I can see your pain.
I've always seen it.
I know you thought you did a bang up job of hiding it.
But it was always there.
I could see it in your beautiful blue eyes when you spoke about your father.
I knew you'd had a hard day when I'd see the cans of empty energy drinks littering your coffee table.
You always said you were an open book, letting everyone see everything. But there was always that part of you that you tried so hard to keep locked up.
I could see you struggle to share, the desire you had to let someone else to help you share the ginormous burden you held on your back.
But you always stopped yourself as soon as sharing got too painful.
You went through a lot. You had a lot of people hurt you. You loved so hard, so openly, to everyone. And so many people shut you out, damaged you.
And you still loved. Everyone.
I have never been more inspired in such a short period of time. I've never met someone who's taught me more about people, about loving others, and been such a perfect example of being Christlike at all times.
You hid your pain behind that persona, your signature.
But you became so beautiful to me on those days that you became vulnerable. Those nights, in the dark, the sleepy, tearfilled eyes, the whispered words of honesty.
It's always amazed me, how, after every single thing, you've still opened up your heart to anyone that would take the time to look at you.
Not because you needed more love in your life. You have plenty of people offering their love. But because you wanted to make sure EVERYONE else had a chance to have as much love as possible.
You would've willingly given your life for someone that didn't give you a second thought, because you saw their infinite worth.
And yet, almost no one saw yours.
Showing posts with label Feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Feelings. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
We weren't meant to work out
In a parallel universe, maybe we grew up together.
Maybe we were neighbors.
Or we were in the same primary class. Maybe you would hold my hand during class, or blow me kisses in the hallway, to be later reprimanded by your mother.
When we were 8, we'd meet on the street adjacent to our houses, and we'd ride our bikes up and down the street, laughing as we'd almost run into each other. And afterwards we'd race up and down the dirt hill behind my house.
As we grew older, into our teen years, we'd lay on the trampoline in your backyard, laughing as we pointed out made-up constellations.
I would've been there for you when girls broke your heart, and you would've let me cry on your shoulder when boys broke mine.
I would've been the friend that you called when your anxiety got bad, or your parents were fighting, and you needed a confidant.
Maybe, somewhere in those confusing years, is when we would've fallen in love.
You and me, walking home, hand in hand. My parents telling you not to keep me out so late. You apologizing, but giving my hand a squeeze saying that it was worth it. My younger siblings adoring you, jumping on you and swinging from your neck whenever you walked through the front door. You'd be invited over for family dinner on a regular basis. My mom would think you're hilarious, my dad would love your motivation.
You'd go on your mission, and I'd still be here, two years later, waiting.
You'd meet my grandparents, and my grandma would fret over how skinny you were, and my grandpa would find someway to embarrass you. My brothers-in-law would ask when you were joining the family, and we'd laugh it off, answering with snarky comments, but really we'd both be wondering the same thing.
When you finally popped the question, it would've been just the kind of thing that perfectly defined us and our relationship.
We would get married young, by some standards, but it would be just perfect for us. We'd struggle to make ends meet, as we tried to follow your dreams, and to follow mine as well. But no matter how hard it got, we'd still love each other, still want to make it work.
Can you imagine how adorable our babies would be? They'd get my nose, your eyes. They'd get your drive, my creativity. We'd take them to the park and watch them run around on their fat little legs, bringing dandelions and pebbles to us with grins on their faces, proud of their finds. We'd cuddle up on the couch with our 5 little sleepy kiddos and watch the same Disney Movies we'd watched when we were their age, reminiscing in the years we'd known. We'd climb into bed at night, exhausted, but so in love with the little family that we were raising.
We'd get old, your hair would start to fall out, maybe mine would too. Our kids would grow up, move out, and cause our remaining hair to go grey from the stress of it all. But we'd still love each other. I'd still look at you every morning and think that you were the most handsome man that I'd ever met. Because you would be.
We'd celebrate the milestones together. 25 years, 50, 60, together. Not many couples make it that far, but we did.
We'd make it through everything, every fight, every poopy diaper, every distressed teenager, because we loved each other. Our end goal would remain the same, our love would become somehow stronger, and we'd last through it all.
Sometimes I imagine a world, only slightly different than the one you and I live in now. I imagine a world where, this isn't just a line of thought, but it's a reality. It's a world where we worked out.
But it's not.
That world is a few tracks off from the one you and I are living in.
We are not in that world. You are not with me. I can imagine, for a few blissful moments, that it's so. And those 10 minutes of fantasy will be beautiful. But then I'll wake up, return to the real world, and face every day without you, knowing what could've been.
The truth is, we weren't meant to work out like that. You weren't meant to grow up down the street from me. My grandma wasn't meant to fuss over you. You weren't meant to have a strong bond with my little brother, and an even stronger one with my baby sister. You weren't meant to live out your days on this earth with me.
You were meant for someone else.
Maybe you and I could've survived through the coming obstacles. But maybe not. And maybe that's the sole reason that life didn't play out like this, that life took a drastic track change, out of the blue. Because for some reason, I'd have challenges you couldn't help me with. And there were things that I wouldn't be able to help you with. And we'd both have to struggle independently. And that's not how a relationship works.
I know that that's not how things worked.
I know that this is how things are working now.
I know it, I just have to accept it.
Maybe we were neighbors.
Or we were in the same primary class. Maybe you would hold my hand during class, or blow me kisses in the hallway, to be later reprimanded by your mother.
When we were 8, we'd meet on the street adjacent to our houses, and we'd ride our bikes up and down the street, laughing as we'd almost run into each other. And afterwards we'd race up and down the dirt hill behind my house.
As we grew older, into our teen years, we'd lay on the trampoline in your backyard, laughing as we pointed out made-up constellations.
I would've been there for you when girls broke your heart, and you would've let me cry on your shoulder when boys broke mine.
I would've been the friend that you called when your anxiety got bad, or your parents were fighting, and you needed a confidant.
Maybe, somewhere in those confusing years, is when we would've fallen in love.
You and me, walking home, hand in hand. My parents telling you not to keep me out so late. You apologizing, but giving my hand a squeeze saying that it was worth it. My younger siblings adoring you, jumping on you and swinging from your neck whenever you walked through the front door. You'd be invited over for family dinner on a regular basis. My mom would think you're hilarious, my dad would love your motivation.
You'd go on your mission, and I'd still be here, two years later, waiting.
You'd meet my grandparents, and my grandma would fret over how skinny you were, and my grandpa would find someway to embarrass you. My brothers-in-law would ask when you were joining the family, and we'd laugh it off, answering with snarky comments, but really we'd both be wondering the same thing.
When you finally popped the question, it would've been just the kind of thing that perfectly defined us and our relationship.
We would get married young, by some standards, but it would be just perfect for us. We'd struggle to make ends meet, as we tried to follow your dreams, and to follow mine as well. But no matter how hard it got, we'd still love each other, still want to make it work.
Can you imagine how adorable our babies would be? They'd get my nose, your eyes. They'd get your drive, my creativity. We'd take them to the park and watch them run around on their fat little legs, bringing dandelions and pebbles to us with grins on their faces, proud of their finds. We'd cuddle up on the couch with our 5 little sleepy kiddos and watch the same Disney Movies we'd watched when we were their age, reminiscing in the years we'd known. We'd climb into bed at night, exhausted, but so in love with the little family that we were raising.
We'd get old, your hair would start to fall out, maybe mine would too. Our kids would grow up, move out, and cause our remaining hair to go grey from the stress of it all. But we'd still love each other. I'd still look at you every morning and think that you were the most handsome man that I'd ever met. Because you would be.
We'd celebrate the milestones together. 25 years, 50, 60, together. Not many couples make it that far, but we did.
We'd make it through everything, every fight, every poopy diaper, every distressed teenager, because we loved each other. Our end goal would remain the same, our love would become somehow stronger, and we'd last through it all.
Sometimes I imagine a world, only slightly different than the one you and I live in now. I imagine a world where, this isn't just a line of thought, but it's a reality. It's a world where we worked out.
But it's not.
That world is a few tracks off from the one you and I are living in.
We are not in that world. You are not with me. I can imagine, for a few blissful moments, that it's so. And those 10 minutes of fantasy will be beautiful. But then I'll wake up, return to the real world, and face every day without you, knowing what could've been.
The truth is, we weren't meant to work out like that. You weren't meant to grow up down the street from me. My grandma wasn't meant to fuss over you. You weren't meant to have a strong bond with my little brother, and an even stronger one with my baby sister. You weren't meant to live out your days on this earth with me.
You were meant for someone else.
Maybe you and I could've survived through the coming obstacles. But maybe not. And maybe that's the sole reason that life didn't play out like this, that life took a drastic track change, out of the blue. Because for some reason, I'd have challenges you couldn't help me with. And there were things that I wouldn't be able to help you with. And we'd both have to struggle independently. And that's not how a relationship works.
I know that that's not how things worked.
I know that this is how things are working now.
I know it, I just have to accept it.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
This blanket it so soft, it's made of unicorns
Day 17 - A song that never gets old
I set fire to the rain ~ Adele. I love this song. I can sing at the top of my lungs to this everyday. Not literally, but you get the picture. ;)
Day 18 - A song that makes me laugh
A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes ~ Cinderella. This song makes me laugh a lot. No, I won't share why.
Day 19 - The most beautiful song
God Be With You Til We Meet Again ~ I have no idea. Yeah, I don't know who wrote this. But I love it. It's one of the few songs that has made me cry tears of JOY multiple times. I just love it a whole lot.
Day 20 ~ A song with terrible singing
How about every song on the radio?!?! No? Okay. Kiss ~ Carly Rae Jepson. Just...that woman was a one hit wonder. End of story.
Day 21 - The best love song
Lucky ~ Jason Mraz. So, this isn't the BEST per say, but it's one of my favorites. So..yeah.
Okay. Now, my excuse for not posting since last Thursday. I got mah wisdom teeth out. Woooohooo. No, I didn't really look like a chipmunk. And yes, I have recovered extremely quickly. Yes, I am pretty awesome. You didn't ask that? My bad...
Just so you don't have to ask, yes, they took videos. And yes, they're pretty funny. So, you're welcome. They didn't video tape me telling everyone about how my blanket was made of unicorns, which I apparently stated as soon as they put me in my bed. But now I've told you, so you'll survive. Anyway, I was very drugged up all of Friday, and in a lot of pain Saturday and Sunday. Yesterday started painfully, but then I somehow got better part way through the day. It's gone up and down a bit, but it's very tolerable. So yes, on day 4 I was totally functional. Driving, doing homework, all that. In Seminary this morning, my teachers jaws dropped upon hearing I'd gotten my teeth out. It made me feel a little bit cool.
My post today has an actual purpose tho. And it is this: I know some of the most amazing people on the planet. Let us begin.
My mother. Oh my lanta, my mother. I love her so much. She drove me to get my teeth out, obviously, and then wiped my tears as soon as they'd woken me up(I don't know why I was emotional, okay?). She also cleaned up all of my drool as I consistently asked whether or not I had a tongue, and felt it. She tucked me into bed, and made sure I got all of my health pills and such on time. AND she made me smoothies everyday. And poached eggs, once I could sorta chew. Friday night was movie night, and there was a specific movie they wanted to watch, but they changed it because as they were reading the description I started crying cuz of the violence(my emotions were messed up...). My mom is incredible, and I am so blessed to have such an amazing and wonderful mother. I just am.
Rachel. As soon as I got home, she sat on my bed with me and held my hand as I dozed in and out of consciousness. She also sang to me. And read to me. And then she watched Doctor Who with me for like, 4 hours. And she offered to let me sleep on the pullout bed with her the first night because I was sorta upset. And I'd already passed out there. She babied me when I really needed it, and it was nice. She religiously iced each side of my face for 20 minutes each, back and forth, and she'd rub my jaw cream stuff on my face. It's just...I am so lucky to have such an amazing sister.
Ian. Ian is always making sure I'm okay. He has a concussion, but he is STILL checking up on me, and making sure that I'm okay. It's nice to know that I have some amazing friends that really care, and that their love for me still exists even tho they're 12 + hours away.
Georgi. This girl has checked up on me every single day. On Friday, she came over to make sure I was okay. She didn't stay long, cuz she had to babysit, but the action of her coming made me happy. Saturday she brought me starbucks and did my nails. She's texted me every single day, just making sure that I'm okay, and wondering if there's anything she can do to help me. Holy shiz I've been blessed with great friends.
I am an incredibly blessed individual. I just am. The past 5 days really showed me that. I am so blessed. And I love the people that I've been blessed with so so much.
Anyway. Now you know how much I love people. The end.
I set fire to the rain ~ Adele. I love this song. I can sing at the top of my lungs to this everyday. Not literally, but you get the picture. ;)
Day 18 - A song that makes me laugh
A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes ~ Cinderella. This song makes me laugh a lot. No, I won't share why.
Day 19 - The most beautiful song
God Be With You Til We Meet Again ~ I have no idea. Yeah, I don't know who wrote this. But I love it. It's one of the few songs that has made me cry tears of JOY multiple times. I just love it a whole lot.
Day 20 ~ A song with terrible singing
How about every song on the radio?!?! No? Okay. Kiss ~ Carly Rae Jepson. Just...that woman was a one hit wonder. End of story.
Day 21 - The best love song
Lucky ~ Jason Mraz. So, this isn't the BEST per say, but it's one of my favorites. So..yeah.
Okay. Now, my excuse for not posting since last Thursday. I got mah wisdom teeth out. Woooohooo. No, I didn't really look like a chipmunk. And yes, I have recovered extremely quickly. Yes, I am pretty awesome. You didn't ask that? My bad...
Just so you don't have to ask, yes, they took videos. And yes, they're pretty funny. So, you're welcome. They didn't video tape me telling everyone about how my blanket was made of unicorns, which I apparently stated as soon as they put me in my bed. But now I've told you, so you'll survive. Anyway, I was very drugged up all of Friday, and in a lot of pain Saturday and Sunday. Yesterday started painfully, but then I somehow got better part way through the day. It's gone up and down a bit, but it's very tolerable. So yes, on day 4 I was totally functional. Driving, doing homework, all that. In Seminary this morning, my teachers jaws dropped upon hearing I'd gotten my teeth out. It made me feel a little bit cool.
My post today has an actual purpose tho. And it is this: I know some of the most amazing people on the planet. Let us begin.
My mother. Oh my lanta, my mother. I love her so much. She drove me to get my teeth out, obviously, and then wiped my tears as soon as they'd woken me up(I don't know why I was emotional, okay?). She also cleaned up all of my drool as I consistently asked whether or not I had a tongue, and felt it. She tucked me into bed, and made sure I got all of my health pills and such on time. AND she made me smoothies everyday. And poached eggs, once I could sorta chew. Friday night was movie night, and there was a specific movie they wanted to watch, but they changed it because as they were reading the description I started crying cuz of the violence(my emotions were messed up...). My mom is incredible, and I am so blessed to have such an amazing and wonderful mother. I just am.
Rachel. As soon as I got home, she sat on my bed with me and held my hand as I dozed in and out of consciousness. She also sang to me. And read to me. And then she watched Doctor Who with me for like, 4 hours. And she offered to let me sleep on the pullout bed with her the first night because I was sorta upset. And I'd already passed out there. She babied me when I really needed it, and it was nice. She religiously iced each side of my face for 20 minutes each, back and forth, and she'd rub my jaw cream stuff on my face. It's just...I am so lucky to have such an amazing sister.
Ian. Ian is always making sure I'm okay. He has a concussion, but he is STILL checking up on me, and making sure that I'm okay. It's nice to know that I have some amazing friends that really care, and that their love for me still exists even tho they're 12 + hours away.
Georgi. This girl has checked up on me every single day. On Friday, she came over to make sure I was okay. She didn't stay long, cuz she had to babysit, but the action of her coming made me happy. Saturday she brought me starbucks and did my nails. She's texted me every single day, just making sure that I'm okay, and wondering if there's anything she can do to help me. Holy shiz I've been blessed with great friends.
I am an incredibly blessed individual. I just am. The past 5 days really showed me that. I am so blessed. And I love the people that I've been blessed with so so much.
Anyway. Now you know how much I love people. The end.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
I have something very serious to talk to-OHMYGOSHIHAVEPANTSONMYHEAD!!
Today, you get a two in one post! Woohoo! In addition to the picture for today, and you're gonna love it, I'm making a post on a topic that has been on my mind for a while.
I have done a very bad job explaining this in the past, and many people have different opinions/views on this matter, with no fault to themselves. With that being said, I will continue.
I am sorta like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. No, I don't have an evil side. BUT I have two polar opposite sides. Many of you are probably nodding your head right now, because you see where I'm going. Sometimes, I am sweet and empathetic and serious and civilized. And then I'll be hyper and random and bouncing off the walls. And *I* feel that they are BOTH equally me.
Most people know me for the hyper individual, but a select few prefer my calm side.
One of the ways I've explained it in the past is that I was forced to come out of my shell and individualize myself when I was 12, and I went a little far, and now people expect me to be crazy. While this is TRUE, I have to just say, I *enjoy* being crazy. I enjoy walking around on my knees, chasing my siblings and singing to them in creepy voices.I enjoy eating obscene amounts of sugar and then drawing on my stomach. I enjoy pointing my magic wand out the window at people. If you can't handle that, then I'm sorry.
So, I guess this post is less to explain HOW I act, but more to explain WHY I act that way.
As aforementioned, I was forced to come out of my shell when I was 12. Up to that point, I was highly shy, and almost introverted. ALMOST. I had lots of friends, but I was socially awkward(still am heh heh), and I wasn't interesting. I was REALLY boring. And that's okay with me. Despite all of this, I had a best friend. We'll call her...Clarissa, cuz I don't know a single soul with that name, so no one will get offended. Clarissa and I were bestestestest friends. But things started getting weird. And by that, I mean that she made up excuses when I wanted to hang out and such. However, being ELEVEN, I didn't pick up any hints and I kept bugging her and treating her the same. One day, after blowing me off, then showing up on my street with another friend, then blowing me off again, I called her. And asked if she wanted to hang out the following day, since she'd been busy today(I still didn't catch on...). And she very bluntly said, "Aurora, I don't want to be friends with you anymore. Are you cool with that?" She didn't give me any reason. She didn't tell me WHY she suddenly hated me. I said "sure" and hung up. And then promptly called back to tell her very angrily that I was NOT cool with that, but if she didn't want to be my friend then I wouldn't be hers. And then I proceeded to rip up all of the mall photo booth pictures of us, stupid notes we'd written, and I bawled. And it killed me to relay all of this to my mother.
Now, I had other friends besides Clarissa. BUT they were all connected to her. And I realized about two days later that I was only friends with them because of my connection to Clarissa, and they no longer wanted anything to do with me.
Camp that year was living Hell, if you were wondering.
I spent a good year in a constant friendless state, constantly being bullied by these 3-4 girls I had considered my friends. This was before I realized I could be friends with my older sister. Eventually, I had to get out of my shell. It took a whole YEAR to do so. And then I finally did, and I met my best friend. Within 5 minutes, I knew that we were gonna be close for forever(forever ended last year...but that's not pertinent). But it was weird. It was like, all of the social deprivation I'd felt in the last year came to bite me in those 2 hours. I mean this in the way that I acted in a way that I'd NEVER acted before. I acted crazy. I was obnoxious. I was laughing over everything and being silly. And it steadily got worse. I was giddy from a friendship. That sounds weird, but it's how it was. This girl sorta saved my life. The year preceding our meeting, I had considered suicide multiple times. I don't want you all freaking out. Suicide is not a taboo word, though we all treat it like one. ANYWAY. I got steadily worse. But just around her. Most of you are thinking, "Oh, that's how everyone is with their best friend". Yes, that's true. But, it started leaking out into my EVERYDAY life. I would be at home and I would be acting random and my mom noticed. All the time. I morphed into this other being with a new personality. At this point, at around age 13-14, I was struggling to individualize myself. I look a lot like some of my sisters, and I didn't want to be associated with them. So, subconsciously, I spiraled out of random control. I act nothing like my sisters. My older sister is flirtatious and sweet and funny. My sister just younger than me is somewhat awkward in social situations(not her fault). I am as out there and random and strange as you can get(Fun fact: I've noticed my 13 year old sister trying to morph herself into who I am...).
At around age 15-16, I realized that there is a balance. So, I balanced myself. I learned to be serious and calm and sweet and empathetic. I can still be that random girl tho. I am both. I am Mictor Hyckyll(combine Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde, if you didn't get that..).
I can act like two entirely different people sometimes. Yes, this bugs me. I know that I feel obligated to act a certain way because of a reputation I have to be hilarious(let's face it...I am. ;)). And sometimes I struggle with this. Sometimes I hate myself for who I am. But, that's part of life. I don't regret any of the struggles that I've gone through, and I don't regret the way I act(for the most part) and I love myself. Not in a conceited way, but I don't hate myself.
So. I just felt like I needed to explain this, because of conversations I've had with some people over the summer and it's been bugging me.
Before I get on to my picture, I will just add...this is one of my bigger insecurities. So please, respect what I've said. I know I kinda blew it off in the last little bit, but it's still a big deal to me. It's really hard to explain what I mean, and if I say anything else concerning the matter I will confuse everyone in the US plus Canada.
Now. My day yesterday, after I posted. Well, I took the cinnamon challenge. Heh heh heh. I'll probably post a link to the youtube video tomorrow, since I have yet to upload it. And after that, I was so so so busy. I didn't go to bed til 12:30, and not because I wanted to stay up. I had a butt load of homework once I got home from work, and then I had to eat cuz I skipped dinner, and then I was on dishes. I am so exhausted. I came home from seminary today and took an hour long nap. And had weird dreams(I always have weird dreams). Speaking of which, this 14 year old boy in my ward keeps making random appearances in my dreams. Like, he'll be in it long enough for me to notice, and then disappear. And I made the mistake of telling the girl I drive to Seminary, because she felt the need to tell him. It will be so awkward to see him tonight...
Anyway. The story behind todays picture.
I wear pants on my head because I refuse to conform. That's basically the story.
You know that song that goes, "looking like a fool with yo pants on the ground"? Yeah, that doesn't apply to me. ;)
One last thing. I've decided to add an applicable song lyric to all of my photo of the day posts. So, it'll be a lyric that describes how I've felt that day/since the last time I posted. Make sense?
Applicable song lyric: "And it was enchanting to meet you. All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you."
I have done a very bad job explaining this in the past, and many people have different opinions/views on this matter, with no fault to themselves. With that being said, I will continue.
I am sorta like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. No, I don't have an evil side. BUT I have two polar opposite sides. Many of you are probably nodding your head right now, because you see where I'm going. Sometimes, I am sweet and empathetic and serious and civilized. And then I'll be hyper and random and bouncing off the walls. And *I* feel that they are BOTH equally me.
Most people know me for the hyper individual, but a select few prefer my calm side.
One of the ways I've explained it in the past is that I was forced to come out of my shell and individualize myself when I was 12, and I went a little far, and now people expect me to be crazy. While this is TRUE, I have to just say, I *enjoy* being crazy. I enjoy walking around on my knees, chasing my siblings and singing to them in creepy voices.I enjoy eating obscene amounts of sugar and then drawing on my stomach. I enjoy pointing my magic wand out the window at people. If you can't handle that, then I'm sorry.
So, I guess this post is less to explain HOW I act, but more to explain WHY I act that way.
As aforementioned, I was forced to come out of my shell when I was 12. Up to that point, I was highly shy, and almost introverted. ALMOST. I had lots of friends, but I was socially awkward(still am heh heh), and I wasn't interesting. I was REALLY boring. And that's okay with me. Despite all of this, I had a best friend. We'll call her...Clarissa, cuz I don't know a single soul with that name, so no one will get offended. Clarissa and I were bestestestest friends. But things started getting weird. And by that, I mean that she made up excuses when I wanted to hang out and such. However, being ELEVEN, I didn't pick up any hints and I kept bugging her and treating her the same. One day, after blowing me off, then showing up on my street with another friend, then blowing me off again, I called her. And asked if she wanted to hang out the following day, since she'd been busy today(I still didn't catch on...). And she very bluntly said, "Aurora, I don't want to be friends with you anymore. Are you cool with that?" She didn't give me any reason. She didn't tell me WHY she suddenly hated me. I said "sure" and hung up. And then promptly called back to tell her very angrily that I was NOT cool with that, but if she didn't want to be my friend then I wouldn't be hers. And then I proceeded to rip up all of the mall photo booth pictures of us, stupid notes we'd written, and I bawled. And it killed me to relay all of this to my mother.
Now, I had other friends besides Clarissa. BUT they were all connected to her. And I realized about two days later that I was only friends with them because of my connection to Clarissa, and they no longer wanted anything to do with me.
Camp that year was living Hell, if you were wondering.
I spent a good year in a constant friendless state, constantly being bullied by these 3-4 girls I had considered my friends. This was before I realized I could be friends with my older sister. Eventually, I had to get out of my shell. It took a whole YEAR to do so. And then I finally did, and I met my best friend. Within 5 minutes, I knew that we were gonna be close for forever(forever ended last year...but that's not pertinent). But it was weird. It was like, all of the social deprivation I'd felt in the last year came to bite me in those 2 hours. I mean this in the way that I acted in a way that I'd NEVER acted before. I acted crazy. I was obnoxious. I was laughing over everything and being silly. And it steadily got worse. I was giddy from a friendship. That sounds weird, but it's how it was. This girl sorta saved my life. The year preceding our meeting, I had considered suicide multiple times. I don't want you all freaking out. Suicide is not a taboo word, though we all treat it like one. ANYWAY. I got steadily worse. But just around her. Most of you are thinking, "Oh, that's how everyone is with their best friend". Yes, that's true. But, it started leaking out into my EVERYDAY life. I would be at home and I would be acting random and my mom noticed. All the time. I morphed into this other being with a new personality. At this point, at around age 13-14, I was struggling to individualize myself. I look a lot like some of my sisters, and I didn't want to be associated with them. So, subconsciously, I spiraled out of random control. I act nothing like my sisters. My older sister is flirtatious and sweet and funny. My sister just younger than me is somewhat awkward in social situations(not her fault). I am as out there and random and strange as you can get(Fun fact: I've noticed my 13 year old sister trying to morph herself into who I am...).
At around age 15-16, I realized that there is a balance. So, I balanced myself. I learned to be serious and calm and sweet and empathetic. I can still be that random girl tho. I am both. I am Mictor Hyckyll(combine Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde, if you didn't get that..).
I can act like two entirely different people sometimes. Yes, this bugs me. I know that I feel obligated to act a certain way because of a reputation I have to be hilarious(let's face it...I am. ;)). And sometimes I struggle with this. Sometimes I hate myself for who I am. But, that's part of life. I don't regret any of the struggles that I've gone through, and I don't regret the way I act(for the most part) and I love myself. Not in a conceited way, but I don't hate myself.
So. I just felt like I needed to explain this, because of conversations I've had with some people over the summer and it's been bugging me.
Before I get on to my picture, I will just add...this is one of my bigger insecurities. So please, respect what I've said. I know I kinda blew it off in the last little bit, but it's still a big deal to me. It's really hard to explain what I mean, and if I say anything else concerning the matter I will confuse everyone in the US plus Canada.
Now. My day yesterday, after I posted. Well, I took the cinnamon challenge. Heh heh heh. I'll probably post a link to the youtube video tomorrow, since I have yet to upload it. And after that, I was so so so busy. I didn't go to bed til 12:30, and not because I wanted to stay up. I had a butt load of homework once I got home from work, and then I had to eat cuz I skipped dinner, and then I was on dishes. I am so exhausted. I came home from seminary today and took an hour long nap. And had weird dreams(I always have weird dreams). Speaking of which, this 14 year old boy in my ward keeps making random appearances in my dreams. Like, he'll be in it long enough for me to notice, and then disappear. And I made the mistake of telling the girl I drive to Seminary, because she felt the need to tell him. It will be so awkward to see him tonight...
Anyway. The story behind todays picture.
I wear pants on my head because I refuse to conform. That's basically the story.
You know that song that goes, "looking like a fool with yo pants on the ground"? Yeah, that doesn't apply to me. ;)
One last thing. I've decided to add an applicable song lyric to all of my photo of the day posts. So, it'll be a lyric that describes how I've felt that day/since the last time I posted. Make sense?
Applicable song lyric: "And it was enchanting to meet you. All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you."
Monday, April 23, 2012
7 years of pure *insert adjective here*
Sometimes...sometimes you feel like the world is falling on top of you. I know I'm a 'teenager' and I'm prone to thinking that the world revolves around me and blowing problems out of proportion.
At a church event, a leader made a timeline on the chalkboard. There were 14 'sections'. Each stood for 7 years. The first segment was from birth to your 7th birthday, the second until you were 14, and so on, adding 7 years to each segment. The third segment, from ages 14-21, was 'the most important'. Now stop and think about this. You'd think, at least I did, that it would be the 4th or 5th. Or possibly the 10th. During the 4th and 5th you're building a family and a career. In the 10th, you see your posterity and that's pretty important. But I bit my tongue and let him explain. And as he explained, I began to agree.
A short time before the third segment starts, your 14th birthday, you're surrounded by peer pressure and decisions. When you're 14, you start going to high school. You are surrounded by a LOT of opinions, a LOT of decisions. You start dating shortly after. You pick your friends. Many people pick a spouse at the end of this segment, which is a big deal. You're choosing who to spend the rest of your life/eternity(if you believe in that) with.
Are you starting to see the significance?
With all the pressures from ALL sides, it's hard to figure out who you are. It's HARD to avoid peer pressure. It's HARD to pick good friends. It's HARD to decide who to date. It's HARD to be a teenager. Some people use this as an excuse for stupid things they do. We all abuse that. I'm surely guilty of it. But that's not my point. What I'm saying is, that we as teens make a lot of pivotal points at this age and THIS segment affects our life more than ANY other segment of our lives. If you hang out with the wrong people, you could wreck your life. I don't mean that in a BAD way, but I'm saying...if you spend your time with druggies...your life doesn't look super promising. I'm not judging, however. You want to do that, go ahead. I'm not stopping you.
This is not a post about how the world revolves around me. This is not a post about my complaints. This is not a post about my excuses. This is a post about my views and my opinions.
As aforementioned, sometimes your world begins to crush you. This is usually RIGHT around the time when I feel like this. It's finals. I'm stressed. Aren't we all? I'm worried about money because college is just around the corner. Aren't we all? I'm worried about my friends, for multiple reasons. I'm worried about decisions I've made. Stupid ones. Good ones. Things I regret. I'm starting a job, and planning for that takes time and stress. Oftentimes, we feel as tho there are MANY things crushing us. But when my lovely headmaster pulls up the slide in class that says, "FINALS", I groan loudly and hide under my desk. I don't want to face them. I feel super accomplished at the end of finals, especially when it means 4 1/2 months of freedom. However, EVERY problem that comes up at this point feels like it's blown out of proportion. A lot.
Can't everyone put the drama at the BACK of the top shelf and shut the door? Can you just walk away? Would you STOP complaining about your life? I know I'm one to talk. My problems aren't that big, in retrospect. My problems are just as big as yours. They may be different. I might not be able to relate too well. I really shouldn't get angry for you having blessings that I don't have, because I have blessings you don't have.
But I digress.
I'm at a crucial stage of life. I'm 17. I'm dating. I'm forging friendships. I'm deciding what to study. My habits, in exercise/eating/time management/studying, will stick with me for the rest of my life. I'm already stressed. When you realize that you might just be messing up your life and hurting your future, it adds to stress.
This past week, starting last monday, has been one of those weeks. Where I can reeaalllyyy feel the stress of my relationships, study habits, and EVERY THING ELSE just beating down on the back of my neck.
Summer, please come quickly.
And while you're at it, I wouldn't mind the beginning of stage 4.
At a church event, a leader made a timeline on the chalkboard. There were 14 'sections'. Each stood for 7 years. The first segment was from birth to your 7th birthday, the second until you were 14, and so on, adding 7 years to each segment. The third segment, from ages 14-21, was 'the most important'. Now stop and think about this. You'd think, at least I did, that it would be the 4th or 5th. Or possibly the 10th. During the 4th and 5th you're building a family and a career. In the 10th, you see your posterity and that's pretty important. But I bit my tongue and let him explain. And as he explained, I began to agree.
A short time before the third segment starts, your 14th birthday, you're surrounded by peer pressure and decisions. When you're 14, you start going to high school. You are surrounded by a LOT of opinions, a LOT of decisions. You start dating shortly after. You pick your friends. Many people pick a spouse at the end of this segment, which is a big deal. You're choosing who to spend the rest of your life/eternity(if you believe in that) with.
Are you starting to see the significance?
With all the pressures from ALL sides, it's hard to figure out who you are. It's HARD to avoid peer pressure. It's HARD to pick good friends. It's HARD to decide who to date. It's HARD to be a teenager. Some people use this as an excuse for stupid things they do. We all abuse that. I'm surely guilty of it. But that's not my point. What I'm saying is, that we as teens make a lot of pivotal points at this age and THIS segment affects our life more than ANY other segment of our lives. If you hang out with the wrong people, you could wreck your life. I don't mean that in a BAD way, but I'm saying...if you spend your time with druggies...your life doesn't look super promising. I'm not judging, however. You want to do that, go ahead. I'm not stopping you.
This is not a post about how the world revolves around me. This is not a post about my complaints. This is not a post about my excuses. This is a post about my views and my opinions.
As aforementioned, sometimes your world begins to crush you. This is usually RIGHT around the time when I feel like this. It's finals. I'm stressed. Aren't we all? I'm worried about money because college is just around the corner. Aren't we all? I'm worried about my friends, for multiple reasons. I'm worried about decisions I've made. Stupid ones. Good ones. Things I regret. I'm starting a job, and planning for that takes time and stress. Oftentimes, we feel as tho there are MANY things crushing us. But when my lovely headmaster pulls up the slide in class that says, "FINALS", I groan loudly and hide under my desk. I don't want to face them. I feel super accomplished at the end of finals, especially when it means 4 1/2 months of freedom. However, EVERY problem that comes up at this point feels like it's blown out of proportion. A lot.
Can't everyone put the drama at the BACK of the top shelf and shut the door? Can you just walk away? Would you STOP complaining about your life? I know I'm one to talk. My problems aren't that big, in retrospect. My problems are just as big as yours. They may be different. I might not be able to relate too well. I really shouldn't get angry for you having blessings that I don't have, because I have blessings you don't have.
But I digress.
I'm at a crucial stage of life. I'm 17. I'm dating. I'm forging friendships. I'm deciding what to study. My habits, in exercise/eating/time management/studying, will stick with me for the rest of my life. I'm already stressed. When you realize that you might just be messing up your life and hurting your future, it adds to stress.
This past week, starting last monday, has been one of those weeks. Where I can reeaalllyyy feel the stress of my relationships, study habits, and EVERY THING ELSE just beating down on the back of my neck.
Summer, please come quickly.
And while you're at it, I wouldn't mind the beginning of stage 4.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
So the question is...
I know I've mentioned this before, in a similar post, but recently I've been contemplating this a lot. I mean, I'm a girl. We think about a few things. Boys, chocolate, and our appearance.
Ok, that's a lie. We think about 23420394578 things at once, but these are the most common.
Now, there is a LOT of pressure from the world on appearances. I mean, go look at ANY magazine. Do you see pictures of people with acne? Do you see people with dumb expressions and hobo clothes? No. So people, mainly teens, are pressured into looking a certain way. To follow the trends and dress like everyone else. And you feel like, to be beautiful, you have to do your hair/makeup a certain way, and you have to dress a certain way.
Before I go further I will point out that, yes, if you shower, put on a cute pair of underwear, a nice dress, and do your makeup, chances are that you'll feel more beautiful than if you didn't shower and wore sweats and your own filth.
And this brings me to my point...
There are occasions where I look like an absolute bum. I mean, it's one of those days when I refuse to look in a mirror. I'm breaking out, wearing zero makeup, no shower that morning, bangs pulled back, and wearing baggy and sorta stinky sweats. It's just not a good looking day. EVERY girl has those days. You just don't want to put forth the effort. And on these days we try not to let people see us, am I right girls? We hole up in our houses and ignore people. I have these days often, to put it lightly.
Very recently, there was a day like this. I felt disgusting. And I looked it. However, unexpectedly, I saw someone very close to me. A boy. ;) At first I was embarrassed, because I was aware of the way I looked. But the way this boy looked at me made me totally forget what I looked like. And after he left and I saw myself in the mirror I was appalled that I hadn't felt ugly for the few hours I'd been in his presence.
Another quick comment before I reveal my over-all point to you.
My mother and I were talking about what a "perfect being" would be. In some cultures, beauty looks different. In different ages, beauty looked VERY different. She pointed out that once there was a queen that had a balding "forehead", and so every woman in that kingdom would pluck the hair off the front of her head to be "beautiful". To me, that sounds ugly. Because I've been fed a different idea of beauty.
Then again, beauty is objective, is it not? Some girls wear clothes that I look at with disgust, because it's not what *I* think is beautiful. I just don't think it is. But they sure as heck think it is.
So this brings me to my point.
My question is...is beauty just a feeling? Or maybe that should be a statement. Beauty is just a feeling. When I was with said boy, I felt sooo beautiful. He looked at me as if I was just stunning. And I felt like I was. But by the worlds standards, I wasn't. And those girls who wear clothes I think are strange? They probably feel beautiful. In their way.
And again, we are our own worst critics. I wear contacts most of the time, but when I wear glasses, I feel somewhat ugly. But other people see me and say that I'm adorable. And so beauty is objective, and beauty is a feeling, in my opinion.
Think about that.
Ok, that's a lie. We think about 23420394578 things at once, but these are the most common.
Now, there is a LOT of pressure from the world on appearances. I mean, go look at ANY magazine. Do you see pictures of people with acne? Do you see people with dumb expressions and hobo clothes? No. So people, mainly teens, are pressured into looking a certain way. To follow the trends and dress like everyone else. And you feel like, to be beautiful, you have to do your hair/makeup a certain way, and you have to dress a certain way.
Before I go further I will point out that, yes, if you shower, put on a cute pair of underwear, a nice dress, and do your makeup, chances are that you'll feel more beautiful than if you didn't shower and wore sweats and your own filth.
And this brings me to my point...
There are occasions where I look like an absolute bum. I mean, it's one of those days when I refuse to look in a mirror. I'm breaking out, wearing zero makeup, no shower that morning, bangs pulled back, and wearing baggy and sorta stinky sweats. It's just not a good looking day. EVERY girl has those days. You just don't want to put forth the effort. And on these days we try not to let people see us, am I right girls? We hole up in our houses and ignore people. I have these days often, to put it lightly.
Very recently, there was a day like this. I felt disgusting. And I looked it. However, unexpectedly, I saw someone very close to me. A boy. ;) At first I was embarrassed, because I was aware of the way I looked. But the way this boy looked at me made me totally forget what I looked like. And after he left and I saw myself in the mirror I was appalled that I hadn't felt ugly for the few hours I'd been in his presence.
Another quick comment before I reveal my over-all point to you.
My mother and I were talking about what a "perfect being" would be. In some cultures, beauty looks different. In different ages, beauty looked VERY different. She pointed out that once there was a queen that had a balding "forehead", and so every woman in that kingdom would pluck the hair off the front of her head to be "beautiful". To me, that sounds ugly. Because I've been fed a different idea of beauty.
Then again, beauty is objective, is it not? Some girls wear clothes that I look at with disgust, because it's not what *I* think is beautiful. I just don't think it is. But they sure as heck think it is.
So this brings me to my point.
My question is...is beauty just a feeling? Or maybe that should be a statement. Beauty is just a feeling. When I was with said boy, I felt sooo beautiful. He looked at me as if I was just stunning. And I felt like I was. But by the worlds standards, I wasn't. And those girls who wear clothes I think are strange? They probably feel beautiful. In their way.
And again, we are our own worst critics. I wear contacts most of the time, but when I wear glasses, I feel somewhat ugly. But other people see me and say that I'm adorable. And so beauty is objective, and beauty is a feeling, in my opinion.
Think about that.
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