They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm counting on that.

Words have so much weight

That last post complaining about work was a little bit, uh, not nice. So here's a post for the not mean side of me.

Thank you to that guy who called me "The girl with the carrot colored hair". I found it endearing and adorable.
Thank you to the little girl who bought a hairbrush with all change. It was cute cuz you were little and so sweet.
Thank you to the same little girl, who told me how pretty I was as I counted her nickels.
Thank you to the dance instructor who told me I was as skinny as his dancers.
Thank you to the gay man who told me my jeans made my butt look good.
Thank you to the lady who adored my pants.
Thank you to the two older ladies who went on about how great my cardigan was for at least 30 seconds.
Thank you to the man who complimented my work ethic as I helped him search for a jacket he wanted.
Thank you to the woman who said I have a great fashion sense.
Thank you to the older man who said I have the most beautiful eyes he'd ever seen.
Thank you to the lady who said I have a perfect face.
Thank you to the group of girls who loved my hair color.
Thank you to everyone that complimented me that one day I wore my grey hairband.
Thank you to that sweet girl that said she loved the way my hair curled.
Thank you to the transvestite that told me I could rock combat boots like no other.
Thank you to his friend for telling me that I have nice ankles.
Thank you to that nice gay couple who said they loved my blue tights.
Thank you to my manager Scott for always complimenting me on my choices of jewelry.
Thank you for everyone that never says mean things on days where I woke up late.
Thank you to the two nice volleyball girls that didn't say anything when I was sobbing at work yesterday.
Thank you to the two other volleyball girls who gave me tissues and asked what was wrong when I was sobbing at work.
Thank you to the nice lady who said I was the most helpful person ever.
Thank you to the lady who brought a whole loaf of french bread into the dressing room with her. Because that was seriously the funniest thing I'd seen in a long time.
Thank you to my friends who come and visit me at work. Just had to add that cuz it always puts a smile on my face.

25 Reasons why I want you to stop shopping

Or at least, be nicer about it.

There are a lot of reasons that I don't really like my job. A lot of the problems I had with my job originally have sorted themselves out the longer I've worked there. But. This post is mainly to complain about my job. So. If you're tired of me complaining or you work retail and you LOVE it(please see some help), then read no further.

I'm a Sales Associate at Forever 21. Not just any Forever 21, but a HUGE one. The one from back home is about a quarter of the size of this place. And there's another one in town as well that's still about a quarter of the size. I mean, this place is HUGE. The size of the place is one of the reasons I don't like my job. But. The main reason my job drives me up the wall is the people.

If you're one of these people, just stop.

1. The "I need this off the mannequin right now" people. Okay. I understand that you desperately want that shirt with a picture of a cat on it. But there are rules I have to follow. So can you hold on to your horses for like, 10 minutes while I follow protocol and get the shirt for you?
2. "Now you need to come find me!!" This bugs me so much. I spent forever undressing and redressing a mannequin for you, and now you've disappeared? Don't get mad if I put it on a rack and you come asking for it in 30 minutes and someone else snatched it up.
3. "Actually, I don't want this." You don't have to buy everything you pick up. But if you're gonna make a big hassel out of getting those overalls, and then you change your mind? I'm gonna be peeved. Especially if you throw a stink and you're rude.
4. "What do you mean you can't take that off the mannequin in the window?" Okay. There are a few rules, and I have to follow them. And one such rule is that there are not allowed to be naked mannequins in the window, even for a short period of time. So if you want a jacket that's on a mannequin facing the window, you're out of luck. Find a similar one.
5. "I just bought this upstairs, but I want to return it now." REALLY!? You know that now I have to wait 5 minutes for a manager to come downstairs and authorize this return, and you don't get money back. You want an exchange? Why didn't you finish your shopping before you checked out?
6. "I just bought this, but there's a small rip right here. Find me a new one to exchange it with." There have been instances where seriously half the associates are combing the store, looking for a stupid leather dress in a size small because we only have one left because yours wasn't adequate and someone misfiled it. Seriously. Either take the 10% discount for the damage, or look for the new dress yourself. That rip was tiny. Invest in a sewing machine.
7. "Can you order that for me online?" No. I can't.
8. "Are you sure you don't have any left? I think there's probably more. Are you really sure?" Yes. I just checked the inventory. That pair of boots is the last pair. Take it or leave it.
9. "Why can't I take this pair of earrings into the dressing room?!" Why can't you shut up.
10. "Only 6 items? Really?" Look, I'm not saying you can't try them on. Just put them on the back of the door and swap them out. It's not a big deal. You just have to open the door in a minute. Chill.
11. "Can my friend come in the dressing room with me? Please? Just this once?" No. I don't know what ya'll are gonna do, but no. There's one next door. Snap chat each other from separate rooms or sumthin.
12. "Can you have them send this same item over from another store so I can pick it up at this store?" Uhm...no.
13. "I brought 50 items into the dressing room and I'm not gonna buy a single one." Thanks. I wanted to reorganize all of that. Thank you so much.
14. "I just wanted to try these on for fun." Okay. Seriously. If you are going to try on THAT MUCH STUFF on a SATURDAY, please just buy it. Please.
15. "Find this item." Do you have the SKU code for me? No? Okay. Well, find this item yourself. I don't even know if this store carries it. Because we don't have the code.
16. "Here are 50 pictures of items my daughter wants me to buy. Find them. It's okay if they're not exact." If it's so okay if they're not the exact item, why won't you accept this other shirt that's almost identical? You're the straight male here. Come on. You don't even know what a peplum is. Just take the shirt. I searched 20 minutes for it.
17. "Is there anyway I could get a room right next to my friend?" I'd like to say yes. But seeing as there are no fitting rooms open next to each other, I'm gonna have to say no.
18. "So, I saw this shirt at H&M...and I was hoping you'd have it." Does this look like H&M?
19. Also, people. We're not your personal shoppers. We each have different styles. We don't know you. So if you ask me to find a shirt that will go with a specific pair of pants, I can tell you what I would pair with it. If you don't like that, then I'm sorry.
20. WE ARE PEOPLE TOO. Before I worked retail, I kinda viewed Sales Associates as objects. It happens. You don't know them or their lives. They're just random people with fake smiles trying to convince you to buy stuff. I get it. I've been in your shoes. But we're just trying to make ends meet and this is the only place that would hire us so would you please stop yelling because I can't find that earring?
21. Please don't look at me like that when I ask you if you'd like to get a $1.80 cami when you're checking out. I'm kinda obligated to ask. Just say no, give me money, and you can go on your merry little way and get a cami elsewhere.
22. Does it look like I'm a model? No. I shop in the Basics section of this store. It's where I get my spandex shorts and my t shirts. If you want advice on yoga pants and basic denim, I'm your girl. You want advice on bandeau's and acid wash jeans? Look elsewhere, like, I dunno, the girl who works in that section.
23. I've mentioned that the store is HUGE. I don't know the EXACT LOCATION OF EVERY SHIRT. We may get lucky occasionally and I'll know exactly where the slutty black dress with the cutouts is, but 9 times out of 10 I'm gonna have to ask multiple other sales associates for help, and chances are that you're gonna have to search for it too.
24. I'm a SALES Associate. So please don't take any advice I say seriously. It's my JOB to make you buy stuff. If my boss notices that I make a lot of sales, I get scheduled more, my paycheck gets bigger, and I'll move up in the food chain. So, unless you're my friend, the chances of me LOVING that sweater are about 50%. No, of course those leggings look GREAT on you. Yeah, I DEFINITELY buy all my jackets a size too big, don't even worry about it. Yup, I have one of these headbands in every color and I wear them ALLLL the time. Come on people. I'm sorry for lying to you but that's sorta my job. Our word is not law.
25. Just smile. Be nice. Seriously, there are some people who come into work and they compliment me on something and they're super sweet and they're an overall nice customer and I remember those customers and they make me happy. I could list specifics even, of customers that I've loved, because they were so great. If you're nice and all that, I will gladly walk around with you and make small talk while I help you search for the red fur vest you want for who knows why. Just be nice about it.

"Life makes love look hard". Or, makes everything look hard...

"It's killing me to see you go, after all this time."

Life is one of those confusing things no one really understands, like a person that enjoys eating mayonnaise out of the jar. It just doesn't make sense.

Have you ever sat and just thought about how circumstantial everything is? Like, if you hadn't made ONE decision to go to a certain party, you never would've met your spouse. I think about this all the time. My life is full of circumstantial events that led me to the people that I love and the places that I am.

If my Young Women leaders hadn't advised me to go to the Recognition Dinner when I was 13, I wouldn't have met my best friend.
If my mom hadn't been SOOOO into TJEd when I was younger, I wouldn't have found Williamsburg Academy, and I wouldn't know ANY of these amazing people that I associate with.
If I hadn't been forced into going to YFF 2 years ago, I wouldn't have been led to meet so many people that have changed my life. In fact, I'm not even sure I would be alive. I also wouldn't have met my roommates.
If I hadn't been pressured into going to game night a few months ago, I wouldn't have met one of my best friends.

Outside forces. I didn't want to participate in any of those activities, but good things came from each and every one. I was put in uncomfortable situations that pushed me outside my comfort zone and I'm a better person for it, and I know amazing people that are such a blessing to me.

A bad day isn't a bad life. That's something I constantly have to remind myself. Just because I have days where I want to throw in the towel, doesn't mean that I have a bad life. In fact, I don't really have a right to be unhappy with my life. There are so many people with so much less than me. It doesn't really matter how unhappy I am, my life ain't half bad and I should be grateful for what I've got. I can whine and complain all I want. I can say "If I only lived in New Mexico still, I'd be happy" or "If I had my dog, I'd still be happy" or even "If I could just meet the person I'm supposed to marry, I'd be happy" and NONE of that would mean I could be happy. Was I happy in New Mexico? No. I had my dog earlier this year, and was I happy? No. I can either choose to be happy or not, no matter my circumstances.

That being sad, it's okay to have bad days. I think you're allowed to have a day when you sit in your bed in your pajamas, wallowing a little bit, and crying. It's okay to not always be happy. But then that day ends and you need to let that bad day be in the past. Still working on that last part.

Most of my posts don't make a lot of coherent sense, and that's probably because I let my mind wander as I write and I have a lot of conflicting opinions. I have flawed logic.

I guess my point is this. Everything is circumstantial. But what you choose to do with those circumstances is yours. You can have horrible circumstances but be incredibly happy, and vice versa. And that's where one of the biggest flaws of society is, in my opinion. A lot of people think that it's all circumstances. But it's not. You decide how you deal with those circumstances.

Have a good day, ya'll. Or have a bad day. It's up to you. Me? I'm gonna continue having a not-so-great day, and I'm gonna go get ice cream with my roommate.

Real talk

No matter how hard you try to convince someone of their worth, they won't believe it until they want to.

Return of the Awkward

Holla. I haven't done a Thursday post in a million years, so I made one for you.

The last one of these failed miserably. I apologize. From the very bottom of my apologetic organ.

Awkward:

This is one of those things that was so hilariously funny, and not at all awkward for me, but probably was for my wonderfully naive roommate.
Bonnie and I are at the gym last week, riding the little bike machines. The setting she had her bike was on was so that the difficulty level of the bike would change as she rode. So as we're biking, Bonnie loudly announces, "I'M EASY!" She was, of course, referring to the difficulty level on her bike. But I don't think any of the guys in the gym took it that way...

Another gym story. A few days ago, Bonnie and I are on the bike machines again. I had brought my iPod and so I'm jamming out to Macklemore and T-Swizzle (sorry, not sorry) and Bonnie, feeling left out, pulls her bike closer to mine, grabs the free earbud, and starts listening with me. It wasn't really awkward at all, but we got some hilariously wonderful looks.

Dang, it seems sorta like all I do is go to the gym. I swear, this is probably the last thing I'll mention about the gym. Probably. So, Bonnie and I had just finished our workout and we were in a room stretching. A man with huge biceps walks in, and the following conversation ensues:
Man: Are you guys doing the circuit workout?
Me: No.
Bonnie: We're just using this room cuz no one was in it.
Me: Are you doing the circuit workout?
Man: No. I just wanted to use this machine because it really isolates my biceps.
Bonnie: Oh hahahaha.
*silence for a few minutes as Bonnie and I continue stretching*
Man: Wow, you guys are so flexible.
Me: *silence*
Bonnie: Hahaha I used to be more flexible before I started running.
Man: Well you're way more flexible than I am.
Bonnie: I'd trade it for your arms!
Man: When I'm bored I hold my breath until I turn purple.
Okay, he didn't say that last bit. I just blocked him out and kept stretching. The very best part of this is that Bonnie didn't realize that he was hitting on us until later that night when about 50 people tried affirming that, yes, he was hitting on us.

I don't really know which section to put this in. It was incredibly funny, but it probably seems highly awkward to everyone that wasn't present. So it'll go in this section.
Last night I was at a friends house, and one of my friends sits down on the floor, cross legged, and informs us that he has a hole in the crotch of his pants. And then two of my other friends took turns throwing coins into the hole from the couch.

I was at said friends house a few nights ago. There was this guy, Conner, there. I was there for maybe 2 1/2 hours. Conner was there for the majority of that time. We got there at the same time.
Conner: It's nice to meet you, Aurora!
Me: I've met you before...
Conner: Not officially. I don't think we've ever spoken.
Me: I took pictures of you at the planetarium.
Conner: ....what?
Me: We've had this conversation before...like twice.
Conner: I don't remember this...
Me: You were at the planetarium with a bunch of girls and one other guy. And I took pictures for you guys at the moon.
Conner: ....no.
Me: Yeah. You handed me your phone and had me take pictures.
Conner: Crazy, I don't remember that.
I swear, this guy has short term memory loss. I left for about 20 minutes to make a phone call, and then came back inside. When Conner left, he stood up and shook hands with everyone, and then he got to me, and in all seriousness said, "Wait. Were you here the whole time? When did you get here?"
I guess I just have one of those faces, yo. Easily forgettable. ;)

I don't know whether to classify this as awkward or what...but one of my friends had a fire in their apartment complex last weekend. He called me 3 times within the course of 30 minutes to ask if he could come crash on my couch. And I woke up every time he called. But because he didn't call from his phone, I didn't answer. I had dreams for a few nights after that that people were calling me because they were in serious situations and needed help.

About 3 weeks ago, there was a really dumb dance for our ward. A friend of mine from Provo came to visit for the dance. Part way through the night he met a girl and spent a good bit of the rest of the evening with her. I left the dance a bit early and went to hang out with some friends. My roommates went out with friends after the dance and I ended up being home first. So I went to bed at a reasonable hour(okay, 2:30 isn't that reasonable). About an hour later I hear Bonnie come home. And she's conversing with a guy.
Bonnie: Shh, we don't want to wake up Aurora.
Guy: Is she awake?
Me: YES SHE'S AWAKE.
*lots of laughing*
Me: Shut the eff up, guys, I'm sleeping.
Guy: Hey Aurora.
Me: WHAT THE CRAP, BONNIE?!
*more laughing*
Me: Bonnie, this isn't funny. Who the crap is that?
*more laughing*
Me: Bonnie, what the actual poop. I never bring guys over this late.
*more laughing*
Guy: It's just Spencer.
Me: REALLY, BONNIE?!
Guy: And Daniel. And Austin.
Me: BONNIE WHAT THE POOP.
*more laughing*
Me: You brought 3 FRICKIN GUYS OVER AT THIS UNGODLY HOUR?!
Bonnie: No no it's only one guy.
At this point I got up and walked over there. It was my friend Daniel, from Provo, and he had a very valid excuse for being there. He had to crash on our couch cuz he was locked out of his car. And then I felt so so so bad for yelling at them. They both thought it was hilarious so that's good. The lesson we learn from this is to not wake Aurora up. Ever.


Awesome:

Today in class, as our teacher discussed when our paper was due (at midnight) he said something along the lines of "please don't do this right before midnight" and then said, "You don't write well under the influence of diet coke" and I thought it was really funny.

Monday was my friend Anela's birthday, yes? Guys she's 18 and an adult and everything is wonderful. The whole night was a huge adventure. See, I wanted to surprise her. I went to go visit her, but I didn't want to tell her that. So I told her that my friend was driving to Provo that night and that he would stop by Saratoga Springs to drop off a package. He was originally going to make the trip with me, but I ended up going alone. So. I'm driving to her house. Now, it's important to know that I am absolutely horrible with directions. So I was doing really really well and I was just a few miles from her house and I got lost. I missed the turnoff into her neighborhood and I kept going. After a while I caved and called her to ask for directions. But I didn't want her to know that it was me going. So, I prayed that she wouldn't hear the driving noises.
Me: Hey girl. So Austin is on his way to your house. And he's lost. He was supposed to turn at *street name* and now he's at *street name*. How far is he?
Anela: Okay. Uhm. Let me pull it up on my computer. Okay, if he's at *street name* then he went wayyy too far.
Me: I knew it. Gah, he's so dumb. Okay, where does he need to go? Should he turn back around?
Anela: He should turn back and then turn on *street name* and then *street name* and then my street,which is *street name*.
Me: Okay, I'm texting him as I'm talking to you, and he says he's at *street name*.
Anela: Do you have access to a computer?
Me: Nope. I uh, my computer is dead. And my roommate is using hers and won't let me use it.
Anela: *something snarky and funny that I don't 100% remember*
Me: Hahaha yeah. Okay. I'm gonna call Austin and tell him where to go and then I'll call you back after he drops the package off.
A few minutes later I got lost again and had to call her again and ask which house was hers. I finally get there and she opens the door and flips out. She must've been super tired to not have picked up on the fact that I was the one coming to visit her. But guys it was so so nice to get to see her and we had the best of conversations and it was just the best thing ever. Also, I'd like to apologize to Austin for continuously calling him dumb as I drove to Anela's house. That was probably the funniest part. Cuz seriously, I kept saying "Oh my goodness, he is so dumb. Why can't he find it? Seriously, he's gotta be so dumb." Sorry bro.

My mom sent me some stuff that I really super needed this week, so that was super awesome.

Speaking of my family, they came to visit me a few weeks ago. And besides it being the highlight of the month, I got free groceries. AND a rose. My dad came to my apartment at some point over the weekend that they were here. And there is a rose bush right outside my apartment. So he picked a rose off and brought it to my mom. And then when they went back home, he gave it to me. Which I think is really funny because it came from my own rose garden...BUT what's really awesome is that it still hasn't totally died. And it's been almost two weeks.

Brooke was able to come visit me about 3 weeks ago. Guys, it was so great to see her. I've missed her so so much.

My roommate, Bonnie, is a vegetarian. And she's out of town for the weekend. SO I get to eat all the meat I want to. Woohoo.

Everything else mildly funny or interesting that has happened to me in the past little while is even more boring than all this. So I'll be keeping all that to myself.

Even tho I get to eat bunches of meat this weekend, I'm still real sad that Bonnie isn't here. So here's a picture of Bonnie and I. Good luck to her with her marathon this weekend!!

Let's lie away our feelings, yeah?

If I come up to you and tell you you're beautiful, it makes you feel good, yeah? And if I were to come up and say you were ugly, it would have the opposite effect, yeah?

I was having a conversation with a close friend last week and self-esteem came up. Before I moved to Utah I had a pretty convincing persona of being confident. And then I moved and that persona was shattered. Hey, I'm a teenage girl. Do you really expect me to be happy and confident all the time? If you do, you can please go give yourself a bath in the toilet.

This friend and I got pretty deep into self-esteem. And by this, I mean he got pretty deep into self-esteem and I listened, because I have a super hard time opening up to people and conversing about important things before I trust them a whole hecka lot. But I'm super good at listening, so it all works, ya know?

There is a huge difference between self-esteem and just esteem. I hate it when people say "this is your self-esteem boost for the day". Because the act of THEM giving me that boost is nice, but it's not self-esteem. That would imply that it's coming from myself. Which is what self-esteem is. Relying solely on other peoples' opinions for your self-esteem means that you don't have good self-esteem. Because no matter how much other people like you, if you don't like yourself, you're screwed. Sorry bro. That's life.

So this goes hand in hand with confidence. If you're confident in yourself, you've got self-esteem. No matter what anyone says to you you can still smile and know you're a good person.

Guys, I'm 18. I'm not as old as I'd like to be. I'm young and still a teenager. So, yeah, my self-esteem is not at a high point. And since moving, it's pretty dang low. BUT that's something I need to fix for myself. And that's not really a concept I'd really thought about too deeply. Being confident sucks, cuz it takes way less effort to just rely on other peoples opinions. That's a miserable option, but definitely easier. And hey, I'm sick of that.

My name is Aurora Eliza Fackrell. I'm insecure about the size of my hands and the sounds my stomach makes. I wish I was a few inches shorter, so I slouch a lot. I hate the way my legs look so much, I almost never allow people to see them. I swear sometimes. I'm an awkward individual and I'm not actually okay with it. I'm afraid to assert my opinion on others. I don't like to speak up. I let people walk all over me because I'm afraid of rejection. I play off my feelings like they're nothing, even when they're eating me up. And I ignore peoples' attempts to talk about my feelings/try to make me feel better, because I don't want to inconvenience them. My best friend for the whole of 2013 has been my dog. My name is Aurora Fackrell, and I have flaws. And I'm working towards being okay with these flaws. If you wanna judge me for these things, be my guest.

Really missing my puppy right about now.