Just another Sunday night

Being with you was like the kind of heart pattering that you're afraid will be audible to everyone in the vicinity.

It was sweaty palms, quick pulse, fast blinking, and explosive butterflies.

It was sweet, slow, and meaningful.

It was lingering, omnipresent. On my mind when I was sorting clothes at work, when I'd be walking under the street lights at 2 am, when I was making pinwheels for my roommates, when I'd wear those red pants you loved, or the navy sweater you adored, or when anyone would mention the Classic Doctor Who.

It was the kind of love that was reciprocated.

It was the best kind of love.

It was not being able to eat for the first week because the thought of you left me feeling too twitterpated and full of feelings to leave room for food.

It was feeling comfortable snuggling up on the couch and crying about the stupid things on my mind.

It was french fries and ice cream on bad days.

It was you pretending that I was 20 for the first few weeks, because the fact that I was 18 and you loving me was scary to you.

It was knowing that you were just as baby hungry as anyone I knew, and totally being okay with you referring to my belly as "the fungeon" when speaking of our future children.

It was feeding you beef jerky when you were wearing gloves.

It was feeling comfortable screaming along to Taylor Swift, because you thought it was funny.

It was loving that I could listen to Eminem with you, and listening to you keep up with him.

It was not being afraid to talk to you for hours outside while I felt incredibly vulnerable.

It was you starting to say "Super" in front of everything, the way that I do.

It was me sticking my neck out with a goofy grin and saying "noooooo" when something goes wrong, just like you do.

It was letting me beat you at video games, with that goofy smile on your face.

It was you covering my eyes when a shark would come on tv.

It was being okay with you seeing me in sweats and a big t shirt.

It was arguing about where we would live once we got married, since we'd kind of taken it as a fact.

It was constant quotes from "The Evil Dead" and "Army of Darkness".

It was falling asleep on your couch, woken up with a kiss.

It was piggy back rides to the grocery store.

It was watching you leave my apartment huddled under my flower printed fleece blanket, because it was too cold outside.

It was you surprise visiting me at work, and having lunch with me on my lunch breaks.

It was telling you about my family, and you enjoying it.

It was you being okay with me seeing you cry.

It was your proclamation of love to everyone who could hear when I brought you ice cream.

It was everything that I could want in a relationship, everything that I thought love was.

But at the end of the day...the day we met was the best day of my life, but for you, it was just a regular Sunday.

Lucky

I miss my mothers graying hair.

I miss being embarrassed going in public with my father and he was mistaken to be much younger.

I miss cooking with my oldest sister.

I miss Taco Bell runs with my sister just younger than I, jamming out to Macklemore and eating in the parking lot behind Pizza 9.

I miss playing with my little neice, trying to get her to say my name.

I miss snuggling with my sisters.

I miss my little brother knocking on my door in the mornings, and coming in to snuggle with me as I did homework.

I miss having my siblings slowly huddle up behind me as I watched Doctor Who.

I miss horsing around with my siblings, having them use my legs as a jungle gym.

I miss the white plastic tablecloth that my mom(who is the coolest) let the kids color on during school time.

I miss going on errands with my mom.

I miss all the hugs, snuggles, and kisses. There is no family better than mine, no love more wonderful than that which my family gives me.

I miss all the little things that seemed insignificant.

You never realize how truly lucky you are until later.

I am so so excited to be reunited with my lovely family next month.

I'm the most blessed girl around.

My roommates alleged double life

"Nose goes!" Everyone slapped their fingers to their noses, not wanting to be the last one.

"Aaand...Bonnie. You're first. Go outside while we discuss this," and with that, Bonnie walked outside, huddled under her blanket, while we discussed how to conduct this round of "Psychiatrist".

Just as we were about to call Bonnie back inside, we heard a shattering and some profane words from the porch. We heard Bonnie laughing, and then the porch door opened, a guy in a beanie holding Bonnie. He set her down, left, and then returned with a case of beer.

"Hey, guys, I'm Spencer. Is Mariah here?" We all blinked a few times before letting him know that Mariah was on a date but she should be home soon, sorry bro. He looked confused.

"Well, I brought beer!" he said, I suppose trying to make friends?

There was dead silence in the apartment.

"That's great! Except...none of us drink," I responded, sensing how awkward he felt.

His bewilderment was apparent. "Well...I guess I'll just put this in the kitchen," he said, moving past me.

"Yeah. So, how do you know Mariah?" I asked, as he tried to get himself and his beer around the many people crowded into the living room.

"We work together at the coffee garden." He said, finally making it to the hallway before the kitchen.

"Hey that's awesome. Wait. Except, Mariah doesn't work at the coffee garden."

The awkward silence was almost as awkward as the previous one.

"Wait...she doesn't? Uhm...am I at the right place? 174 N Main St?" I honestly felt really bad for this guy.

"No...this is 180 N Main St."

Seriously. I didn't know so many awkward silences could exist within such a short period of time.

"Oh." He honestly looked like he didn't know how to handle the situation.

"Uhm. Do you. Uh...you could. Uhm. Well." Seriously. Is there a polite way to say 'this way too the door please leave now'?

He blinked a few times and looked sincerely lost.

"Uh. Well. If you go out the doors and head to the left, you'll find 174." I motioned awkwardly towards the front door. "There are stairs." I added stupidly.

He still looked lost. I didn't want to seem rude and open the front door, so we all just stood there for a few more dreadfully awkward moments.

"All right. Well. It was nice meeting you guys, I guess." He said, opening the front door.

"Hope you find the right apartment..."

Your infinite worth

I can see your pain.

I've always seen it.

I know you thought you did a bang up job of hiding it.

But it was always there.

I could see it in your beautiful blue eyes when you spoke about your father.

I knew you'd had a hard day when I'd see the cans of empty energy drinks littering your coffee table.

You always said you were an open book, letting everyone see everything. But there was always that part of you that you tried so hard to keep locked up.

I could see you struggle to share, the desire you had to let someone else to help you share the ginormous burden you held on your back.

But you always stopped yourself as soon as sharing got too painful.

You went through a lot. You had a lot of people hurt you. You loved so hard, so openly, to everyone. And so many people shut you out, damaged you.

And you still loved. Everyone.

I have never been more inspired in such a short period of time. I've never met someone who's taught me more about people, about loving others, and been such a perfect example of being Christlike at all times.

You hid your pain behind that persona, your signature.

But you became so beautiful to me on those days that you became vulnerable. Those nights, in the dark, the sleepy, tearfilled eyes, the whispered words of honesty.

It's always amazed me, how, after every single thing, you've still opened up your heart to anyone that would take the time to look at you.

Not because you needed more love in your life. You have plenty of people offering their love. But because you wanted to make sure EVERYONE else had a chance to have as much love as possible.

You would've willingly given your life for someone that didn't give you a second thought, because you saw their infinite worth.

And yet, almost no one saw yours.

And the love came pouring in...

I received such a strong response from my last post. I had so many people thanking me for sharing, for being strong, and I had so so so many people telling me how much they loved me.

It makes me incredibly grateful for the people I have around me. The Lord has truly blessed me when he placed people in my life. It felt so good to finally share, to finally get everything off my chest. At first, I felt very vulnerable, almost scared. But, after a day or so, I just felt relief. For about a day or so, people treated me differently. Like I was fragile.

But I'm the same person I was a week and a half ago.

I don't want anyone to treat me any differently just because they understand my past, and what I'm currently going through. I'm the same person. Treat me the same. :)

I'm not always depressed. I have good days. I strive to be as happy as possible. Some days are easier than others. I just want to make sure you all know that.

That being said, my life is so much better now that I've shared. I no longer feel like I have to hide. I feel like I can be open about what I'm going through. I'm talking to the people closest to me and they are helping me considerably.

So, I just wanted to say thank you, to everyone. For your support, your love, everything. :)

See? I'm happy :)

You can only hide for so long

***DISCLAIMER: I am about to basically bare my soul to you. If you find this annoying, please don't read***

"Hey, Aurora, why are you wearing your headband on your forehead like that?"
"Aurora, take the headband off."
"EVERYONE LOOK. AURORA'S A BOY."

I can literally look back at my life, and pinpoint the day that set the ground for my depression.

Now, I'm not saying that I've been depressed since I was 6. And I'm also not saying that someone calling me a boy is a cause for depression.

Let's remember that I was 6.

Earlier that day, my mother had been meaning to cut my bangs. And gosh dang it, I was sick of my bangs. So, I did what any rational 6 year old would do.

I decided to cut them off.

So, 6 year old me walked into our bathroom, climbed onto our little white stool, and cut my bangs at the roots, in a very jagged line. Horrified at the outcome, I hoped my mother wouldn't notice the difference when I walked out of the bathroom.

She noticed.

Later that day, after my sisters baptism, a girl in our ward came up and started making fun of me. And at the tender age of 6, I was crushed. Heart broken.

But I got over it.

However, that was just the first of many incidents with this girl. She would see me at church and whisper mean things in my ear when no one was listening. She'd hit me as she walked past me in the hall. If I saw her outside of church? Perfect, there were less people to watch as she would hit me and say horrible things about me.

This went on for two years.

The very last time I saw her, was the day before my family moved from Missouri to New Mexico. I was 8 years old, and my mother had sent my little sister and I to their house to be babysat so she could do some last minute packing. This girls mother babied my little sister, who was 4, and sent me outside with her daughter.

Let's just say that was a painful day, and then we'll move on, okay?

A lot of people are going to say, "Why didn't you tell anyone?" Well, I tried telling her mother, because I didn't think MY mother could do anything about it. Her mother said that I was making things up. I told my best friend at the time, but really, what can two 7 year old girls do against that 9 year old girl? Absolutely nothing. And I thought that if my older sister got wind of me tattling, and not being able to take a hit, that I would never hear the end of it. And I was very afraid that if I told my mother that this would be something else for her to make fun of me for, another reason to hit me. So, I kept silent.

I lived a very happy, bully-free life for the next couple of years. And I let everything that had happened in Missouri live in the past. I was young, there was no reason to hold a grudge against a girl that had obviously been in pain. I just forgot about the whole thing.

Then, shortly after my 12th birthday, it all started again.

This is where I have to be careful with my stories. This was in my somewhat recent past. I don't want to point fingers, to blame. I have forgiven all those that have hurt me in the past. That being said...I'll continue with my story.

I had been friends with a group of girls. Out of the blue, I was ejected from that group. And that group turned on me. It was rarely physical, but very, very emotional.

I spent a year of my life very depressed. I felt like I didn't have anyone that I could turn to. I wasn't friends with my sisters, my mother, anyone in my family. Literally every friend that I had had, no longer wanted anything to do with me. I was lost. However, I didn't like this uber sad feeling I always had, obviously, so I kept trying. Something my 12 year old brain didn't quite grasp was that I should probably try to make friends ELSEWHERE. But no, I kept trying with the SAME group of girls. If you guessed that NOTHING good came out of this, you would be 110% correct.

I was contemplating suicide. Very strongly. I know this seems extreme, I mean, it wasn't THAT bad. I'm not saying it was rational. It just was. And...I made a few, very feeble, attempts on my life. Please don't press me for details, that's still under lock and key. The thing was, I didn't WANT to die. I just...didn't want to live.

On a very pivotal night, I met someone that totally turned everything around for me. I stopped having suicidal thoughts, for the most part.

As I got older, the bullying and abuse got a little bit easier to handle. But, it was still there, and very prominent in my life. I would get the usual mean words, hateful notes, etc. I'd get thrown in the dumpsters after seminary on a somewhat regular basis. On one occasion it bruised my tailbone severely. I would get judged, and mocked, and made fun of, up until the beginning of the summer 2013.

March 2013 I did something really hard. And...it sorta messed me up. I lost the person I confided in the most, the person that kept my chin up when I was feeling especially insecure, a certain persons comments were really hurting, or my depression was threatening to come back. I no longer had a partner in crime. And guys, I felt so so guilty for what I did. I still do. It's one of those things that has stayed with me for a while.

I betrayed someone's trust so entirely, that I betrayed my own trust. Does that even make sense?

I've been left by a lot people in my life. Only three have impacted the way that I feel about myself. This is one of them. The other two impacted me in different ways, and they are definitely supplementary to my depression, but I'm not at the point where I can rehash those things. They're still a little too personal.

The point of this post is...well, this is my story. I'm letting the cat out of the bag. I can count on one hand how many people know ANY of this story, and I am the sole person that knows all of this.

And now you all know. yayy...

It's about time I share this. Even though this hurts, I have to come to terms with why I feel the way I feel, ya know? I kept allllll of behind VERY thick walls until October 2013. That's a really long time to keep all that pain to yourself. And the first time I told someone about part of this...man, I can't tell you how good it felt. And it gets easier every time I tell part of it. And I have to come to terms with my problems. If you're still reading this, you're probably really bored. Because this story is neither fun or fascinating.

I'm battling with depression, an eating disorder, and self harm. And basically...this is my story.

This post isn't so I can get pity from anyone, but the point of it is basically to say, literally anyone could be struggling. For the most part, I've done a pretty good job of hiding ALL of this. You never know who's struggling.

15 things I learned in my first semester in college

Okay, so, I got a really great response for my last post. It seriously made me feel so so good to hear all that positive feedback. I worked on that post for a few days, so it seriously melted my heart(in the best way possible) to hear all that. Thanks for boosting my ego, ya'll. ;)

I'm currently working on another post that probably won't even be that great, but, in the meantime, here's a list for you that's not even very impressive:

1. It's okay to completely change your plans.

2. It's okay to have a crappy retail job until you get your footing.

3. You (probably) won't marry your first boyfriend into college. That's okay.

4. You can't let anyone else tell you how you're feeling.

5. It's okay to spend a little bit of time trying to figure out who you are, what you believe, how you wanna present yourself.

6. You'll get homesick.

7. Your mom is one of the best people you'll ever know.

8. You don't have to go on pity dates with everyone who asks you.

9. It's okay to cry in the shower.

10. You're gonna want to fold your laundry, or else your roommates might hate you.

11. It's okay to have a day every once in a while to mope around and do nothing.

12. Prioritizing isn't just a myth your mama told you about. You really need to do that stuff.

13. Don't dismiss people right away. Give everyone time to prove themselves.

14. That being said, you don't have to continue spending time with someone who you seriously don't like that you've given a fair chance.

15. It's important to be yourself. Always.