And so it begins...

All right guys.

I'm in Paris. 

Hold up. Allow me to repeat myself. 

I'm in Paris. 

Yeah. This is real. It sure as heck doesn't feel real though. 

The flights here were long. So long. And sleeping on planes is an incredibly difficult task. Despite that, I managed to sleep through breakfast yesterday. Lucky me. I did, however, sit next to a very nice, and interesting, elderly Israeli man on my flight to London. He offered me a sleeping pill. 

The jet lag is crazy. Seriously. 

This is when I started getting REALLY excited. 

Keeping "Taken" in mind (plus, isn't this like an adult version on the man in the van offering you candy?) I kindly declined. 

You can't really tell, but this is when we were flying over Cardiff. You'll just have to trust me. ;)

But then I missed my connecting flight in London. So, after rushing through customs and sprinting to my gate, I ended up waiting an extra few hours in London before I could board my plane to Paris. 

And when I got there, turns out my bag got lost, due to the missed flight. It should've arrived last night, so I'm hoping to find it when I head downstairs. 

Due to all the flight mix ups, my host family was unable to come pick me up, and they sent a car to come get me. I spent the hour car trip to their apartment just soaking everything up. I can't understand anyone, and everyone here seems to be so chic and skinny, and it is incredible. 

There will be so so SO many pictures to come. And these next ones will be way better quality, I promise. ;) 

I listened to the rain all night. Nature is an excellent white noise machine. ;)

I am so excited to begin this adventure. I'm in a beautiful city, with a wonderful family. I have great support back home, and I am so blessed!! 

Cheesy post, and not even sorry

I remember my first day in Salt Lake City like it was yesterday.

Mariah and I walked up A St., what seemed like the biggest hill of my life, with my mother, to go to the leasing office to get the keys to our apartment. Then we got in Mariah's shakey gold minivan and headed over to Main St. to our new apartment.

And the key didn't work.

Naturally, Mariah ran around to the back, where she had left the back door unlocked, and came and opened the porch door, expecting my poor mother and I to jump down 5 feet into my new home.

It smelled old and painty at the same time and I hated it.

Now, 9 months later, the day that I packed up, it still smelled old, but I loved it.

This year has been full of amazing people, and amazing experiences. It's been full of awkward encounters, tears, laughs, freezing cold, smelly kitchens, and Barbie movies. And it's been the best school year I've ever experienced.

So. Shoutout to the amazing people I've met.

Bonnie and Mo-Mo. I could not have asked for better roommates. I mean. Look at this.

I love the way that Mariah keeps a positive mind, no matter the situation. Her love for everyone around her is infectious. She cares so so much. And I love the way that she never wears shoes(the above picture proves my point). I mean, unless forced to, she never wears shoes. You can often find her walking into a room barefoot, getting off of her longboard, and wearing a skirt. It's just how it goes. And I love it. Our taco bell dates, paying all in change, will forever be my favorite. I love that Mariah was patient with me the first three months, and we were able to get over our adversity towards one another, because she is now so so close to my heart, and I couldn't replace that.

And Bonnie. Bonnie and I clicked right away. I remember her calling me from outside the apartment, telling me that she was here, but wasn't sure where it was. I came out in mypajamas, and she was standing there, just the most adorable thing I'd ever seen in her basketball shorts. She almost peed herself when I made a joke about using voice commands to hang up, and I wondered if that was normal. I thought we were close at the end of last semester, but as I look from where we are right now, it's hard to believe that I ever thought that was close. I've missed her these last two weeks since she left.

God really blessed me when he paired me with these two this year. I will be forever grateful.

And here's a quick shoutout to a few other lovelies.

"Noraa" for being the glue that started our relationship with him and Matt, and encouraging me in my grape stuffing pursuits. He introduced me to a new way of card playing, and always answers my health questions, with a vast knowledge that puts me in awe.

And Mr. Matt Dobbins. He came into our lives for roughly three weeks, but he's kept in contact this entire semester, and it always warms my heart when he surprise visits us. This sweetheart bought us groceries once when we were living off of avocadoes, and he was the start to the majority of our adventures last semester.

Much unlike our norm, we met these two boys within the first few weeks of the Winter Semester. They have been the cause of so much joy and laughter.

Rex is so enthusiastic about his plans to "take over the world" and he is so hard working, it is inspiring. He reminds me of my father in the best possible way, and his love for the gospel always blows me off my feet. Hearing him talk about his mission is one of my favorite things. I strongly support him moving to Provo this fall.

(I couldn't pick only one picture of my three boys, so you get three. Ha)

Justin reminds me of the importance of knowing what it is that you believe and you support. He takes nothing for granted, and he makes sure that he studies all of his beliefs, being so informed that it'll knock your socks off. Justin taught me that I don't need to be ashamed of who I am, and what I struggle with. We became so comfortable so fast that it was crazy ridiculous. He's been my confidant all semester and I love him so much for it.

And then Jake. Jake appeared in my apartment one night when I came home from work. We met Jake last semester, but we didn't decide to invite him into our home on a regular basis until a month ago. Thanks to whichever member of the group decided he was the perfect addition, because he definitely has been. Jake has a vast knowledge of the best places to build bonfires, and is super great at making faces for the camera, nbd. (And like Rex, I 110% support his possible decision to move to Provo this fall.)

These three boys this semester have been such a blessing and such a source of comfort.

My heart is heavy as I prepare to leave Salt Lake in two days. I'm so excited for this summer and the wonderful opportunities that I have, but part of me doesn't want to leave Utah. Or rather, I'd like to take the three boys, and my two lovely roommates, and stick them in my pocket, and bring them to Paris with me.

Please.

I will forever be grateful for the experiences that I've had this year, and the friends that I've made, and I fully expect to stay in contact with each of them, and I also expect to receive wedding invites to the rest of their weddings(Aaron got married last week, and Mariah gets married June 28th!), because I can't imagine not being in contact with these wonderful people for the rest of my life.

Don't have too much fun in Utah without me ;)

The post we've(I) been waiting for

Okay guys.

This post has been a long time coming.

I've been waiting until everything got finalized, before I posted anything.

I am so excited.

On May 29th, I leave to spend the summer in Paris, France.

Yeah. You all read that right.

Paris.

I'm going to be an Au Pair there for the summer. I'll be living literally two blocks from the Eiffel Tower.

After the initial month, once the kids are on Holiday, we're spending the remaining two months traveling around the rest of France, and the UK.

I'll be back sometime in the beginning of September.

I feel like, in my head, this post was a thousand times longer. Because I have been waiting to write this post since February. It's just taken a while to get all of the paper work done, and have everything finalized with my host family. I put my notice in at both of my jobs, and I just bought my plane ticket.

Guys. This is happening.

I'm going to France.

I'll be missing out on a few experiences this summer that I'm a bit bummed about, but honestly, what could be better than a summer in France?

I'll be posting updates on here all the time. So, stay posted.

Peace, homies.

The only thing left is prayer

There are billions of people on this planet. Billions.

And you pass by at least a dozen of those people a day. On a normal day, I come in contact with a few hundred.

And to us, each of those people is just a face. Just a body. Sometimes, even just an object.

But those people, whose faces just become a part of the masses, has entire lives, with hundreds of people aware of them, worrying about them, caring about them.

You would never know, walking by a random face, that they just got married. Or that they got the promotion that they were hoping for. Or that the cut their finger while making salad the night before. Or that they've had a loved one pass.

A week ago, a good friend of mine experienced a great loss. His wife of one month, Kaitlin Bridge, passed. Kaitlin had leukemia, and had relapsed in the beginning of March. Their wedding wasn't scheduled until mid-April, but they got special permission from her doctor to postpone her admittance to the hospital by a few days so they could get married. They were sealed in the Salt Lake City Temple, and she was admitted to the hospital to start chemo the next day.

It broke my heart when I heard that she had passed.

Kaitlin was such a sweet, sweet girl. And I had been friends with her new husband, Connor, for a while. I sat at work after hearing the news, at a loss for words, as tears came to my eyes.

I know that the Lord has a knowledge of all things, past and present, and that there was a reason he brought one of His beloved daughters back to him earlier than those of us on earth would've liked. I don't understand, but it gives me hope, knowing that they had the chance to be sealed, and that she is smiling down on him, pain free, wishing him the best.

My love and prayers continue to go out to Connor, and Kaitlin's family.

<3

"It's all in your head"

There are a lot of mixed ideas about anxiety. And unless you have anxiety, it's hard to really understand what the big deal is. Before I had my first attack, I honestly thought it was people overreacting.

But then you get hit with an attack and you literally don't know how to deal with it. Because it's a brand new sensation, one you never want to relive. It's one of those things that, when you explain it to someone who doesn't suffer from anxiety, they simply don't get it. Like you once were, they think it's all in your head.

But that's the thing. It IS all in your head.

That doesn't make it any less credible, less painful, or less significant. It's just simply that it's a mental disorder, and those without it, can't wrap their heads around it.

I've had people tell me to just deal with it. That it's not a big deal. That I probably have some other sort of problem that I'm overlooking, a bigger problem. I've been told to focus on other things, rather than my attack.

You wouldn't tell someone with the flu to simply "not think about it", right? Because if you stop thinking about your physical ailment, you'll be cured, right?

No.

I'm not saying positive energy doesn't help. I'm just saying that it's a lot more complicated than that.

Everyone experiences anxiety slightly differently. I mean, it's not a cookie cutter thing.

The first time you have one is possibly one of the most terrifying attacks you'll ever have. And it'll hit you at a time you didn't expect. You knew that the bell tower made you feel uncomfortable, but you had no idea it would make your head spin. Sirens had always made your hair stand on end, but the helplessness you feel just doesn't make sense.

It's a hot, trapped pain in your chest. You feel tight and irritable. That's how I know it's coming. my chest just feels constricted by something so incredibly warm in the most uncomfortable way, and you want so desperately to escape but you simply can't.

As the attack intensifies, your heart rate sky-rockets. Your breathing becomes shallow and quick, as your mind is filled with panic-ridden thoughts. You want to cry, and sometimes do, from the physical and emotional pain of it all.

Sometimes it passes quickly. Sometimes it's only a few minutes of headache and tears. But sometimes it can last much longer.

The whole time the attack is going on, you just feel despair. You don't know what to do, or how to handle it, as hot tears roll down your cheeks. You feel at a loss. You feel miserable, and in pain. And you just want it to stop. And you don't have control over it.

This is how anxiety feels.

It's not a hopeless cause though, as it seems. During attacks, it honestly feels like nothing you could do could fix it. You feel so powerless.

But there are ways that I've learned that have helped considerably. At the beginning, when I start to feel hot and tight, I do temperature and texture changes. I clutch an ice cube, run my hands under cold water, or step outside. I have certain procedures that I do whenever I feel an attack coming. It's almost reflex. If the temperature doesn't lessen or stop it enough, I grab a fuzzy blanket and rub it between my fingers. I know it seems silly, it's almost a security blanket.

There are definitely ways to prevent or lessen the pain that is afflicted when an attack hits.

The thing that makes it the easiest to go through is knowing there's someone that will empathize with you after. Bonnie doesn't feel what I'm feeling, but she doesn't discredit my mental state or my emotions, and we work out what triggered the attack, so I can learn to prevent a future one.

Anxiety is a delicate thing. Treat those who suffer with love. Don't put down their emotions because you don't understand. That's honestly the worst thing you could do. even if you don't necessarily seek to understand why or what is happening, at least empathize.

Don't grow up

The longer I've lived away from home, the more grateful I am for my wonderful parents and all they've done for me.

I remember many, many years, however, when I didn't feel like this. At all. I remember resenting my parents wishes and regulations, and kicking against the pricks.

The more I've thought about this over the last few months, the more I've been reminded of my many younger siblings, specifically my sisters. They're going through the same things that I went through. So, this post is dedicated to my younger sisters, so they don't make the same mistakes that I did.

1. Love our parents.
Take a moment and just revel in the love our parents have for you. Not every kid has it as lucky as us, with parents who are so understanding and accepting, and so full of love. The love they have for us is equal and unconditional. Let them know that you're grateful for that love.

2. Listen to our parents.
I know that a lot of the things our parents say don't make sense. Or they do make sense, but we feel like we know better than them. Please trust me when I say that they know better than we do. if they advise you not to date a boy, listen to them. If they enforce curfew, keep up your end. If they ask you to stay in one night, please, PLEASE listen to them. They have years of experience, and insights that you don't. Take advantage of those, because you no longer have the close guidance once you move out.

3. Respect our parents.
Last one of these, I promise. Even if you obey our parents to the letter, it won't mean much if you don't respect them and their decisions. One of the best ways to show love is through respect. Let them know that, even though you might not understand all of their desires and decisions, you at least trust and respect their judgment. They were once your age. They get it. I promise.

4. Squeeze the kiddos.
You have roughly a thousand siblings. ;) But seriously, we were so lucky to get so many wonderful siblings. And I know it's sometimes hard to appreciate them when you're living with them, but remind each other that you love each other. Give hugs and kisses openly to each other.

5. Your words mean a lot.
Use your words wisely. They can have so much weight. Pick your words carefully, and speak like you would like to be spoken to.

6. Learn.
Once you move out, you'll be working, you'll have an enormous school work load, and the time to learn whatever your heart desires will be over much too quickly. Take advantage of this time. Soak up knowledge and experience. Cook lots. Learn how to clean(seriously). Snuggle with mom and read books together. Go on walks around the neighborhood. Go rock hunting. Take pictures of the sunset. Make mudpies(in a contained area, so mom doesn't kill me ;) ). Draw pictures and hang them on the wall(but please don't draw pictures ON the wall, this isn't Croods). Spend time just enjoying the presence of your siblings and parents. Don't hide in your rooms on Sunday. Lay on the floor with Dad and the puppy, listen as he falls asleep reading "Work and the Glory" to you. Pay attention when you all watch "17 Miracles". Soak everything up.

7. Be creative.
In every way possible. Learn what you love doing, explore everything.

8. Your family are the best friends you could have.
Friend. Boyfriend. Girlfriend. All of the above include the word "end". But family doesn't. We all want to get to the Celestial Kingdom together, and you won't be going with the cute boy from Sunday School(probably), or the friend down the street. I'm not saying that those aren't relationships worth cultivating, but the most important relationships are those within the home.

9. Talk to our parents.
When something is wrong, please tell them. This is seriously one of the things I regret the most, now that I've moved out. Things are so much harder to deal with when you're dealing with them alone. Talk to mom about all of your feelings. Have debates with add about health and fitness ideas. Cry in their arms when something goes wrong, and feel no shame. Because they will always love and support you, no matter your problem.

10. Keep your eyes on the Lord.
This is so important. It's very easy to lose sight of this, and it just gets harder once you move away from home. Solidify your standards now, so there will be no questions later. I know you've heard this a thousand times in Sunday School, but this is so important. Be steadfast, and never have any doubt in the Lord.

I miss each of you every single day. I miss your goofy smiles, the way you'd use my legs as a jungle gym, and how you can't pronounce your "r's" yet. The pictures mom and dad send of you melt my heart. You will never know the degree of love everyone has for you.

Ya'll are adorable. I love you. Keep dancing to Enya and Jack Johnson. I'll see you in a month and a half!

Love, your big sister <3

When all else is gone, at least there is bacon

Life has been going so fast the past month or so, I have barely enough time to breathe.

About a month ago, I picked up a second job. I am now working between 60 and 80 hours a week.

I've been making a lot of plans and preparations for this summer and next semester.

I've been learning a second language.

I've been doing homework like crazy, and I still seem to be failing.

Bonnie and I dipped our toes into the paleo pool a little over two weeks ago.

I still drink a lot of kombucha.

I would never waste bacon.

My lovely family came to visit and gah I love them so much.

I have a few huuuuuge updates, but, nothing is set in stone yet. So. You'll have to wait another month or so to get information on them.

I seriously feel as though my creative pool has been drained, because I feel as if I never have anything to share here.