward individual and I'm not actually okay with it. I'm afraid to assert my opinion on others. I don't like to speak up. I let people walk all over me because I'm afraid of rejection. I play off my feelings like they're nothing, even when they're eating me up. And I ignore peoples' attempts to talk about my feelings/try to make me feel better, because I don't want to inconvenience them. My best friend for the whole of 2013 has been my dog. My name is Aurora Fackrell, and I have flaws. And I'm working towards being okay with these flaws. If you wanna judge me for these things, be my guest.

Really missing my puppy right about now. 

Someone needs to put a toaster in Krissi's oven...

Bonnie says it's been too long since I last posted. And since she's apparently my mother now, I guess I better post.

So Saturday morning Bonnie and Mariah, my roommates, wake up and decide that they're going to St. George for the weekend. They invited me but I had work that evening so I opted out. They left and all was well. For about two hours. See, they wrote this nice little note on our whiteboard:

This is where it gets funny, depending on how you look at it.

So, I work at 3, right? It's about 2:15 or so, so I decide to make some food because chances are my lunch break won't be until 7 or so (I was right). Because I'm fat, I decided to make some french fries. So I turn the oven on to 350, and then start scrubbing and cutting potatoes. I get almost done with my potato cutting when I notice the oven is smelling worse than usual. It usually smells like gas, because it's really old. So I didn't really think it was weird. But it was smelling REALLY BAD. So I turn around, and there are flames coming out of the broiler. So I go turn off the oven and I stand back and look at it for a second. Then I call my sister, thinking that maybe I could put it out somehow, ya know? Well she instructs me to call 911 STAT (she's super smart). They're there super fast, the fire didn't spread. The oven was toast (you'll get why that's funny in a minute) and the linoleum under the oven is a bit melted and charred.

One of the nice firemen asked me if I'd left a pot holder or paper towel in the oven, because that would make sense. And I told him no, really there was NOTHING in the oven.

He comes back a few minutes later kind of laughing. And says, "So, it wasn't a pot holder. Someone put a toaster in the oven." I abruptly stopped crying and just said, "I'm gonna kill my roommate." and the firemen all laughed kinda nervously and asked me to please not kill my roommate.

Sorry for all the crappy pictures, I was too lazy to get my camera out for all these. You can see the toaster in the broiler if you look close enough.

It's pretty funny now. When it happened I was so mad and so upset. It like, ruined my day.

Soot got everywhere. Like everywhere. I spent 2 hours scrubbing ash off the kitchen floor on Monday. There is ash in literally every room of the apartment. Still. We'll touch something and then realize there's ash on it. Exhibit A.

This is Rachel. With the ash on her face from my screen door. She looks really hot but she doesn't believe me and it's not because I hate her, which is what she believes, but really I really really love her a lot.

Also, yesterday I got a package from my mama.

It made me really happy. Like a lot. Lots of food. :)

And here are some pictures of me and Bonnie because she's my mom now apparently. (Just kidding I love my mom more sorry)

College life is good yo.

"God gave her the strength to fly..."

I have attempted, unsuccessfully, to drop off the face of the planet. But, I am back again because I failed.

I have been incredibly busy in the past few months. I mean, it makes sense, right? It's my senior year, which comes with a lot of business. Since school started up again in January it's been crazy. It really hit me that this is my LAST semester in Highschool. I've been REALLY trying to get really good grades, which has meant an increased amount of time devoted to studies. And college. College, people, is a big deal. Since the semester began, I really started working towards knowing what I want out of life. I used to have a very definite plan. I wanted to be a concert pianist, have a few kids, graduate from the music program at BYU, and that was it. It was a plan. However, it's changed. Since last summer, I've been kinda going in and out of my plans for college. At first, it was BYU-I. NO ONE could persuade me different. Then I visited SVU and I was like, "Holy shiznicklebiscuits, I'm going here." And then after some conversations with my boyfriend(at the time) in August, I decided maybe BYU would be nice. And then Helen and I were gonna go to the West Coast and be roomies and life would be perfect. And then this past semester it was like, "LET'S DO ALL OF THEM AT THE SAME TIME." My brain didn't really like that...

After working my sweet little butt off, I sent in all my applications and I've been sitting back, waiting for responses. About a month ago, I decided, just for the heck of it, to apply at UofA. Helen had, at the time, planned on going to Arizona for school and I thought "We'll be closer", and there's this good friend of mine who had applied and I was like, "Dude, yes." so I thought it would all be great. Well, Helen is planning on South Dakota(I think...) and I have no idea about the other friend, but I have really been getting excited about UofA. I already know someone who would be my roommate, and they have a great campus. And it's WARM. And CLOSE. And WARM.

After Midterms last week, I attempted to catch up on homework, and after submitting one Science Study Guide I decided that I was going to watch a thousand tv shows and take 24 hour naps. It's a new week, I'm working towards Finals and the end of the Semester. The end of Highschool. I have a LOT coming ahead this year and I am STOKED.

My letter from BYU came this morning. I waited 15 minutes before opening the email, cuz I was scared out of my pants for this letter. My future basically rode on that letter, ya know?? In Seminary this morning, two people told me that they'd been rejected, so I was incredibly worried. And I got rejected. And aside from the fact that it's a great school and I was looking forward to living near certain people there(*cough* Anela), I'm actually relieved. That's one less school to decide between, ya know? There's a reason I didn't get accepted and I am totally okay with it. I have to send in Housing applications for UofA and get the last form for SVU turned in, and focus on getting A's....and jobs. Dude, I need one of those.

I'm actually planning on being a counselor for YFF this summer, and I am so excited. Like, dudes, you have no idea. IF you weren't sure whether or not to go, GO. I WILL BE THERE AND IT WILL BE AWESOME.

Also, it has been almost a year since my friend Greenman left on his mission. Crazy.

Now, funny things. Saturday night I went to my friend's house, and he showed us this hilarious video. Seriously, go watch it. I almost peed my pants laughing. It was hi.freaking.larious. It was that funny. And we talked about it this morning in Seminary.

In church yesterday, I learned that tacos are okay to eat out of the trash after two hours.

I also learned that if you jump out of the Salt Lake City Temple, God will give you the power to fly into the Great Salt Lake.

Peace out homies.

*sigh*

I'm aware that I haven't posted in a long time. I'm also(painfully) aware that all I do is complain on my blog. Unfortch, you're in for some more complaining. However, I'll try to fit some normality in here somewhere.

I don't feel like telling you my love life woes, so I'm not going to tell you. In fact, we're going to pretend that I'm PURPOSELY going on this boy diet, when in reality, it was forced upon me.

School just started up again. Not excited. Also, in the process for applying for colleges, I found out LAST WEEK, that I had to take the GED. *insert ripping hair out and screaming* Needless to say, I *didn't* want to take the stupid test. BUT I took some online tests to prepare myself, and braved the community college yesterday to sign up. Now, the application is due at the LATEST by the 1st of February. Yesterday was the 10th of January. It takes two weeks to get your GED scores. I was going to BARELY scrape it by if i took it Today and tomorrow, or next Tuesday and Wednesday. Problem: I'm going to Veags next Wednesday. Despite the problems, I looked into it anyway. My mom and I had signed up, and they were going over dates. And GUESS when the next available date was? The 8th. Of February. So I explained to the nice lady that I have to take it this week or next. So she gave me the number of another testing center. In the car, I called. They were scheduling the tests for the 24th and 25th of January.       Which is when I'm in Vegas.

I was in tears on the way home. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love my family. I love the weather here in NM. BUT I don't have a lot of friends here. And some of my family(most) just doesn't get along with me. And I'm so anxious to go to college, move on with my education, ya know? I want to have music PROFESSORS, not music TEACHERS. I want to dance. I want to sing. I want to perform. I want to learn, with people actually THERE, not online. AND living in Idaho, I'll be so much closer to my friends. Mainly...Casey.

My mother then massaged my hands, and talked to me about interesting things to get my mind off the eminent doom of me staying behind an extra year. We talked about my fathers dysfunctional family, her strange friend who could snap her toes like we can snap our fingers, who is now dead(not to be morbid), and how if I went to college, I'd probably have a boyfriend within a week, so wasn't I glad I was staying home(no, mom, you made it worse. But thankkkssss...), and so on. Then I watched Benny and Joon and ate icecream. Then Layne(my dear dear friend, who I was going to room with) says, "Why don't you call BYU-I admissions and see if you can turn in the application late?" I did it simply to humor her, since I didn't see that happening at all, PERIOD. When I called, they said I could take a test called the COMPASS test, which is actually a ton easier than the GED and you have to take one or the other. And you get test results back in the SAME DAY. Yeah. I can't believe I didn't find out about THAT before...

I am now anxiously awaiting for my sister(or father) to get home with a vehicle so I can run to the bank to deposit money so I can register for the test. They're still not home, and I've been waiting all day...