When I Find Myself at a Loss of Words...

I often find myself looking at my husband, and I have a loss of words. I, someone who prides herself on being very good with words, can't think of a single word to describe how I feel.

There have been times that I've tried to explain to him these thoughts, these word-less thoughts. But I'm met with somewhat blank stares as the words struggle to leave my tongue.

I so badly want to be able to express the way I feel.

There had been so many times while I was a teenager, that I was ready to give up. There were times that I did give up. There were times that I thought my life was over, and that was how I intended it to be. I had my heart broken, by friends, situations, boys. I felt lonely. I felt the weight of so many things a young 13 year old girl shouldn't have to deal with. Or a 16 year old girl. Or an 18 year old girl.

And he makes all of that worth it.

I've always understood that we experience everything for a reason. Everything is put in our path to help us learn lessons. I've had nights where I sobbed in my bed, paced my kitchen screaming my feelings, and drowned my feelings in a bath, as I wished that I'd never had to learn these lessons. Getting mad at God for teaching me lessons is such painful ways. I knew I was supposed to learn these things. But I didn't want to learn them.

But as these experiences are in my past, and as I look at my husband sitting next to me as we eat breakfast on a Sunday morning, I'm grateful that I learned these lessons. And I'm grateful that he learned painful lessons as well. Because they shaped us into the people that we are now, and they prepared us to be with each other.

Getting to roll over every morning and feel his arms pull me closer to him, it makes me glad I never gave up.

At work about a month ago or so, a handful of my coworkers got into a conversation about "settlers and reachers" in a relationship. By their theory, in every relationship there is one individual that settles, and one that has to reach to meet the other. I mentioned it to Seth and we kinda laughed about it. The thing is, we each feel like we're the reacher. I look at Seth, and I think he is so handsome. I think he is a beautiful person, inside and out. I see the most tender and sweet man I've ever met. I've never had someone treat me as well as he does. And I ask myself daily how I got to be so lucky to get to have him as my eternal companion. But I know that Seth feels the same. Which makes me feel even more loved, even more valuable.

I've been having horrible nightmares over the past few months, waking me up with panic attacks and a cold sweat. Seth is always so patient with them, always waking up and coming to my side to comfort me. Just a few nights ago, I was dreading going to sleep because of a particularly bad nightmare I'd had a few nights before. So he held me in bed, and sang to me until I fell asleep. I felt so blessed to have someone who cared so much about me.

I can't imagine that I'm an easy person to be married to. I love cooking but hate doing dishes, folding laundry is the bane of my existence, and I never replace the roll of toilet paper. I have anxiety and depression, and Seth leaves me every morning worried that I'll be safe throughout that day. Not just "I hope the roads are safe on her way to work", but he worries about my mental and emotional state, because what isn't keeping me safe is myself. He worries about me every single time I'm not with him. Because he wants to protect me and he wants me to be safe. But he knows that I'm a big girl and I can keep myself safe. It doesn't stop him from worrying, though.

Seth accepts every single issue I bring forth, and doesn't even blink an eye. He loves me, and all of my injuries, issues, and insecurities, and he does it all unconditionally.

I look over at my husband every morning as he's still sleeping, and my eyes look over his cheekbones, crooked nose, and messy hair, and I love every inch of it. I think he's breathtaking in those soft moments.

I looked over at him while we sat in a theater a few months back, and watched his face as he took in the music and dancing in front of us. I watched his reaction, witnessed the love that he had for the art, the desire within him, and felt his hand on mine. And I swear I'd never seen a more attractive being.

I looked at him on May 15th as I held his hands and felt tears come to my eyes, as we promised ourselves to each other. I looked at him and felt my whole body fill with so much love that I thought I wouldn't be able to stand. I thought I could never feel so much of an emotion as I did on that day.

But I prove myself wrong every day. Every day when I look at his beautiful face, my heart leaps forward, propelling me to him. I lose my breath as I am reminded of how much I love him.

I am finding myself, again, at a loss of words to try to describe the way he makes me feel. I guess this is what love is supposed to feel like. I can very confidently say that I never felt this kind of love before I met this man I am lucky enough to call my husband. I laugh when I remember the boys I once thought I "loved".

I don't think I'll ever be able to articulate my thoughts coherently enough to explain how in love I am with Seth. But for now, it is enough to just know he feels the same way.

McCausland Family Update

First of all, Seth and I are alive and well.

Look how happy and married we are!!

So many things have happened over the last few months that we've been married.

We got a dog. He is the sweetest dog, and a wonderful addition to our little family. I'm grateful for him everyday. He keeps us company when only one of us is home, he keeps us safe(we live in a pretty ghetto neighboorhood...), and he loves us so much that it makes us feel like a family. He's a rescue, and he's about 8 years old. So, he's a grumpy old man, but we still adore him.

This picture is SUPPOSED to make you scared of our dog. 

Seth and I both got new jobs. Or rather, I got a new job, and Seth got a promotion. We both enjoy where we work, and we're happy.

I'm sorry..

We got bed bugs. This was one of the most stressful experiences of my life. We'd been getting bitten since we first moved into the apartment earlier in the summer. But, we had a huge spider problem in the apartment, and we assumed it was that. Once the spiders went away, and we were still getting bitten, we started exploring all the other options. We didn't even consider it being bed bugs, until one day we went to go wash our sheets, and the bed bugs had gotten bad enough that we could see them. I'll spare you the details, just know it was disgusting. I was also sick that day, so we had to spend that day switching back and forth from me throwing up, and us hauling the infested mattress out to the dump. It was kinda a miserable week. Thank heavens, we are now bed bug free. We are able to sleep through the night without waking up to itch the myriad of bites covering our bodies. So, we're happy.

This is our "we're exhausted because of bed bugs" face.

I went back to school. It's just been part time(nothing like the 17 credits I was taking last year). It's been a struggle, trying to juggle part time school with a full time job, but now that the semester is almost half over, haha, I'm getting the hang of it. I changed my major to English/Writing with a minor in French. I am loving it.

I started writing more. I know I haven't been writing HERE very much, but I really have been writing. I started writing for LDR Blogs, which is a website based on Long Distance Relationships. Because my LDR has ended(since Seth and I are now married), I don't write here a ton. However, I also got hired on at Unwritten, where I write about 2 articles a week. It has been such a wonderful creative outlet, and it's wonderful knowing that I'm a published author. And it's been a wonderful starting point. I just recently got offered to write basically the same type of articles, but to get paid for it(!!!) at a similar website. So, I'm just beginning to dip my toes into that. We'll see how well it works out. I'm excited for this new adventure, though.

This is how smart I look when I'm writing stuff.

I lost weight, and Seth gained weight. Since Seth and I started dating(which is when I stopped blogging so much) I was about 40 pounds heavier than I am now. So, I lost quite a bit of weight. Most of it was before we got married. I am very pleased, though, that instead of gaining marriage weight, I've lost about 5 pounds since we got married. And Seth has been putting on some weight(I've been trying to feed him more caloricly dense food) and he's pretty pleased with that.

There have been other milestones and things that we've accomplished since getting married, that don't really seem like things that we'd share with he public. But Seth has gotten cast in Forever Plaid at a theater in Magna, I've gotten a better handle on my anxiety(which has been huge for me), and we have grown together SO much.

We are so happy, and I am so blessed every single day for the wonderful man I get to call my husband.

We are so blessed. I am so happy to have a wonderful partner who I have the opportunity to spend forever with.

We love you all!!

I Would Walk 500 Miles...

When you start dating someone, two separate worlds are being combined, forced to mesh in places, while other aspects join together flawlessly.

Every relationship is different, and there are different "deal breakers" in every couples view.

Being Long Distance, a lot of those things don't come out until you get the opportunity to spend more time with someone in person, which sometimes means that you've been dating for a significant amount of time already.

By the time Seth realized that I had a problem, we'd already been dating for a few months, he was head over heels for me, and he was way too invested in our relationship for him to end it.

I have a horrible taste in music.

Well, at least, according to HIM.

I think my taste in music is fine.

Seth likes Indie/Hipster/very obscure music.

Which I also enjoy, don't get me wrong.

But I am definitely a "I know every Taylor Swift song ever by heart" kind of girl. Pop music is my love. More often than not, Seth ends up rolling his eyes and listening to my music somewhat begrudgingly.

Seth may disagree on these songs, but these are ten songs that I feel like perfectly describe Seth's and my relationship.

Lucky (Jason Mraz)

Little Things (One Direction)

I'm Gonna Be(500 Miles) (Sleeping At Last)

Perfect For Me (Ron Pope)

The Girl (City and Colour)

Can't Stop Thinking About You (Steve Moakler)

Come to Me (Goo Goo Dolls)

The Quiz (Hello Saferide)

Kiss You (One Direction)

Trumpets (Jason Derulo)


Inspired by this ldr blog prompt: Top Ten.

A smile, and the best surprise

Last winter was surprisingly mild, but you wouldn't hear me complaining. The one time we got hit with snow was at the end of December/beginning of January, and we didn't see it again. I was grateful for the warmth during the summer. I was also grateful for the clear roads.

Last December, it had been a few weeks longer seeing Seth than I was used to. The longest we usually went without each other was two weeks(we were spoiled, as long as long distance relationships were concerned). I had been searching for a car, and the plan was to drive down to visit him the week before I went home for Christmas. It had been almost a month since I'd last seen him, and I was sorely disappointed that my car search had turned up nothing. The weekend was quickly approaching, and I sadly had to tell Seth that it would be an additional two weeks before we got to see each other.

I was very blessed that semester to have one of the best, and sweetest, roommates I've ever had. While crying and telling her how sad I was that I couldn't go and see him, she offered to drive me down that weekend.

But we didn't tell Seth.

The plan was to leave Saturday evening, after Torie got off work. At about 9 am, that Saturday, Torie woke me up with a smile, telling me that someone had agreed to cover her shift, and we could leave immediately. I have never jumped out of bed faster. I was packed, showered, and ready to go within an hour. We stopped off and fueled both us and her car, and began our 4.5 hour drive.

It was one of the most fun car trips I've ever had. Made more exciting by my jumping up and down on the edge of my seat, eagerly anticipating arriving.

Seth and I had agreed to facetime that night, to makeup for the fact that we wouldn't get to see each other. We got there slightly later than anticipated(gas/potty breaks always take more time than you think), and it was just starting to get dark(it was getting dark at like, 4 pm, though). With my heart beating out of my chest, I called him from his porch, and tried(unsuccessfully) to sound sad.

"Hey, babe. Listen..something came up. Torie is trying to get out of an awkward date tonight, and I agreed to hang out with them instead. I won't be able to facetime you tonight...but we could always face time tomorrow."

"...really?"

I knocked on the door.

"Yeah. And hey, listen, I have to go, we're about to leave. It was super last minute. I'm so sorry. I'll call you when I get home, for sure."

His dad opened the door, with a look of surprise and joy. I whispered a hello, as I heard Seth confused, and sad. on the other line, say goodbye.

"Does he know you're here?" His dad asked, after enveloping me in a hug.

"No" I grinned, practically skipping to the stairs, to head down to his room.

As soon as I opened the door to the stairwell, I saw him. Standing in his sweats, holding a cat to his chest, and his face broke into a smile.

"I knew it! You sounded WAY too happy when you told me we couldn't facetime tonight." I giggled and grinned as I ran down the stairs to hug him.

It ended up as a short visit, just spending time with him and his family. But it was one of my favorites, getting to spend that time with him before he left for his mission.

Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Visits.

The Last First Date

"I'm sorry, I got a little bit lost on my way to your apartment, I'll be there in an hour instead of 30 minutes! Sorry!"

I rolled over, after reading this text. It was 12:30 PM on a Saturday, and I was still in bed. Obviously, I was still in bed. I'd been out with a few friends the night before, and even though I knew I had a date at 1 PM, I was staying in bed as long as possible.

At 1:00, with more apologetic texts sitting in my unread texts, I forced myself out of bed, and towards a mirror. What I saw looked horrendous, but I didn't really care. I didn't shower, quickly doctoring my hair, putting on a minimal amount of makeup, and putting on one of the rejected outfits from the night before.

At roughly 1:20, I got a text saying that he was there, but he couldn't find my building. I assured him that no one ever could, and I'd meet him in the parking lot. I put on my favorite aviators, locked my front door, and headed down the three flights of stairs.

I had never met Seth. One of my closest friends had told me that I'd be a really good match with him, but I was still hung up on a crush from earlier in the year, before school started. Plus, this boy lived 4 1/2 hours away from me. I was still kinda floored that he was driving all that way for this date. But he'd assured me that he was coming into town anyway to visit his brother, and he just wanted to take me to a casual lunch. I knew he was interested in me, we'd texted and snapchatted over the course of the last few months, as I'd been out of the country until a few weeks before.

I walked into the hot and sunny parking lot, and spotted him right away. He had the passenger door open, bent over as he cleaned something off the floor. When he spotted me coming, he shut the door and came up to me. After exchanging a quick, and slightly awkward hug, he opened my door for me.

Wow. Chivalry. Something I hadn't witnessed in a long time, since my boyfriend when I was four, and that doesn't really count.

He drove me to the cutest hole-in-the-wall Italian restaurant, ordered us matching salads(he didn't order his with dressing, which is gross), and we sat and talked.

He was sending the vibes. I knew he was interested. He was playing it cool, but his eyes would sparkle when we'd make eye contact, and he'd start smiling ever so slightly when I would talk to him.

But I tried shutting him down. I told him about all of my ex-boyfriends in the recent years. It didn't phase him, he responded with stories of his own exes. I talked to him about all of the weird things that I did. He laughed and told me that he did them too, and then supplied stories.

As we got back into the car, I invited him to come over and make cookies.

And that was one of the best decisions of my life.

We made the cookies together, me trying to figure out how to share a kitchen, while he told me funny stories and I laughed.

He set up a movie on my laptop, and as I turned towards him from the kitchen, holding a plate of cookies, he asked me how to properly pronounce my last name. "It's pronounced 'Fack-rull'. Kinda like 'Fat Girl'." We both glanced at the mound of cookies in my arms. "I know what this looks like..." I said, staring at the cookies. He laughed. I loved his laugh.

Throughout the movie, we started moving closer to each other. After the movie, we watched a musical. He showed me a few youtube videos. We talked about our shared interest in How I Met Your Mother. I knew he wanted to kiss me, but he was too chicken to try it.

He later told me that he was afraid to mess it up.

He ended up staying until 5 am. We sat on my couch and laughed and joked and I probably almost peed myself at some point. He looked at me like no boy ever had, and I liked it. I never wanted him to stop.

His smile made that 4 1/2 hour distance worth it, every single time.

It was the best, and the last, first date.

Inspired by this LDR Blogs Prompt: Date Night

Giving and Getting

I can recall countless nights, before Seth and I were engaged, where I'd get home from 9 hour at school, 4 hours at work, and just sit on my floor and cry. Because I was tired, and I wanted someone to be there, to be a comfort, and my boyfriend was four hours away.

But I can also recall, all of the times that Seth realized what kind of a day I'd had, how upset I was. I would come home to candy on my pillow(delivered by his brother, who lived near me). I would be drowning in math homework and on the verge of tears, and I would receive a phone call telling me to come downstairs, because he had driven up as a surprise, and he had a picnic for me. I would be missing him and I would find a stuffed animal delivered to my door.

He never came up short.

Being able to call him, and fall asleep talking to him, was one of the biggest comforts. That Seth was just a phone call away. And if needed, just a four hour drive. We were lucky it wasn't longer.

But any relationship is a two way street, right? I can't have the most loving and giving boyfriend, and not reciprocate that, and somehow manage to keep him. Although I feel that I can never be quite as incredible as he is, I always strive to put as much into the relationship as I am getting out of it.

I've been in countless relationships in the past, where I felt like I was dating a brick wall. No matter what kind of effort I was putting forth, I got little to nothing in return.

And it always made me wondering if it was because of ME. If in a different relationship, with a better person, would they put forth that effort? Would they be a good boyfriend?

It makes you feel like the boys who treat a girl right are figments of your imagination.

I'm not saying that in order to be treated right, you need a boy who will give you presents and surprise you at your door. Every couple is different, and what is perfect and comfortable for you may not be what is perfect and comfortable for me.

I'm happy with Seth, in a way I had never been happy in a relationship before. I found someone who I loved, and was able to return that love to me fully.

Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Happiness

A moment is still just a moment

Every decision you make, every moment, is significant. Because of the sheer magnitude of these moments, not every moment will register with you consciously. But then you'll have a moment, one that will make you stop and think, and you'll have clarity, and you'll realize that somehow, you were waiting for this moment, even though you didn't know it. Like when you leave the eye doctor with a new prescription and the whole world is crisp around you, and you'd forgotten what it was like to see. Like when you hold your new baby sister and her tiny eyes open up a little and she wraps her tiny, crinkly hand around your finger, and you realize that there is nothing more precious in the world. There are moments all around us, defining moments, that open our eyes. They kind of hit you, sometimes in a really hard, stricken kind of way, and others in a gentle tap, letting you know that it's important. But they hit you.

Seth was always very upfront with his feelings, from the very beginning. He let me know what he was feeling. For me, it was a lot slower. I remember thinking that I wished that I was in love, that I was feeling what he was feeling. He seemed so sure, and I just wasn't. He'd look at me like he couldn't believe I was real, and I'd look at him like I wasn't sure if I wanted him to look at me like that.

There were a lot of little moments, moments that I felt like I had a taste of love. The funny thing about love is that it keeps growing. There's no standard amount that you reach, and then you're done. There's no capacity to love. Love is limitless, and that in itself is so marvelous. I had moments, where I thought I'd found it. I thought to myself, "this is it. This is how I'm going to feel forever." I had moments that I thought defined us, defined my love for Seth, defined and solidified the fact that I wanted to be with him forever.

I remember walking around, Seth so patient, all night, holding his hand as we walked around downtown Salt Lake City, and I'd shown him all of the places I'd lived/worked when I'd been there the year before. I remember being overwhelmed with nostalgia, and Seth just kissed my hand and let me keep talking, reminiscing in stupid things. And the drive home that night, his hand in mine as he sang along to Jason Mraz, and my heart seemed so warm, and I told him I loved him for the first time. I'm pretty sure that he didn't stop smiling for at least an hour.

I remember the day we said goodbye before he was set apart as a missionary. My heart was warm, but in a very different way. I felt like I was being ripped apart, truly leaving a part of my heart with him. I remember him walking me out to my car, and holding me as I sobbed, telling him how much I loved him and how wonderful I thought he was. I didn't want to let go, knowing this was the last time I'd be holding him for two years. I remember pulling away, because I had a long drive and an appointment to make, and kissing him and feeling my tears stream down my face, falling onto his cheeks, mixing in with his own tears. It broke my heart to drive away that day, seeing him stand in the driveway in that huge grey Crossfit hoodie, barely able to see the road through my tears, my hands shaking. I wondered how I could let him leave, when I loved him so much.

But not even that was "the" moment.

I feel like there will never be one "the" moment. Among all of the millions of moments that pass by, every day, every week, every month, there will continue to be more moments. Moments when I look at him as he's singing in the car and realize that I love him more than I thought. Moments where he'll kiss my hand and look at me and my heart will stop for a moment. Moments where we're dancing in the kitchen while we wait for the food to finish cooking and I'll be so glad that I chose HIM to be with forever.

Every day with Seth is a defining moment. Every single day I re-realize why I love him and why I'm marrying him. And that's how I know that he's the one. That is my defining moment. My defining moment came when I sat down to write this, and realized that I couldn't possibly pick ONE moment.

Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Defining Moment