Let's lie away our feelings, yeah?

If I come up to you and tell you you're beautiful, it makes you feel good, yeah? And if I were to come up and say you were ugly, it would have the opposite effect, yeah?

I was having a conversation with a close friend last week and self-esteem came up. Before I moved to Utah I had a pretty convincing persona of being confident. And then I moved and that persona was shattered. Hey, I'm a teenage girl. Do you really expect me to be happy and confident all the time? If you do, you can please go give yourself a bath in the toilet.

This friend and I got pretty deep into self-esteem. And by this, I mean he got pretty deep into self-esteem and I listened, because I have a super hard time opening up to people and conversing about important things before I trust them a whole hecka lot. But I'm super good at listening, so it all works, ya know?

There is a huge difference between self-esteem and just esteem. I hate it when people say "this is your self-esteem boost for the day". Because the act of THEM giving me that boost is nice, but it's not self-esteem. That would imply that it's coming from myself. Which is what self-esteem is. Relying solely on other peoples' opinions for your self-esteem means that you don't have good self-esteem. Because no matter how much other people like you, if you don't like yourself, you're screwed. Sorry bro. That's life.

So this goes hand in hand with confidence. If you're confident in yourself, you've got self-esteem. No matter what anyone says to you you can still smile and know you're a good person.

Guys, I'm 18. I'm not as old as I'd like to be. I'm young and still a teenager. So, yeah, my self-esteem is not at a high point. And since moving, it's pretty dang low. BUT that's something I need to fix for myself. And that's not really a concept I'd really thought about too deeply. Being confident sucks, cuz it takes way less effort to just rely on other peoples opinions. That's a miserable option, but definitely easier. And hey, I'm sick of that.

My name is Aurora Eliza Fackrell. I'm insecure about the size of my hands and the sounds my stomach makes. I wish I was a few inches shorter, so I slouch a lot. I hate the way my legs look so much, I almost never allow people to see them. I swear sometimes. I'm an awkward individual and I'm not actually okay with it. I'm afraid to assert my opinion on others. I don't like to speak up. I let people walk all over me because I'm afraid of rejection. I play off my feelings like they're nothing, even when they're eating me up. And I ignore peoples' attempts to talk about my feelings/try to make me feel better, because I don't want to inconvenience them. My best friend for the whole of 2013 has been my dog. My name is Aurora Fackrell, and I have flaws. And I'm working towards being okay with these flaws. If you wanna judge me for these things, be my guest.

Really missing my puppy right about now. 

I'll let you spend forever waiting on...these posts ;)

 I have an excuse. I promise. I haven't posted my photo a day since last Tuesday. Which is kinda long ago, even tho it doesn't seem that way to me...But anyway. Let's go on a journey.

Wednesday. I took the picture. Yay. I was going to upload it when I got home from dance at 9 pm, but my brother in law was on my computer. So, I went to bed after stretching, because I didn't really want to stay up any later. I was exhausted. Can you blame me?

Thursday: I took the picture at 11 pm. I was so tired, you wouldn't believe. I spent forever contributing to the dinner we made for guests, then went straight to work, then straight to a YW meeting, and didn't get back til almost 11. So, I basically hopped into bed. After taking the picture, to post the next day...

Friday: I took a picture first thing(it's not the one I ended up using, but I was prepared) and planned on uploading it during class. But, I felt compelled to pay lots of attention during class. Mostly cuz we had a trivia game on greek mythology, which I was boss at. And then went to work. And then straight to another YW meeting. It was actually a craft night for our upcoming YWIE..which is where my picture from that day comes.

Saturday: The word "exhaustion" does not begin to cover Saturday. I woke up at 4 am, people, to go to the balloon fiesta with the Young Women. And they didn't even launch the balloons. Cuz it was "too windy". Come on, people. How long have you lived in this state?? You should be used to this by now!! After the first session of General Conference, I was way too shaken up to upload any pictures, so I sorta just compromised by crying for a while. After the second session, I went to work. Shock. Er. And then watched Avengers with my family. For the first time. and I am so tempted to buy every Marvel shirt I can find and make a life long quest to be an extra in one of the Avengers movies(Anela, that's how we'll meet them!!). I then watched the Notebook in my room, cuz I was stupid about sleep and I needed a chick flick. Don't judge.

Sunday: Conference. I didn't want to mess with my blog on Sunday. Sorry peeps.

Today: Congrats. I picked my pictures, and I posted them here for your viewing pleasure. I went on a run with my sister this morning. It was a sad little run. My lung problem acted up, resulting in a run even shorter than the short run that was planned. And Autumn wanted to walk the majority of the time. Which was obnoxious. And she fought me the whole time. I think I'll run by myself tomorrow...Also. It's freezing cold. I am wearing my fuzziest socks, and a huge hoodie. And I am cold. Someone come warm up my hands, pretty please. PLUS, I think I like a hopeless romantic. Who lives nowhere near me. Why do they always live 2345823452304958 miles away? Beats me. God has a sense of humor.

Aves went grocery shopping with me. And we jammed out to music. And it was awesome.

So. Freaking. Tired. 

I'm a T-rex. And this would be why neither of us have boyfriends...

This is at the failure balloon fiesta. Everyone, say hi to the top of Jodi's face. And the bottom of mine. 

I taught my brother how to knit during conference, because he was bored. He kept knitting, even after it was over. It made my day.

This would be us after our morning run. Our EASY morning run, I should add, since I don't usually bring Autumn with me. Therefore, we went at a snails pace. And didn't even run a mile. It was sad. Hence the reason we don't look totally dead. 

Hasta la Pasta, people. Until next time...which may or may not be tomorrow...

Applicable song lyric of the day: "You throw your head back laughing like a little kid. I think it's strange that you think I'm funny cause he never did." 

Dare not to generalize me

I don't think that title ^^^ even works, grammatically. But, I don't want to bother changing it, so it stays.

So, I was sitting in seminary today. Like I do every week day. (I'm about to digress) I looked like a hobo that had rolled around in mud and then done something else disgusting. My brain isn't working today, and the reason why is because I woke up with a killer migraine yesterday. It sucked. However, it's mostly gone, and I am here to tell you about a thought I had.

I'll get back on topic now.

I'm sitting in seminary. And we are talking about weaknesses, the armor of God, blah blah. It was a good lesson, just one we're all forced to hear at least 2345456456782345 times a year, whether it be sunday school, YW/YM, Seminary, FHE, etc. You hear it a lot. And wouldn't you know it? We've all seen the orange analogy. ;) So, normally, this kind of lesson wouldn't be note worthy enough for me to BLOG about it.

It gets better, so keep your pants on and wait.

My teacher has a vase of water. And then pulls out an orange. Or, as I called it, a Green. It was a green orange, which is contradictory, so it's a green. Call it a green. A green. SO, she plops this orange in the water. 5 points to whoever can tell me what'll happen. If you guessed "IT'LL FLOAT!", then ding ding ding. You get a mythical prize. Enjoy that. If, for some stupid reason, you guessed "It'll sink. Derp." Then please go throw some greens in a bathtub and take as many science classes you can. Now, while you perform your science experiment, I will continue with my rant, or whatever you could call this.

When the teacher asks what will happen, we all answer "it's gonna float." in tired monotonous voices. Wouldn't ya know it, it floats. Then, she peels the green. And asks us what will happen when she puts it back in. We all say, "It's gonna sink." And then I add, because I am oh so sarcastic and always in a good mood in the morning, "Just watch. It's gonna float."

It floated.

I laughed.

My teacher than kneaded it with her hands until it was a poor, abused green, and it kinda floated near the bottom. Everyone started making jokes about how it was a "special" orange and all of that, and then one of my teachers says, "It was a homeschooled orange."

I really laughed then. NOW, before you other homeschoolers say "HEY WE AREN'T STUPID/SPECIAL!" and all you non-homeschoolers say "HAHAHAHAHA I WAS ALWAYS RIGHT!" give me a second to say a few things.

I am one of 2 homeschooled kids in my class. I don't really care. This particular teacher, she homeschooled her kids. I appreciate a funny homeschooled joke. In fact, I make them. If I do something stupid I just say, "Ya know what? I was homeschooled." And if you know me, you know that I'm being sarcastic and it's hilarious. *note* Don't make a homeschool joke around a proud homeschooler. Proud in the "I will punch you" type of way. Especially if they're ripped. Just saying.

Anyway, after all the laughing subsided, and everyone made a few homeschool comments and it was oh so funny(not exactly), and we were all ready to pay attention to the lesson, one girl(she's....special), makes a comment that all homeschoolers have good standards and therefore, they are set apart and are a higher "species" or whatever.

I call bullcrap.

In fact, as soon as she states this, my friend who sits next to me, turns to me and says, "Yeah right. I can think of plenty with bad standards." And we list a few that we both know. And then he says, "The only goody two shoes homeschoolers I know are you and Josh(the other one in my class)." For everyone that knows me better than he does, I give you permission to laugh.

Goody-two-shoes, I am not.

That's not my point tho. My point is that I am a member of three "groups" that receive a lot of generalization: I'm a mormon, homeschooled, and belong to a large family. People would think I'm the worlds biggest geek/most sheltered child. In fact, on more than one occasion, I've had people say, "YOU'RE HOMESCHOOLED?!? NO WAY! You're way too cool!"I know. I'm just super awesome that way.

APPARENTLY, If you're a Mormon, you eat jello and funeral potatoes all day, everyday. You wear turtle necks and bootleg highwater jeans, or a jumper with a long sleeved frilly shirt under it. And socks and sandals. And socks that are all frilly at the top. You get my point. We are also, apparently, little law abiders.(I'm not saying that we don't, but I'm saying that we're not high-and-mighty).

If you're homeschooled: You wear your pj's all day(only sometimes, gosh), you watch tv all day(no, that's not having an education), and do school on your bed(okay, that one is spot on...). Apparently, you also have FRICKIN HIGH STANDARDS. And you've never been on a roller coaster. And you worship Hitler(I've actually had someone ask me that once). The assumptions are ridiculous.

If you belong in a large family: You all share underwear(bull), you shop at thrift stores(which is cool), you drive a short bus(...), you're loud, your house is a WRECK, and your parents are lunatics that can't handle you or remember your name.

I have a piece of mind to share with you. I quite enjoy jello and funeral potatoes, because I'm human. However, I have had neither today. AM I NO LONGER A MORMON!?! ;) And the clothes...I don't even OWN a turtle neck, and it goes the same for the rest of the "mormon" clothing. (my dad wears socks and sandals, but he's classy. ;) ) I am law abiding. However, I speed. I've broken a few minor laws, of which I will not go into at this moment. That's need-to-know.

I have not worn my pajamas all day in eons, with the exception of when I'm sick and bed ridden. I never watch tv. And I only do school on my bed 25% of the time. I also have high standards, but not to the point where I refuse to kiss boys or wear a swim suit. There is moderation in all things. I have not only been on *A* roller coaster, but multiple, and I quite enjoy them. And Hitler....do I really have to clarify that? (no, I'm not a Nazi.)

I have MY OWN UNDERWEAR. I've never shared, and never will. Thrift stores are the frickin bomb. I've gotten some of the best stuff ever at those places. One mans trash is another mans treasure. If you're too high and mighty to shop at a thrift store...you have problems. GO SAVE MONEY. A "short bus" is the only thing  big enough to fit my whole family. Deal with it. Our house is NOT a wreck. Cheaper by the dozen makes big families look bad(I love that movie, don't get me wrong). My parents are wonderful and not only PARENT wonderfully, but they LOVE us. Sometimes people forget names. Heck, I do it all the time. To my FRIENDS. It happens. Yes, I've been called the dogs name. No, I don't care.

So, this became much more of a rant than I originally planned. So sue me.

Generalize me, I'll generalize you. As a butt head.

The girl in the mirror

Have you ever looked in the mirror at yourself and thought "That's not me"?
I know it sounds weird. Bizarre. But hear me out.

I see myself and I have this strange feeling that the girl in the mirror, trying desperately to make her eyeliner look good, just isn't me. It's like...I see her, I control her, but it's not me. But the thing is, I KNOW it's me. Because, obviously, I feel with the girl in the mirror. I see with the girl in the mirror. I *am* the girl in the mirror. But at the same time, I feel that I'm not.

Does this make sense?

No? That's what I thought.

The first picture is me Freshman year. So, a little over two years ago. The second picture is from about a month ago. Now, I know I don't look *that* different. But...I look different. Glasses: gone. Teeth: In the process of straightening out.(Braces. Bleck). Hair: Waaaaaaay different. I know how to make it look good now. ;) Even my makeup is different.
My point with this picture is that I've changed. And usually someone who has changed a lot can relate to the person they used to be more than they are now. But that's the thing. I feel like both girls in that picture aren't me. Isn't that weird. Yeah, not "both pictures of me" but "Both girls". I feel like neither is me.

Maybe I realize that the world expects less of me than I'm capable. Maybe I realize that God sees me differently than the world does. Maybe I realize my potential. Maybe I see the person I am inside, rather than the girl I am outside.
But maybe I see my personality.
My personality is...gah. Horrible. Think of the craziest person you know(besides me). Now the most random. Now add a bit of rudeness. And throw in some inappropriate jokes. You have me. Partially. Now you have to remember that I'm also inconsiderate, and mean. So add all this together and you have a vague idea of how I act. I'm not a slut, which is probably the best thing I can say.
I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see the the braces. Or the years of hair dye. Or the ocean in my eyes. Or my dry skin. I look at myself in the mirror and I see the girl I am inside. And if I looked on the outside like I do on the inside...it wouldn't be pretty.
I mean, I understand that some people find me kinda pretty. By the worlds standards, sure why not? I'm thin. I keep my hair maintained. I have relatively nice skin. I have kinda spectacular eyes(probably the only thing that isn't subjected to just this time). But if my inside was reflected to the outside, people wouldn't give me a second look. And if they did, it would be out of repulsion.

I look in the mirror, and I'm disappointed. I wish that I looked like ME.