The power of No

I was having a conversation with a friend this morning about a recent experience with a guy, and she stopped and said, "You know, I wish I could just copy and paste this conversation and just post it online. Because guys don't realize how hard it is to say no. And they don't understand that just because she isn't saying no out loud and there's no sex doesn't make it okay."

Since it was kinda a personal experience, obviously I don't really want it copy and pasted all over the internet. BUT. It got me thinking.

I called my mother this morning, after the conversation with the friend, and gave her the watered down version of the story and told her that I was upset, and why. And we talked about how it's hard, as a female, to say no.

Now, before any guys get out their pitchforks and start yelling about how girls have turned them down, calm down, don't get your panties in a wad, and listen.

Obviously every girl and every guy is different. So not every girl will be able to relate to me. Not every guy is going to be like the guys I will describe in this post. I have met SO many guys who are wonderfully respectful and amazing. Obviously there will be a variation in behaviors all across the board.

I've always had a really hard time saying no. I feel mean. I have NEVER said no to a date before. And this is 100% due to the fact that I don't want to upset those guys. I mean, guys, I feel for you. You have to work up the courage to ask out this girl. And then she says no? I am so so sorry. And so, I have always said yes. I mean, if a second date comes around and I don't want to go, I say so, because at that point it would be unfair in a totally different way.

But I digress.

When I was in my middle school age-early teen years, I was a really quiet and reserved person. I never stood up for myself(which is a different post), and I never voiced my opinions. And coming out of that phase has been a struggle. I still identify myself as an introverted quiet girl.

I remember being newly 16, and getting a phone call from a boy that I had had a HUGE crush on previously, and he asked me on a date. I was, obviously, SO excited. It was set up as a double date(which was the rule), and when they came to pick me up I was practically bouncing, because this boy liked me enough to ask me out! Woohoo!

As the night progressed, however, my opinion of the date changed dramatically. We all went to a movie theater, and he got very handsy. I voiced my opinion once, quietly, that I didn't want to be close to him. I ended up excusing myself and sitting in the bathroom for half an hour. When I came back, I sat as far away from him in my seat as possible. But he just reached over and grabbed me and pulled me close to him. And since my first statement of "I don't want to sit this close to you" had gone ignored, I didn't see the point of saying anything else, and so I subtly tried to move occasionally away from him. Which obviously didn't work. And I figured that it wasn't that big of a deal. When he took me home, he tried to kiss me, but I leaned away and opened my front door really quickly and said goodnight. And I haven't spoken to that boy since then.

Unfortunately, last year I was in a really toxic relationship. I was afraid of the guy I was dating. I didn't know how to break up with him though, because of the circumstances, and I thought that I would get hurt if I tried to break it off. So instead, I just ignored his texts and tried to act disinterested in public settings. Obviously, the relationship had started because of a mutual interest. This guy was a real charmer(aren't all the worst guys like this, though?). Shortly after we started dating(we're talking just a few weeks into it), he asked for inappropriate pictures. I was shocked, and since it was just via text, I politely told him that I didn't think so. From there, it escalated to threats of being molested, to him coming to my apartment one night when none of my roommates were home and attempting to force himself on me. Luckily I had enough adrenaline that I punched him where it hurt and told him to leave, and he did. Shortly thereafter, I moved, and hallelujah, I haven't seen him since.

And my last story(I'm sorry for being long winded). Very recently, I had a friend of mine invite me to hang out with him and a few other friends. Since I'm planning on leaving Utah in a few weeks, I accepted, and we hung out. However, throughout the night, he kept attempting to hold my hand and be close to me and cuddle and I expressed my discomfort to him. I told him that I felt weird and wrong and I mentioned my boyfriend, Seth, that I still wasn't at a point where I wanted to be dating anyone. And he said something along the lines of, "Yes, I can understand how that would be weird" and didn't let go of me. And, like with my first story, I tried to move away from him slowly, but it didn't really work. At the end of the night, he pulled out of a hug and kissed me. It wasn't something I wanted to happen and I was really upset.

The key here, is that in these situations(especially with the first and last) that I expressed my discomfort, but didn't receive any sort of feedback, and so I felt uncomfortable and unsure of what to say or do. And I know SO many girls who have experienced the same thing in varying degrees.

I understand that not every guy is like this, and I understand that there are a lot of guys who would respect a girl and their desires. This post isn't about those boys.

Like I said at the beginning of this post. Just because it isn't about sex doesn't make this any less important. We're not talking about consent, but I guess we sort of are. We're talking about comfort and respect.

Girls, I know we feel obligated to be nice to a guy. And so we feel that, as long as it's not a SERIOUS issue, that it's okay if we just grin and bear it, because they didn't respond well to our requests.

But girls. We deserve so much better. We deserve to be respected. It doesn't matter how significant or insignificant the situation. This isn't okay. It's okay to say "no".

I'm saying this for myself just as much as anyone else. It's okay to say "I don't feel comfortable" and it's okay to remove yourself from the situation if they don't respond well.

But also, boys, if a girl very quietly expresses that she has different desires than you, YOU NEED TO LISTEN. Just because it's a very small comment doesn't mean it's a small request. Just like it took you a lot of courage to ask her out, it took a lot of courage for her to speak up.

Rant over. Sorry guys.

Falling slowly

I will not fall for you all at once. No, I'll fall for you gradually-falling for the little things. Like the way you laugh mid-kiss sometimes, and look at me like you can't believe what's happening. Or the way you reach over in your sleepy state and pull me close to you as if you cannot keep me close enough. Or simply the way you look at me when I laugh; laughing with you is my favorite. It's like looking directly into your core and seeing how truly vulnerable you can be; laughing with me yet hoping I won't break your heart. But what you don't know is that I could never break your heart, because it is the most beautiful thing about you.


I remember the day you told me about the skeletons in your closet, as I told you about mine. Opening up to reveal your vulnerabilities says a lot about you. I remember holding you and telling you that everyone has baggage, but I wanted to be the person to help you pack that baggage and take you on an adventure.


What I wanted so badly for you to see is that I'm the girl who will be there for you when you need reminding how amazing you are, because life has you convinced otherwise. The girl who will cherish any time spent with you, simply because it is a chance to be near to you. I'm the girl who will make you homemade chicken noodle soup and herbal tea when you're not feeling well. I'm the girl that will keep you around even if you jump the gun and tell me you love me on the second date, because I can see that you're doing your best to express your feelings.


You're the boy that saw my scars. You kissed the physical ones, and you accepted my emotional ones. You assured me that past was past, and I told you that mistakes don't define you. You're the boy that accepted me for who I was, and loved every inch of me.


I want to be the girl who stands by you through every moment of self-doubt, and reminds you of the qualities I see every time I look at you.


I want you to see my scars, when they're distorted by wrinkles and sun spots, and kiss them and tell me you love me for everything.


I want to continue falling for you slowly, every single day. I'll fall when I hear you laugh, the way the skin around your eyes crinkle up and your eyes seem to dance. I'll fall when you grab my hand, and I'll feel electricity transfer from your skin to mine. I'll fall when you look me in the eyes and tell me you love me, when my heart feels on fire, because I know I love you too.

Tender Mercies

I'm just feeling really grateful lately, for:

-Roommates who can offer words of comfort when I'm sad.

-Emails.

-A great bishop.

-A job.

-Good books.

-Sisters who lend me said books.

-Cute underwear.

-A body that is finally functioning well enough to need three meals a day.

-A group of girls that have missionary boyfriends and understand me.

-A boyfriend who is devoting himself to the Lord.

-Hair.

-The Postal service.

-The American Humane Society.

-Tator Tots.

-Stuffed animals to squeeze when I'm lonely.

-Kittens.

-The knowledge to cook(s/o to my mama).

-A wonderful, supporting family.

-A car that gets amazing gas mileage.

-Gloves to keep my hands warm while I drive.

-Ballet.

-Friends from Freshman year that have stuck around.

-Mondays.

-Etsy.

-Selfie taking skills(gotta be grateful for everything, ya know?).

-A heart that is capable of feeling so much.

-The gospel.

-Taylor Swift.

-Kombucha.

-Edamame.

-Snail Mail.

-Amazon.com.

-Stores that carry giftcards, so I don't have to go to every individual place to purchase them.

-Groupon.

-A roommate that is willing to act as a soundboard when necessary.

-A roommate that will let me talk about my boyfriend for hours on end and not complain.

-A boyfriend that is worth talking about for hours.

-My mother.

-Lint rollers.

-Chinese takeout.

-The fact that I don't have a tumor in my brain(still celebrating this, even though it's been a few months).

-Public transportation.

-The library.

The chance to say Hello

I've said goodbye in many places. Wal-Mart parking lots, driveways, at my door, at your door, inside a car, at the MTC... Being in a long distance relationship, you end up saying a lot of goodbyes.

I remember at the end of your first visit. I had no idea the kind of impact you would have on my life. I said goodbye briefly at my door, not even giving you a hug.

And I remember our last goodbye. Full of tears and feelings of my heart being broken, wanting to comfort you but not being able to.

You would think after so many months of goodbyes, that they would be getting easier.

But being in a long distance relationship makes me cherish our moments more. Every time we have an entire weekend together, I savor every moment, knowing that we may not have moments like these for a while.

I've been in long distance relationships before this. But never one that left me feeling secure and loved no matter how far away you were.

The nature of this kind of relationship calls for a lot of goodbyes. A lot of moments apart.

But the nature of this relationship welcomes so many hellos. Hellos that mean so much because of the time spent away. Hellos that are cherished and longed for and looked forward to.

I would say a thousand goodbyes to have the change to say just that one Hello.

Oops

So, obviously, my plan to post a self-portrait every week failed after just two weeks. Apparently I'm not good at committing myself to posting unless I'm travelling and have exciting things to update you on. But, I have excuses ready to explain why I never posted/finished that project...

Excuse #1: I was taking 17 credits at school. (And it kinda sucked/overwhelmed me)

Excuse #2: I was working two part time jobs.

Excuse #3: I was in a long distance relationship.

 

I feel bad for stating the last one, because I make it seem like an inconvenience. The only reason I can get away with this post is because said boyfriend just left on a mission, and he won't be reading this post. So ha!

I debated with myself a lot on whether or not to write this post, because in the past, this blog has been to discuss topics that are interesting/talk about travelling, and I didn't really use it to just give updates on my life. And then I remembered that this is MY blog and I can post whatever I want.

Proof that I can post whatever I want!

But if you're not into me posting all about my missionary boyfriend, I get that, and you don't have to read.

(Also, I promise to maybe start posting more, and I also promise that not all of them will be Seth-related. #sorrynotsorry)

This semester was a whirlwind and I loved every second of it.**

**That was a lie. My bad.

I'm gonna start from the beginning and this may be boring and I'm sorry and really, you don't have to read the whole thing.

Fall of 2013, I started living with Bonnie Doughty(seriously one of my favorite people on this planet!!). I am an avid tweeter, and so I ended up mentioning her a lot on my twitter profile. Because of Bonnie's contagiously outgoing personality and adorable innocence, essentially every guy that meets her falls head over heels at some point. A boy from Bonnies past(who had crushed on her hardcore when he was 14-15) started favoriting all of the tweets I posted concerning her, and he eventually just started following me, occasionally replying to me to express how hilarious he found me.

I hate admitting that our relationship budded online, so I'll just mention that last October,  when I worked at Forever 21, Seth came in and bought the ugliest shirt I've ever seen, and he remembers me very well. So. We met in person first(ha!).

Towards the end of my stay in France, Seth reached out to me and started talking to me a lot, and we got to know each other and became really good friends. Once I was back in Orem, he borrowed his sisters car and drove up to take me to lunch, and we hit it off better than I could have ever imagined or anticipated, and we've essentially been inseparable ever since. Despite the fact that he lived in Southern Utah, a 4 hour drive away from me, we would find ways to see each other almost weekly.

Seth left on his mission this last Wednesday, on January 7th, and I couldn't be more proud of him. I am honestly so excited for him and the experiences he'll have over the next two years, and I'm also excited for me and the experiences that I'll get to have.

The whole family(plus me) dropping him off at the MTC!

I feel like the topic of "Missionary Girlfriends" is somewhat frowned upon, so I want to discuss it a little bit.

Before I met Seth, I was one of those people that would roll their eyes every single time I saw someone post anything about their "missionary boyfriend". My older sister once started waiting for a missionary, but ended up getting married to someone different right after the missionary got home(**Which is great, the guy she married was perfectly matched for her and it was the person she was supposed to marry). It's definitely been a humbling experience, dating someone who is on a mission. And I've been getting a lot of support from my mother, my roommate, and the various facebook groups for Missionary Girlfriends that I'm now a part of.

Everyone waits for missionaries different ways(even though I'm not "waiting") and I feel like there is a lot of negative energy towards both the girlfriends and the missionaries. The purpose of my post isn't to debate which way is right, or to discount anyone's methods or feelings, but it slightly makes my blood boil when someone says that "as soon as you find another guy to kiss you'll forget about him" or "a lot can happen in two years". A lot happens in two years, a lot WILL happen in two years, I am not limiting myself while Seth is gone, I'm open to any experiences that happen to me, etc. However, even if I DID chose to officially wait and I didn't date anyone while he was gone, would that be anyone's place to judge me? No.

Also like how you shouldn't judge this picture.

Sorry, I digress.

I mean, I feel that this post didn't really have a point other than the fact that I've read enough blog posts discounting "Missionary Girlfriends" that I was getting mad. The decision for a girl to wait for a missionary is the same as a girls decision to date someone that is physically present with them constantly. They're different methods, but they have the same purpose and the same end goal. You never know what the relationship or connection is between two people, so don't judge or discount any other persons decisions or relationships because it's different than yours or how you would handle the situation.

The day he went into the MTC. Also wearing the same shirt as on our first date, cuz I'm cheesy that way.

Rant over.

2+2=?

This weeks picture is because I've been crazy studying for a math test this week(among a few other tests) and I feel like my brain is getting dumber the longer I study....

But you guys, Halloween is this weekend, and my boyfriend is coming up and we're being Mary Poppins and Burt and it's going to be the cutest thing ever, essentially. And then my two tests are tomorrow and Wednesday and that'll be out of the way and I'm excited for that.

Aside from that, I was incredibly sick over the weekend, but the worst part is over, hallelujah.

AND, for anyone that was out of the loop, I'm blonde now! Crazy. as this picture demonstrates...We'll see how long it lasts. ;)

Please expect adorable Halloween pictures next week. :)

If a picture says a thousand words...

I've been back from France for almost two months now. It's really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that it's really already been two months since I've been back. That's 2/3 of how long I was actually in France. Thankfully, my time in France didn't fly by nearly as quickly as this semester has so far. And I'm also grateful for how quickly this semester has flown by...

However, the fact that I've been back from France for two months also means that I haven't posted here in almost two months.

School happened. And that's okay.

To get myself to post here on a consistent basis again, however, I'm going to be doing a weekly post dedicated to a self-portrait that depicts how my week went. So it'll be kind of fun, but it will also challenge me artistically. This is in part due to the fact that I'm really trying to get my photography business started up again. (PS, if you or anyone you know in the Utah Valley needs a photographer, send them my way. If you mention my blog or this post, I'll give you 10% off)

Being back in school has been really busy and stressful and I've been crazy slammed trying to keep on top of homework and two jobs. And I'm doing an all right job, I like to think.

So, here's my self-portrait for this past week. Normally I'll be posting these on Sundays, right before the new week starts. So lucky you, you sorta get two photos this week. ;)

Because I've been drowning in homework